Author Topic: 16 years - hope the rules haven't changed! (kinda long)  (Read 7300 times)

jo

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 14
    • View Profile
16 years - hope the rules haven't changed! (kinda long)
« on: October 27, 2008, 03:52:29 PM »
Hello,
     I used to post here many times a day - it was a wonderful, comforting place to be at a time when the pain of the loss of our son Jay D. seemed unbearable. He died 16 years ago today. So, I was posting here regularly many years ago. We still remember him daily, but are now able to do so without the pain and hurt that we felt for so long.
     The pain and hurt might have a benefit - it allowed us to learn to accept and love our son as strongly in our memories as we loved him during his life. It's strange, because the "apron strings" for the child that died never get cut - he will always remain 17 (and younger) and we will always want to take care of him. Taking care of him means keeping him in everyone's memory as well as ours. It has become our parental ambition for him.
     Jay D will not have a generation after him - or two or three. No children, grandchildren, or great-grandchildren who will benefit from his direct influence. They will not have memories to relate to one another. They can only benefit from him through stories about him. We do not want him to be a footnote in one of our descendant's family histories.
     Here's an irritating little event that took place, however: Every year, around the date of his death, we have purchased a big mum plant for our church to use as decoration until Thanksgiving. Most people have thought it to be beautiful and decorative. We have it announced that it is in memory of Jay D. Four years ago, another boy in our town was killed in a car accident on November 1. His grandmother asked if I would also choose a similar plant for her to have in memory of her grandson. So, for 4 years there have been two bright, huge mum plants in church for a couple of weeks. About 3 years ago, one of the people in our church began complaining about the plants. She told me she thought they were a nuisance. She would say at other times that they were too big, they were gaudy, they were a mess when they dried out (which really never happened), and she thought they were unnecessary.
       I'm guessing she thought it foolish that we "remembered" Jay D. so long after he died. I think she might have decided it was in poor taste to bring his death up every year.  A week ago, just to be onry, I mentioned to the old biddy that I was planning to purchase the mum plants for the coming Sunday (yesterday). Yes, it was not a very Christian act on my part. She pretended to be surprised and said, "Oh, you are?"
       On Wednesday, I received a call from the lady actually in charge of flowers - a sweet little 82-year old who, even in her most active years would not offend anyone. I'm sure she was caught in the middle. She explained to me that someone (she didn't say who) had found some cut mums from a garden, and we wouldn't be needing the plants this year. She added that the kitchen remodeling project made it hard to keep the mum plants wet during the week. I knew right away this was not her idea, but told her that I understood. (I saw no point in making her feel bad). So, no memorial mums this year! Later, after church, the lady that called me said "I'm sorry about that call this week - I didn't think that over very well." I told her it was fine.
        Fortunately, the complaining lady did not show up at church yesterday, or I'm afraid I would have been catty. I think I'll just wait until next year, purchase the plants and bring them to church without consulting anyone. (I did, however, tell quite a few people that I was asked not to bring memorial flowers for Jay D. this year. I have some friends that will fuss about it!)
        Jay D. would have loved this! He would have loved the fuss over a mum plant, and the fact that his mom was working on a way to fight for him.
        For those of you in the first years of your grief, I truly want you to know that I share your sorrow for your child. I am so sorry you have to go through this, and so sorry that you no longer have your wonderful child in life. Please cherish the memories - the bad as well as the good. Your child will live on in your memories - you will still be able to see that wonderful face, hear that delightful voice, and imagine that wonderful person in clear, real memories. I like to think that Jay D. is now able to walk through any door he wants to relive his favorite times. If he does that, we are there too! How delightful.

Thank you so much for letting me share.
Jane     
       

jo

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 14
    • View Profile
Re: 16 years - hope the rules haven't changed! (kinda long)
« Reply #1 on: October 28, 2008, 10:39:05 AM »
Thanks for responding. When I saw 0 replies, I thought perhaps I had intruded. Perhaps most people, for whom the loss of a child is still very painful, think that 16 years is too long to be posting here. I am so grateful that all of us will NEVER forget, however.
Jane

SARAH()

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • Posts: 73
    • View Profile
Re: 16 years - hope the rules haven't changed! (kinda long)
« Reply #2 on: October 28, 2008, 11:46:58 AM »
One thing you might consider is just appealing to the pastor and explaining that the flowers are important to you, and asking that the congregation will at least tolerate them as a Christian act of love and support.  I don't think "tolerate my flowers because you care about me, as Christ commands us to care for one anther" is too much to ask.  It is not her business to decide whether or not your grief, and desire for mums is justified, it is only her business to support and love you as Christ teaches.  How, when, and if you should remember your son is between you and our Lord, who probably does not need her opinion.  Of course, remembering a child who died any number of years ago is totally justified, but sometimes it is helpful to respond in a manner that does not suggest the topic is up for debate, instead of "I am justified" which encourages debate try "I am not obligated to justify myself to you" which turns it back to her defending HER behavior instead of you defending yours!!!

ps, piddly concerns, such as renovations, are not good reasons for not responding with Christian love to someone's request.

with love, Sarah
missing our girls (baby twins) for seven years



jo

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 14
    • View Profile
Re: 16 years - hope the rules haven't changed! (kinda long)
« Reply #3 on: October 28, 2008, 12:26:58 PM »
It does seem like yesterday - I can remember the entire day from the moment he died (even though I had not been told, I still knew it in my heart), through the night (when of course we did not sleep) until the next day. The next week (and, actually years) vary from being a complete blur to some extremely vivid recollections.

Kathy

  • nospam
  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 270
  • Don
    • View Profile
Re: 16 years - hope the rules haven't changed! (kinda long)
« Reply #4 on: October 28, 2008, 05:28:18 PM »
Dear Jo,

I finding it comforting when old friends return. It gives me hope to think that another parent has walk ahead of me on this path and continues to survive.

It must have been difficult for you to sit in church and not see the flowers you usually give in memory of your son. I guess there will always be people that are uncomfortable when confronted with the memories of our children.
My 16 year old son, Don was killed in a car accident 4 years ago and I don't want him forgotten.

I am holding you and Jay D close to my heart tonight .

Kathy-Don's Mom

tsoley

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 450
  • We Love You Jordan
    • View Profile
Re: 16 years - hope the rules haven't changed! (kinda long)
« Reply #5 on: October 28, 2008, 06:00:52 PM »
I wonder everyday how I am going to go on without my son. It is encouraging to hear from someone who has been on this road that has much more experience than I do. My son was killed in a car accident 15 months ago and I can still see his beautiful face as he lay in his casket. I sometimes think I am going crazy and that everyone around me thinks I am stark raving mad. I miss him so much and I can't imagine going 16 years without seeing him, but I guess I've got to do what God tells me. Sometimes (quite often) I find myself thinking "did this really happen? You mean Jordan is not coming home?" What in the world. I still yearn for him. Do you have any great phrases, advice, or anything for me? I don't know what to do from here.
Tammy (Jordan's Mom)

Dena

  • nospam
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 1252
    • View Profile
Re: 16 years - hope the rules haven't changed! (kinda long)
« Reply #6 on: October 28, 2008, 06:08:35 PM »
Hi Jane,

Thank you - I know that many new to our journey will benefit from those of us farther along. 

I am sorry that woman was so narrow minded.  Maybe it was that the Mums made her uncomfortable?  Some folks just cannot handle a reminder that a child has died. It is sad, but true.  Our children never fade from our memory and maybe in time, she will understand or at least attempt to be understanding.

Believe me, you are NOT intruding.  I am looking at 10 years next August and this place has been my rock all along.

Hugs,
Dena, Josh's Mom

jo

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 14
    • View Profile
Re: 16 years - hope the rules haven't changed! (kinda long)
« Reply #7 on: October 31, 2008, 07:18:36 AM »
Tammy,
     (I haven't figured out how to post in the right place, but will respond anyway).
     Our son was 17 when he was killed in that car accident. That was 16 years ago - he's been gone almost as long as we had him. Looking back, it seems as though he's been gone only a few months. It's hard to believe that he would be 34 years old, had he lived!
      While the intense sorrow and pain for the first five or six years after his death were awful, I don't think that I regret all that grief now when looking back. Somehow, those first years helped me to keep him closer now. In other words, had the recovery from his death been easier, I'm not sure that I would have as many vivid memories of him now. Just reliving his life over and over after he died seems to have brought out the most accurate and vivid memories.
       Of course, we would rather have had him live, but that didn't happen.
       You asked me for advice, but I can't give much that is helpful except this: The memory of seeing your child in death is indelible, but it can become much less vivid if you strive to remember as much as you can about his or her life. Keep the memories honest - allow the "naughty" child to remain right there in the memory with the "good" child. And, talk about your child as much as you can. Even if you get teary. So what if it makes people uncomfortable? They'll have to deal with it. Perhaps they'll realize that the discomfort over someone grieving is not anything compared to the discomfort of grief itself.
Jane

Debh

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 797
  • Forever Loved, Forever Missed, Never Forgotten
    • View Profile
Re: 16 years - hope the rules haven't changed! (kinda long)
« Reply #8 on: November 01, 2008, 04:54:35 AM »
Hi Jane,

 I related to "I like to think that Jay D. is now able to walk through any door he wants to relive his favorite times. If he does that, we are there too! How delightful."

Your post gives hope to all I am sure, its been 12 years for me since the loss of my 2 Chad's also died in a car accident, I live each day through their memories and I do believe this keeps us together and close. Never thought I would make it this many years but here I am and it does get easier although I continue to wish it all was a nightmare and I will wake someday finding them playing cards waiting for me to join them for a game or coffee.

Thinking of you and your son Jay.

Love Deb



Dottie (Tammie's Mom)

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 1134
  • Tammie (My Precious Daughter) 8-9-65/9-14-05
    • View Profile
    • Project Tammie
Re: 16 years - hope the rules haven't changed! (kinda long)
« Reply #9 on: November 01, 2008, 05:52:05 AM »
I read your post with tears in my eyes. I am3 years on this journey and still struggling.

You wrote your post beautifully. Sorry about the flowers. Guess there are always those that will just never ever understand.

HUGS,
Dottie

Brenda Taylors Mom

  • nospam
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 1378
  • I miss you so much my "big tough guy"
    • View Profile
    • http://www.taylor-lewis.memory-of.com
Re: 16 years - hope the rules haven't changed! (kinda long)
« Reply #10 on: November 01, 2008, 10:05:56 AM »
16 years is not " over it" , you love your son, that is something a person doesn't get over.. it's a never ending love...

tsoley

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 450
  • We Love You Jordan
    • View Profile
Re: 16 years - hope the rules haven't changed! (kinda long)
« Reply #11 on: November 02, 2008, 05:28:56 PM »
Jane,
Thank you for your reply. I do think about the happy times I had with my son, as well as the times when he got into trouble. I miss it all. What I wouldn't do to pay that $200 cell phone bill again. I talk about him daily with and without tears. I do like the statement you made about people realizing that the discomfort over seeing someone grieve is not anything compared to the discomfort of grief itself. I printed out your response and plan to take it to work with me and hang it at my desk. Thank you so much...you are in inspiration. Please keep talking to me about how you have handled things.

Tammy
Tammy (Jordan's Mom)

sammy

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 17
    • View Profile
Re: 16 years - hope the rules haven't changed! (kinda long)
« Reply #12 on: November 11, 2008, 05:10:07 AM »
Thankyou for sharing with us. Please keep writing. My son died 5 years ago on Halloween and I am in incredible pain. I hope you take those mums in next year for your son. My son would have also loved the commotion. That person who had a problem with you bringing your beautiful mums can stuff a thorny bush where the sun doesnot shine. How heartless. People can be so cruel and selfish. I hope you will continue sharing here. I am new here but you are NOt intruding.

My heart is with you,
Kyle's sad and broken mama 4ever
jackie

My son was barely 5 when he was medically murdered

Adams Brokenhearted Mama

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 1219
    • View Profile
Re: 16 years - hope the rules haven't changed! (kinda long)
« Reply #13 on: November 29, 2008, 01:34:28 PM »
When you say that it gets easier, I'm sorry, but I need to know how. I ask this because I am coping differently then I was two years ago and yet in so many ways not much better. I walk around with my son ever present in my mind. My heart always feels heavy with sadness. I no longer experience joy. I cry often and easily. I expect for my son to come home. I expect for G-d to listen to pleas and somehow change what has happened. I have lost friends and made new ones and yet I find myself willing to give up the new ones because what we have in common is far to awful. I lost a job because I lost myself. I am losing my marriage. I lost Adam and I lost me and my family. I go to sleep with him on my mind and wake up to thoughts of him. I hate having to visit him in a cemetary and yet if I don't go for a few days I feel a physical need to be there. I fear moving ahead and leaving Adam behind. I hate making new memories because Adam isn't there to share in them. I fear that my other children will not keep Adam ever present in their daily lives as I want them to do. How do you cope?
XO Love to all my sisters & brothers-in-grief XO
Wishing you all peaceful moments, signs from your Angels & many blessings