Author Topic: Starting over. and over. and over again..  (Read 3814 times)

Terry

  • Administrator
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 5951
    • “Grief is like the ocean; it comes on waves ebbing and flowing. Sometimes the water is calm, and sometimes it is overwhelming. All we can do is learn to swim.” –Vicki Harrison
    • View Profile
Starting over. and over. and over again..
« on: December 31, 2007, 08:41:42 AM »
I was deep in thought last night and wanted to share part-Introduction, and some feelings regarding the past. I don't know why now I feel so strongly to do this, but I'll go with this feeling.

I remember coming/FINDING this board almost 5 years ago, when my only surviving son, my life, my everything, was murdered.
It was a very rocky road for such a long time because the first two years I was involved in a court case that I felt was going to knock me down and out, for the count.
My Faith sustained me and never once, did I feel anger toward God, as He didn't murder my son. Instead, all of the strength that held every fiber of my being, came from the Source.

Years ago, my two babies,  Sal was just a baby, died. My Michelle died when she was four. And I wasn't the 'type' and didn't like to hear that 'There was a reason for everything that happens' and I rejected that cliche along with everyother hurtful one.

Although I do believe that through all of the changes in our lives, we too change. We grow. We grow into ourselves and come to view a 'different' person with 'different' traits and as confusing as it all is, I went with it all and didn't change the path I was on.

To better understand where this is going and already part of it is evident; My only means of survival and source of strength, was my Faith. And still is.

So, when the time came where my greatest strength was questioned as not being honest with myself, instead of turning the computer off and practicing what I preached, TOLERANCE, I became enraged and hurt as if someone were attacking my children, which caused unimaginable pain and something I could not handle, on top of burying my children, because I wasn't about to bury my Faith.

This, to me, was a test to my Faith. And I failed. I failed to display tolerance and compassion and understanding for where others were coming from.

I didn't remind myself WHERE I was. I was surrounded with those just like me, hurting deeply, angry because our children were gone, and there was 'understandable' resentment of someone feeling Peace and contentment when those words were so foreign at a point in their lives and totally unexplainable in their minds.

I regret those that I hurt and through this experience have learned that we are all individuals with our own beliefs or not and it was so far from MY PLACE to show intolerance.

I wanted so badly for others to feel the same peace that through my words, I pushed people away from the one entity I was desperately trying to draw them too.

I am the same person, but, I am more tolerant, more understanding of others feelings, respecting that each of us need to find our own way in this life using the tools we possess, and those tools are different for everyone.

I practice my faith privately now, as I've come to know with certainty who I am and how I've survived and also, how I've lived.

That very uncertain time in my life, after the trial, when my rage had peaked and I was jumping out of my skin, the One I cherished over all others, (and still do) I defended with words of hurt and anger, which I know now was unneccessary, for He needs no defending.
I was not forgiven for that angry post and the friends I thought I had made on the Board just dissappeared. Well, my true friends, who knew me, did not, and I've continued contact with them over the years.

I guess one of the points I'm trying to make is that this is a 'horrid' journey with many ups and downs and discovering and rediscovering ourselves is a never ending process.
Living without our children is something we learn to do through this discovering, and along with this self-awareness we are constantly growing. We are constantly learning about one another.

I sure wish, and have always, that there could have been another way to reach this self-awareness, besides through the deaths of my children.

Concluding this shortly but want to answer to the many, many emails and phone calls I received when leaving the Board, I just want to say that taking in that Mom who was down and out, was poor judgement on my part. She had carte blanche to my computer and let's just say, caused a small war while she was here. Being totally unaware of the problems caused on the Board, until I was contacted by Staff and a Senior Member from the Board, and after reading her messages that appeared to be coming from me, well, I could say nothing, as everyone's mind was already made up and I was not going to defend myself against the hurtful accusations toward me.

I was thankful that at the time, there was someone on Staff that never believed the messages came from me and investigated this. It's always nice to know someone believes in you.
 I simply stated,"I had nothing to do with it." which didn't sit well with some members, but I was honest and there was another person involved, who, at this point, needed my help, regardless of the harm she had caused. I still needed to open my heart to her.

I want to thank everyone who read this far. It is appreciated. I needed to share this.

I've always found this Board to be a refuge from the Darkness, from the hurtful cliches, from the ONES and I find myself coming back again and again and it feels good to know someone is listening. And that someone understands this awful pain.

On a ligther note, I started my own business a little over a year ago. I have gone far beyond what I believed I could reach in this years time. It feels good to be giving back. I've met some wonderful people but still have to guard my heart, as words still, and probably always will cut deep; even when we know there is no malicious intent. Most people mean well. They just don't know what to say and spout out the most hurtful things. I've come to understand that there is NO understanding for them, since they haven't buried a child. I look at it from that perspective and even smile, thinking, how fortunate they are to not have to live with this pain!

In January, my son, Jeff's, death date is approaching quickly. Then, his Birthday in February. I have to say that this is the hardest year for me, and how naive of me to think this pain couldn't possibly, get any worse. I was wrong, again.

To all new on this journey, my heart, my love I send you. You are not alone, although sometimes it may feel that way.
Find your 'own' safety net and go there as often as you need to.
My wish for you, when the darkness feels overwhelming and your desperately searching for light; That you can close your eyes and free fall into the arms of Love. Love sustains us. It's through the Love that we get to see these 'glimmers' of light.

I wish you all Love!
Hugs
Terry
« Last Edit: December 31, 2007, 10:19:22 AM by Terry »

luckyladyb

  • Guest
Re: Starting over. and over. and over again..
« Reply #1 on: December 31, 2007, 12:31:50 PM »
Terry,
I guess I'm too new to truly understand what happened. I don't believe I read any of the mentioned posts. I'm sorry this happened to you.
I do know that we all have to believe in something.  If I read a post and don't agree with it.  I just don't agree with it.  I wouldn't condemn the writer.
I'm glad you're back.  This is a place of solace for many.
Have a blessed New Year.
Jason's Mom, Bonnie

Terry

  • Administrator
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 5951
    • “Grief is like the ocean; it comes on waves ebbing and flowing. Sometimes the water is calm, and sometimes it is overwhelming. All we can do is learn to swim.” –Vicki Harrison
    • View Profile
Re: Starting over. and over. and over again..
« Reply #2 on: December 31, 2007, 08:24:36 PM »
Hi Bonnie and Thanks! But it really doesn't matter who remembered what, or who read what; truly, it doesn't. It was on my mind and writing it down makes it concrete and what I needed to do, for me. It doesn't even matter if anyone responds.
That time in my life was probably the toughest I have gone through; so much pain. Being disappointed caused a great deal of pain but also, of learning.

I read your post, Bonnie regarding your first Christmas and it really touched my heart. What a beautiful way to honor Jason, sharing "Gingy", not only the story, the memory, but making a replica for everyone. Wow!! Awesome!
I could feel the positive energy excuding off your post and obviously, surrounding you!

The 'smiles' in that beautiful family picture says it all!

Hey, if you don't mind, I'd like to borrow some of that positive energy to get through tonight!!!

Wishing you and your family a peaceful night filled with the warmest of memories!

((((((Thanks again, Bonnie))))))

Love,
Terry
« Last Edit: December 31, 2007, 08:40:15 PM by Terry »

Karen Paul

  • nospam
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 1181
    • View Profile
    • Chris Bascom Memorial
Re: Starting over. and over. and over again..
« Reply #3 on: January 01, 2008, 12:44:03 PM »
Terry - I would like to welcome you back to the board - so sorry for the loss of your children and all that you have been through - I'm glad you still came back and feel able to share here - I feel very fortunate that every one has allowed me to share here too - I lost my nephew Christopher to a hit and run drunk driver in Nov. 2003. He is my brother's only child and was just three weeks shy of his 17th birthday when he died. Coming here and sharing Chris and his life and my grief for his death has helped me immensely and for that I have everyone here to thank...

hugs, Karen
Chris' aunt

LaVonne

  • nospam
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 724
    • View Profile
Re: Starting over. and over. and over again..
« Reply #4 on: January 01, 2008, 05:57:30 PM »
Terry:

  So many have come and gone and I guess I don't remember what happened and sorry i did not keep in touch. I am a very private person and no one emails me and so I do not email anyone. I have only gotten a couple of emails from here in the Eight years i been here. I would love to talk with others but just never had the time. Please know i care and welcome back. Remembereing your son Jeff on his Anniversary date and will be thinking of you also. Hugs  LaVonne

Terry

  • Administrator
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 5951
    • “Grief is like the ocean; it comes on waves ebbing and flowing. Sometimes the water is calm, and sometimes it is overwhelming. All we can do is learn to swim.” –Vicki Harrison
    • View Profile
Re: Starting over. and over. and over again..
« Reply #5 on: January 11, 2008, 10:07:01 PM »
Terry:

  So many have come and gone and I guess I don't remember what happened and sorry i did not keep in touch. I am a very private person and no one emails me and so I do not email anyone. I have only gotten a couple of emails from here in the Eight years i been here. I would love to talk with others but just never had the time. Please know i care and welcome back. Remembereing your son Jeff on his Anniversary date and will be thinking of you also. Hugs  LaVonne

Thanks LaVonne and so nice to hear from you. We shared quite a bit back then. I always appreciated your words of comfort and your support.
Your right about so many coming and going. I see very few that I'm familiar with, but nice to see quite a few that I'm very familiar with.
12:03, Jan.12 and it's now 5 years since my baby Jeff left this earth.
Thanks again for thinking of me.
So nice too to see your beautiful Jason.
Take Care my Friend.
Love,
Terry

Terry

  • Administrator
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 5951
    • “Grief is like the ocean; it comes on waves ebbing and flowing. Sometimes the water is calm, and sometimes it is overwhelming. All we can do is learn to swim.” –Vicki Harrison
    • View Profile
Re: Starting over. and over. and over again..
« Reply #6 on: January 11, 2008, 10:23:28 PM »
Terry - I would like to welcome you back to the board - so sorry for the loss of your children and all that you have been through - I'm glad you still came back and feel able to share here - I feel very fortunate that every one has allowed me to share here too - I lost my nephew Christopher to a hit and run drunk driver in Nov. 2003. He is my brother's only child and was just three weeks shy of his 17th birthday when he died. Coming here and sharing Chris and his life and my grief for his death has helped me immensely and for that I have everyone here to thank...

hugs, Karen
Chris' aunt

I'm so sorry that Chris is no longer with you/your brother. He is fortunate to have you in his life. To have each other to share with is wonderful. But how we wish we could instead, be sharing in their lives. :(

I feel comfortable coming here because everyone can relate to the pain of losing someone you love so deeply. This season has been particularly difficult for me. Today, Jan. 12th being 5 years since Jeff left and his birthday follows in February. Outside stressors are contributing.

Thank You Karen for your kind words and I wish you peace.
Love,
Terry