How do I explain the pain... My brother, Kevin, died about a month ago. He was only 32. Kevin was killed by his next door neighbor. I was there when Kevin died. My last words to him--"come in the house!" His last words to me--"Get down!" Probably sounds like a gangster movie, but my brother was no gangster. He was a gentle, kind, and loving person who was struggling financially so he was forced to move into a less than desirable neighborhood. He kept to himself, went to work everyday, wrote poetry, and used the living space in his small studio apartment as an office. He loved writing poetry, reading nonfiction books, and seizing opportunities for personal growth. He was such a winner! He'd just gotten his business license and paid an artist to create graphics to promote his idea...he was a health and fitness fanatic who dreamed of starting an line of organic products. Wow! I am so devastated. Young and gone! He was my best friend. With him, the absence of my father didn't bother me, having a boyfriend was no big deal..he was my everything and now I feel as if I cannot live without him. I need him to tell me what to do...how does he want me to handle his death. I pray for him to return...to talk to me. I feel as if I am living a bad dream. I hear his voice, such a beautiful voice. It hurts badly. I don't think I can get over it. The guy who killed him was his neighbor. He was very kind to this man and he still killed him. I saw my brother on the floor of his apartment. He was dying, but I didn't know it. I thought I'd escort him to the hospital, but he was dead. I don't want to keep crying, but I don't know how to stop the pain. My faith is low. Really, it barely exists. All of my plans included him. He was going to escort me down the aisle. Not my daddy, but my brother because he was so important and special. He made me feel so loved, especially when we were roommates. He even sent flowers to my job and purchased breakfast for my students. I'm hurting. Someone pinch me and tell me that I will wake to a new reality. This couldn't be real. I can't take it. We were together nearly everyday. What do I do? Nobody seems to really understand my pain. I am dying inside and people ask if I am ok...how the hell can I be okay when the man I love is dead...dead...gone...never to be seen again and you are asking me if I am okay..I don't think I will ever be okay. I feel guilty for living without him. I don't want to remember but I am afraid to forget...does forgetting mean I don't love him. I just wish there was a way for me to communicate with him. I have so much to tell him...he died with a broken heart because he though his daddy didn't care about him which is another story and today I talked to his daddy and it was simply a matter of miscommunication. I need to tell him. He would tell me that what we don't get right in this life time we have to make up for it in the next...well, baby you will be blessed because you were almost perfect. So, if his belief is accurate, maybe I can find comfort in knowing that he's okay but I need him to tell me...I need to know if what we talked about was true...like about spirits...e had so many in depth conversations about death and life...we were so close...like Ican't explain. Why? Why did he have to go...I don't want to hear that stuff about God knows best...I want something rational...was there anything I could have done...I should have followed my first mind that day but I didn't and poor choices lead to his death. I miss him. I miss him but there is nothing I can do but cry. I could promote his dreams and keep them alive but he's not here to enjoy it so what's the big darn deal. I need him so badly. It's like breathing with no air--like the Jordan Sparks's song. Maybe someone can help me, but if you're just going to tell me the typical stuff, I don't want to hear it