Author Topic: This AWFUL PAIN  (Read 6461 times)

Terry

  • Administrator
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 5951
    • “Grief is like the ocean; it comes on waves ebbing and flowing. Sometimes the water is calm, and sometimes it is overwhelming. All we can do is learn to swim.” –Vicki Harrison
    • View Profile
This AWFUL PAIN
« on: November 10, 2008, 01:31:17 PM »
I hate this time of the year. This day, this date. The 10th, when my Jeff moved back home and 2 months later he was gone.
I'm so tired today, just going through the motions, pretending to feel anything other than the pain of my soul being torn to shreds. This is wrong and it's not the way it should be. I want to hold him, touch him, just love him, be with him.  I miss you so much baby and you've been gone too long now, so please come home. Please!!!

I know he hears me, sees me and is saying.."Momma, we'll be together." And I even see him smiling. The only comfort I feel today is feeling his smile. I haven't always felt his smile, but today I do.

I can't stop crying and it feels like I'm never going to. 6 years in January, but I always said that time is no healer. Time is no friend. If I could just go back to January and change something, anything, maybe he would still be here. But I don't know what to change or how to or even if I could. I just feel so sad, just so, so sad. Different feeling than down, a feeling I can't even put into words. Words?

Back under the covers I guess and maybe tire out from crying. Sleep, at times my only rescue. Sleep, a temporary healer, a distraction from all the pain, from my insides screaming, with every fiber of my being crying..Come Back...COME BACK<>>>PLEASEEEEE!

So Empty

quint906

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 204
  • Cory
    • View Profile
Re: This AWFUL PAIN
« Reply #1 on: November 10, 2008, 02:20:03 PM »
Terry.  I know exactly how you feel.  It'll be three years for me on December 19th.  Everyday, I feel and say the same things that you say and feel.  I ask myself, "how long does this feeling stay?".   I'm honestly convinced that I'm still in denial.  These last three years seem like yesterday.  Time's going by so fast yet I'm still stuck in 2005 and expect to wake up and find it was all a dream.  Cory was so much a major part of my identity as a mom and now I'm just a shell of my former self.

I guess what I want to say is that you are not alone.

I've only been stopping in and reading the posts and haven't commented because I feel I don't have much to add as support right now.  So if anyone of my friends here read this, I think of you all often.

Holding you in my thoughts.

Jo (Cory's mom)

Terry

  • Administrator
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 5951
    • “Grief is like the ocean; it comes on waves ebbing and flowing. Sometimes the water is calm, and sometimes it is overwhelming. All we can do is learn to swim.” –Vicki Harrison
    • View Profile
Re: This AWFUL PAIN
« Reply #2 on: November 10, 2008, 02:54:31 PM »
Jo, I'm so sorry you're Cory is no longer here. I've found that when these dates, even come close, it does seem like yesterday. All of the memories, and so very vivid, just come pouring down. We all have defense mechanisms and I believe they keep us alive.
I know my children are gone, but sometimes it's just so hard to believe, and at times, and especially around dates and oh, these holidays...it seems like it's happening all over again, and for the first time.

I read a quote from a Dad from this Board and I could relate, and the reason I started posting here. His daughter died and he said.."I know in my mind she is gone but I believe that if my heart ever accepted it, I would die."

Feel everything and if it has a name, ok and if it doesn't...I have never bothered giving it one.
We all own our feelings.

I'll be thinking about you and Cory as the 19th approaches and holding you close with Love and Understanding.

Love,
Terry

Dena

  • nospam
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 1252
    • View Profile
Re: This AWFUL PAIN
« Reply #3 on: November 10, 2008, 03:19:52 PM »
(((((Terry)))))))

I am thinking of you & Jeff.  This time of the year is so hard for so many of us.  I think that time has no relevance for those who are grieving. It is hard for us to measure time.  Sure, I can say Josh is gone 9 years, but it doesn't feel like 9 years.  Some days, it feels like yesterday.

The only way keep going is to move forward on this journey - there are no shortcuts. 

Love,
Dena, Josh's Mom

Jeanneb

  • Guest
Re: This AWFUL PAIN
« Reply #4 on: November 10, 2008, 04:33:32 PM »
((((Terry)))

Dates can be so hard and put us right back to that moment in time no matter how much time has actually passed.  Then the holidays are added and it can just be overwhelming.

My youngest Philip has been gone 5 years but at times it seems like yesterday.

We just seem to keep putting one foot in front of the other taking those deep breaths along the way trying to keep moving forward... sometimes kicking and screaming.

Hold on tight,
Jeanne
Philip's mom forever

Terry

  • Administrator
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 5951
    • “Grief is like the ocean; it comes on waves ebbing and flowing. Sometimes the water is calm, and sometimes it is overwhelming. All we can do is learn to swim.” –Vicki Harrison
    • View Profile
Re: This AWFUL PAIN
« Reply #5 on: November 11, 2008, 12:57:32 AM »
"The only way keep going is to move forward on this journey - there are no shortcuts."

Yes, Dena I agree. And the reason I am still standing after burying all my children. I have always been the 'one' that others have depended upon for strength and it does become a heavy weight at times and more responsibility than emotionally, I am able to take on.

But, I always have and others have always been used to that: Give it to Terry. Let Terry handle the funeral arrangements. Ask Terry to be POA and responsible for all medical decisions, for him, for her...she can handle it.
And I have gladly taken this on over the years for my family, and even friends. Sometimes, it's just nice, it's important, to be able to just throw my hands up and say, "No More"..I need some "Me Time"; the time to feel and the time to grieve.

I have always borrowed time and always paid it back before anyone's interest is due. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I really appreciate having this place, all of you to come to and knowing that you hear me. And through all of my complaining here, I'm also saying....Thank You.

It's been a long, very long, day and night. I 'did' sleep after coming on here this afternoon and awoke feeling grateful. A welcome feeling.

Hugs and Love to you Dena!
Terry
« Last Edit: January 05, 2014, 11:35:05 AM by Terry »

Terry

  • Administrator
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 5951
    • “Grief is like the ocean; it comes on waves ebbing and flowing. Sometimes the water is calm, and sometimes it is overwhelming. All we can do is learn to swim.” –Vicki Harrison
    • View Profile
Re: This AWFUL PAIN
« Reply #6 on: November 11, 2008, 01:23:24 AM »
Yes Jeanne, these dates are awful. And regardless of how I try to 'rearrange' or 'prepare' (which we all know there is really no such thing) and there are times I do nothing, knowing what is coming; because it's still going to come, those draining feelings, the darkness, the emptiness.....it's just always different.  That's a feeling I've come to get used to.

Thanks Jeanne and know that you too, are in my thoughts.

Love,
Terry

Terry

  • Administrator
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 5951
    • “Grief is like the ocean; it comes on waves ebbing and flowing. Sometimes the water is calm, and sometimes it is overwhelming. All we can do is learn to swim.” –Vicki Harrison
    • View Profile
Re: This AWFUL PAIN
« Reply #7 on: November 11, 2008, 02:36:27 AM »
Oh Judy, IF ONLY, yes, if only they didn't die!!! If only we could see them, touch them. If only we had just one more day to spend with them. If only one last kiss and hug. If only we could have all of those years back, oh, we would be so grateful, so happy...so whole again.
 
Our reality is living in that state of 'in-between' that you speak of, and managing. Maintaining. Cherishing those feelings of happiness and peace and wishing they could last forever.

I've been fortunate that, for most of my life and through it all, I have felt/been in peace. But, I agree, that 'in-between' (time)  is agonizingly cruel! You have expressed exactly, how I feel.

Thank You Judy for being here for me.

Love,
Terry

Brenda Taylors Mom

  • nospam
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 1378
  • I miss you so much my "big tough guy"
    • View Profile
    • http://www.taylor-lewis.memory-of.com
Re: This AWFUL PAIN
« Reply #8 on: November 11, 2008, 08:02:43 AM »
((( Terry)))) You said " I can feel his smile".. that is so ,, well there are no words.... to feel your Jeff's smile is to truely love and to truely love is to hurt so so deeply.. I don't see how acceptance ever comes, how can a parent accept the unthinkable? Sending you my love Terry and saying JEFF OUTLOUD !!!! Love, Brenda

Terry

  • Administrator
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 5951
    • “Grief is like the ocean; it comes on waves ebbing and flowing. Sometimes the water is calm, and sometimes it is overwhelming. All we can do is learn to swim.” –Vicki Harrison
    • View Profile
Re: This AWFUL PAIN
« Reply #9 on: November 12, 2008, 03:20:05 PM »
Thank You Brenda, and for the shout-out of a beautiful sound! That meant a lot!

A feeling that warms your soul, to me, is indescribable. The deeper we love, the deeper the pain. I believe this.

Acceptance for many things is so important to keep us balanced and basically...sane. Do any of us want to accept that our children have died? NO! Of course not. Not much more to add on that subject.

I appreciate your kindness, Brenda. Sending you love and hope for the most wonderful memory of your precious Taylor to warm your heart today.

Love,
Terry

LaVonne

  • nospam
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 724
    • View Profile
Re: This AWFUL PAIN
« Reply #10 on: November 14, 2008, 06:57:20 AM »
 This time of year is always hard. We have the Holidays,anniversaries,ect.  I cannot dwell on the past because it will pull me in. I have to let go and move forward. The If onlys will destroy us because we cannoy change it.

 It has been 10yrs for me so it is softer and I can enjoy life. I have grandchildren who keep me going and i know I have to live for them. My life is no longer about me but about them. If I see them smile then I feel I am doing ok. I have been through a lot the last couple months and sometimes don't have engery to keep going but just keep putting one foot in front of the other. Life is never fair and can be very hard at times. I have never been good with words. I know what I want to say but at times come out wrong. Just know I care and sending much love and many hugs.  Thinking of Jeff and you.  Hopeing you see a little sunshine in your day.  LaVonne

Terry

  • Administrator
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 5951
    • “Grief is like the ocean; it comes on waves ebbing and flowing. Sometimes the water is calm, and sometimes it is overwhelming. All we can do is learn to swim.” –Vicki Harrison
    • View Profile
Re: This AWFUL PAIN
« Reply #11 on: November 15, 2008, 12:58:22 AM »
Hi Lavonne! It's so good to hear from you and to see your beautiful Jason.

"The If onlys will destroy us because we cannot change it."

No, we cannot change the awful truth that our children have died. And you know, because I've probably shared it a thousand times, that I "Live by the Serenity Prayer" and the knowledge in it's meaning that has always kept me grounded.
During this journey, I have grown to accept that I have and always will-have, much to learn. It is truly a never-ending process. Almost like a book that someone has started writing, well, it will never be finished, never an ending because none of us know what the ending will be. We can just continue to write of our experiences. The ending will ultimately...write itself.

As you also know, I too have a Granddaughter. My Jeff's beautiful daughter. The more time that passes, the more my thinking has changed from her being my 'reason for staying here because she needs me' to...I love her dearly but I don't 'live' for her. Because when all is said and done, I will be alone with 'me' and what I've personally accomplished and dealt with and if I can feel complete by the choices I've made, lived with...the goals I've set, the dreams I've dreamed and hopefully, lived to fulfill. At the same time I don't want to imagine life without her...sounds conflicting, I know, but I think you understand where I'm coming from.
This has taken me on another journey of soul-searching and of discovery.
 
I'm sorry to hear of the trials you've had to bear recently and I do hope that you're taking good care of yourself and that very soon, you'll be on the mend!
And I think that you're 'very good' with words Lavonne, as you have always expressed your heart-felt feelings in a way that has always touched my heart. And I thank you for your honesty, and always...your concern.

Thank You for just being here. It really does mean so much.

And thank you, I 'have' enjoyed the sunshine, literally...it was hot in Florida today.:)
It does come in the other form, but lately very dark clouds are hovering. I must admit that I'm running on my reserve right now. (Happy that I've kept it full)

Thinking of you and Jason and sending you a Big Hug and Lots of Love!!

Terry
« Last Edit: November 15, 2008, 02:33:23 AM by Terry »

rita-grammy

  • nospam
  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 250
  • Judi Rebecca ( Boo)
    • View Profile
    • myspace.com/ritagrammy
Re: This AWFUL PAIN
« Reply #12 on: November 15, 2008, 02:57:40 PM »
I have been there so many nights I cry for my baby...I begged please come home to lose a child is just not fair. I don't know what to say but, know I understand the pain and I send you love.

Rita
I'll love you for always
I'll like you forever
as long as I'm living
my baby you'll be

Marianne

  • nospam
  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 460
  • Alek's Mom
    • View Profile
Re: This AWFUL PAIN
« Reply #13 on: November 17, 2008, 04:44:53 PM »
Dear Terry,

I understand your pain and agree that some times all we can do is hide under the covers.

Sending you love and strength.
Marianne (Alek's Mom Forever)

Annette

  • nospam
  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 404
  • Michael, my beloved first son, I miss you so much.
    • View Profile
Re: This AWFUL PAIN
« Reply #14 on: November 17, 2008, 08:23:54 PM »
I can so relate to what you said, Terry. The pain. I always remember what John Lennon said: "Time wounds all heals." It is the same with me the pain intensifying. Just like you, I yearn to change something, and to have a different outcome.

Just this past weekend, I saw a bicycle rider who looked a lot like my Michael when he was a young teen and rode a bicycle. I had to get near him on the road and look, I honestly thought it might be Michael! How can I think that after 1 1/2 years? I wanted it to be him, and I burst into tears when of course, it was not him, but some other young man.

I don't know what will help, but I come to this forum at times. It's too painful to visit often. Compassionate Friends is out there, but I couldn't take hearing everyone's bereavement story of how their child died. I take anti-depressants and anti-anxiety drugs now and it helps me get through the days. Some days I don't get through at all, and I just fall apart.

I feel love for you, Terry, and everyone else on this board who pours out their souls. We're connected by our greatest loss and our sorrows, and it's a kind of comaraderie that wasn't asked for but yet we were chosen to bear it. Or maybe it was random. I can't decide. I only wish I could be with every one of you and hug and cry and have community. I think then I would feel more healing.

I'm sorry I rambled more about me than you and I'm sure I'm not helpful at all, but I'm in so much pain. And I do hope that our beautiful sons are together in Heaven and having fun. Take care Terry.
Michael's Mom
12-13-82 - 5-14-07

Trevor & Michael 2004 Age3