Paula,
I read this board from time to time and really never post anymore, but I feel moved to respond to you.
I can understand why you felt as you did, and why you did what you did. My other children were all grown when Laura was killed. I had times that I sat on the side of my bed and held the bottle of pills in my hand and wondered if there were enough to make me go to sleep and not wake up. I just could not bear the pain anymore. I always put them back in the drawer, because I knew how much it would hurt my other children, but oh, how much I wanted that relief from the pain! I remember one night I woke up with terrible pains in my chest, and I did nothing but lie in bed, not caring if I was having a heart attack, because then the decision was made and I wouldn't fight it. But obviously it was nothing, because I am still here.
After more than 5 years, I do not think about suicide any more, but I do not fear death either. I miss her so much, and I have pain in my heart every day, I still cry and want answers, but answers are not to be, not in this lifetime. But I just wanted to let you know that I understand your feelings completely. You ar enot alone!
Lois