How Do I Deal With All This??

[lostwithouthim]

In October 07. I had a very bad car wreck. Both of my children were airlifted out. My oldest son had to have part of his brain removed. He wasn't expected to live. He did, he is a different person now. I love him just as much. My youngest son was only 2 at the time. As I said both boys were airlifted out. I saw my children at the wreck. I went into shock. The police questioned me about the wreck while in shock. They believed the boy who hit me. ( small town politics ok) I have heard it is against the law to question a person in shock. ( yes , I have a lawyer) Even in shock I went to my kids. I got my baby out of the car and was holding him. I was trying to comfort my oldest. I don't remember holding my baby or sitting by the road screaming, crying and rocking him. I remember seeing my oldest and the  gash on his head and something protruding out of it. I had no idea it was his brain. Now I do and I do remember that.

I do not understand why I went into shock. I was told by a therapist it was my brain's way of preserving my sanity.  I feel like I abandoned my children when they needed me the most. At least thats the way my parents made me feel. My parent's make me feel like it was my fault the wreck happened. They said if I had walked to their home instead of drove it wouldn't have happened. They know the boy that hit me was speeding and on my side of the road. Still yet if I had of walked and not drove. My boys would not have the scars they have. My oldest would not have had to have part of his brain removed.

My big brother is the one constant pillar of strength and support , I had during that time. My brother was always there for me. No matter what life handed me . My brother was there for me. He never judged me.

Everyone thinks my car wreck should not still be affecting my life. Even though my oldest child had to have part of his brain removed. No one understands what Post Traumatic Stress Disorder ( I was diagnosed with it) is or maybe they do and just don't think its legit. I have a lot of anger and thats just one of the many emotions I have concerning that wreck and it handling.

My brother like I said was my strength and support. He never labeled me or judged me.

In Feb. of this year he died. Now I don't know how to deal with that. I don't have anyone to help me to deal with it. I wasn't his mom,his wife or child. So it seems like no one feels like I should feel the loss I do. Believe me I feel a loss. I should be able to pick up the phone and call him.

I still have all these feelings and anger. Concerning the wreck. I still have the nightmares. I can do certain things or be in a vehicle in between my home and my parent's home and memories/flashbacks will hit me. I have anxiety attacks. Now I have my big brother. I really do not know how to proceed in life.
 
Is there anyone out there in this crazy world who understands what I feel?
I know P.T.S.D. is real I have it. I also KNOW MY BIG BROTHER IS GONE AND HE ISN'T COMING BACK. I am angry and hurt and no one that I know in my personal life understands why I feel like this.

 

[lostwithouthim]

Does this web site really help anyone? Its looking kind of doubtful , I just don't so very much hope for anyone in this world. 

[grainofsand]

          

Lost~

So very sorry to hear what happened to you and your children.
I am sure the recovery is long and painful, especially with your brother, your support, now gone.

It was an accident.  It wasn't your fault. You cant play the "what if" game.  I think your parents feel the way they do our of their own grief to make sense of it all. You cant let anyone guilt you into thinking that this was avoidable.  It was an accident.  You didn't want this to happen, and didn't choose to have this happen.

Of course you are angry.  None of us wants to go through the grieving process.  Sometimes when we have to go through the 7 phases of grief, and it is more like the 7 levels of Dante's HELL! 

I know PTSD is real and your life has been altered forever.  Anyone who thinks that you should not be affected any longer from this accident, is ignorant.  You cant expect them to understand when they haven't had such a traumatic experience.  Oh sure they say a few kind words, but they are not living with the daily agony.  Grief is a personal battle, and very lonely at times.  Being on the web site is a good release for bottled up emotions. Use it any way you can to help yourself.

My heart goes out to you.

[kay]

Lost:  I read your story, and it really touched my heart.  Your post is one of the reason's I decided to start posting again.  You have been through so much.  The loss of your brother on top of everything else --such a heavy blow.  Death is so, so unfair.   How can we know and love someone one day, and that person is gone the next--we can't see them, touch them, converse with them anymore.  I'm not OK with this.  Our only hope is that we will see them again in heaven.  I like to think of this life as a dress rehearsal.  That is the only thing that keeps me going from day to day--the hope that my family will be together again.  If we loose our hope, faith and trust in God--we have nothing of any substance left(in my opinion).  Hold on, don't let go.  Sending thoughts of love,peace and comfort to you today!

[lostwithouthim]

Thank you both for replies. I would have logged off today and not logged back in. If it had not of been for your replies. I guess I am starting to get hard as a person. I can't help it.

Kay you reminded me so much of my brother in your reply. My brother was paralyzed the last 4 years of his life. He had quit preaching before his wreck. After his wreck he became close to God and Christ again. Johnny ( my brother)
Use to tell me that God is never early, He is never late, but He is always right on time.

My brother was a very wise person. His wisdom came from his faith in God.

Grains of Sand, I could not begin to tell you how many times . I have wondered what if.....
I had waited to go to my parents just 2 minutes.
I had not went at all.
And then there is the Why. Why did it have to happen? I was just getting my life back together from my husband leaving and the beating I had took from  a boyfriend. I had started a new job and college. I lost bother when the wreck happened. My brother and his belief is what helped me to not give up and keep going. Then I lost him.

He use to say when something isn't built on solid ground but on sand it can not withstand a storm. Sometimes God has to tear it down and build everything back on stronger ground. You may not understand it but God knows what He is doing. He has a picture of what our lives should be. Sometimes its a painful process getting where God wants us to be. Stand strong endure the pain because in the end its worth it.

Now this coming from a man who was paralyzed for the last 4 years of his life. I always listened to my brother. Like I said he was very wise. I suppose when all you can do is lie in a bed and be sent from one hospital to another. You get closer to God.

I still don't understand why my brother had to suffer so much before he died. All I know is he kept the faith.
Thank You for words of kindness . I doubt either of you know how much  they meant

[nancy lea]

I wonder how am I supposed to deal with this.  You touch my heart and I want you to know it.  I too have PTSD and have had it many years.  On the way home from a drug store today all I could think was how am I supposed to be.  I don't know how to live this way.  I don't know how to live without my momma.  I'm close to 60 and feel like I know this is my body.  Granted.  But who am I?  I don't have any idea.  I don't know anything but shock.  I thank God for it.

I do know we are alive.  There will always be something we wish we could change.  No matter what  I do know God is here.  God is with us.  I told my oldest son to talk to his gramma like I do if it helped.  I called my mom almost every day.  So, why does that have to change?  I choose to talk to her a lot.  Before she left she told me "they are waiting for me" several times.  I heard her talk to family that went before her.

I am just putting one foot in front of the other at this point.  I am trying to understand why I am here.  Who I am.  On and on it goes.  It truly helps to be here.  So far noone has called me crazy.  But life now isn't the normal I once knew.  So we learn.  We talk.  And we reach for whatever reason God has chosen for us to be here.  God bless you as you walk this journey.

[kay]

Lost: Your brother was amazing--he received his strenghth and peace directly from God.  Lately, I have becme more aware of what your brother already knew--and that is we are made of soul and body.  Our souls are what God is trying to reach--b/c when we get to heaven we will have new bodies.  That is why he had so much peace.  Well, I just started thinking if we spent as much time on taking care of our spirits as we do our body, we would have a lot more peace, faith and love in our lives.  I am praying for God to not let me loose this awareness.
Nancy:  Your are so right when you say we are all here for a reason.  I pray everyday for God to let me help someone, even if it's only a kind word or smile.  There are so many hurting in this life---including us--we have to encourage and pray for one another.

[Geraldine]

I am so sorry you have been through so much grief and now again you have lost your brother, your support.
What you are feeling is real, and it is so difficult when we find ourselves so alone in our feelings, when we cannot make ourselves uinderstood, people just do not know.

One thing you must remember, the accident was not your fault, your parents cannot blame you, I think they are hurting and trying to find blame as an explanation of why it happens, deep down they know you are not guilty.

The road to recovery is just one step at a time, sometimes we think we have managed a step forwards to realise that we are back to the beginning, eventually it becomes easier to deal with our grief, we never forget however we accomodate our grief into our life, at times we will cry, but it become easier.


Try not to ask yourself too many "why" or "if" I have learned that these questions never have an answer and can destroy us even more, you have a right to be angry, to cry, to scream, it is part of grieving, it is hard not to understand why these things happen, why all of a sudden our lives are touched by grief, we feel so hopeless, so sad, so mad, all we have is hope, hope that somehow we will be able to keep going, to rebuild our lives.

I will keep you in my thoughts

[cfm]

 LOSTWITHOUTHIM, Iam so sorry for all that you have had to go through. I to am lost with out him. Him is my father. I called him all the time. I have a brother and He put me through so much when my father passed away. So I no longer talk to him or want anything to do with him or his family. So you were so lucky to have a brother that you could talk to. It was his time to go. Sorry to say that but I do believe when It's your time to go there is nothing you can do about it. As for your kids It wasn't there time to go for your son to go through so much Iam so sorry. What had happened to your kids would of happen no matter what. For your parents to blame you shame on them. Because what we go through in life is for a reason. What I really don't know. I know you keeping asking yourself why? I know that you are mad as hell for what you have been through. Please just know that there are people out there that do care and want to make you feel better. I want to thank you for all the kinds words you said on my post. And to Please hang in there and know that I do care. cfm

[lostwithouthim]

Thank you for all of your replies. I appreciate them. Its good to know I am not crazy. Most days, I feel crazy. I am angry I don't understand why all of this happened. I have people telling me to quit feeling sorry for myself. Which only served to make me angrier then I already was. My aunt is the one who said that to me. She is suppose to be very religious.
If I were feeling sorry for myself I think could snap myself out of it. I would love to go to church but I don't. I do not like being around people the truth of the matter most people are like my aunt. I had a woman at church actually say to my 3 year old when he said he was in a wreck. " Oh you aren't over that yet?" Hearing those words just boiled me over. My baby ( the 3 year old ) has a scar that goes down and across his forehead and across his nose. His nose is still broke. Thats not counting what his brother went through and is still going through. He still has surgeries in his future. He will always for the rest of his life been under a Doctor's care because the wreck left him not only with having to have part of his brain removed but also with Diabetes Insipidus.
I don't understand why it had to happen. One minute it was all normal day the next I am standing in a hospital hearing a Dr say " Your son has 24-48 hrs to live."  My life has not been the same since nor my kids.
My brother got me through it and now he is gone. My brother always knew what to say. It didn't matter what it was, he knew what to say.
I just don't know how I will get through the rest of my life without him. He was there when I had my oldest son was born. He would of been there when my youngest was born but he was paralyzed. He was waiting for the phone call letting him know about the precious new family member. My brother has always been there for me . Now he is gone  he isn't going to be there for to share anymore of my life experiences or here to have anymore of his own.

I was very lucky to have a brother like him. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of him .

[lostingrief]

I am so very sorry for your loss. I also lost my very best friend recently and I know how hard it is to get through an already difficult life without the ONE person who made it all ok. My life is chaos from turmoils to tragedies to everyday realities but my friend was the one person who really sort of "got me" ya know? I am still trying to figure out how we get through life when we lose that special person. All I know is you are a very very strong person and an amazing parent for struggling and striving to care for your children even under the circumstances. Some people would have given up but you persevere even through the criticisms. It may sound corny but sometimes my only comfort is knowing that the person that I lost is still with me. I feel him and sometimes when I'm really really low I can almost hear him say something that would have made me laugh and feel better. Your brother is with you and if you pay attention he'll let you know it if he hasn't already. And if you figure out how to live without him any quicker than I do please give me a holler ok?

[lostwithouthim]

lost in grief - I don't know if its figuring out how to live with out him. I have come to the realization. I was very blessed and fortunate to have him as my brother and best friend. Not every one in this life are as fortunate as we are to have even have a best friend. It seems like so many people are caught up in their own life they forget to have and make good friends.

As long as we talk about  and remember them . We are keeping them alive, if only in memory.

Lately, I can almost hear my brother singing, You get a line and I'll get a pole and we'll go down to the crawdad hole, now honey, baby..............

Thats is an old country corny song. He use to sing it all the time. I wish I could hear him sing one more time.

[saba]

lostwithouthim:it s surprising that more oftn than not it is the 'supposedly religious ppl'  who r most cruel. u kno the day my Amma left us n i as lying all ovr her not lettng her b taken for her bath( i wont evr say her 'last' this thng or that thng) one of my maternal aunts who is u guessed it v. religious n God fearing n what not  rang up n said to me oh so cheerfully :"so  have u got your mother  ready  to leave  for God's place yet...?" i cant xplain how or what i felt, i just bangd th phone down wthout replying...my dear Almighty how can any1 who claims to love YOU be so cruel to her fellow beings all of  whom YOU love unconditionally???

[lostwithouthim]

Sometimes people don't think. SOMETIMES I am firmly convinced that have people have their head so far up their A_ _ that the fumes make them say insane things.

Oh honey I am so sorry that you had to lose your momma? From what you have said and how you are talking about her. I am guessing she was your best friend.

Tell me what are your best memories of her? When was she the happiest? What made her the happiest?

I think our memories of them keep them with us and gives them immortality. If we don't talk about them and tell others what wonderful people they were how will anyone else ever know why they were so special?

[lili]

OMG
I just read another of your posts, and now I understand better. I cant know how much you must love your son, and how hard it must be to see him not being who he was. Your brother - when there's only one person who truly stands up for you, and they go, it's like you are all alone in the world. Family means nothing if they don't stand by you, and love you. In fact it's worse when it is your family rejecting you - you feel like you must have done sth very wrong. You haven't. You have survived all of this. In a way we must all think of ourselves as survivors, instead of as victims. Easy to say I know. Take care