Author Topic: Suicide attempts by a parent after the loss of a child  (Read 6608 times)

Adams Brokenhearted Mama

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Suicide attempts by a parent after the loss of a child
« on: November 28, 2008, 09:58:17 PM »
I wanted to end my pain after Adam died. I wanted to continue to Mother him. I felt ashamed that I did not know that my son was dying. My son died alone, in his car, overcome by respiratory supression from an overdose of opiates. Why did I not sense him leaving me? What kind of Mother am I, totally without instincts? I could not live any longer. I knew that I could catch up to him. And I tried. And I failed. People who I thought cared about me were unkind in their comments to me. A sister-in-law told me that I sent a message to my other children that I did not care about them. A nephew told me that he couldn't understand a Mother wanting to leave her children. A friend told me that I better be able to take the heat because if I succeeded Hell was going to be hot. I was committed to a mental ward for a week. I came home and felt ashamed when my youngest held onto me and sobbed. I was so torn. How could I want to be in this world with this child of mine who needed me so much and he was guilty over rescuing me & taking me away from something I wanted to do and yet be able to let go of Adam. It'll be two years this Jan. since my attempt. I don't struggle as much with the suicidal ideations as I did in the not so distant past. I remember the caress of my eldest, not living my side in the hospital as I slipped in and out of consciousness. I see the struggle & strain on my husband's face and body each and every day. I know that my daughter, who is developmentally delayed needs me to be her advocate and to believe in her and to give her unconditional love. I have work to do here so I will remain. Has anyone gone down this path? Please share with me. I need to hear your story. Please.....
XO Love to all my sisters & brothers-in-grief XO
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laurasmom

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Re: Suicide attempts by a parent after the loss of a child
« Reply #1 on: November 29, 2008, 11:09:46 AM »
Paula,
I read this board from time to time and really never post anymore, but I feel moved to respond to you.
I can understand why you felt as you did, and why you did what you did.  My other children were all grown when Laura was killed.  I had times that I sat on the side of my bed and held the bottle of pills in my hand and wondered if there were enough to make me go to sleep and not wake up.  I just could not bear the pain anymore.  I always put them back in the drawer, because I knew how much it would hurt my other children, but oh, how much I wanted that relief from the pain!  I remember one night I woke up with terrible pains in my chest, and I did nothing but lie in bed, not caring if I was having a heart attack, because then the decision was made and I wouldn't fight it.  But obviously it was nothing, because I am still here.
After more than 5 years, I do not think about suicide any more, but I do not fear death either.  I miss her so much, and I have pain in my heart every day, I still cry and want answers, but answers are not to be, not in this lifetime.  But I just wanted to let you know that I understand your feelings completely.  You ar enot alone!
Lois
Lois, Laura's Mom

Adams Brokenhearted Mama

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Re: Suicide attempts by a parent after the loss of a child
« Reply #2 on: November 29, 2008, 01:15:16 PM »
((Thank you Lois)) for sharing and responding to me. I do not fear death. The only thing that I fear is the pain & suffering that my passing would cause to my husband and children. I saw that only too clearly post-suicide attempt. I want to believe that there is an after life and I will be with Adam again. With that belief now so very important to me I realize that the only way to get there is to cross over without me attempting to do myself harm. I pray that Adam and my Dad are the ones to greet & guide me. As another "sister-in-grief" tells me "Each day is one day closer to our Angels".
XO Love to all my sisters & brothers-in-grief XO
Wishing you all peaceful moments, signs from your Angels & many blessings

Marianne

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Re: Suicide attempts by a parent after the loss of a child
« Reply #3 on: November 29, 2008, 03:23:08 PM »
Dear Paula,

You are not alone.  There were many nights when I too would hold those bottles of pills the doctor prescribed - wanting so bad to end the torment.  There were nights when all I had to do was call my sister and say - You had better get over here NOW.  She knew.  There are still days, three years later when I ask God... Why do I have to stay here?  Why can't I be with my baby.  I don't hear the answer, but I know what it is.  It's not my time yet.  But, some day I will get my chance to soar up to Heaven and hold my boy in my arms.  People say that there is no such thing as time in Heaven - so, when it is our time it will be as if no time has passed when we see our loved ones.  That is really comforting to me.

Paula, all I can add is just take one moment at a time.  It you feel overwhelmed... take the time to allow yourself time to grieve.  whether it's one day or ten years we all still need our moments.  Just breath and do the best you can.

You are loved.
Marianne (Alek's Mom Forever)

Adams Brokenhearted Mama

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Re: Suicide attempts by a parent after the loss of a child
« Reply #4 on: November 29, 2008, 03:26:23 PM »
((Thank you Marianne.)) This is such a solitary, lonely, painful journey that we are on. How is it that we are on the path with so many others and feel so alone in our grief?
XO Love to all my sisters & brothers-in-grief XO
Wishing you all peaceful moments, signs from your Angels & many blessings

Dena

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Re: Suicide attempts by a parent after the loss of a child
« Reply #5 on: November 29, 2008, 06:48:16 PM »
(((Paula)))

I am so sorry for the hurtful comments that others have made to you.  When Josh was killed, I wanted very much to be with him.  My anchor here is my daughter & husband and now, my grandson and my family.

You could not sense Adam leaving any more than I could sense Josh sneaking out that night.  Instinct is one thing.  We are not superhumans. 

One day, we will be reunited with our Angels. 

Hugs,
Dena, Josh's Mom

Adams Brokenhearted Mama

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Re: Suicide attempts by a parent after the loss of a child
« Reply #6 on: November 29, 2008, 09:37:53 PM »
Dena, Does having a grandbaby help? I often think that when a new baby will enter my life that I will have a renewed purpose in life.
XO Love to all my sisters & brothers-in-grief XO
Wishing you all peaceful moments, signs from your Angels & many blessings

Dottie (Tammie's Mom)

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Re: Suicide attempts by a parent after the loss of a child
« Reply #7 on: November 30, 2008, 07:23:48 AM »
Dear Paula,

I know I have struggled with thoughts of ending my life too. I had a good counselor and bereavement group that helped me through these difficult days and nights. I also have been blessed with a wonderful Sister and Brother, my family has really been there for me.

In my case Tammie was my only child so I didn't have other children to live for. I suppose my faith in God and help of others has been what has taken through these past 3 years and 2 months. Many of the people were on this board. This was a life line for me and at times still is.

Know I understand,
HUGS,
Dottie Tammie's Mom

Brenda Taylors Mom

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Re: Suicide attempts by a parent after the loss of a child
« Reply #8 on: November 30, 2008, 02:22:01 PM »
Paula, I  attempted to take my life with pills but lived through it and went to a mental ward for about a week. I just wanted to quit hurting so bad and go be with Taylor. I saw how deep the pain was in my daughters eyes and I could never do that again. As for the remarks, people that have not lost a child dont' realize that this is a pain we live with 24/7 there is no getting away from it, you can't hide from it, you can't run from it, you can't make it go away... Please email me if you ever want to talk.. Love,Brenda

WendyRN

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Re: Suicide attempts by a parent after the loss of a child
« Reply #9 on: November 30, 2008, 04:22:42 PM »
Paula, I too suffer the guilt of why I didn't know, while I was working away on a nightshift at the hospital, my beautiful son's life was ending.  At 21 years old he accidentally was thrown off the ATV he was driving and over a 150' cliff where he landed in the river below.  He somehow survived the fall but drowned in 2 feet of water.  He needed me and I wasn't there.  Didn't even have an inkling.  I have questioned my mother-sense a thousand times.  How could I have not known???

I recognize your grief and despair and the wanting to be with Adam.  I struggle so often with the intense desire to be with Keith.  It is such a pull that it's rarely out of my mind.  I love my other two children desperately and can't understand my own feelings of not caring if I live or die.  I do know that it seems to be a fairly common thread repeated by so many of the parents that come here to unload the unthinkable.  Those thoughts that would not/could not be understood by anyone who has not experienced this loss. 

I'm so very sorry for your loss and continued struggle.  It is so disappointing to hear that others can not recognize your despair and choose to add to your burdon by their cruel remarks.  One breath at a time, Paula. 

Wendy, Keith's mom

Adams Brokenhearted Mama

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Re: Suicide attempts by a parent after the loss of a child
« Reply #10 on: November 30, 2008, 05:24:40 PM »
(( Brenda )) , (( Wendy )) & (( Dottie )),Thank you kind ladies for responding to me with compassion and understanding. Belive it or not, the sister-in-law who said that to me, is the mother of an Angel. Her Angel passed over thirty years ago, do you think that so much time has changed her way of thinking? I don't know b/c I don't get it.
Brenda, you & I sure sound like we had a very similiar experience. Wendy, I'm glad that I am not alone in questioning our mother-sense. I feel like such a freak for the lack of such an instinct. Dottie, you are an inspiration to me. I have met another Mom like you in monthly bereavement group who had had just one child. The courage and strength that you two woman show far surpass what I could ever do. I know that I hang on ONLY b/c of my other children. Craig & I agreeded that without them we would be a joint suicide. He struggles with suicidal ideations. I think that he, like me, will not act upon them anymore. We have a daughter who acts very recklessly and we fear for her life. G-d forbid something happens to her I just don't know. I can't dwell on that. I used to say that all the time about Adam and the unthinkable did happen.
Ever want to talk, let's meet in the chat room they have here at the web site.
XO Paula XO
XO Love to all my sisters & brothers-in-grief XO
Wishing you all peaceful moments, signs from your Angels & many blessings

John-Danielle Marie's Daddy

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Re: Suicide attempts by a parent after the loss of a child
« Reply #11 on: December 01, 2008, 06:30:08 AM »
(((((Paula))))),
I received your note and I wanted to let you know that what you are feeling is so common amongst grieving parents after the death of a child. Whether it is 1 month or 5 years or more. That yearning of wanting to be with your child even in death is so very powerful.
After the death of my daughter, I too just wanted to end this horrible pain and mental anguish. I too even went as far as pouring a tall glass of whiskey and pouring a full bottle of sleeping pills into my hand...what stopped me?...thinking of how heartbroken my own parents, my sister, my wife and son would be if I took my own life and how disappointed my daughter would be that I did not fight to keep her memory alive after her death. Even though this is so very hard to do…I am glad I am still here to keep her memory alive and to provide for and care for my family.
Take Care of yourself and PLEASE keep strong and keep in touch with us!

John-Daddy of Angel
Danielle Marie Plourde
1/4/1995 -2/20/2006
Memorial Website: http://danielle-marie-plourde.memory-of.com/

Wishing You All Continuous Comfort & Peace,
John-Danielle Marie’s Daddy
1/4/95-2/20/06 (head trauma-motor vehicle accident)
“Her friendship was an inspiration, her love a blessing”

Adams Brokenhearted Mama

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Re: Suicide attempts by a parent after the loss of a child
« Reply #12 on: December 01, 2008, 04:21:10 PM »
((John)) From the very 1st time I logged in to this board you have been my inspiration and blessing. One of the things that I missed from this board was reading your posts. How is your wife? I know that she was critically injured in the accident? Has she physically recovered? Regarding the young woman that was the cause of the accident, did she ever try to contact you? I just came back from my bereavent counselor. I am such a work in progress. I wonder if I will ever get there? It's hard as I am trying to move forward with counseling and lots of thought my husband remains so intraspective and burdened by his guilt and emotions he won't release. I don't know how marriages survive when spouses are not on the same page.
XO Love to all my sisters & brothers-in-grief XO
Wishing you all peaceful moments, signs from your Angels & many blessings

Donnys Dad

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Re: Suicide attempts by a parent after the loss of a child
« Reply #13 on: December 03, 2008, 08:52:26 AM »
Paula,

My Son Donny passed away 4 1/2 years ago.  He comited suicide in his recreation room at his house.  I found him at 9:10 PM on June 13, 2004.
He had a self inflicted gunshot wound to his head.  I had been with him hours before and appeared to be fine.  He had broken off his engagement 2 days before but he had said it was the best thing that could happen.

When I went down stairs and found him I knew my life was over.  He was my world, my everything.  We were so very close.  One of his girlfriends said that we were connected at the hip.

Any way I started reaching for the gun so I could join my Son.  At the very last second I stopped.  Only because I knew my family would be in enough pain about losing Donny.  There are still days that I wish I had followed thru with my plan.  I have had to promise my family that I would not do what Donny did and I plan on keeping that promise.

This is all so very hard for all of us.

Don
I Miss You So Much Buddy, My Best Friend, My Tiger

Don, Donny's Proud Dad


Adams Brokenhearted Mama

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Re: Suicide attempts by a parent after the loss of a child
« Reply #14 on: December 03, 2008, 03:52:49 PM »
(( Don)) I FEEL & share your pain, misery and grief. Paula
XO Love to all my sisters & brothers-in-grief XO
Wishing you all peaceful moments, signs from your Angels & many blessings