Author Topic: A Dan-less life  (Read 4702 times)


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A Dan-less life
« on: July 15, 2008, 11:47:21 PM »

I had a wonderful, funny, talented, pain-in-the-arse of a brother.  He died this past Saturday morning at the age of 42.  He was visiting friends for the weekend, and died suddenly...we still do not know why, and we won't have a complete autopsy report 6 - 8 weeks from now.

Today will be his funeral.  In less than twelve hours, I will have to say goodbye to him one last time, and I just don't know how I can.  Dan was born a mere 16 months after I was, so I have no memory of a life without him.  And I can't picture it now.

I'm trying like anything to be strong for my parents, as they are as devastated as one might expect.  I'm trying to be strong for my son Joseph as well.  He and Dan were very close, and Joseph is taking this hard.  Through all of this, I am struggling to keep my own head together, and I am really afraid that I won't be able to do it today.  I've slept only 8 hours and 45 minutes since Saturday, I've been running around trying to get ready for this funeral, I'm exhausted and heart sick and I'm barely hanging on.  I'm angry, I'm sad, I'm terribly frustrated. 

Everyone is asking me how my parents are doing, how is Joseph taking it, and is there anything they can do... and the only thing I want to say is "Hey, I lost my brother, I've lost someone too, does that matter to anyone?  Why don't you ask how I'm doing?  Because in truth, I'm not doing well at all!  You want to do something?  Bring me my brother back.  That is the only thing in this world that I want.  Just my brother."

This kills me... he's the younger one, he isn't the one who is supposed to be gone.  He's supposed to be here!!! 

We were always told that we needed to be nice to each other, to get along, and to love each other, because one day Mom and Dad will be gone and we will need each other.  It's supposed to be Me and Dan against the world.  I know that my parents never, ever in a million years would dream of one of us dying before they do, but now that it's happened, I feel kind of betrayed, lied to.  I know it's wrong, but it's how I feel. 

I'm angry at... oh, I don't even know.  Everyone.  Everything.  I'm angry that my husband didn't wake me when my Mom called (as if I could have changed things).  I'm angry everytime my Mom tells someone about Dan, but won't let my Dad have a word in edgewise, and it really gets to me when she says "My Son"...the look on my Dad's face breaks my heart.  My Dad and my brother were very close.  Danny looked so much like my Dad it was scary.  But somehow, this has become the Mom show.  Planning the funeral?  Yep, it was "Mom wants this and this and this" and the heck with me and Dad.  I did tell her (very gently) that she wasn't the only member of this family, and that planning should center around what Dan liked, not what she wanted.  She finally conceded without too much fuss, but still, it is really getting my blood up.

Don't get me wrong, I love my Mom, we go places and do things together and get along well, but she has had a history of driving us all bonkers.  It was ok, though, because Dan and I could complain to each other anytime, any day, and then get over it.  Who do I sound off to now?

Who will understand how I grew up?
Who can I say "Do you remember when we (insert awful child like deed here) and Mom and Dad grounded us until we're 50?"
Who else will say "Smi-i-i-i-le" or "Be brave, little soldier" or "Now Kath, pull yourself together"?
Who will understand Beegadee and Leetle-ee, Pocus adda Pocus, Quackqueen, or Ah, Hot Fries!?

I don't think I've ever felt more alone in my whole life.  How do you say goodbye to the one person who is bound so closely to your heart, that their very act of leaving rips it asunder?

God, please help me, because I'm lost and I'm scared and I miss my baby brother, and I want you to take good care of him and I'm so very afraid to say goodbye...

Thanks for letting me vent, hasn't been the first time and won't be the last.  I just hope that I don't lose my mind.  I've lost my Danny-Boom, and that's more than I can take right now.



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Re: A Dan-less life
« Reply #1 on: July 16, 2008, 05:59:48 AM »
I hope you print your post that I am replying to as it is a tribute to your brother. You could read it- or ask someone today or someday as a beautiful example of the bond you will always share. You'll be okay because you can think like him,  he can listen to you still and you know him so well you can imagine his answers. Prayers, get water, fruit, rest. Peace Terri


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Re: A Dan-less life
« Reply #2 on: July 16, 2008, 06:01:56 AM »
Kae I am so sorry for your loss. Anger, bitterness and just all around rage at something you will never be able to change. It is quite normal. Do not let anyone tell you otherwise and don't let anyone tell you to get over it. You loved your brother more than anyone else will know because love is a very personal feeling. Talk to those around you about him, the good times and even bad times. You'll be surprised how many laughs my family got talking about some of the bad times. You'll have days where you feel like you can't breathe and then have days where you feel at peace with the world. It's a horrible experience to lose a brother or a sister that you were so close to, but the sad truth it, they'll never come back and there is not a damned thing you can do about it, except cherish their memories and make sure others know about them. I tell people I have met since my brother died about him. Not because I want sympathy ,but because in my mind, they are missing out on never knowing him. It is good healing for me and to be honest, I don't care if they really care or not.
 Not to sound cliche, but hang in there. It doesn't get easier, you just learn have to learn how to adjust your life around the void that he made when he left you all. And be patient with your mother ,even if she is a pain in your butt. She may not know the pain you suffer, but you may not fully appreciate her pain as well because of your own grief. God be with you and your family through this sad time.