Author Topic: 2 months since my brother has been gone  (Read 13476 times)

Kevins Sister

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 14
    • View Profile
2 months since my brother has been gone
« on: July 02, 2008, 01:21:54 PM »
Well it is 2 months today that my brother Kev has been gone and it seem slike it has been forever. I miss him so much. Everyday I wake up and say to myself, I can't believe he's gone. I just can't believe it. I keep thinking any minute now I am going to wake up and this is going to be a bad dream but everyday I wake up and have to try to get through the day. I at least now can wait till I get home from work to cry instead of going into the bathroom. Oh, god I just miss him so much. And my mother just keeps thinking she can't believe that her son is no longer of this earth.July 4th is coming up and we always have a big famliy barbq an dhe won't be there. He was so looking forward to the summer. He had come from Florida, after living there for so long, and was really down because of the winter. But summer was finally coming and we would have barbqed all the time and now we are not complete. I miss him so much.

lostwithouthim

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • Posts: 97
    • View Profile
Re: 2 months since my brother has been gone
« Reply #1 on: July 02, 2008, 03:50:59 PM »
I know the loss you are feeling. Mine has eased up quite a bit. It seems so weird to have a big brother all of your life and then he is gone.

My brother was paralyzed the last 4 years of his life , so he spent most of the last 4 years of his life in a bed.

What really helped to ease my grief and missing him was a dream I had about him 2 nights in a row.
The first dream was I had a picture of my brother standing a field of tall grass. With a windmill off to his left in the background. That was all of that dream.Nothing more nothing less.
The next night I dreamed. I had a box like the one I had gave him for Christmas the previous Christmas. ( He told me that was his favorite Christmas present he had received. He said it was one he could really use.) Only the box I got in my dream was a copper color , without the Ivy Leaves for decoration. I looked at the box and thought about what Johnny had told me and I then I opened it. In the box was a picture of my brother. He was standing in front of or in the vast clear blue sky. The picture had a clear material wrapped around it that made my brother look like he had wings. I looked at the picture and said out loud. ' Is that it?' and as clear as day in my mind. I heard my brother say ' I am standing.' That was it I woke up. I already knew in my heart my brother was in Heaven, He had told me two many times that , he was at peace with dying and was ready to go. Those dreams just confirmed it for me.
Right after he died, especially right around in the first 2 months. I just wanted to hear his voice again and see him. So bad it was almost maddening to me.

lostwithouthim

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • Posts: 97
    • View Profile
Re: 2 months since my brother has been gone
« Reply #2 on: July 02, 2008, 04:01:57 PM »
I am sorry I accidentally ended that message to soon. As I was saying I wanted to hear his voice and see him, talk to him so bad. It was almost more then I could stand. I know a lot people don't pray but I do. That is one thing my brother taught me or showed me by example in his own life. God hears us and He IS REAL .
My brother always said we may not understand why some things happen to us in this life. But God is Real just as sure as I took a breath a second ago. He's real.

So I started praying God just give me some kind of comfort with this. I miss him so much. You can do anything Just give me some peace and comfort with this.

That is what I got. No I didn't dream that as soon as I prayed that prayer or even the next night.

My brother's 39 th birthday is this month July 24 to be exact. This will be our first without him. This is our first fourth of July without him.

I  hope and wish you peace and comfort . 

Luvinmike

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 876
    • View Profile
Re: 2 months since my brother has been gone
« Reply #3 on: July 02, 2008, 06:00:21 PM »
Thinking of you at this hard time. I have not experienced the death of a sibling, but, the mere thought brings me to my knees. My sister-in-law is so broken up as she lost her brother when i lost my husband. Both of his sisters are crushed by this. Mike was the next to youngest of six. A great fun-loving bunch. He loved his sisters and brothers more than anyone else in the world, and i know it. Your brothers loved you. Good thoughts go out to you now. Terri

Kevins Sister

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 14
    • View Profile
Re: 2 months since my brother has been gone
« Reply #4 on: July 03, 2008, 11:24:46 AM »
Thank you lostwithouthim and luvin mike.
I pray every night before I go to bed, Kev, please let me dream of you. It just seems like forever since I have heard his voice, when it has only been two months. But it never happens. I am sure when you want something so bad to happen it doesn't happen and I just have to be patient but it is so hard. I just miss him so much. I can't make it through the day without thinking about him all the time. I feel like my heart, and mind and soul just hurt all the time. We were a family of 5 now only four and we are having a 4th of July party and it will feel so empty without him there. He loved when we had barbq's those were his favirote times when he could spend time with his family on a warm sunny day barbqing all afternoon laughing with his family and being with us and now we will never be complete again. We will always have something missing. And sometimes the pain of it does bring me to my knees, I will be sitting there and all of a sudden I just can't move. I can't breathe. My mom is wondering when the grief will lift enough for her to beable to breathe. My sister and I were so desperate for anything we can learn about him that we went to a physic just to see if she could tell us anything. She was really good and said that we just lost someone, he is not here with but he is with you, he is your gardian angel and I thought oh maybe this will make me fell better. But it didn't. Nothing does. I just can't believe taht he is gone. We are such a close family, we were all each other had when my dad left. My mom. my 3 brother's and my sister. It was always us and I jsut miss him so much. Sorry about the long post.

Kevins Sister

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 14
    • View Profile
Re: 2 months since my brother has been gone
« Reply #5 on: July 03, 2008, 11:25:45 AM »
And Luvinmike I am so sorry about your husband.

jennings14

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 3
    • View Profile
Re: 2 months since my brother has been gone
« Reply #6 on: July 05, 2008, 08:11:20 PM »
I know the pain you are going thro....I lost my only brother 3 years ago in a car accident. He was the oldest of the family with me and my three younger sisters. To this day it is still so hard for me when people ask me if I have any brothers or sisters. Or if I am the oldest. Because I will say I only have three younger sisters and they will comment about how hard that must be for my dad with all girls! Its too hard for me to explain the whole story to them...but it always hurts me deep inside whenever this conversation comes up with new people I meet. Still to this day I think maybe one day he will just reappear. He was living out in California (the rest of the family was in Ohio) where he just started going to college and living with my grandparents. So we never got to see him except for summer and Christmas holliday...so whenever those times of the year come up I just think he will show back up! Even though I still miss him so much...I promise you that it does get easier. It may not seem like it...but it does...it just takes time. I grew so close to the rest of my family after the accident (which also took the life of both my grandparents so it was a real tough time for my family)...but together we suffered the pain but also grew. We will never forget my brother...or my grandparents...I keep pictures of them in my room with the last e-mail I had from my brother and grandparents printed out next to my favorite pictures of them. I also keep a picture of the three of them on my dashboard in my car. It hurts to have lost them...but I want to make sure I always remember them. I wish you and your family my condolences because I know what it feels like. If you ever need anyone to talk to...I am here!

Kevins Sister

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 14
    • View Profile
Re: 2 months since my brother has been gone
« Reply #7 on: July 07, 2008, 09:35:10 AM »
Well we had our 4th of July party, my other brother was born on the 4th so we had a littl eparty and it was so so so hard to have all the brother's and sister's there. My brother Tom, my brother steve (the birthday boy) my sister Julie and me but there was one missing. Oh god it was so hard I can't even explain it but I know that everyone on this board will understand. My mom and dad live in Florida, mom in Sarasota and Dad in Ft. lauderdale and they always call during the party (because we always have one) to takl to Steve. Usually Kev would call too, because he also lived in Florida but he was here for the last year, which I have to thank god for every day that he brought him back here for the year before he died. Well I was sitting on the porch in the back yard and Tommy, my brother, called out to steve and said you have someone on the phone and he says "who is it?" I say oh it's probably dad, or , mom, or........  i almost said Kev it almost slipped out. And of course then I couldn't stop thinking about it. I went to bed last night and closed my eyes and imagined the party but with Kev there. I played it all out in my head. I was cooking at the stove and in walks my sister Julie and her kids and we hug and say hi, then walks in my brother Tom, his girlfriend and my brother Kev. I imagined him walking up to me and saying Heeey! What's going on? Then I had to stop because it felt like my chest was going to explode there was so much pressure there. I just wanted to thank you all for listening to me, I feel like besides my sister and 2 other brother's that here is the only place where people understand where I am coming from. I miss him so much and still think, how could you be gone Kev. How am I supposed to process in my head that I will never see you again.

nitcheyj

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 2
    • View Profile
Re: 2 months since my brother has been gone
« Reply #8 on: July 10, 2008, 01:35:29 PM »
I am feeling your pain, I truely am.  Seven weeks ago tonight I lost my brother who was 11 months your than me (we would have both been 31 for one month).  He was living across the road from me, worked two miles down the road and he was killed on his 4 wheeler in between work and his house.  It has been a nightmare.  My parents and I were called to the seen that night and witnessed the most horrible thing imaginable.  The thought of never seeing him again, hearing his voice or seeing him do things in his yard while I look out my living room window, physically brings me to my knees.  The pain in my heart/chest is unbearable at moments.  I'm angry that he has been taken, that my dad has lost his only son.  I'm angry that my 3 boys won't grow to know their uncle.  I'm angry that I didn't get to say goodbye.  If I could have one more minute with him, I'd tell him so much.  I'm trying to find peace in what happened but it's very hard.  Seems like everyone has moved on and my family is left stuck with broken hearts.

Kevins Sister

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 14
    • View Profile
Re: 2 months since my brother has been gone
« Reply #9 on: July 15, 2008, 08:23:46 AM »
I have that same feeling. Sometimes I wonder if people are tired of hearing me talk about him. And my brother Tom who my brother Kevin was living with found Kev and I know he is suffering so much because everytime he closes his eyes he sees him like that and that is so hard so I will have to say I am glad I didn't get to see him until the service but I also have a 2 year old son and am so sad that he only way he will ever know Kev is thorug memories and talking about him. Kev loved to play with my son and it does make me so angry taht sometimes I just want to break something and I also thought that if I had one more minute but then I think to myself will that ever be enough because I will want another minute and then another.

lostwithouthim

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • Posts: 97
    • View Profile
Re: 2 months since my brother has been gone
« Reply #10 on: July 16, 2008, 10:23:41 AM »
nitcheyj, I am so sorry that you and your parents had to see your brother like that. No parent should eve have to see their child like that. Because no matter how much time passes. You never ever forget and if you have , this has been my experience, it will come back to you. I had a wreck in Oct of  last year. It was a very bad wreck in which both of my children were airlifted out. For a long time I couldn't remember seeing or holding my 2 year old son  or getting him out of my car. But bam  I go to sleep one night and there it was and the big gash on his head. Wide enough apart and deep enough a man with big hands could have easily laid his finger in it. I remember seeing my oldest son's brain. These are memories I so wish I didn't have. But I don't guess anything stays buried forever. I was one of the lucky ones.My children lived. My brother pulled me through it. ' Sis , you can't fall apart now......... '
My brother's birthday is July 24, he would have been 39 years old. The backside of 40, how I would have loved to have gotten to tease him about that.

cantundrstnd

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 14
    • View Profile
Re: 2 months since my brother has been gone
« Reply #11 on: July 29, 2008, 12:07:24 AM »
I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my brother, older by 17 months, and it's so hard to think of all the things that he will miss, and I will miss him for. There's nothing like the protection of a big brother, and nothing like the hole it leaves in your life and heart. I am sorry that my message isn't cheery and inspirational, I just wanted to let you know that I understand your pain, and am wishing for a way for us all to find the peace that we must trust our brothers are now in..

KevinsSister2

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 2
    • View Profile
Re: 2 months since my brother has been gone
« Reply #12 on: September 25, 2008, 06:27:41 PM »
How do I explain the pain... My brother, Kevin, died about a month ago. He was only 32. Kevin was killed by his next door neighbor. I was there when Kevin died. My last words to him--"come in the house!" His last words to me--"Get down!" Probably sounds like a gangster movie, but my brother was no gangster. He was a gentle, kind, and loving person who was struggling financially so he was forced to move into a less than desirable neighborhood. He kept to himself, went to work everyday, wrote poetry, and used the living space in his small studio apartment as an office. He loved writing poetry, reading nonfiction books, and seizing opportunities for personal growth. He was such a winner! He'd just gotten his business license and paid an artist to create graphics to promote his idea...he was a health and fitness fanatic who dreamed of starting an line of organic products. Wow! I am so devastated. Young and gone! He was my best friend. With him, the absence of my father didn't bother me, having a boyfriend was no big deal..he was my everything and now I feel as if I cannot live without him. I need him to tell me what to do...how does he want me to handle his death. I pray for him to return...to talk to me. I feel as if I am living a bad dream. I hear his voice, such a beautiful voice.  It hurts badly. I don't think I can get over it. The guy who killed him was his neighbor. He was very kind to this man and he still killed him. I saw my brother on the floor of his apartment. He was dying, but I didn't know it. I thought I'd escort him to the hospital, but he was dead. I don't want to keep crying, but I don't know how to stop the pain. My faith is low. Really, it barely exists. All of my plans included him. He was going to escort me down the aisle. Not my daddy, but my brother because he was so important and special. He made me feel so loved, especially when we were roommates. He even sent flowers to my job and purchased breakfast for my students. I'm hurting. Someone pinch me and tell me that I will wake to a new reality. This couldn't be real. I can't take it. We were together nearly everyday. What do I do? Nobody seems to really understand my pain. I am dying inside and people ask if I am ok...how the hell can I be okay when the man I love is dead...dead...gone...never to be seen again and you are asking me if I am okay..I don't think I will ever be okay. I feel guilty for living without him. I don't want to remember but I am afraid to forget...does forgetting mean I don't love him. I just wish there was a way for me to communicate with him. I have so much to tell him...he died with a broken heart because he though his daddy didn't care about him which is another story and today I talked to his daddy and it was simply a matter of miscommunication. I need to tell him. He would tell me that what we don't get right in this life time we have to make up for it in the next...well, baby you will be blessed because you were almost perfect. So, if his belief is accurate, maybe I can find comfort in knowing that he's okay but I need him to tell me...I need to know if what we talked about was true...like about spirits...e had so many in depth conversations about death and life...we were so close...like Ican't explain. Why? Why did he have to go...I don't want to hear that stuff about God knows best...I want something rational...was there anything I could have done...I should have followed my first mind that day but I didn't and poor choices lead to his death. I miss him. I miss him but there is nothing I can do but cry. I could promote his dreams and keep them alive but he's not here to enjoy it so what's the big darn deal. I need him so badly. It's like breathing with no air--like the Jordan Sparks's song. Maybe someone can help me, but if you're just going to tell me the typical stuff, I don't want to hear it