what would you do?

[patty]

Years ago there was a couple that were our friends. The fellow was highly competetive though, he had been a SOMEBODY but was retired and obviously missed being the center of attention.  My husband was very good at what he did and secure and it used to make me mad that this guy was sometimes obnoxious and would bully him.  My husband wasnīt bothered by it but then he never let on about anything.  He could
     Later when we went into business and opened a shopthese so called friends REALLY caused us some heartache and problems when they visited here.  They hurt us so bad I really didnīt consider them friends anymore. 
     Our mutual friends never knew about it (we were a very mobile group) so they used to always send me news about the couple. 
     When my husband died they did not send any note to me, nothing.  There was no way they didnīt hear about it.
     Today I received notice from the fellow by e-mail that his wife has passed.  I had never received any e-mail or regular from them ever.  Havenīt seen them for well over 10 years.   Maybe one of their friends helped him with his computer and put me on the mailing list. 
     I know we are supposed to forgive and forget.  I know how miserably lonely he is going to be now.   But I donīt want to feel like a hypocrite.
     Should I respond?  What would you do?  Patty
     

[georgiapeaches]

If you really havent spoken to them in a long time I would say a prayer for his wife to rest in peace and leave it alone. if you mail something to him you might open old wounds, I really dont know actually, hope it helped.

[ladybug13]

Hi Patty,

  I know this must be tough for you, when people hurt us and especially our loved ones it is so hard to forgive. I think of what my Mom used to always tell me "do for others what you wish would have been done for you." So I would maybe just send a card to express your condolences. You can't be responsible for others actions but you can for yours. I think your husband would want you to, forgiving is a such a release. I of course say this not being in the situation, so I wish you the best in this difficult choice!! Jacque

[Autumn Leaves]

You could always reply to his e-mail that you're sorry to hear of her death and leave it as that - just as you would reply to a customer or any acquaintance of yours. Don't mention your husband or any history.

My late husband and I had many friends who never bothered contacting me after his death. There were also many people I'd never expected to hear from who sent me condolence cards. A few also took time to keep in touch with me and periodically call or e-mail (they live out of state) to see how I'm doing. Some people just don't know how to deal with someone who has lost a spouse - like they're afraid it's contageous.

[Irene]

Hi Patty,
   I don't think that you need to forgive and forget. I think it sounds like your heart is tugging you one way(compassion) and your mind is pulling you in another(being hurt or burned again).
   Sending an e-mail response or maybe better yet a card, does not necessarily open up old wounds, but can just show that you empathize with another human being for his loss.
   What matters here is how you feel. If you are going to toss and turn about doing the right thing, then I would send the card. If you think that contacting the man by card or e-mail is going to end up causing you more pain, then I would let it go.
  I don't think that either choice would indicate that you are a hypocrite. I'm sure that either way, you are a very caring person.

[Geraldine]

Patty,
We can forgive but we cannot forget, however I think that deep in your heart you want to help, you want to give the gift of compassion, I know I would.
It is a very perdonal thing of course, however sometimes things change, people who did not understand what you were going through do when they find themselves in the same situation.

I cannot tell you what to do as you know these people and I do not, I know that I would reach him, you have nothing to lose you may even gain some friends now that things are different and in any case you will feel good for doing so.

[Landons Mom Shelly]

Hi Patty,

I agree with what most everyone's already told you . . . you know in your heart what you "want" to do, it's just so hard since you feel so much hurt inside for what was never shown to you.  I think if you sent an email or card, you would know that you're doing what you feel is right and I think it would make you feel better inside and so would he.  I've tried to do the same with my ex, even though it's been EXTREMELY difficult at times after all he's put me & my kids through, but I can honestly say at the end of the day, I am so proud to be my kids' and especially . . . as I always sign off . . .

Landon's Mom forever !

Shelly

[patty]

Thanks to everybody for the input.  I found a appropriate illustration on google images and added a few words and just sent it by e-mail.  Patty  Thanks for the nudge.

[lostwithouthim]

It sounds like you have a compassionate heart. I would probably send him an e-mail telling him I was sorry to hear about his wife's passing . Then afterward I might and probably would block his email address from mine. That way I would know I had been kind when it mattered the most and kept it at that. No opening old wounds.

[charlesafather]

I think I would just send a nice card.

[patty]

Thanks for the input.  Like I said, I found an approprite illustration in google images and added a few words.  I did not get a response but thatīs OK.  I do feel better that I did my part.
    I live overseas so sending regular mail is a problem, thank goodness for e-mail!