2nd Christmas without our Russell Boy

[Lisa Moody]

Grieving Nightmare that never ends haunting and taunting the ones you love,
We lost Russell Boy and yet it feels like I have loss all of my children also.
This Holiday season we got together as a family yet it was very hard to be in the same room with each other.
Something was missing and yes the skeleton in your closet thats what we call it
That now we have to face for the rest of  our earthly lives
Will haunt all of us forever.
My daugther has decorated the house and put up a Christmas Tree which was very hard itself to bear for all of us.  We are trying to cope and remember our sweet Russell Boy with good intentional memories.
My children are going through a rough time with alot of the anger and frustration of not having their little brother around.
I can see it in their eyes I can feel it in their souls but yet I am helpless
Because I cannot heal them and tell them everything is going to be alright we will go on
I just feel helpless......

Christmas morning we opened presents and yet feel the emptiness inside the house and in our hearts...
We put on that mask so no one will feel the sadness through the day....
On of my children went to California with his girlfirend for Christmas which made it even more unpleasant. So I called them that afternoon to wish both of them a Merry Christmas.  As I stayed on the phone with my son I asked him if it was okay to sing for them over the phone.  I was all prepared to do this wonderful song so I started singing Have yourself a Merry Little Christmas.  As I came upon the second verse I couldn't help but cry and finish the song in tears....  I told myself I wouldn't do that but it just happened..... We said our goodbyes and I hung the phone up in tears I continues to cry outside my front door.....  It was very strange when I told myself I wouldn't do that...
about 5 minutes later the snow began to fall like crazy here in Oregon.  I couldn't believe my eyes as I gazed upon the large flakes falling from the sky.....  I was just amazed! I stopped crying and my kids and my grandkids were having a ball with smiles on their faces playing with the snowflakes that came down that day.....

After while we went to visit friends and more family as the day went by, Stopped at my grnadduaghter's house (Russell Boy's little angel) Anela.  Stayed there for awhile a opened present with her and enjoyed just being there with her for  thta moment.  And finally we did out last stop to visit my baby boy's resting place to say Merry Christmas and to just soend time lighting a candle and just silence.  You know my grand daughter who is 12 years old syas the strangest things to me all the time.  She said grandma as I watched you over at Russell Boy's resting place I saw a vision of Russell Boy standing next to you....  she replied and said Grandmad please don't think I am crazy or seeing things but I saw what I saw Russell Boy right next to you .........  I started crying again and couldn't believe what I just heard......  But it was very emotional and painful at times.....

But we still have another holiday to get through and I pray that the lord will give all of us strength to hold on to the good memories of Russell Boy and help us through the next year to come.

[Marylou]

Lisa: you have me crying also, I repeat for me, everything you have said, I feel your pain and hurt. This is my #2 without my hubby and #6 with out my only son. We all know the pain of trying to put on that HAPPY face and go with the flow, it is sooooo hard!!! I hate saying this and I have said it way to much this year, but I am so glad it (Christmas) is over!!!
I can imagine all the emotions and pain from your granddaughter saying, she sees your Russel Boy standing next to you, all I can say is WOW!!!!! I would love to have someone see that for me, from my hubby and son!!
All I can say is I pray for you and your family, take it easy and just get by one day at a time.

So Sorry!
Marylou

[Lonnie]

Sweet Lisa: You are so touching in your pure love for Russell Boy. We all feel it in every beautiful post you write. I do not doubt that he may have come and stood beside his beloved mom. And the snow-almost like a special sign-to cleanse your soul, and take away your tears. I love you and am thinking of you in the days ahead. All of us here love you! Lonnie

[jazzgirl]

Lisa, Just wanted you to know you and your family our in my prayers. Lonnie is so right about hearing how much you love Russell thru your post. I posted a poem called Merry Christmas From Heaven. It really is a nice poem and was able to lift our family up last year with my brother being gone his 1st year at Christmas time. He died Jan. 1 of 2006 so it had almost been a year last Christmas. This year was quiet, but different. Everything has changed so much. It is like everyone is scrambling trying to get new traditions started. Hope your holidays look up for you.
Thinking of you,
Jazzgirl