would appreciate opinions

[middle sis]

Hi guys, I know I don't post or reply much for that matter, but I would like your opinion on how to handle something. To refresh your memory, I lost my only brother and sister to a car accident, in what will be 10 years this november 16th.

Anyways, my mom and I got into a bit of an argument the other day, not sure why she was so upset, she just kinda flipped out. I let her go, thinking she would cool off. Not quite so, I woke the next morning to what I would consider a nasty email, personally attacking me and "how I am". I called her, and I admit, I was ready for a fight. Well, things continued to become heated, her telling me how disrespectful and unappreciative I am, and how i treat her as if she isn't good enough. I never said one bad thing about her. I not sure where she is going with all of this.

Anyways, here is what I need help on. During our conversation I  confronted her on email she circulated a while back. (One of those forwards, with all kinds of questions about yourself.) Well one question was where would you would rather be right now....and her answer was "heaven." I asked her about this and I told her that it makes me feel like I'm not good enough for her, that she would rather be with her two deceased children in heaven, then here on earth with her only living child left. Her reply......."you don't know what its like.... there isn't anything left here to live for." I get it, losing a child, let alone two, has to be the hardes thing imaginable. But I am still here. So I was right....I'm not good enough....why stick around for me? I don't get it. I feel so rejected. I wanted her to tell me she didn't mean it, or that she was just having a bad day when she sent the email, but no, she confirmed what I felt. 

Now I'm at a loss as to what to do, how to heal. She left me a voicemail and said she wants to talk more about it, but I'm not so sure I want to. I don't want to talk to her right now.  What are your thoughts?

[Luvinmike]

Dear middle sis;
      I am so sorry for your enormous grief losing your siblings. I am on the main board for losing my husband. I also come from a family with a number of losses, or reasons for grief if you will. I felt compelled to write you back and say that your Mom is just plain sad. How could she not weaken and have moments of overwhelming grief and want her pain to be visible- like on the email. Maybe even in not reassuring you that she'd rather be here w/ you, maybe it is her cry of help. Maybe she needs you to be exceptionally kind to her and love her thru these dark moments. And maybe she can return the favor when you are low and might seem tense or however. i do not know a Mom who would choose any of her kids over any others- just my opinion, but Mothers never think that way, and if you are a Mom or become one you will instantly understand.
      Of course you are everything to her- we always hurt the ones we love the most. Because we pray they will understand. Please communicate with your Mom. And know that you are in my thoughts, wishing you peace. This is so hard. Sending you strength middle sis... Terri

[laurenE]

Middle sis,

perhaps you need a mediator to help with this conversation...a pastor, a  counselor, someone fairly neutral. 

Your mother sounds very depressed and needs patience and understanding more than anything right now.  I suspect it is her depression talking, not your real mother.   Give her a break as the anniv of the deaths can be very very painful.   Hopefully when the anniv week passes, she will be in a better state of mind.  But I would not suggest having the big talk until the anniv date has passed on Nov 16.  Then maybe she will be able to think clearly and not be so controlled by her feelings. 

[middle sis]

Thanks for your advice guys, but we did talk tonight. She kept calling so I finally answered.  She is really in a depressed state, at least that is what I believe, but she doesn't think so. Her husband is causing alot of the issues. She finally told me that tonight. She apologized for the mean things she said, saying she only said those things because that is what she hears her husband say about me. And since she was upset, those were the things that came out of her mouth. But...She still doesn't take back what she said about nothing here is worth living for, she just tells me I just don't understand. I told her that will just have to be another one of those things we have to agree to disagree on. Does it make me feel any better? No...not really. She says she doesn't want me to be mad at her, I told her I'm not, but that things will just be different now. How could it not be, I just don't feel as loved. I too apologized for yelling at her, I know that this is a very difficult time, but I hate being the strong one all the time. I don't think I have ever had the chance to let someone be strong for me.  I just wish she understood that. Ten years.....Ten years, I have been the strong one. I'm getting tired. I don't know. Teri, I am a mom of three kids, and I couldn't ever imagine losing any of them. It would be unbearable. But at the same time, I couldn't ever imagine telling my child, that there is nothing left to live for. I'm still hurt. I guess this too will pass in time. I can say that though I am hurt by my mothers words, I am now more mad at her husband. And she of course, doesn't want me to have hard feelings towards him.....how can I not? I guess, I will just have to bite my tongue, since my own mother won't speak up to him on my behalf.
Well thanks for you advice again, it means alot to hear different sides to the issues. I will keep you posted of any new happening!
Thanks
middle sis

[Luvinmike]

Hi middle sis, glad you wrote back and I am so sorry your talk w/ your Mom left you still w/ so much pain. That is really hard.
I am sorry if I seemed like i was judging your situation. More so just wanting you to find that comfort of not having extra relationship stress on top of this grief, but it is not always so simple is it. I was touched by your note. And the reply also, as I do understand that feeing of always having to be strong. I will pray your Mom can understand how those words could really hurt you and hope she is able to communicate in a different way someday. Terri

[Jeanneb]

Hi middle sis,

I just read your post.  I have lost a brother and I have also lost my youngest son.  My brother has been gone 12 years and my son 5 years.  I am terribly sorry for your loss...

Glad to see your mom and you have talked and I would like to suggest that you continue this.  You might think about being open and honest with her and your feelings.  It is just so hard to loose a child and I can tell you that I have said those exact words that your mom has said.  I also had my own daughter call me out on saying it.  While I didn't like hearing it at the time, she did help open my eyes and it opened up some much needed dialogue.

From my perspective, your mom is depressed and when it comes to those angel dates.... it just drives everything right back to the day it all happened.  Then if she is having some marital issues... I can only imagine how down she must be.

Sometimes in our grief we just loose focus on all our blessings and can only see our hurt, our pain.  Not to say this is right just to say how I know I've felt.  I have to remind myself at times while I lost Philip and how much I miss him everyday, since his death I have been very blessed.  My other children have now gotten married and I have beautiful grandchildren but at times it all just gets so blurry, so fuzzy.

My own mother and I are just now at 5 years down the road able to actually sit down and talk about my brother and my son and share our pain.  I know what it was like for me as a daughter to watch my mom so terribly sad and hurt and I can see that same pain in my own daughter's eyes.

Sometimes even though we don't say things the right way and we use anger, we still need to tell each other our feelings and then suck up our pride, apologize if need be for those hurtful things and then still carry on that conversation but in a positive and productive way.  Your mom loves you and she needs you and your children.  I hope that you will continue to keep up those conversations and let her know how you feel but just think out how to express it and let her know you don't mean to hurt her but you need her, your kids need her.

Also, you don't need to be the "strong one" all the time...let yourself off the hook with that one.  I know it is hard, been there done that and got the t-shirt.  During all this, you also lost a brother and a sister and that hurts and there is a void also in your life.  You, too, are human and that is ok.

Do you and your mom talk about your siblings?  I will say that is one thing I've found is that mom and I really do enjoy our talks when we share our memories about my brother and son.  This is very healing for all involved and as a mom your fear is that they will be forgotten.

We always seem to take out our anger on the ones we love the most.

Hold on tight,
Jeanne
Philip's mom forever
Bruce's sister

[middle sis]

Jeanne,
Thanks for your reply, it helps to hear it from both a mom who has lost a child, and a sister who lost a brother. I opens the perspective up from both points of view.  I agree that I need to be more open with my mom about my feelings. Actually we both do. Thats just something we have never been able to accomplish. She is alot more sensetive than me, so I am always worried I will say the wrong thing. Just like talking about my brother and sister, we seldom do that, because she will resort to tears. Not that I don't miss them terribly, I tend to lock more up inside, and not show it. She and I are just two very different people.

I do think she is depressed too. And like you said has lost focus on the blessings before her now. She is having trouble seeing past the pain. She hasn't always been like this. For some reason maybe this ten year mark is doing it to her.

I will continue to talk with my mom. Believe it or not, it was hard to ignore her calls for 2 days. We have all learned life it to short, to be mad at someone.

Thanks again, and sorry for the loss of you brother and son