5 years ago today, Jan.12th, when my only surviving child, my son of 29 years, that I held onto so tightly, was taken from me.
The first year I kept thinking, well, only 1 year has gone by, maybe he'll come back. But, he didn't. Then, another year went by and I thought, well, it's been so long now, it doesn't look like he's going to come back. But, he might, because I might wake up from this gut-wrenching nightmare and then everything will be alright.
Today at 5 years it pains me to say the words, to write these words...he is NOT coming back. I never wanted to say it. It's just too final.
Last December I started my own business and have advanced to a place I didn't see coming. Everything happened so fast.
The HUGE mistake I made was NOT taking time for me, which I always did before. I always journaled and every day I spent one hour with my thoughts, being careful to take very good care of myself.
Well, 8 months or so into my business, everything came tumbling down around me and I was in a very dark place and was very frightened.
I had become so busy that I lost myself along the way and now I'm clawing my way back out of a bad place, both spiritually and physically. I'm looking for me again. I just sit and cry when I think about how careless I was regarding my own health, especially, emotionally.
I'm sick with pain and angry with myself but know I have to forgive myself. I've always been at peace with who I was and was content, amidst all the havoc, I still had my self assurance to fall back on.
I'll get there again, with alot of work, a lot of patience and I know another river of tears. But, tears have become my friend. As pain has. I take it everywhere I go and have accepted that it is a part of me, just as my children are, and that will never change.
Another year, time has never been a friend to me, but what it has done was opened my eyes to possibilities and the knowing that no matter what may happen, I am a survivor. And that feels good. So, I guess there is a bright spot in this picture I paint of myself.
I'm looking at Jeff's daughter, my precious Granddaughter, laying across my bed. She looks exactly like her Daddy.
God, I miss my baby and until I take my last breath I will always yearn to hold him, touch any part of him, just once more. I really need to feel his arms around me right now. To hear his voice. I know he's with me and one day we will all be together, and I don't question 'why' anylonger, I just want my family back. I have to wait awhile longer. I know that...I just get anxious sometimes. But now I'm going to lay down and try to sleep and try to dream and I'm not going to give up on me again because that's not who my babies mother was and they know that and I'll always be Momma, whether we're together or not.
I miss you so much, can you hear my heart cry?