Hurt by fellow grieving parent

[Brenda(Jessica's Mom)]

First off let me say although I havent been able to post lately, I still read and think of you all every day. Things have been so stressful and I just havent had the words to help anyone.
 Anyways, I have to vent. This site has taught me to be compassionate to others in the same shoes, to encourage others to talk about thier kids, to try to help even if I need help myself. So we have a new gal here at work. I heard thru the grapvine that she too lost a child, so when I had the opprotunity to talk with her I asked her about it and encouraged her to talk. She was aware that I too lost a child, and seemed releived to talk about her loss. I asked all the right questions, even asked her to see a pic of her son (she lost him 12 yrs ago.) I also hoped to share about my loss. Anyways she never asked ONE question, and even incinuated that her loss was worse than mine cuz my kid was at fault for her death(MVA), and her kid was not. I am still at work and visibly upset now, and she still comes up when she has a chance to talk more about her son, yet cuts me off if I mention Jess. I am beyond words as to how a person in OUR shoes can be like this to one of thier own. I dunno, I guess I hoped to find someone to share with, but I just dont think she is going to be that person. Thank GOD none of you are like this. I guess this site wouldnt exsist if everyone was like that. OK. Done whining. Love you all. Brenda

[Karen Paul]

Brenda  I'm so sorry this person has turned out to be so selfish - how absolutely hurtful.. it is a shame.. can you tell her how hurtful her comments are to you? Or is it just too much?

sending you and your beautiful Jessica hugs on EAster,
Karen
Chris' aunt

[Dottie (Tammie's Mom)]

Oh, Brenda, I am so sorry this person doesn't understand how you must be feeling too.

Maybe she has never had the opportunity to talk about her child before so she is really opening up and not thinking that maybe you need to talk too.

Remember we are always here to talk about your beautiful daughter.

Dottie Tammie's Mom

[MelissaCharliesMom]

I think this parent is wrong to act as if your daughters loss is less significant because it was caused by an MVA. That is one of the most ridiculous things I have heard.
However, I also know that one of my dearest friends whom son took his life often sat on the other end of the phone or right next to me and listened to me cry and blab and moan about my sorrow never once saying a word of her own grief. Maybe because she is a year further into this grief then I, so maybe she knew I needed someone to listen. Now there are times when she will talk of her own sorrow and I listen intently though never know quite what to say. She is a pillar of strength and I am greatful to have such an amazing person in my life. That being said I wonder if maybe this coworker doesnt realize what she is doing and/or saying. Would it help if maybe you told her?

[Wadesmom]

I'm so sorry Brenda.   I certainly understand why this is confusing and hurtful.  I have a hard time understanding why someone who has had to walk in these shoes would be so insensitive to you.
I'm really sorry.

Thinking of you and Jessica,

hugs,

Wadesmom 

[Judy-Marc's mum]

Brenda,
This lady sounds like she really needs a kick in the  butt to make her wake up and realise that she is not the only person that needs help.  You made the first move and she now needs to think about what she is doing.  My friend Christine lost her partner Terry to luekiemia 2 1/2 weeks before Marc died and for the next few months all she could talk about was Terry (fair enough) but one day I spat the dummy and said "What about Marc".  She didnt realise what she was doing.  Now the coversation between the two of us is more balanced.
This lady has had enough time to know the difference.
Let her know that what she is doing is wrong.
There is lots more that I could say but the words really dont want to come out right.
Think of you and Jessica
Love and best wishes
Judy Marc's Mum

[Jeanneb]

Brenda,

WOW, how insensitive and I am so very sorry that you have had to deal with this.

It certainly doesn't matter how a person's child died, the fact that each has to go on without their child is just something no one should have to experience.  I don't know what I'd do in your situation and I just feel so bad for you.

It's just wrong what she is doing...take care of yourself Brenda and do what ever is best for you to cope.  Sending you strength for the days ahead.

Jeanne
Philip's mom forever

[Marianne]

Dear Brenda,

My HEART breaks for you.  I understand.

We all walk together on this path of grief.  Losing our child is beyond difficult.  It is beyond painful.  There are really NO words to describe the pain that we all experience.  We are also ALL different.  We experience all the devastation differently.  The thing about this site is that as we here at webhealing walk together - we were all basically GOOD people before this tragedy happened to us.  That is obvious by the reaching out and helpful posts that have been given and received - even or maybe because of the pain we are in.  And as much as I do believe that most people are generally good, there are those who are not.  It is a fact, a sad fact.

I don't know if this co-worker is a good person.  I don't know if she is a bad person.  I don't know if the path of grief she walked has lead her to become a person less than compassionate.  All I know is that YOU, my friend are a good, loving person who has given of herself even when, I am sure you had no idea where that strength would come from.  That is because you are a genuine person and a wonderful mother.

I am so sorry this co-worker's words and attitudes have caused you additional pain.  YOU don't deserve that.  You cannot change who she is - or who she was.  You CAN however choose to ignore her.  You are not obliged to continue in any further discussions unrelated to work with this person.  GET CRAZY OUT OF YOUR LIFE!  You don't have to explain anything to her.  She is irrational and will not get it anyway.  If you choose, you may still allow her to express her grief to you.  That is your choice.  But, you also have to make the choice not to allow this unfeeling, unkind person to bring you down.  We have been slapped down, kicked in the soul.  We don't need to allow anyone out there to add to our pain.

DON'T ALLOW IT.

I am angry for you and at her.   But remember, in this anyway, you have a choice.  Don't let her do this to you.  I am sending you strength - strength that I didn't even know I had this morning.  I am there with you in spirit and know that sweet Jessica is by your side as well.

All my love,

[MARTHA(CANDI'S AUNT)]

brenda,
  first off. i'm blown away. i can't believe someone could even think that, muchless say it out loud.
 i'm so sorry you've had to even meet this woman. i just said a prayer for you.
i will say a prayer for her. i would've been just like you & hoped i'd had someone who knew how i was feeling. i don't know what i'd have done if someone did that to me.
i know i would've cried. not in front of her but i would've went to the bathroom & cried my eyes out. it doesn't matter how any of our children passed away. we're all in the same shoes. know you're in my thought's & prayers.

martha

[John-Danielle Marie's Daddy]

(((((Brenda))))),
I am so very sorry that you have found one of those grieving parents who think that the whole world revolves around them and their grief. Especially 12 years later! I know that at times so many of us are lost and feel so alone on our journey, but to have another parent who has suffered the death of a child (regardless of the circumstances) to be so cold to your feelings is a disgrace.
I think that you are to be commended for not lashing out and making this woman understand how you feel...HMM, maybe you should have!

You know that we are ALWAYS here for you!

Take Care Brenda,

John

[Roger]

We don't know each other, but I was struck by Brenda's posting concerning the new employee at her work.  We lost our 19 y/o daughter two years ago and have since met several people who were seemingly so self-centered that they failed to realize what we are going through. But, since I've begun to realize that they will NEVER completely see our loss through our eyes and I couldn't begin to be in their skin as well, I'm learning to let it go.  I know we have some human feelings in common, but I can't assume what feels comfortable to the other person when it comes to sharing those feelings.  My experience is that the relationship will improve...given more time.