Whispers To Shouts?

[MommysPreciousAngel]

On Sunday night I logged on to the site to write a long rant-like letter and beg for help.  But then I read the post from 'missumom' and I was sidetracked from my own pain for a while. 
The weekend was tough, because of my birthday that passed on the Thursday, the 3 momth mark that my mom has been gone on the Friday and my daughter was 2 months old on the Saturday (she was born on my mom's birthday).  On Saturday night we were invited to braai by my father's new house.  He just moved into it.
It was tough walking into his new home that he and my brother share now, and seeing so many of my mom's things everywhere, but no mom.  I had only been back to their house once since she died.   
I kept expecting her to walk into the room, her blonde hair shining like soft silk on her shoulders, a gentle smile on her lips as she hugged me hello.  But, of course, she didn't. 
Instead, my dad's lady friend was there, with her dark hair and aged and weathered face.  Such a complete opposite.  I do like this lady.  She was my dad's girlfriend before he met my mom when they were teenagers.   Yet my dad and this lady always kept contact to an extent.  My mom knew, didn't like it, and was assured that they didn't talk anymore.  but clearly that was not the case, because my mom was no sooner gone and my dad's friend was around.   I don't blame him, and I believe she had loved me dad all these many many years, even though she married someone else and had 3 children with him.    She didn't stand a chance with my dad while my mom was around though - nothing more than friendship anyway.  But now my mom is gone, and she is visiting, and I do not resent it, or begrudge my father the right to move on, no matter how soon (reading alot of the posts here has also opened my eyes to this) and also, I think my dad is so lonely, I am actually grateful he has someone. 
But it was still very very hard. 
And then I really felt like talking about her, so on Sunday I tried.  I spoke to my friend first, and halfway through what I was saying she interrupted and said, 'I need food'.   I was rather shocked that I was speaking about my deepest pain and she was thinking about food.  So that was that lesson learnt.  Then on Sunday night I tried talking to my husband, but he was busy texting some of his friends on his cell and I could see he wasn't paying attention.  Just to be sure, I stopped talking halfway through my sentence and he didn't even look up or notice. 
And then the wild thought entered my mind and not for the first time - 'wouldn't I be better off being with my mom and friend where they are now in a place of no suffering, no pain and no sadness'.   It's a scary thought, and I suppose a normal one from what I have read.  I was so down though, that I wanted to come and write about it.  I was wondering if these little whispers in our minds get louder, and turn to shouts, or do they just slowly fade away again?

[georgiapeaches]

preciousangel, I had wrote a post awhile ago how I have noone to talk to about my husband but you guys on this site. I dont think its that noone cares, its just "they moved on" I cant. not yet. I wondered how could he have left me in this hell? why could I go, but I figured if my kids have to be living in this hell on earth, I'm not leaving them to the wolves. be theres for your precious kids, be the kind of mom your mom was to you. I 'm sure thats what she would have wanted and didnt mean to leave you alone. when those little whispers come back in your head, think of your mother telling you to stay and love your kids like she loves you.

Georgia.

[rita-grammy]

preciousangel:
Georgia is right and I think all of us at sometime posted that we felt so alone. There is that time when people do move on and they just don't know what to say to us or deal with our grief and as I soon found out not everyone deals with loss the same way. One thing losing my daughter has taught me I will do for my grandson the things I was maybe to busy or to stressed to do with or for my daughter I will now think twice before I tell my grandson not today maybe tomorrow. For we never know tomorrow may never come. As a grandmother and a mother I do know your Mom wants nothing but happiness for you and it sounds as though she tried to show you in every way she could. She would want all of the best for you and your children.
I wish you Peace
Rita

[kevinjj]

That kind of treatment is hard to understand and even harder to deal with. I don't have any advice for you regarding your Dad's girlfriend. I have encountered very very little of that. Shortly after my wife died, I was with some colleagues and one asked me how I was doing and I responded that I was tired alot of the time and he asked me why I was so tired and I responded " I'm not sure, do you suppose it might have something to do with my wife dying last month?" I could have said something alot worse than that but I didn't.  I work with Counselors by the way. I try to avoid people that are totally self centered which means they usually have a bit of a mean streak in them. When stuck in situations like you were in, I treat people the way they treat me, that way nothing is gained or nothing is lost on either side. I don't expect non immediate family to have much sorrow after a little while - how could they? At the same time, I don't have to regulate my words to people  as long as  my words are not hostile and I have no negative intentions towards them. About the second week back to work after Betty died, a secretary in a nice way asked me if I had a good week end. I told her in a very nice way that people who have loved ones die don't have good times for quite a while - simple fact, no unspoken intentions at all, nothing negative. We are still on very friendly terms and get along well. Grief recovery is alot of work and scary at times - you maybe should have told that friend that you really needed to talk to her and if she couldn't wait for a while to eat. That would have not bothered a real and true friend at all and she would have heard you out. She didn't sense your need to talk or she would not have said and did what she did. I think it is that simple at times.

[MommysPreciousAngel]

Kevin, you're probably right.  I have learnt that it is better to just keep everything to myself and perhaps share here.    My dad calls me and talks about his grief and even gets teary sometimes, and goes into detail about how my brother is not copying and is drinking too much - he is 21.  And then when I want to talk he does what everyone else does, goes a bit quiet and quickly changes the subject.   Out of all of us, my mom and I had the most solid relationship.  Ours was based on love, loyalty and respect.  We had a special bond, sometimes I just knew she needed me, and I would phone her, and she seemed to know when I was introuble, and she would phone me.   Everytime I tried to talk about my mom and got that uncomfortable look, or silence or a quick subject change, it felt like something shrunk inside of me.  So now I know better.   
As you probably know, I am now starting work again from 3 November, and so I will also be looking at councelling soon, because where I come from nothing is cheap!
Thank you to all of you for being there, for 'listening' and for helping.  I am sure I do not need to tell any of you how much it means and how grateful and even humble it makes me feel to be helped by people who have suffered so much themselves.
xxx Tammy

[SoLost]

I'm at about the same time period as you MommysPreciousAngel, and what I've found is that to quiet those shouts and silence the whispers, you just need to think of anyone and everything you love, and think of the joys you have. I know it is difficult to focus on those things, especially in those moments when the pain just washes over us, but if you focus hard enough, it comes through. The key for me, is to just view the positives as much as I can, because if I don't, then I start feeling nearly the same as you described.  As for no one understanding, and no one really listening, I agree with Kevin. People just don't understand sometimes, and they don't think before they speak, so the outcome is often not so great. But, I'm glad you've come here, and I wish you all the best.

[cyklus24]

Do you know what I hate the MOST I have NO ONE to say "Hey do you remember when...?" I have my father, grandmother and brother left and NO NONE wants to talk about her. My dad married someone a year or two later (Dating six months later) Grandmother has mentioned her name MAYBE 3 times in the last 15+ years and brother I was not speaking to up until a 8 months ago. HOLD on to the GOOD memories relive them every chance you get. They are all you have and the more you REMEMBER the longer they stay with you.

[Luvinmike]

Thinking of you cyklus and you are in my prayers. I am proud of you, keep talking about your Mom. I agree with you, even if others ,"Move away," some people in your life will listen and share their own stories. And I will pray for you to remain strong and healthy. Terri

[MommysPreciousAngel]

Cyklus, I know what you mean.   When I say, 'my mom used to...' or 'my mom always said...' or 'my mom taught me to...' then I get these silences and I really want to say 'did you HEAR me?  I SAID that my MOTHER...'
and then I just think 'what's the use, they dont' care anyway....but just wait till they experience it for themselves.  and then I feel guilty for thinking things like that...and so the inner fight continues...I am so tired some days, and my usually strong, positive and happy go lucky self is missing...and I miss her.  but right now I am what I am and all that I can be.  And I think that is true for all of us.  I know we do try...we still smile at people, we still do our normal things, but it's all pretend for me right now.  Some days I just want to cherish life and live for those no longer here, and enjoy the gift that was given to me, but other days I want to dare life...drive to fast, live too hard...it's complicated, isnt' it, but I guess it's normal and will eventually equalise.  Thanks for listening.
I wonder sometimes about those that read, but do not write.  About their silences.  Hope they're okay too.

[italian7234]

I can relate to your dad's lady friend. My dad started dating, by joining an online dating site just 3 months after my mom died.  She developed alzheimers at age 64 and lived with it for 5 years, and he was wonderful to her throughout her illness. She was able to be at home with him up until 2 weeks before she died. I was mad at first when he started looking for someone else so quickly...Why wasn't he grief stricken like me? I guess we all deal with losing someone in our own way. I have to accept him dating now, because I don't want to alienate him, but I do tease him about it, whenever I feel the urge. He and my mom would have been married for 47 years, and he was wonderful to her, so maybe he just can't handle being alone.
Also, I hear those whispers quite often, but something like that is not my choice, and might ruin my chance on being with her one day in Heaven. It is God's decision and time table.
The greatest thing that gives me peace is that she no longer has alzheimers. I believe that with all my heart. I know she is well now, and has her mind back and is happy and beautiful and loved.

Thanks for listening.