Author Topic: "The Mourners Bill of Rights"  (Read 8417 times)

Terry

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"The Mourners Bill of Rights"
« on: December 14, 2008, 02:35:05 PM »
Feel free to print out the "The Mourner's Bill of Rights" and "Please."

After my Jeff ..died.. I found these invaluable as I was in a dark place, very frightened and felt very alone. I came to learn that there were many who were with me in my grief, as they truly understood. I also came to realize that through my grieving, I still had rights! No one could take away my memories or deny me the right to grieve, in my own way.

I also made copies of both and gave them to family members and friends and they let me know how helpful it was as they just didn't have the right "words" and needed to know that it was not only OK to speak his name and often, but it was like a "song to my heart" whenever someone spoke of him.



The Mourner’s Bill of Rights ~ Alan D. Wolfert, Ph.D

Although you should reach out to others as you do the work of mourning, you should not feel obligated to accept the unhelpful responses you may receive from some people. You are the one who is grieving, and as such, you have certain “rights” no one should try to take away from you.

1) You have the right to experience your own unique grief. No one else will grieve in exactly the same way you do. So, when you turn to others for help, don’t allow them to tell you what you should or should not be feeling.

2) You have the right to talk about your grief. Talking about your grief will help you heal. Seek out others who will allow you to talk as much as you want, as often as you want, about your grief. If at times you don’t feel like talking, you also have the right to be silent.

3) You have the right to feel a multitude of emotions. Confusion, disorientation, fear, guilt, and relief are just a few of the emotions you might feel as part of your grief journey. Others may try to tell you that feeling angry, for example, is wrong. Don’t take these judgmental responses to heart. Instead, find listeners who will accept your feelings without condition.

4) You have the right to be tolerant of your physical and emotional limits. Your feelings of loss and sadness will probably leave you feeling fatigued. Respect what your body and mind are telling you. Get daily rest. Eat balanced meals. And don’t allow others to push you into doing things you don’t feel ready to do.

5) You have the right to experience “griefbursts.” Sometimes, out of nowhere, a powerful surge of grief may overcome you. This can be frightening, but is normal and natural. Find someone who understands and will let you talk it out.

6) You have the right to make use of ritual. The funeral ritual does more than acknowledge the death of someone loved. It helps provide you with the support of caring people. More importantly, the funeral is a way for you to mourn. If others tell you the funeral or other healing rituals such as these are silly or unnecessary, don’t listen.

7) You have the right to embrace your spirituality. If faith is part of your life, express it in ways that seem appropriate to you. Allow yourself to be around people who understand and support your religious beliefs. If you feel angry at God, find someone to talk with who won’t be critical of your feelings of hurt and abandonment.

8) You have the right to search for meaning. You may find yourself asking, “Why did he or she die? Why this way? Why now?” Some of your questions may have answers, but some may not. And watch out for clichéd responses some people may give you. Comments like, “It was God’s will” or “Think of what you have to be thankful for” are not helpful and you do not have to accept them.

9) You have the right to treasure your memories. Memories are one of the best legacies that exist after the death of someone loved. You will always remember. Instead of ignoring your memories, find others with whom you can share them.

10) You have the right to move toward your grief and heal. Reconciling your grief will not happen quickly. Remember, grief is a process, not an event. Be patient and tolerant with yourself and avoid people who are impatient and intolerant with you. Neither you nor those around you must forget that the death of someone loved changes your life forever.


With love,
Terry

« Last Edit: December 14, 2008, 02:40:05 PM by Terry »

Brenda Taylors Mom

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Re: "The Mourners Bill of Rights"
« Reply #1 on: December 14, 2008, 05:20:02 PM »
Thank you Terry

Adams Brokenhearted Mama

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Re: "The Mourners Bill of Rights"
« Reply #2 on: December 15, 2008, 05:33:52 AM »
Thank you Terry.
I do understand Please and The bill of rights.
What I don't understand how my life got so off path.
People used to say to me You are a great Mom. You have the marriage I want to have.
What a great game of charades I can play (meaning I was a good actor).
I don't hear anyone waying those words to me anymore.
XO Love to all my sisters & brothers-in-grief XO
Wishing you all peaceful moments, signs from your Angels & many blessings

georgiapeaches

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Re: "The Mourners Bill of Rights"
« Reply #3 on: December 15, 2008, 06:44:02 AM »
Again Terri, Thank You.

Georgia.
MOM                        JOHNNY
 

Terry

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Re: "The Mourners Bill of Rights"
« Reply #4 on: December 15, 2008, 08:33:20 PM »
Your very welcome, Georgia.

Love,
Terry

Terry

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Re: "The Mourners Bill of Rights"
« Reply #5 on: December 15, 2008, 08:34:30 PM »
Your welcome, Brenda.

Love,
Terry

Terry

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Re: "The Mourners Bill of Rights"
« Reply #6 on: December 15, 2008, 08:53:47 PM »
Your welcome, Paula.

You're 'still' a great Mom and you have so much love to share. I too, never thought I would have so much company walking my path in life.

Instead of my children....the memory of them, which I cherish, but sure do wish they were here with their Momma.

Instead of loyal friends...those who call maybe once a year and out of guilt, surely not love.

Instead of the life I always dreamed of....the one I have, but I have to admit that I am very grateful for the love of my family and the good friends
 who have stood by me/with me..

I know Paula, that all I can do, continue to do is take each day as it comes and try to find something beautiful in it. And, thankful that I do.

I wish none of us had to live with this awful pain. We didn't know we would be cherishing, even moreso than other parents, every piece of paper, clothing they wore, silly song they sang.....the memory of them.

No one can take that from us. Tarnish that. It can never be diminished by time, by space. It is forever. As is their Love.

Hugs and my love,
Terry

« Last Edit: December 15, 2008, 08:55:23 PM by Terry »