Author Topic: I have a question about therapy  (Read 5708 times)

momofwatsonx

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I have a question about therapy
« on: May 23, 2008, 09:14:23 PM »
hi every one.... once again i have a question.... I finally went to see a therapy..... as most of you know Monday the 26.... is Josh's second anniversary and I still am having a hard time handling it... my doctor switched my meds to Wellbutrin... I haven't noticed a difference,  but I know you have to give it time....

So here is my question.... I went and seen the therapy and in tears told her my story and how the morgue called to tell me Josh died in a car wreak...... this was very emotional and intense... I am truly seeking help on dealing with Josh's  death,    I still find my self at the grave-site and not realizing it I start digging holes with my hands wanting to get him out...... 

The therapist seemed nice enough, but she was very blunt, she said that I had to get over this and accept the fact that Josh was gone and was never coming back.... that I needed to stop thinking what if and blaming myself, and just say   Josh i love you and never will forget you but this is bringing me down and I need to get on with my life so I am letting you go physically......( she said then and only then could I have him in spirit)   this seems so extreme...... I don't know how someone is suppose to do this...... she said she had suffered a lot of losses in her life but she has never lost a child.

Those that has seen a therapist, is this a normal response.... and how did you go about doing this......
I do find myself setting on the outside looking in   wanting to be part of my family, but don't know how

If anyone can offer advice, please help...... as Monday gets closer the deeper I sink.

Help

virgie     JOSH'S mom



Debh

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Re: I have a question about therapy
« Reply #1 on: May 23, 2008, 09:29:51 PM »
that is exactly what I did but not because of a therapist, I can't remember if it was after the 2nd year but around then, I had been to therapy, ministers, you name it I tried it and nothing was helping me only making it worst. I didn't want to live without Chad and I was giving up many times and tried taking my life a few times, and I don't advise this for anyone it was awful time and not the way to heal. One night I was heading towards the road Chad died on and in my mind I had to go the way he went to be with him so I was speeding down the road crying my eyes out with intentions of crashing into the trees, some reason I stopped the car, sobbed and drove to the cemetary and fell to my knees, I was sobbing and yelling at Chad I can't do this anymore, this is not my fault, I can't fix it. From then on I began moving up out of the dark hole I buried myself in grief. Never have I thought of dieing since then and acceptance came.

If someone told me what you were told I would have been ticked and walked away. I do beleive the time comes when we do have to accept this and crawl out of that dark pit, like everything else I believe we have to feel and I guess ready for it, all I went through those first years helped me to be ready for acceptance and let go of alot of guilt and questions.

for me today yes I think it was good for me to do this, but is it for everyone I don't know.

I will be thinking of you this weekend and Josh,
Love
Deb

Dena

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Re: I have a question about therapy
« Reply #2 on: May 24, 2008, 01:41:11 AM »
Virgie,

My family saw a couple of different grief therapists.  2 had not experienced the death of a child.  The third one had experienced the death of a child in their immediate family.  She was the one who helped us the most.

If a therapist had ever told us we needed to "get over it", I would have walked out of there and found a therapist that I was comfortable with.  Our therapist never said anything like that.  She helped us learn to walk "with grief" and understand that our feelings weren't crazy - but normal.

You have to see a therapist you feel comfortable with.  If it is not this one - keep looking. You will find someone who can help.

Love,
Dena, Josh's Mom

tsjones

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Re: I have a question about therapy
« Reply #3 on: May 24, 2008, 04:05:30 PM »
I have been seeing a therapist for 10 months and have very positive talks and interactions with her. She has never told me to "get over it." She tells me that what I am feeling is very normal and gives me tips and ideas of different things to do to cope with my loss. I am sorry you are having a difficult time with your therapy and I hope you will find a therapist that you connect with.
Tammy (Jordan's Mom)

Donna Jasons mom

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Re: I have a question about therapy
« Reply #4 on: May 26, 2008, 05:50:09 AM »
Hi Virgie:
Well, I'm not a therapist just a mom who has lost one of her precious children but my first question in reading your post was where is the compassion.  You don't need a degree to feel compassion for someone else and although I can understand her not wanting you to stay in that dark place you just can't "Move on" or "Get over it"  I'm not sure I would feel comfortable with someone who told me those things.  This is a very individual journey and you do what you can to get through it!! 
One day, one moment, one breathe a time!!
Donna (Jason's mom)

Dottie (Tammie's Mom)

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Re: I have a question about therapy
« Reply #5 on: May 26, 2008, 05:58:54 AM »
I went to a therapist for over a year and she never said GET OVER IT or I probably would have slapped her.

She said we learn to walk with our grief and pain we never get over it, she let me talk and cry and tell how I was feeling no matter what she thought she would say all your feeling is normal, there is NO loss like the loss of a child.

It is up to you but I would try someone else.

BIG HUGS to you,
Dottie Tammie's Mom

momofwatsonx

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Re: I have a question about therapy
« Reply #6 on: May 26, 2008, 07:56:38 AM »
The therapist that i picked said he had experance with death, she told me she knew all to well the pain of loosing a child and when i got there she said had suffered great loss...her mom, dad, husband, many aunts, uncles and even a sister BUT  never a CHILD.....she said it took her 4 years to get over her husband but "she didn't have someone telling her to get over it and move on"


I won't be seeing her again because i just can't get over it and move on.... it was like ok we dealt with the death of your son now next week we will talk about something else....

virgie



MelissaCharliesMom

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Re: I have a question about therapy
« Reply #7 on: May 26, 2008, 06:17:17 PM »
We went to therapy for a few sessions after Charlies death. Ive never been a big believer in therapy per say and my nursing background causes me to know exactly what they are going to say. So I went in there expecting the words to come staright from a mental health textbook and they pretty much did.
Ive never been on meds though I did have an issue with hydrocodone and was able to stop it on my own (it just numbed the pain so easily). I havent been back to a therapist since.
Therapy, grief counseling, support groups, etc...it is all a VERY personal decision. You have to do whatever is best for you....WHATEVER it takes to get you through the day. Maybe insetad of a therapist you should seek out the help of a grief counselor...one who is specifically focused on helping you through the grief process.
I will NEVER get over the death of my son, I will NEVER move on from him or his loss. What I WILL do is go forward. Go forward... shoulders squared, gritting my teeth, head up knowing I have no other choice. Knowing that he wouldnt accept any less from his Mama and my other children deserve no less...this is what gets me through the days.
Sending strength and peace hoping you find the help you are seeking from someone who understands.

SARAH()

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Re: I have a question about therapy
« Reply #8 on: May 26, 2008, 07:45:17 PM »
I approached therapy more goal specific.  What was I trying to accomplish?  How, realistically, did I think this person could help me improve my life?  In what ways was I having a hard time dealing with my children's deaths?  I wrote them all down.  Constant flashbacks was high on the list.

The first person I saw had also lost an infant, and she was the worst, b/c she thought she already knew how I was feeling.  She had no coping mechanisms to teach, she thought she just had to listen and not participate.  It took 2 1/2 years before I was willing to try again.  The second one was more experienced in PTSD, and was less touchy-feely.  It wasn't an end-all, but he did definitely help relieve or lessen many of my symptoms.  He was also more goal oriented than the first one.  I found it much more helpful when I defined what I wanted therapy to do, and even interviewed him first, found out what treatment he was planning  If he wanted me to to do something I thought was dumb, I told him "no".  Remember, you are paying for this!

To a certain extent, we do kind of need to, not move on, but move forward, especially when there are other young children in the family to consider.  But being told to do so is not therapy.  Being told to let go is not therapy.  Helping someone work through their grief and giving them tools to (eventually) be able to continue life without grief always at its center (if that is that person's goal) IS theraputic.

One thing that the therapist did do for me was explain that short and long term memory are stored in different parts of the brain (I already knew this part) and that one reason for the flashbacks, is that when the brain is unable to process something of such a horrific magnitude it stays in short term memory.  Part of the therapy (in this case EMDR) was to try to  process the traumatic events and move them long term memory.  Who know, maybe its all mumbo jumbo, but it did work for me, to a certain extent, although not quite the miracle cure others have claimed it to be.

best to you. s.

tannersmom

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Re: I have a question about therapy
« Reply #9 on: May 27, 2008, 07:32:43 AM »
I agree with MelissaCharliesmom. How you deal with your grief and how long it takes you to make your way, is o.k.  I went to see a therapist but she was young and had no life experience, all she did was make me angry!  This site is a great start , at least for me it was.  Ifelt so alone, like to one understood.  Even my family , mom, brother, nieces everyone told me they understood...but unless you have gone through this awful pain, you can't understand.  Try and take it one day at a time and seek help where you find yourself most comfortable.

~Dee

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Re: I have a question about therapy
« Reply #10 on: June 03, 2008, 08:38:12 AM »
Hi Virgie, I'm not here much, but your question popped out at me.  It is so hard to even go to therapy to deal with the grief of losing a child.  I did, for a very short time.  At first, she was very understanding, compassionate, etc.  After the 3rd session, she suddenly decided that we would need to "explore" my childhood to determine "what could have possibly happened that would make you react so strongly to a death".  That was my last session, and I told her why before I left.

You are in a very vulnerable place at the moment, and, although their a many good therapists and counselors out there, there are just as many who haven't a clue, and can harm you more than help you.  Take a step back and decide if this is the right person to help you.  Trust your instincts.  Do what you need to do for you, not what someone else decides you should do. 

Dee