I am having a really bad day here. All day my wonderful brother Kev has been on my mind. Who am I kidding, he seems to always be on my mind. My brother has been gone 6 months this month and I can't believe that it has already been six months. It just still seems so crazy for me. And ever since I seem to have fallen into a terrible depression. I have not left my house in months, except to go to work. I haven't gone anywhere else. I get my sister in law to go food shopping for me once a week and my husband to do all other errands for me. I have not seen any of my friends barely all I want to do is either sit on my couch and watch t.v. or sleep. I find myself going to beed earlier and earlier. From 10 to 8 now to 7. And sleeping for 12 hours. I am so darn tired. I have not called any of my friends or talked to anyone besides my husband, sister, or 2 brother's. My twin brother Tom who lived with my brother Kev and was the one who found Kev dead in his bedroom is at my house every night because he doesn't want to be alone either. He lives with his girlfriend but says he feels the most comfortable with me at my house, he just started counseling which is a great thing for him,I think if anyone needs it he does. He walked in and found the guy he looks up to more than anything like that. I have these 2 friends who live down the street from me, they are husband and wife and I used to walk down to their house every night almost to watch our prime time shows. Well I have been in such a funk and having a bad couple of months I have not been able to get over there as much as they want me to. They keep calling and saying "what you don't like us", are you mad at us, constantly making me feel bad about not going over there. I keep telling them , no this has nothing to do with you. I am just having a bad time of it. I have found myself constantly defending myself, I have also written many emails to them explaining everything and she said oh I understand. Well that understanding seemed to last about a week before they started over again. They keep giving me a hard time about not coming over there. I mean I already feel bad as it is. Then on Halloween I was taking my son trick o treating and stopped by their house. Probably the first time I had gotten out of the house in a long time. They asked me what I was doing that night. My brother Kev had/has a best friend that is also having a hard time. She called me and asked me to come over to her house that she was really having a bad time. If anyone knows how we are feeling she is one of them, she loved my brother Kev very much, so anyway I told them that. A couple of days later my brother Tom is taking my 2 year old son for a walk and she stops him and says, We don't here from your sister anymore, she doesn't like us, what did we ever do to her. She went over to Lorie's on Halloween and didn't come by our house, I guess your sister picked who her friend is. Now if anyone can help me with this please do. Is that not the craziest thing in the world. Is the point of all their complaints about them. The most used word in their complaints are, us, we, us, we, me, me, me. I mean my god. I feel like I am drowning here in sadness. My husbands father is dying from lung cancer, he has 6 months to live. My husband and I have to take him to daily radiation and monthly chemo. My wonderful, loving, kind, caring brother is gone. I will never get to see him ever again! My mother in law who along with my father in law are like parents to me passed away last year. Is it me? Am I being a terrible person?
When they were having a tough year when the husband had back surgery right around the time that their daughter was getting married, who is also a good friend of mine, I was there for her everyday. I took her grocery shopping every other day, Took her to her doctor's appt., paid for some of the stuff for the wedding shower because I knew that money was tight for them because he was on disability. Am I wrong to ask for them to be there for me at this time when I am in so much pain and to understand that I am just not up to doing anything right now. That to just bear with me until I start to feel alittle better. I just can't believe it. My sister is so mad at them because she says they think the world revolves around them. I don't know what to think. Maybe someone can give me advice. And maybe let me know if this feeling that I have of not wanting to do anything and always sad will ever start to at least lift alittle. I know that I am in some sort of depression. I have know these friends of mine for a very long time.