New to site -- and new to this club :(

[Lori, Alex's Mom]

My son, Alex, just died on 11/5/06.  He was 20 years old and suffered from mental illness.  He killed himself.  They say he jumped from the 14th floor of a hi-rise.  There are a lot of un-answered questions that will probably never be answered.  I know he killed himself but exactly how he died I am not completely sure of.  I guess it doesn't matter, does it?  No matter what, he's gone.

I really find myself reaching out to other parents who have lost their children, because I don't feel anyone else can possibly even begin to understand all the crazy feelings I have.

Is there anyone else who has lost a child due to suicide?  I have many, many conflicting emotions.

I'm sorry this is what has brought us all together; however I hope to be a friend and make some friends.

Lori, Alex's Mom

[starynyte]

I am so sorry for the loss of your son, and yet glad you found us here. There are many wonderful, understanding, supportive, and loving parents here. My son was murdered, yet his very poor choices led to his death, so I can certainly relate to conflicting feelings.

I hope to be able to offer you support, love, a shoulder to cry on, and hope in your heart to believe that you will make it through this horrific journey.

Much love and peace,
Cherri

[MARTHA(CANDI'S AUNT)]

LORI,
  I'M SORRY FOR THE LOSS OF YOUR SON ALEX. MY NIECE CANDI(23) WAS KILLED MAY 13,2005 BY A 18 YR. OLD DRIVER THAT TOLD HIS TWO FRIENDS HE WAS GOING TO SCARE THEM TO DEATH WHEN HE REACHED SPEEDS AT 80 MPH. HE CAME OVER A HILL & HIT CANDI HEAD-ON KILLING HER INSTANTLY.
 MON(DEC 11TH) THE TRIAL STARTS. THE GUY IS CHARGED WITH MANSLAUGHTER. I WAS 13 WHEN CANDI WAS BORN & I BECAME AN AUNT THEN. I'M 39 YRS. OLD & DON'T WORK ANYMORE. I BARELY GET OUT OF THE HOUSE.
 3 WEEKS BEFORE CANDI WAS KILLED ONE OF MY FRIENDS I WAS RAISED WITH SHOT & KILLED HERSELF. SHE WAS 33 YRS. OLD. & HAD 3 KIDS. HER & CANDI ARE BURIED JUST A FEW FEET AWAY FROM EACH OTHER. I DIDN'T WANT TO BELIEVE SHE KILLED HERSELF.
 I REALLY THOUGHT SHE WAS KILLED. I GUESS I WAS IN DENIAL. THEN 3 WEEKS AFTER THAT CANDI WAS KILLED.
 5 MO. AFTER CANDI WAS KILLED MY (MOTHER-IN-LAW) PASSED AWAY. SHE WAS 76 YRS. OLD & IN BAD HEALTH. SHE WAS THE BEST (MIL) IN THE WORLD.   I MISS THEM ALL SO MUCH.
 YOU SAID YOUR SON  SUFFERED FROM A MENTAL ILLNESS.
I HAVE 3 KIDS. A SON(R,J,-19) 2 GIRLS(BRITTANY-15)(KENDALL-13). MY SON R.J. SUFFERS FROM SCHIZOPHRENIA. WE'VE BATTLED THIS SINCE HE WAS ABOUT 14 1/2. IT'S AN AWFUL ILLNESS.  HIS REAL DAD HAS SCHIZOPHRENIA ALSO.
I DIVORCED HIM WHEN R.J. WAS A YEAR OLD. I GOT MARRIED TO MY HUSBAND NOW WHEN R.J. WAS 3. MY HUSBAND(DOUG) ADOPTED HIM WHEN HE WAS 5. HE'S BEEN IN & OUT OF MENTAL/DRUG REHABS. HE WOULDN'T TAKE HIS MEDS. HE'S IN TROUBLE WITH THE LAW & IS ON PROBATION. HE'S BEEN HOME SINCE SEPT.11TH. THAT'S THE LONGEST IN YEARS HE'S BEEN HOME BECAUSE HE WAS IN REHABS OR JAIL.

 I'M SORRY THIS IS SO LONG. WHEN SOMEONE ELSE'S CHILD MAY HAVE HAD THE SAME ILLNESS. I KNOW EXACTLY HOW YOU FEEL. RIGHT NOW HE'S DOING BETTER BUT HE HAS HIS DAYS. I TOOK HIM TO HIS REAL DAD'S THURSDAY. HE LIVE'S WITH HIS PARENTS SO I KNOW R.J. IS TAKEN CARE OF. HE MAY BE 19 BUT IT SEEMS I HAVE TO DO MORE FOR HIM THAN MY GIRLS.
I'M GLAD YOU FOUND THIS WEBSITE BUT AM SORRY THAT ANY OF US HAVE TO B HERE.
 CANDI HAS BEEN GONE ALMOST 19 MO. & SHE'S ON MY MIND ALWAYS. NO-ONE ELSE CAN UNDERSTAND UNLESS THEY'VE BEEN THROUGH THIS. I'LL KEEP YOU IN MY THOUGHT'S & PRAYERS.

MARTHA

[Jeanneb]

I am so very sorry for the loss of your son and glad you have found the board.  There are other parents here who have also lost a child to suicide.  I lost my son from head trauma and massive internal injuries due to an auto accident.

Take one minute at a time and keep posting.

Jeanne

[Brun~Jims~ mom]

Lori,
I am so very sorry you had to lose your son in such a tragic way.
It's a long hard road , none of us ever asked to be on, with lots of different emotions running wild.

I wish you love and peace,
Brun

[Louise]

Dear Lori,I am so sorry you lost your son.I feel like this too.Only other's who have lost their children understand.My daughter Keren died by suicide,although everone who really knew keren says Crystal meth really killed her.Please go to Cherri's post about tell us about your child and you can read keren's story.I have to go to work today,but I'll check back tonight.If you want to e-mail me my address is [email protected] This is a nice group with alot of caring people.Also if you want you can visit my daughter's website at http://www.angel-keren.virtual-memorials.com/ God bless,Love,Louise[keren's mom]

[Karen Paul]

Lori

I'm so sorry that you have reason to find this group.... but glad that you have... it is an oasis from the world when all others seem without a clue... I hope you will find it a safe place to share yourself and your sweet Alex..

I saw on another post you asked what an angel day is... that is what we call the last day... the day they became our angels in Heaven...

I am not a parent myself, but an aunt who has lost my nephew. My brother's only child Christopher was struck by a hit and run driver in Nov. 2003 and died. He was just three weeks shy of his 17th birthday, a junior in high school.. we miss him beyond words.

Please do come back and share more about Alex..

luv and hugs,
Karen
proud aunt of Christopher

[Valerie (Kyle's Mom)]

Dear Lori,

My heart goes out to you, I just hate that you are having to go through so much pain, I am glad you found us, and know, we are here for you. 
My Kyle died May 02, of this year, he was my only child, and everyday is a struggle, just like it is for everyone else here on this board and others that do not have this sort of support system. 
I know there are other parents on this board who lost their precious children to suicide and hopefully they will respond to you and help you through this horrific journey. 
Although the bottom line is that no matter what happen to cause our kids to pass away, we will always ask the questions why?  Kyle was killed in a two motorcycle accident, one of his best friends was killed instantly, Kyle hung on for 11 days in the Elvis Presley trauma center in Memphis until he passed away the day before my birthday.
He had learning disabilities and although was never diagnosed, he was border line depressed in my eyes.  At times he would say that he was going to kill himself, and  even though kids may say that when they are mad, I feared that he actually wasn't as happy as he pretended to be.
I feel that was the reason he took so many risks in his life, a dare devil, and the need for speed in a car or on his bike and four wheeler.   I just don't know, and I probably will never know until I see him again. 

Hang on tight...and try to think positive the best way you can.  We are here and walk beside you...Many hugs and understanding...Valerie (Kyle's Mom)

[Cheryl - Brett's Mom]

Lori..
I am so sorry that you have a reason to become a part of a group like this. The people here are all good people but none of us want to be together for the reason that we are. Your loss is so recent, so fresh. You will find out in time that people who have not lost a child will expect you to 'heal' within their expected time restraints....it doesn't work that way. Each person's journey through grief is so individual...even spouses grieve differently. Just know that you can post here anytime and people here will understand what you are going through. There is also a support group called Compassionate Friends who have monthly meetings and on-line chat. I make use of both this place and the CF meetings & chat.  My son was 18 when he was killed in a MVA in 2005. When I realize that this next summer it will be the 2nd anniversary of his death it makes me angry because I cannot believe that time/life is going on without him.  How is that possible??? I wish you peace and comfort!!!

[Donnys Dad]

Lori I am so sorry for your loss.  You have come to the right place, full of caring people.

I lost my only Son, Donny, on June 13, 2004 to suicide, he shot himself.  I had been with him only 12 hours before and detected nothing.  He had broken up with his fiance 4 days before.  I found him at 9 pm on a Sunday night, 910 days ago today.  He was in his rec room on the couch in the house he just purchased 10 months before.  The site will hauntme forever as we were extremely close.

I know how much it hurts to lose Alex to suicide, it is almost unbearable because of all the WHY's we will be asking ourself forever.

Please, Please feel free to contact me at any time.  It helps to talk about it, that I did learn.

You can go to Donny's memorial site by clicking on the globe, web on the bottom left of this page.

Thinking of you and your pain

[Rebecca]

Lori:  I too am so sorry for your loss and you are just so new to this pain.  This is a caring place to be.  Outsiders have no clue nor should they although some people say such stupid things.  My son Jason died of a heart attack.  The ME said he died on Feb. 10th... today is the 10th of Dec. 2005.  We found him on the 13th so for me the 13th is the day he died.  I feel a hole in my sole and the loss of Jason is always in front of my eyes.  Keep posting as much as you need to.  There are many who lost their children to suicide and know the intense feelings of this particular loss.  Your feelings are your own and real.  Others will try to "make you feel better" but there is no feel better.  Eventually there is coping but that is a minute to minute occurence. 
Rebecca, Jason's Mom

[LaVonne]

I am so sorry you have to be here but glad you found this site. We are here to help one another as best we can. sending hugs LaVonne

[leslie]

Lori, I am so sorry that you have a reason to be here, yet I'm glad that you found us. My son, Jarek, died on June 3, 2000. He was 22 years old and had Muscular Dystrophy. I continue to miss him with every breath I take. You will find much support here from all of the loving parents. We travel this journey arm in arm. You are not alone.

Much love,

Leslie, Jareks Mom

[marie]

LORI, I am so glad you joined our family. This is where you will get a lot of support. I know just what you are going through. I lost my son Patrick on February 22 2006. and his death was kind of sudden. No matter how a child dies you never get over it Patrick was 35 and lived with me. LOVE AND HUGS YOUR FRIEND MARIE

[Paula, Tims Mom]

Lori, I am so sorry you are a member of this "club"-

My son died at 19 of a heroin overdose. He was a GORGEOUS WONDERFUL KID as I am sure so was your son.

If we have anything in common, it is finding it hard not only to lose our children but to live with unanswered questions and to struggle to find grace and dignity in their lives and deaths.

((God Bless))