Author Topic: Walking On Thin Ice  (Read 9040 times)

Brun~Jims~ mom

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Walking On Thin Ice
« on: December 10, 2006, 12:28:32 AM »
I fumbled around on this board here today and was able to figure it out a little.
I don't know yet how to reply to individual posts but I do want to thank everyone for their supportive words.

I have found that my grief has gotten a little softer, the episodes of total despair have gotten further apart.

 What I have also found when the ocean of despair devours me it is far deeper and much more intense.

I can only attribute yesterdays wave to the season  and yes I was trying to play some Christmas music. I have also learned when a wave hits me to go with it and not fight it knowing now that I will emerge again on the top .

What happened yesterday though was really scary to me . In the midst of that pain wave all I could think was.....if I go in the kitchen and take that knife to slice across my arms I wouldn't even feel it and this unbearable pain would be gone and I would be at peace. It's almost like I was insane for an hour or so. I freaked right after I had that thought and came to the board. Of course the brain wasn't functioning right either. Today I do feel at bit better but something tells me it's not over yet. I have to be careful with my emotions.

The not so funny thing is that after Jim died and I went back to work I would always accidentally burn myself on something. I never felt it when it happened but when I saw it I was shocked.

 In the next days as time permits I will try to figure this out a little more and yes I do think it's a great idea Cherrie had to make some sort of emergency post !!!!!

peace,
Brun

Chy Scott's Mom

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Re: Walking On Thin Ice
« Reply #1 on: December 10, 2006, 01:14:08 AM »
I always hated the cold.  After Scott was killed April 28th 2002, I was back in Colorado talking to my brother on the phone outside and I couldn't feel the cold for the first time in my life.  Then I started noticing how physical pain was so much easier and had some potential for relief from this awful emotional pain.  So I drank, a lot, and got into a lot of fights but no one wanted to really fight me back, I scared them.  A woman with nothing to lose is a dangerous person.  A couple years later I tried cutting myself, no one noticed but I was ready with an excuse for all the scabs, cuts and wounds on my wrists.  No one cared.  It stopped working for me because the relief was so temporary, seconds sometimes.  Now I bury it all and secretly have nervous breakdowns all the time, but still no one notices.  Probably never will

Louise

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Re: Walking On Thin Ice
« Reply #2 on: December 10, 2006, 05:06:50 AM »
I'm so sorry Brun.i know 3 months after keren died,i was going to crash my car,i was really going to do it.Like you said,I almost felt insane with grief.What saved me is my 17 year old son texting me on my cell phone telling me how much he loves me.{He did not know what i was thinking of doing}So now when I get those horrible waves,I try to just think of my two sons.it is so hard,I know.Thank goodness we have this board and each other,love Always,Louise[keren's mom]

starynyte

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Re: Walking On Thin Ice
« Reply #3 on: December 10, 2006, 05:15:26 AM »
Brun and Chy,

It takes GREAT courage to write about your deepest feelings, here OR anywhere! I seriously encourage both of you to discuss these suicidal feelings with a therapist right away, if none is available, there are always crisis hotlines. Although I know as many of us here do, how we welcome death once we loose a child, I pray to God, that no one here or anywhere for that matter would ever seriously act on them.

http://suicidehotlines.com/national.html

1-800-SUICIDE/1-800-784-2433: National Hopeline Network
1-800-273-TALK/1-800-273-8255: National Suicide Prevention Lifeline

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE reach out during these times and CALL! I beg you! YOUR life IS important! To me, and to many others here, and in your life, even tho there are times you many not feel it, recognise it, or have them actually showing you they reallly care. Your making that choice would impact SO many.

I wish with ever fiber of my soul that I could take away your pain, and bring back our children. Please hold on tight until this low passes, try not to be alone, avoid any triggers, and take good care of yourselves.

All my love,
Cherri


Valerie (Kyle's Mom)

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Re: Walking On Thin Ice
« Reply #4 on: December 10, 2006, 06:28:55 AM »
Kyle has been gone 7 months and I still remain accident prone.  I think about that quite often, what happens is my mind is somewhere else, while my body is traveling in another direction.  Sometimes even walking I find myself tripping over my own feet.  This cruel experience of grieving our children has forever changed us in every aspect of our lives.  There is nothing that compares to it....Peace to all this Sunday....work is on my agenda again...but today I'm just not in the mood to go.....Love, Valerie
Valerie R. Patton (Kyle Berry's Mom)
http://james-.memory-of.com

Lori, Alex's Mom

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Re: Walking On Thin Ice
« Reply #5 on: December 10, 2006, 07:55:04 AM »
Prayers and peace to you.

Alex's Mom

Brenda(Jessica's Mom)

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Re: Walking On Thin Ice
« Reply #6 on: December 10, 2006, 10:35:34 AM »
(((Brun))) I periodically have little thoughts like that too sometimes.. not that i would actaully do anything, but yes the thought "it woud be so easy" run thru sometimes. Hoping today is better for you. Hang in there. we are in this together! Brenda

Jeanneb

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Re: Walking On Thin Ice
« Reply #7 on: December 10, 2006, 11:28:22 AM »
Oh Brun,

How I remember several times of being on the edge with suicide.  One day I was driving over a bridge, crying, and thinking if I just drove off the pain would stop.  Another time I did take too many pills and had a day with the hospital and stomach pump.  Wow, beside my husband had never shared this but feeling I need to with you today and this took place not so many months ago.  I do see a therapist and have put myself back into weekly therapy.  It is something I have hidden from my kids and friends for I don't want the kids to be frightened and the friends I don't need the looks.  Thoughts had been with me before and back when I posted here this dear family did lift me up for a while.

I feel lucky for I have a therapist I can reach out to at any time day or night but I also know that when the true darkness can come over us, it can totally envelope us and reaching out is not always something we can do.  If you aren't in some sort of therapy, maybe give it a thought, it has helped and is helping me.

Hugging you,
Jeanne

faye

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Re: Walking On Thin Ice
« Reply #8 on: December 10, 2006, 12:20:02 PM »
Brun, 

I have thought of various ways, too.  I still wish God would take me in my sleep.  Why are we left to suffer this way??  I ask that questions a million times.  I think we all have those "meltdowns" every so often.  Some days are worse than others.  This time of the year has been horrible for me with Larry's first birthday in heaven, the holidays and his first Angel Date in Jan.  I can't believe it is almost a year, and yet I feel like it just happened yesterday.  I hold you close to my heart Brun and know that I care.

leslie

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Re: Walking On Thin Ice
« Reply #9 on: December 10, 2006, 01:40:01 PM »
Oh honey, I'm soooo sorry. I think most of us would admit that we think or have thought about finding a way to stop this unbearable pain. I remember walking on a freeway overpass one night. I stopped & looked down at the speeding cars & thought..I could just this waaaay tooo hard of a life right now...hold on tight. These Holidays are so very, very hard on our broken hearts & shattered families.

Sending much love,

Leslie

Paula (Adam's Brokenhearted Mama)

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Re: Walking On Thin Ice
« Reply #10 on: December 10, 2006, 03:29:50 PM »
I don't think suicidal ideations are uncommon at all in our circumstances. Ii have my own private thoughts on the subject. I hope that you try to reach out to professional help, not just us b/c as we all know death is final and maybe, hopefully there can be better, never fantastic, but better happier days ahead.
I have those thoughts all the time but it is my other children that keep me rooted here.
Paula

andreasmom

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Re: Walking On Thin Ice
« Reply #11 on: December 11, 2006, 06:04:11 PM »
"What I have also found when the ocean of despair devours me it is far deeper and much more intense"

i have had times like this too.  now i just feel tired.  i hope you will find some comfort again dear brun.  hugs, diane

John-Danielle Marie's Daddy

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Re: Walking On Thin Ice-PLEASE READ!
« Reply #12 on: December 11, 2006, 08:44:10 PM »
I have to tell you, your feelings are not unique or only felt by you.
After the horrible accident and the death of my daughter, Danielle Marie, I also had many thoughts about wanting to die. I thought that if I could die that I could protect her (even in death) and be with Danielle so she would not be frightened. I was selfish, I did not think about my family, all I could think about was my daughter being frightened in death. I was told (by my therapist) that this is a very "normal" reaction to something so tragic as the death of a child. The key to helping yourself is to GET HELP! Talk to someone, ANYONE who will listen. They DON'T have to understand and (as I found out) will comfort you and be there for you to lean on.

I came across this medical article that may help explain some of the feelings that some of may have or are experiencing after the death of our children.

Death of a Child Increases Mother's Risk of Death
by Gary Gately
When a child dies, the mother faces a much higher risk of early death than the father, Danish researchers say.
Compared with parents who had not lost a child, mothers were 43 percent more likely to die of any cause within 18 years of a child's death; fathers, 9 percent, the researchers report in the current issue of The Lancet.
The greatest risk of early death for parents came in the three years after a child died, the study found. During that time, mothers were nearly four times as likely to die of unnatural causes, while fathers had a 57 percent greater risk of early, unnatural death.
Unnatural deaths consisted mainly of motor vehicle accidents and suicides, and some of the accidents might actually have been hidden suicides or linked to alcohol consumption, depression or grief, says Jorn Olsen, a co-author of the study.
"I think the most significant finding is definitely this high mortality of unnatural causes we see after the death of a child, especially among mothers," says Olsen, an epidemiologist at the Epidemiology Science Center at University of Aarhus in Denmark. "Losing a child is considered to be one of the most extreme stressors. This type of life event clearly puts the parents in a high-risk position, especially the mothers and especially shortly after the death of a child."
The study focused on information from Danish death registries from1980 to 1996, tracking about 20,000 parents who lost a child and a control group of 293,000 whose children were alive.
The likelihood of a parent's unnatural death declined with the passage of time. However, four to eight years after a child's death, mothers were still nearly twice as likely as those who did not lose children to die of unnatural causes. And nine to 19 years later, they were 70 percent more likely to face that fate. Fathers were 13 percent more likely to die of unnatural causes nine to 19 years after a child's death.
The death of a child also increased the likelihood of a parent's death from natural causes, including circulatory and digestive diseases, the study found.
Compared with those who had not lost children, bereaved mothers had a risk of death from natural causes 6 percent higher the first three years after the death of a child; 16 percent, the fourth through eighth years; and 44 percent, the ninth through 18th years.
Fathers, by contrast, had a higher death risk from natural causes, 19 percent, only in the nine to19 years after the death of a child.
Olsen suggests mothers may be more likely to die early after losing a child because they're more attached to children than fathers.
Among the study's other findings:
For mothers, the risks of unnatural death were highest after the death of a child aged 3 to 9 and lowest for those less than a month old.
The likelihood of parents dying early after losing a child decreased when they had more than one child.
Long-term effects of stress after a child's death can affect the nervous and immune systems, among other things. That can make parents more susceptible to infectious diseases and increase the risk of cardiovascular disease.
Stress also can lead to lifestyle changes such as smoking and drinking alcohol, altering the diet or reducing physical activity - all of which could increase risk of both natural and unnatural deaths.
Barbara J. Paul, a Philadelphia psychologist who specializes in grief counseling, says the study shows the devastating impact of the loss of a child.
"It does have a catastrophic impact on the family," Paul says. "The health-care profession, as well as the mental health profession, need to be aware of that."
Early intervention to improve physical and mental health of grieving parents is crucial, Paul says, and often, increasing physical ailments start to show up nine to 18 months after the death of a child.
However, both parents are often so grief-stricken that they can't help each other and thus need support from friends and others, she adds.
Paul says the loss of a child can be more difficult for mothers: "They will often talk about the death of a child as the death of a part of themselves. They feel a part of themselves has died."
Grieving fathers, by contrast, may be at lower risk of early death because they become more involved in work and keeping the family together and functioning, Paul says
Wishing You All Continuous Comfort & Peace,
John-Danielle Marie’s Daddy
1/4/95-2/20/06 (head trauma-motor vehicle accident)
“Her friendship was an inspiration, her love a blessing”

QMARCL

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Re: Walking On Thin Ice
« Reply #13 on: December 12, 2006, 10:17:06 AM »
We lost our son 11-6-06, and I have had those feelings. I know my wife has had them also. I believe they are natural. They just come out of nowhere for no particlular reason. I thought it was just me, until I spoke to my wife about it, and found out that she had the same thoughts. We talk about it and know that it is not the soloution. It will only cause more grief for the people we love. We have many people who love us, and depend on us. I'm sure you do to.

Marc

JenKellisMom

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Re: Walking On Thin Ice
« Reply #14 on: December 12, 2006, 11:53:12 AM »
What you are feeling is normal.  We have all had the same thoughts. 

The thing that keeps me from acting on it is the fact that I don't want my surviving daughter waking up every day with this same pain.  I do it for my daughters (this includes my angel in heaven).