"We have found many ways to share the importance of our grief, through stories, pictures, poems and music but maybe there is a little more room for inspiration and hope."
Wendy what you wrote here the support, understanding, sharing our kids...all gave me hope for those brighter tomorrows and helped me to get to today and survive. I hope I don't say anything wrong here or offend anyone but I personally feel when we moved here from the old board the changes were hard on many and has taken some time to get use to, I have felt we lost so much of the sharing in the change and held onto hope it would return and I thank you and hope we do find more inspiration and hope here, I know how much this all helped me and only hope it continues for every parent here reading or writing.
There is so much I hold onto that I read at this board, one comes to mind was posted by Sharon in memory of her daughter Dawn. "Live, Love, and Laugh.' I did that so seldom and many times thought I was hopeless and helpless to everything, and reading I can remember thinking no way could I see this happening in my time. It all changed, for one I know Chad would kick me in the butt if I didn't live, love and laugh like I once did. Once the sorrow and grief eased I could step back and would ask myself what would Chad want his mom to do and I could hear him loud and clear and I could feel the love connect us and with that connection I never thought would be I began finding peace to many things. Love cannot be taken from you in life or death, for me it remained and it gets me through the hard days and so does the thought of Chad kicking me in the butt lol or whatever else he would decide to do.
As hard as it was for me to read and hear it is all up to you now on where your life will go, I do believe today it was and is. We didn't have a choice on our childs death but there came a time in my grief I seen I do have a choice on where I go from here and it is 24/7 now. If I have a Chaddar day there is times I choose to spend that day alone with Chad and the memories, if I laugh or cry it is all ok for me today and it don't send me to the pit, it is our time and when our time ends I find many many good days of living, loving and laughing.
Grief was so intolerable at times for me, I did so many things I will never understand but know each and everything I did got me to today. I hurt many, I hurt myself and lost myself, I had uncontrollable anger at times, the list is long on what grief had done to me, it stripped me down to a emptiness I never want to feel or live again. I read we need to be selfish at times and that is so true, all I went through and said or did wasn't to hurt anyone it was screaming out for help or trying to find something to have some understanding or hope in. I had my family, two beautiful daughters, a husband, mother, 9 siblings, nieces and nephews and friends and I felt alone and lost, it wasn't until I came here for the first time I wasn't alone with all the pain, thoughts, feelings, unfortunate to find so many parents who lost a child also but grateful for all the help and support that showed me I was not grieiving wrong, yes grieving wrong, until you are with those that do know grief so many that don't know it can make you feel your wrong. I wasn't wrong what I was doing was grieiving the loss of my son and learning how to survive. took me along time to feel I survived and many many hard times but I did, and I am a firm believer if one wants to survive in their own time and their own way they will.
I don't know if anyone else does this but I do, I have silence in the house and I close my eyes and concentrate on Chad, his looks, what he said, did, all the memories, and I can vision him and hear him and it is wonderful to have that connection, for so many years I didn't believe in a connection and I found it and can now connect to Chad anytime in my own way. It seems like yesterday at times since he left us and I believe because of this connection it will always seem like yesterday because he is with me today.
I am one that loves to write, call me the rambler, rambling helped me to survive, I will end this for today, thank you again, I have high hopes for us all, we can survive and live again. one of my favorite poems to read is I did not die. I have no doubt today our kids are everywhere, all around us, and we are connected through their love and memories. I want to thank Chad too, just wish you were here and could kick my butt, would love to wrestle with you again, wonderful times they were and still are in my mind.
love to all
Deb
I Did Not Die
Do not stand at my grave and weep.
I am not there. I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow;
I am the diamond glints on snow.
I am the sunlight on ripened grain;
I am the gentle Autumn’s rain.
When you awaken in the morning’s hush.
I am the swift uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circled flight.
I am the soft star that shines at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry.
I am not there;
I did not die.