Author Topic: "died" vs "passed away"  (Read 32219 times)

luckyladyb

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"died" vs "passed away"
« on: January 29, 2008, 11:20:21 AM »
I'm curious if you guys have experienced this.  I have on more than one occasion.
I was having a conversation on Saturday and said something about when Jason "died". I was told that they wish I wouldn't say that. I should say he "passed away".
He died. To me it doesn't matter how you say it. His heart stopped, his breathing ceased and he died.  His spirit will live on forever but he physically died.
??????
JasonH's Mom, Bonnie

Jeanie's Mom

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Re: "died" vs "passed away"
« Reply #1 on: January 29, 2008, 01:53:12 PM »
I think we each have a right to express  using what words we want  about our own child.  No one has a right to tell us what words to use.   For me I just couldn't use the word "died" the first year.  The word "died' just would not come out of my mouth. I would try to say it but there was no sound.. So I said lost instead.  After the first year I could say died.  I think it is rude/wrong that they told you what word to use.

Oh sorry I didn't answer your question.  Yes I did experience what you have but the opposite.  I said lost and someone said you mean DIED..  I shook my head yes.  :'(
« Last Edit: January 29, 2008, 01:57:15 PM by Lizzy »

Wadesmom

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Re: "died" vs "passed away"
« Reply #2 on: January 29, 2008, 02:04:18 PM »
JasonH's Mom, Bonnie,
I can not believe , yet sadly I can, that someone actually suggested this to you Bonnie.  Yes, I have experienced this.

For me it depends on the day-who I'm with or how it was brought up in conversation . I have said:  Wade was killed due to a MVA, WAde died, or after Wade's accident,,,it all depends.  I don't like sugar coating this b/c there is no sugar coating. I have thought about how my son would want me to respond  and sometimes that is when I say "After WAde's accident" especially when talking to his classmates and friends. I believe that each of us has to say what is best for us at that particular time.  Maybe in a few months I 'll respond differently.  

To me, "passed away" is something one peacefully does in their sleep.  It implies being older, or mature in age- our children weren't old,,,,but that's just me. Possibly  my perspective on this will change as time goes on, and I sincerely hope I didn't step on anyones feet with my response.

My thoughts are with you -on the numerous stumbles and strides that are a part of this daily journey.
Take care Bonnie

Wadesmom
 

Jeanneb

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Re: "died" vs "passed away"
« Reply #3 on: January 29, 2008, 05:55:54 PM »
Bonnie,

I'm sorry that anyone felt that it was their place to correct you on how you chose to talk about your precious Jason.  I read and reread your post trying to just mull over how I felt.  Mostly I'm just appalled the audacity that someone even felt they needed to say this to you at all.  So far at 4 years, 6 months, and 8 days no one has ever came at me with this one.  Yet, I know that I shouldn't be amazed at what comes out of the mouths of people, but it still gets me every now and then.

Have to agree with Lizzy no one has the right to tell us what words to use and also agree with Joleen in that I use terms as she does depending on who I am with and the moment.  Joleen and I both lost our boys due to MVA. 

I started trying to just think back and I don't think I've ever used "passed away" or if I have it has been very rare.  I do think of that term as referring to someone who is older and had lived their life.

You know maybe if this ever happens again you should just ask that person why they feel that one term over the other should be used?  My curiosity is as such right now that I want to know why they wished you wouldn't say that?    People, they just keep me shaking my head and wondering do they think before they speak?

Hold on tight Bonnie,
Jeanne
Philip's mom

MelissaCharliesMom

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Re: "died" vs "passed away"
« Reply #4 on: January 29, 2008, 06:40:34 PM »
I was unable to say Charlie died for a long time after the accident. I now can say it though I often say he was killed or taken from us, because thats exactly what happened.
No one has the right to tell us what we should say, do, feel. No one has the right to tell us how to grieve.
Sending strength and peace.

Dottie (Tammie's Mom)

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Re: "died" vs "passed away"
« Reply #5 on: January 30, 2008, 07:09:00 AM »
I say DIED, it is what happened. I think we each have a right to say what we want. No one should be so rude to correct you. But people are just STUPID.

Dottie Tammie's Mom

Landons Mom Shelly

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Re: "died" vs "passed away"
« Reply #6 on: January 30, 2008, 07:37:35 AM »
I'll have to admit that I am one that refers to "that day" as the day we "lost" our Landon, I still can not refer to it any other way . . . too final, too soon for me I guess.

Landon's Mom forever,

Shelly
Landon's Mom forever,

Shelly



My Precious Little Landon -- Forever in our Hearts        http://landon-greenan.gonetoosoon.org
August 1, 1995 - June 1, 2007

sandy2

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Re: "died" vs "passed away"
« Reply #7 on: January 30, 2008, 08:33:44 AM »
BONNIE, I was waiting on others replies , guess we are all different but on the same journey. I personally have never been ever to get my mouth to say that d word , i prefer passed away , or the day of accident. Like SHELLY the other word is just too final for me as of now. But you know again that is each persons personal choice , its one of them do what is ok with you.Sorry you are having such a rough time. thinking of you always .  LOVE & PRAYERS TO YOU & YOUR FAMILY. LOVE SANDY SHANES MOM

Donnys Dad

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Re: "died" vs "passed away"
« Reply #8 on: January 30, 2008, 08:46:06 AM »
Bonnie I have to agree with the others who posted their opinions.  Just as we grieve differently we speak of our Sons and Daughters Angel Days differently.  I personally cannot use the D words either.  It will be 4 years in June and I just can't.  I say when Donny left me.  I feel that is what he did and that D word is just too final for me.  Yes, true that it is the D word but I can't use it.  Each of us has their own thing that may help.

However, the person who said that to you is crude and certainly doesn't understand any of this pain.
I Miss You So Much Buddy, My Best Friend, My Tiger

Don, Donny's Proud Dad


Lisa Moody

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Re: "died" vs "passed away"
« Reply #9 on: January 30, 2008, 09:01:13 AM »
I am sorry that we have to come to this conclusion but I use the word passed away or taken sometimes died...

With all  we go through in this journey of grief we should be able to express ourselves in the ways we can deal with the loss of our love ones.

There is no explanation on how we say it or when we have a conversation.  There is no best way to call death itself.

Hugs...
Lisa

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laurasmom

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Re: "died" vs "passed away"
« Reply #10 on: January 30, 2008, 08:10:44 PM »
I never say passed away when referring to Laura, but I use that term when talking about my mother or grandmother, as they were ill and then died.  With my Dad I say died because he was so young and it was so quick (heart attack).  But when referring to Laura, I sometimes will say died, but most often I say Killed, because she was, by a man 3 times her age who was on drugs and driving.  I don't call it an accident either, because he purposely drove though that stop sign with no intention of stopping, so I call it a collision.  And if anyone is offended by what I say...too bad!!  The truth is the truth, and I'm not sugarcoating it for anyone.  If they don't like it, or feel uncomfortable, too bad!!  If someone said that to me, I would respond with, well, how would you feel if it were your child?  And be glad you don't know!
Lois, Laura's Mom

Marianne

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Re: "died" vs "passed away"
« Reply #11 on: January 30, 2008, 08:46:00 PM »
Oh my gosh Bonnie.  People amaze me.  Stupid!  That's all I can say.  Maybe you should have said, "Are you stupid, or do they say ignorant now?"

Thinking of you.
Marianne (Alek's Mom Forever)

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Re: "died" vs "passed away"
« Reply #12 on: January 31, 2008, 06:34:37 AM »
No one has the right to correct our grieving because it "makes them uncomfortable".
Sheesh. Like they know "uncomfortable"
No euphemism for "death" changes our reality!
((Hugs)))
Paula, Tims Mom

luckyladyb

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Re: "died" vs "passed away"
« Reply #13 on: January 31, 2008, 07:50:33 AM »
Good Morning Fellow Grievers,
The responses have been a real "eye opener" for me. We have different views of the words also.
Thank you for your responses. I may not have been as considerate as I should have been of the folks I was talking too when I was corrected.
If I had been talking to some of you and used the word, "died", it would have been upsetting.  For others, it would not have been.
When I received the phone call that Saturday morning, I was told "Jason died this morning."  That was it. No prepping, no "they did all they could". Just he died.
I remember vividly what my reaction that morning was.
Thanks so much for your opinions.  I appreciate each and every one of you.
JasonH's Mom, Bonnie

Brenda(Jessica's Mom)

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Re: "died" vs "passed away"
« Reply #14 on: January 31, 2008, 10:43:54 AM »
I cant believe somone had the NERVE to tell you how to express YOUR personal loss. Not sure what ID do if that happended to me....yikes...and what DO i say? Same thing, Jessie died.