Author Topic: The day the earth stood still.  (Read 3968 times)

Terry

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The day the earth stood still.
« on: January 11, 2008, 11:26:15 PM »
5 years ago today, Jan.12th, when my only surviving child, my son of 29 years, that I held onto so tightly, was taken from me.
The first year I kept thinking, well, only 1 year has gone by, maybe he'll come back. But, he didn't. Then, another year went by and I thought, well, it's been so long now, it doesn't look like he's going to come back. But, he might, because I might wake up from this gut-wrenching nightmare and then everything will be alright.
Today at 5 years it pains me to say the words, to write these words...he is NOT coming back. I never wanted to say it. It's just too final.

Last December I started my own business and have advanced to a place I didn't see coming. Everything happened so fast.
The HUGE mistake I made was NOT taking time for me, which I always did before. I always journaled and every day I spent one hour with my thoughts, being careful to take very good care of myself.
Well, 8 months or so into my business, everything came tumbling down around me and I was in a very dark place and was very frightened.

I had become so busy that I lost myself along the way and now I'm clawing my way back out of a bad place, both spiritually and physically. I'm looking for me again. I just sit and cry when I think about how careless I was regarding my own health, especially, emotionally.

I'm sick with pain and angry with myself but know I have to forgive myself. I've always been at peace with who I was and was content, amidst all the havoc, I still had my self assurance to fall back on.

I'll get there again, with alot of work, a lot of patience and I know another river of tears. But, tears have become my friend. As pain has. I take it everywhere I go and have accepted that it is a part of me, just as my children are, and that will never change.

Another year, time has never been a friend to me, but what it has done was opened my eyes to possibilities and the knowing that no matter what may happen, I am a survivor. And that feels good. So, I guess there is a bright spot in this picture I paint of myself.

I'm looking at Jeff's daughter, my precious Granddaughter, laying across my bed. She looks exactly like her Daddy.
God, I miss my baby and until I take my last breath I will always yearn to hold him, touch any part of him, just once more. I really need to feel his arms around me right now. To hear his voice. I know he's with me and one day we will all be together, and I don't question 'why' anylonger, I just want my family back. I have to wait awhile longer. I know that...I just get anxious sometimes. But now I'm going to lay down and try to sleep and try to dream and I'm not going to give up on me again because that's not who my babies mother was and they know that and I'll always be Momma, whether we're together or not.
I miss you so much, can you hear my heart cry?

Dena

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Re: The day the earth stood still.
« Reply #1 on: January 12, 2008, 06:30:52 AM »
((((((Terry & Jeff)))))))))

You are both close in my thoughts & heart.  It is so hard on us when we lose ourselves in the shuffle because our souls & hearts are fragile and need to be cared for. 

I hope you feel Jeff close to you today and know that you are being thought of and loved.

Love,
Dena, Josh's Mom

Dottie (Tammie's Mom)

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Re: The day the earth stood still.
« Reply #2 on: January 12, 2008, 06:54:23 AM »
I am so sorry you are having a difficult time. I know I go through these dark times myself, just as you I wait for my daughter, my only child, my reason to live to just come home. But at  2 years and 4 months I am beginning to face the fact that won't happen. It hurts so much and yes tears have just become part of my daily life. I too stay busy with a business so I won't think.
Know I understand and I am sending you a BIG HUG,

Dottie Tammie's Mom

Brenda Taylors Mom

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Re: The day the earth stood still.
« Reply #3 on: January 14, 2008, 12:47:43 AM »
((((((((((((((((((TERRY AND JEFF)))))))))))))))))))))))

Terry

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Re: The day the earth stood still.
« Reply #4 on: January 19, 2008, 12:41:46 PM »
Thank You Dena for thinking of me and Jeff. And you are right, that it is too easy to get lost in this shuffle of 'everyday living' and I'm wiser to be reminding myself I can't/won't fall into this pattern of destructiveness again.
Above all, I 'do' feel loved!

I went back to work, with a vengeance, something I needed to do for me, and also those around me.

My Love to you and Josh.
Terry

Terry

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Re: The day the earth stood still.
« Reply #5 on: January 19, 2008, 12:52:27 PM »
Thank you Dottie for thinking of us, I appreciate it. I have to say that ater 5 years of living without Jeff, that there 'is' more Light than Darkness. But, oh, when that Darkness creeps in, well, you understand what I'm talking about. It seems to take a hold and we have to work harder to break free.

And I know now that there are situations I do not have to place myself in, leaving myself open to even more pain. I do have some control and I will keep this in the forefront of my mind as yet another hard lesson has been learned.

Thinking of you and your precious Tammie.
Love,
Terry

Terry

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Re: The day the earth stood still.
« Reply #6 on: January 19, 2008, 12:58:36 PM »
Brenda, thank you for those hugs and your thoughts of me and Jeff.
We miss our tough guys, don't we? And always will.

Living without them is learned, I've found. Learning to live 'with' this pain, this longing, and not always, "Running Against the Wind".

One careful step at a time.

Thinking of you and your 'baby doll' Taylor.
Love,
Terry

Ramona

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Re: The day the earth stood still.
« Reply #7 on: January 20, 2008, 05:29:06 AM »
Dear Terry,

I so understand what you are feeling.  I too spend hours everyday with my reading and writing.  I couldn't give it up yet either. 

I started back to college this Fall full-time but I broke my foot one week before school started.  Thought Iwouldn't let that stop me so I limped away with my walking cast and I was in sooo much pain but thought I HAD to do it.  It was a nightmare trying to tackle such a big project, everyone telling me to go for it.   When inside I knew it was wrong.   I ended up only three weeks later almost hospitalized.   My foot wouldn't heal,  I wasn't physically strong enough to do all the walking required on a 18,000 student campus. Studying things I could care less about just to take the required classes and listening to people talk about nothing REAL...to me at least.

And I missed my time with God each day.   Having Him teach me and direct me where I should be going.  So I had to quit.  It was just the wrong road for me to take.   Nothing wrong with heading in wrong direction.  It just takes me one more step closer to one day finding the right place for me to land. 

It has taken me a few months to regroup and find my strength and balance again.  This year will be ten years for me losing my precious Tim.   The strength I need to go foward is returning.  It just won't let me waste it on things that I am not suppose to be doing any longer.  And that is really a good thing for me.  To let go of everything that no longer will serves a purpose going forward today.

Our amazing boys still are with us in our hearts and they are leading and guiding us.  We have to let them in more.  I still hear from my Tim.   And I know this is leading me somewhere.  I have things yet to do in this life.  I am doing many of those things now.  As I am sure you are too.  That beautiful Granddaughter, the love you show her means more than you can ever know.

You are in my thoughts and prayers, love, Ramona

 

 

Ramona

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Re: The day the earth stood still.
« Reply #8 on: January 20, 2008, 06:06:41 AM »
PS
Terry someone gave me this site this year and it has helped me in so many ways understand what I am still going through.   Look at Friday June 1, 2007.

http://two.pairlist.net/pipermail/nacrmed/

Love, Ramona