As a Mom what do I do?

[tannersmom]

Sabrina was 11 when Tanya //her sister , my daughter//died  and Vanessa was 17 //neither of them talk about Tanya, at least not to me.  What shoud I do? They don't want to go and talk to a therapist . Is there anything I can do?  They are so afraid that i'm going to break down ,that they just seem to avoid the subject.  I'm afraid that one day it will all be too much for them.  How did you handle it?  What did you want from your parents?

[tsjones]

A Mom replying to a Mom:

Talk about her and do it often. My other two children were afraid I would break down too, and I just had to show them and tell them that it was important to talk about their brother. Don't make it taboo to say your daughter's name. We talk about Jordan each and everyday and several times throughout the day. It helps. It really does. Keep her alive!

[emmerann]

My little brother was 17 when my older brother who was 22, died. He never talks about it either. I think it is easier for us to forget about it becase it is really hard to deal with it and understand what happened. I am 21 and i am just now after 2 years of his death figuring out that he is not comming back. My personal opinion is to ocasionally talk to then about it and let them know you are "ok" to talk about it and that you want to talk about the death. I was affraid to talk to my mom at first because i didn't know if she could handle it but my mom always asks me how i am doing. Sometimes i will talk to her about my brothers death and sometimes i won't but i know she will listen if i need her.

[Robyn]

My sister died just over a year ago and I NEVER tell my mom when I am having a horrible day.  I listen when she talks and give my thoughts when they are needed but I never turn to her when I need to talk.  It's not that we don't have a wonderful relationship...we do...we talk 5 times a day and see each other all the time...
I just cannot put my sorrow on to her.  I know that as bad as it is for me, it is so much worse for her.
I am far from saying that this is the right way to handle it, my mom may want me to open up to her but it has not been possible for me.  I cried my eyes out in the hours before my sisters death with my mom but as soon as they told us she passed I was unable to grieve in front of my mother.
I do grieve though and I do talk and let things out...I'm sure your girls are talking to someone too-maybe like me, they just can't let you see them sad for fear of making things worse for you?

[tannersmom]

Thank you Robyn!!!  The girls seem to be doing o.k.  I guess I just want to make everything better all the time for everyone!!!

[Robyn]

If it's okay I'd like to turn your question around...what did/do you need from your kids?
I never feel like I am doing enough for my mom!  We lost my father 6 months before my sister so me and my family are all my mom has left.  I try and inclued her in everything that we do and spend as much time with her as I can.  We offered to have her move in with us but she is not ready for that yet...(she is only 60 and in great shape and health)
It's really hard to know what the right thing to do is, what will help...I guess some days nothing will.
I am so,so sorry for your loss.
I'm glad your girls are doing okay.  I have 2 step-daughters who are 10 and 7.  In 4 years they lost their birth mom, their step-grandpa, step aunt and step cousin to be(my sister was pregnant).  It scared me SO MUCH that they were functioning so well after all of this loss.  I couldn't understand why they weren't falling apart.  I think as adults we expect kids to react to loss in the same way that we do but they don't-they react in their own way.  Just letting your girls know that you are there if ever they need you is more than enough!