Author Topic: So Many Deaths  (Read 6496 times)

Annette

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So Many Deaths
« on: October 12, 2008, 02:26:38 PM »
The infant daughter of a very good friend of mine died this morning. Her mother woke up at 7:30 and went to her baby's crib where she was still, and under the blanket. She had died. My heart is so broken.  As of course is the baby's mother's heart.

My DH is best friends with Jen's husband. I've become very good friends with Jen. John and I helped them move across country to South Carolina last May while Jen was very pregnant. She had her baby in June. Now, she's in heaven.

Her Husband is a Captain in the Air Force and in Iraq. He won't even be in Baghdad for another few hours, then he'll have to go to Kuwait to get a flight back to the states. She's in so much distress. I'm at a loss on how to help her. I don't know how long the military will let her husband stay with her. Does anyone know?

Since my son, Michael, died just past a year ago in May, my first cousin's son has died, a nephew died a month ago, and now my good friend's baby died last night. I'm feeling like death is everywhere and it's so scary. I had heard of children dying in the past of course, but they weren't relatives and kids I knew well.... until now.

How can I help this first time mother of a  3 1/2 month old girl? She's staying with her parents in another state right now. I just told her how sorry I was and she cried and cried and she said how sorry she was about my son too.  I had Michael his whole childhood, I can't imagine the pain of a mom losing her lovely, little baby and knowing she'll never see her grow up. Too hard to comprehend, even for me who is still grieving. I understand the pain, yet feel inadequate to help from afar. Any ideas? I really want to make a difference.
Michael's Mom
12-13-82 - 5-14-07

Trevor & Michael 2004 Age3

Dena

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Re: So Many Deaths
« Reply #1 on: October 12, 2008, 06:44:27 PM »
I think she understands.  We all know that most important thing is to hear our child's name and to be able to talk about our child and know that we are listened to.

In time, she will appreciate this so much more.  Right now, the grief is too new - too raw. Just let her know that you are there and when she needs you - she has someone to talk to.

I know across the country - they do A Walk to Remember in memory perinatal loss-  including SIDS.  You might want to do that next year.

Love,
Dena, Josh's Mom

MelissaCharliesMom

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Re: So Many Deaths
« Reply #2 on: October 12, 2008, 07:18:07 PM »
Oh do I know how you feel right now. One of my sisters best friends(the Mom) and her boyfriend who was a good friend of ours lost a baby not long ago. Her entire pregnancy was normal she had one ultrasound and they thought all was fine. When Conor was born they realized he had no lungs, they had never formed. He lived for seconds after birth. The service and burial were private. They asked me to attend and when I got to the cemetery I realozed they were burying Conor in the rown next to our Charlie. What a hard day that was to watch our friend carry the tiny casekt that held his sons body to its final resting place.
I didnt know what to say then and I dont know what to say now. All I could say through sobbing tears as we held onto each other for dear life was..."I am here, I understand and I am so very sorry." In the months that have followed I have emailed them and we keep in touch often. Conors Mom is so happy when i send her a thinking of you email on his bday or when I sent her a long letter regarding Moms of angels for Mothers Day since so many people (according to her)dont think she is a Mom since her son is gone.
Just know I am keeping you close in thought. let your friend know you are there when she is ready...its all we can do.

Debh

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Re: So Many Deaths
« Reply #3 on: October 12, 2008, 07:27:53 PM »
I am sorry to read about another death. Its all so hard no matter what side your on now when it comes to a loss of a child be it your own or another cause it brings it all back and you feel so helpless and heartbroken for the new parent. I am at loss for words at times like these, I am there for the other person.

Thinking of you and your family and friends.

Love Deb

Karen Paul

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Re: So Many Deaths
« Reply #4 on: October 13, 2008, 06:07:13 AM »
Oh Annette I'm so sorry to hear about your friend's baby! There are really never enough words.. or the right words at times like this.. I think as others here say just being there for her is all you can do.. remembering important dates.. saying her child's name to her.. things that you like other people to do for you..

It is so hard when you are far away though, isn't it?...

hugs, Karen


Annette

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Re: So Many Deaths
« Reply #5 on: October 13, 2008, 07:27:57 PM »
Yes, it's so hard, and I knew everyone here would understand. It's a safe place to come and let out feelings and wonderings about all of this. Thank you, all of you, whether you responded or not, or just read about it, I appreciate your being here.
Michael's Mom
12-13-82 - 5-14-07

Trevor & Michael 2004 Age3

tsoley

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Re: So Many Deaths
« Reply #6 on: October 17, 2008, 06:51:20 PM »
I, like you, have had many deaths over the past 15 months. My son was first, then it started with the children of some of my friends, then sister in law.......just too much to bear. I am so sorry for all the pain and agony you and your friend are going through. You will both be in my thoughts and prayers.
Tammy (Jordan's Mom)

charlesafather

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Re: So Many Deaths
« Reply #7 on: October 22, 2008, 05:51:24 PM »
Annette; at this point i beleive no words will bring comfort, just show you care and let her know she can call on you. i know it has only been a little over a year since our Chad has been gon ( keep getting little signs though) but i had all but closed off everyone then Jesus opend my eyes. i called a good friend and cryed my eyes out he never said a word until i had finished , as my situation i was worried my son had not been saved,i know now that he was though but my friend told me that it does not take years to be saved, it can happen in an instant.
i will say my prayers tonight and also rembember this lady and her husband.
                                     prayers to all

momma to 2+ an angel

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Re: So Many Deaths
« Reply #8 on: October 27, 2008, 08:21:30 PM »
Honestly - I have found that since my son was born/died, nobody calls me anymore.  Nobody has dropped by - Nobody knows what to say... Saying nothing but being there, helps - I don't know how close you are, but if you can go to her house and just wash her dishes, help sort her laundry, motivate her to take a bath and pull the curtain so you can still talk with her... These are all the things I wish somebody would do for me. 

I just feel so alone because nobody knows what to say when it is a baby - There aren't fixed memories like bday parties, Xmas's that were fun, everything is so fresh but by God those babies leave such lasting impressions on us because they are Us.

We had expectations, kindergarten, first loves and now we have nothing.  Maybe write her a letter and drop it in the mail - I am just thinking of all the things I wish I had somebody to do for me but even my husband has had enough of me crying over my son.  I do not have much support and just hope your friend can get through this with people. 

It is a very isolating thing and if she is anything like me, she is going to be very hard on herself.  I sincerely do pray for everybody here and thank you for reading this post.
I am the proud mom to my 2 beautiful kidlets and my 3rd child grew his wings on Sept 28.  Nothing has been the same since.  Jenn

Dottie (Tammie's Mom)

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Re: So Many Deaths
« Reply #9 on: November 02, 2008, 03:29:09 PM »
So sorry. It breaks my heart for all the babies and children and young adults that leave us too soon.

Hugs,
Dottie Tammie's Mom

Adams Brokenhearted Mama

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Re: So Many Deaths
« Reply #10 on: November 30, 2008, 06:54:02 PM »
My husband's brother and wife lost their 2nd child, a 22-month old daughter to what they termed then as Sudden Infant Death Syndrome in the 70's. Carriayne Alice was an angelic beautiful healthy looking blonde, blue eyed chubby toddler that in our wildest dreams never dreamed that some sort of chaos was lurking in her neurological system. My sister-in-law had told me that she resented when people would tell her to have another baby as if a new baby could replace "Annie". My father, who lost his 2nd child, a son, at the age of 7 to an aggressive strain of leukemia had wished that my Mom would have consented to another child. My father told me that he didn't feel another baby was to "replace" Victor but to add joy to a heartbroken home. Maybe you can be there for this young woman when caring people say things to her that she finds hurtful. Please let her know about Hospice free counseling services., TCF groups and finding a breavement counseleor.
XO Love to all my sisters & brothers-in-grief XO
Wishing you all peaceful moments, signs from your Angels & many blessings

John-Danielle Marie's Daddy

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Re: So Many Deaths
« Reply #11 on: December 01, 2008, 06:12:04 AM »
Annette,
I am so very sorry...with tear filled eyes, I am praying for this "broken family.

John-Daddy of Angel
Danielle Marie Plourde
1/4/1995 -2/20/2006
Memorial Website: http://danielle-marie-plourde.memory-of.com/
Wishing You All Continuous Comfort & Peace,
John-Danielle Marie’s Daddy
1/4/95-2/20/06 (head trauma-motor vehicle accident)
“Her friendship was an inspiration, her love a blessing”