Dear Christina,
I think that what you are going through is very understandable and normal. You are not forgetting sweet Erin, you are trying to bring joy back into your home with this new baby. You are not replacing Erin at all. We will never know why Erin was taken so young, but just because she was snatched away at such a young age does not mean that you should be denied the joy of being Mommy and being loved by another child. I have dealt with this myself, but in a different way. My Adam was my only child and I was blessed to have him with me on this earth for 11 beautiful years. I never thought he'd leave me, but he did. Due to my age, I have not had the luxury of waiting around for an extended period of time and then decide to try once we are a bit more stable. We have decided to try for another to the point of going for agressive fertility treatments. I have not shared this with anyone from my grief group because I have feared that they might think I shouldn't do this so soon, also most of them still have living children and have not completely lost their parenting role (probably my own hangup.) If I had had a living child left maybe I wouldn't have this burning need to try for one more, but losing my role as MOM has been more than I can take and if I can be gifted with the role of Mom again and the joy of mothering I will be forever grateful! Even my therapist has suggested that we work on having another child as well as my doctor. I have read of others who lost children and who found the need to have another either biologically or via adoption. I think it is a very healthy step for many. Of course we must make sure that we are not looking to "replace" the precious one we lost, but adding another to love. I was reading about
John Edwards (former VP candidate in 2004) and his wife Elizabeth, You may be aware that they lost their son who was a teenager at the time and were still left with a daughter as well. After a few years of grief they realized that they wanted to bring joy back into their home and proceeded to pursue fertility treatments which led to two more children. I see nothing at all wrong with that and rather encouraging. I also read about an older couple (meaning past childbearing age, not that they are OLD!), I believe in their 50's, who lost all their children. After a few years of grieving they decided to adopt a few older children and they never regretted it. They wanted to share their love and they missed the house being so busy with kids.
I think that you are afraid as I would be as well, but once you have that baby in your arms the shere joy will envelope you in love and healing joy and little Erin will be there watching over her little brother and sister and her happy mom!