Author Topic: 17 months ago this evening  (Read 9268 times)

Cheryl - Brett's Mom

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17 months ago this evening
« on: December 09, 2006, 01:19:52 PM »
......my life changed forever....my son passed from my loving care to God's loving care!! Back then I didn't know anything...........yes, I did..I knew that I felt like I was also mortally wounded. I didn't know much else. Why was I still here when Brett was gone??? Why wasn't it 'me' instead of 'him'??  He was so much like me...except BETTER..it should have been ME...not HIM!!! I lived in a painful fog and even the simplest everyday task seemed difficult and required such effort. I do remember thinking that after the first year that the phrase 'time heals' would kick in and surely I would start to feel better. I wanted that so badly...to feel better...to be capable of making the most of life. That's the way Brett lived and I wanted to be able to live like that...in tribute to his life.  I am trying..... I want to do good with what is left of my life..in tribute to Brett...but, man...it is sooo hard to just go on.  This second year...the second holidays without him are much harder than last year. I find myself crying easier and more often.  Listening to Christmas carols is  hard...hearing well meaning people say "have a Merry Christmas" breaks my heart and thinking of getting through Christmas with my grandkids without bringing everyone down feels impossible!!!  :'(

Just want you all know that I am traveling the same path as you all and wishing you peace over the next several weeks. I guess we all just need to cling to the thought that our missing children know that we love them, miss them, and they would not want us to suffer.....and... our suffering does not bring them back to us...it only makes our time here more difficult.  See... I am great at handing out advice...just not so good at following it!!! lol   ;)
Please light a candle in memory of our loved one Brett Ginder by visiting http://brett-ginder.memory-of.com

Dottie (Tammie's Mom)

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Re: 17 months ago this evening
« Reply #1 on: December 09, 2006, 02:09:08 PM »
Dear Cheryl,

I too find this second Holiday Season without Tammie MUCH harder. I think the shock has wrn off now and reality is setting in.

Please know you and your sweet Brett are in my thoughts, I understand as I am approaching 15 months on the 14th and seems so unreal still.

Dottie tammie's Mom

Dena

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Re: 17 months ago this evening
« Reply #2 on: December 09, 2006, 03:06:05 PM »
(((Cheryl)))) - Time has no relevance at all to those who grieve.  It will be my 8th Christmas without Josh and it hurts - it will always hurt because having my family intact was the greatest gift of all. 

I also asked the same questions. Why couldn't Josh live out a long life and take me instead?  That is part of bargaining - something we all do. 

People do say that time heals.  I think time softens - it does not fully heal.

The most important thing we can do for ourselves is to be patient and know that everyone moves through this journey at different paces.

Love,
Dena, Josh's Mom

Rebecca

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Re: 17 months ago this evening
« Reply #3 on: December 09, 2006, 04:35:05 PM »
Yes Cheryl, I agree.  Time for me so far has not healed but I feel more empty than before.  This holiday time is awful.  People scurrying around, presents, lights, happiness.  I feel like an outsider, looking in.  We are invited to a hugh Holiday Party tonight and I have no interest in going, and yet, I am not doing Jason justice because he would never give up a good party.  I am so confused.  How can a Mom and Dad go out and seem to have a good time when we are minus our child.  When he should be with us.  My body aches.  I ask myself over and over... why and over and over I don't get any answers.  Life today just sucks.
Thinking of you.
Rebecca Jason's Mom

faye

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Re: 17 months ago this evening
« Reply #4 on: December 09, 2006, 05:11:35 PM »
Cheryl,

As you know these are all firsts for me.  Larry will be gone one year on Jan. 7 and I suffered so on his Birthday yesterday.  I ask the same questions, why not me instead?  Keeping you my thoughts and prayers.

Louise

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Re: 17 months ago this evening
« Reply #5 on: December 09, 2006, 07:28:21 PM »
Cheryl,I feel just like you do,just like we all do.i know our children would not want us to be sad,but I just don't know how to feel any other way  :'( love always.Louise[keren's mom

Paula (Adam's Brokenhearted Mama)

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Re: 17 months ago this evening
« Reply #6 on: December 10, 2006, 03:54:16 PM »
Oh boy do I know what you wrote about in another posting about not wanting to leave the grave, wanting to remove your child from the grave and bring them home.
As gross and weird as it probably sounds to other people that is exactly how I feel each and every day.
I just cannot accept that my Adam is gone. I am struggling to believe with a spiritual afterlife but all I know for 100% certainity is that he has not been here w/me for the last 3 months and I absolutely hate that.
Paula

stella joshs mom

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Re: 17 months ago this evening
« Reply #7 on: December 11, 2006, 01:53:26 AM »
Cheryl-
it will be 17 months for me as well on the 13th.  Josh went missing and has not been seen nor heard from since then.  This second year is worse for me too.  Starting in September with Joshs Birthday and through Thanksgiving and nowChristmas.  I feel so somber and out of it.  Like in another dimension.  It is so hard act normal about the holidays.  I am taking a trip to see my grand babies.  The trip is a 15 hour drive and its going to take all I can muster to have the energy to get there though.  Part of me just wants to stay here but my oldest daughter wants me to spend a christmas there.  Thanks for the advice, you are right.  It just makes things harder.  It does help here though not being alone adrift on the sea... but seeing others floating and being able to call out to one another and give and receive answers helps tremendously.
This has been almost the best Christmas gift I could get.  The best of course would be to find Josh. :'(
Stella 


Josh and his little sister

Valerie (Kyle's Mom)

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Re: 17 months ago this evening
« Reply #8 on: December 11, 2006, 04:04:32 AM »
We all are trying so hard....I know I am Cheryl...my heart goes out to you.  Christmas and all the other speical holidays will never be the same.  Who would have ever thought we would be at this place when Christmas carols, people shopping and seeing children anticipating Santa's
gifts could cause us so much sorrow.  For some reason we have been givin' this path to go down, "why us" will always be an unanswered question the rest of our lives. 

We have always heard that time heals all wounds, I don't see that happening, they say it softens, but I see through other grieving parents that it remains as intense as it did when we were told our child was gone.  I wake up every morning and see the doctor's mouth moving, not really hearing the words, but knowing deep in my heart that Kyle was gone.  I repeated over and over in that cold hospital hallway "this isn't happening, it just isn't happening", and now 7 months has passed and I still am in disbelief, I still cannot believe he is gone.   I don't know what to do next to make my heart stop feeling so much pain.  I just don't...

I wish all of us the strength and courage to make it through another day, to find some joy and some reason to start anew without our children...Love, Valerie
Valerie R. Patton (Kyle Berry's Mom)
http://james-.memory-of.com

eshellye

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Re: 17 months ago this evening
« Reply #9 on: December 11, 2006, 04:45:13 AM »
Cheryl, 
I am so sorry for your loss.  Tristan has been gone 8 1/2 months and the more time that passes the farther away I feel from him.

I ask myself those same hard questions every day. I find some comfort in doing things in my life that I think would make Tristan proud of me.

It is a small step forward. 

Just know that you are not alone on this journey through Hell.

You are in my prayers today.

Love
Shelly, Tristan's Mom

Lisa Moody

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Re: 17 months ago this evening
« Reply #10 on: December 11, 2006, 01:01:19 PM »
I feel all of your pain.  As I had my son's First Heavenly Birthday on Dec10.  It hurts no matter what we do and feel.  I pray alot to God when I miss him so.....  I don't know how we will get throough all of this but I have been really trying to keep it together through prayers for strength and comfort.  i miss my son very much sometimes at work I just breakdown and cry out of the blue.
Our children are precious to all of us and I know as a mother that losing my child would have been the last thought on my mind.
My husband is not doing well he will not seek for help as I have and does not want to talk about any of this.  So yes I rely on prayers for my family to get us through these rough times we are facing everyday. I don't take any meds, I lift up my hands and asked God to help me through this and it is tough at all times but I find myself dealing with my anger in different ways than one sometimes.

Lisa Moody - Russell Boys Mom
"Always Remembered - Never Forgotten"

leslie

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Re: 17 months ago this evening
« Reply #11 on: December 11, 2006, 02:07:05 PM »
Cheryl,

I've always hated the phrase that "time heals all" because this isn't the flu. My heart will never be healed again. Time has softened my grief, although I'm struggling with the upcoming holidays. There is a song by an artist named Ben Harper. He has a line that sums it up for me "They say, time will make all this go away...but it's time that has taken my tomorrows and turned them into yesterdays".

We put up our Christmas tree (mostly for the benefit of my 9 year old step daughter & my other grown children", but that has just added another layer to my saddness. I can't wait until the season passes.

Much love,

Leslie

sykeller (Ray's mom)

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Re: 17 months ago this evening
« Reply #12 on: December 11, 2006, 02:34:51 PM »
Cheryl,

My thoughts and prayers are with you and Brett.  These anniversaries, they are so difficult for us. 

Wishing you comfort and peace.

Sy


Lori, Alex's Mom

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Re: 17 months ago this evening
« Reply #13 on: December 11, 2006, 05:16:47 PM »
Peace and prayers

Alex's mom

Jeanneb

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Re: 17 months ago this evening
« Reply #14 on: December 11, 2006, 05:42:11 PM »
Cheryl,

I guess time can heal wounds if this was only a wound then maybe it would heal?  I've also been told before that I will learn to accept my son's death but I think NOT.  This will be my 4th xmas without Philip and for the first time I am trying desperately to put some sort of joy back into the holiday.  I've found that while I'm trying to do this all I am really doing is spending money like I think I have it to spend and at the same time not caring.  This probably makes no sense!

My kids have been shocked cause mom put up a tree and she even put up a few outside lights.  I did this for my new grandbaby and that is the only reason.  I keep hearing Philip telling me I have to do this.  Since Layla is only 2 months old I figure this is sort of my trial run at xmas.  If she had been born before this I would never have had the energy to even think about doing some of this. 

So, time, well time helps us with things getting a little softer.  Where we have a tad bit of energy to put that one foot in front of the other.  Yet, I find myself very scattered, the brain if fogging, I can't remember anything, if I didn't know better I would think that time had not passed at all.

Be gentle with you and hold on to how much that handsome Brett loved his mom.

Jeanne