Let me start by saying this isn't easy to share, but it may help someone else, so I will. And in a way, it helps me to confess about it.
I have had MANY unhealthy means of escape ranging from drugs, sex, occasionaly alcohol, seclusion/hibernation, to even running away from home.
Those first two years, I smoked weed a LOT. It kept me calm, numb, and gave me the ability to relax, UNTIL I became addicted and then it had the reverse affect on me. It took me a while to realize this, had to not smoke in order to notice a change... I knew I had become dependant on weed, and hated it, I hated myself for doing it, because weed was involved in my son's murder. Not to mention the illegal factor involved. When buying it, I would be totalllly paranoid about getting busted, what if I did, just thinking of the pain it would cause my family and loved ones, made me feel even more guilty, but I did it anyhow... I was addicted.
After complete financial breakdown, and the need to return to work, I had to quit. Luckily it was fairly easy, however the craving took a long time to subside, months in fact. When I couldn't afford to keep my own stash, I would seek out people I knew that smoked, therefore I would go a few days without smoking, and immidiatly noticed the change in my anxiety levels. After smoking again after not having any for a few days, the anxiety would hit me like a ton of bricks! and that's when I figured it out, and quit for good.
Sex, I won't get into details about this one, but it was also a very very unhealthy escape for me. To tell some of the things I did here, would be TOO TOO brave! However I have read numerous times that it is a VERY typical choice of escape. In a nutshell, sex was a way to fill a void within myself, or at least I thought it did, but in the end, afterward, it made me feel pretty damn cruddy and as low as low could get. No I wasn't selling my body for money, for those that want to believe the worst of me.
Seclusion/hibernation, is a balance between good and bad I think. One can go overboard in either direction. After sitting at home naked, unbathed, hungry, stinky, and lazy with my phone ringer turned off, for months on end, I told myself "Cherri this isn't good!" I did take the occasional shower when I couldn't stand myself after a few days, but that first year my hygine went WAY down hill! I just didn't give a rat's ass. Some days went by where I ate nothing, then I'd order a pizza and eat the entire thing! or a 1/2 gallon of ice cream in a day and a half.
There were many times I also would go see my niece Alyssa. We'd sit and play with her Barbie dolls, draw picures, play hide n seek, read books, what ever her sweet little heart desired. I got lost in her innocence and incredible ability to see right through me and know when I needed a hug or a laugh-just like Chris could always do.
In this last year, several things happened to wake me up and change. I SO needed to balance myself, I needed and craved SOME structure in my life. Going back to work realllly helped with this. It was almost like I was punishing myself... my guilt was immeasurable, off the scales, and I just wanted to shrivell up and die, and felt like few people actually cared if I did.
Boy this is tough to write about!
My art has been a huge escape for me as well. Where I could not find adequate words to describe the incredible pain I felt, I found ways to manipulate and contort photos of myself to describe how I felt. I drew thick jagged marks with the violent stroke of a pen or pencil, to release my anger on the paper, tearing holes through it to the underlying pages.
The month after Chris was killed, I returned to college. I took pottery class to balance the tougher classes. We learned to hand build first and this was a true safe and healthy escape for me early on. It was an evening class, so afterward I would stay and work on my piece. Sometimes I'd drag my butt outa there at 3-4 am in the morning. I would be so lost in the clay, just me and it, no thoughts, just pouring my emotions into the molding of it in my hands. My mind would go blank, it was the most wonderful feeling! My final piece for that class was this:
<a href="
http://www.flickr.com/photos/my_starynyte/217672668/" title="Photo Sharing"><img src="
http://static.flickr.com/51/217672668_d3da55928c.jpg" width="500" height="375" alt="My Heart" /></a>
If you click on the actuall picture it will take you off the board and to my flickr site where you can read about how I created it, step by step, the raw emotions I felt during each step, and how the entire process so precicely resembled where I was.
Shit, the damn picture won't show up, if your interested just follow the link... otherwise I posted the photo below.
Jumping ahead to current times, my escapes are healthy
Through the lense of my camera I get lost. I will spend hours in a graveyard taking pictures of the sunshine showering over the sculptures and headstones, chasing bugs or butterflies on my favorite hiking trail, wandering aimlessly through the city snapping pictures of whatever catches my eye, sitting home and playing with a still life shot like pomegranate seeds on a mirror in my sink, while trying to capture the water drops in motion. Making photo collages for friends, drawing a portrait in colored pencil or watercolor for a Christmas gift, or a graphic illustration to help people learn their way around the new board.
I still go all hermit sometimes, especially now that I work two jobs. When I get home I just want to vedge. In front of the computer on the grief board, or on flickr, working on a new art project, design, or drawing, watching America's Next Top Model, or Boston Legal.
Well I'm out of cigarettes LOL my one last unhealthy escape/habit. Off to 7-11 for smokes and some much needed ice cream! hmmm, that makes 2