Author Topic: Finally claimed my loss  (Read 6920 times)

Danis Sis

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Finally claimed my loss
« on: December 23, 2007, 12:20:43 PM »
Hi!.  I am new to this site, much the same as I am new to my grief process.  My older brother, Dani died three years ago.  Sadly, I never greived his death, as I never felt I was allowed to.  I have only recently been able to acknowledge that I am entitled not only to believe that the loss is mine too but I can mourn in my own way and not be others standards. 

When he died, I went on autopilot to take care of his affairs, so that my parents would not need to.  Since then, I have acted (because it was "suggested" that I act so) fine and that I "had gotten over it," a little becuase my grief made others uncomfortable, but mostly becuase my father became severely depressed and I needed to take care of him to. 

Recently, one of many people mentioned to me that they "knew what I felt."  And something clicked inside me, and I finally claimed my loss.  I ended the relationship with that person, not only becuase they had no clue what I felt, but clearly they have not seen any aspect of me over the last three years.  I have been so lost for the last three years and apparently, those nearest to me have not noticed.  This being the case, I decided to take some time out and finally grieve my brother.  I no longer want to hide missing him or how I feel. 

I can imagine that most siblings have the same expereince - "its not their loss," so they should just get over and that adds to the tradegy of the loss of their siblings.  My heart bleeds for us, who have had our voices taken away from us. 


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Re: Finally claimed my loss
« Reply #1 on: December 23, 2007, 02:24:30 PM »
HI: I am so glad that you found webhealing and I know there will be many others who have lost siblings who will respond to you. This is such a caring place. I lost my dad, and immediately was thrust into the job of being caregiver for my elderly sick mom, and the stress has been unbelievable. I feel like I've aged 10 years in 2 1/2. It is so difficult when we have to keep plodding along with our own struggles, responsibilities and grief, as well as live their lives also. It is exhausting, but I will never regret it. I just wish she would be kinder to me at times. I am thinking of you, and also invite you to join us on the Main Board sometime as well. Love, Lonnie


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Re: Finally claimed my loss
« Reply #2 on: December 28, 2007, 04:29:19 PM »
Your post just makes me so sad for you.  I lost one of my brothers 11 years is your loss also.  I also lost my youngest son 4 years ago.

It is admirable that you stepped up to take care of your parents but you need to take care of you.  You are entitled to all your feelings and it hurts like heck to loss a brother.  It is so hard to wear that mask and try to make others feel comfortable.  So take off the mask and do whatever it is you need to do for you.  If your grief makes others uncomfortable then they need to move on down the road.

I post mainly on the child loss board and try to check here and the main board off and on.  This is a wonderful caring place and you are not alone.  Feel free to vent, rant, rave, whatever you need to do cause there are people here that will listen and truly do understand.

Philip's mom
Bruce's sister


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Re: Finally claimed my loss
« Reply #3 on: January 02, 2008, 09:00:50 AM »
Danis Sis,
I too believe I put a mask on for the loss of my brother 6 years ago.  When he died, I thought I had to fill his shoes & be my dad's best friend. I can't say what I felt for my mom---I guess I figured she had my dad but I needed to be the one for my dad.  I believe I accomplished that goal & became my dad's true daughter. We grew closer than we'd ever been in our lives those 5 years but then I lost him in a motorcycle accident on July 22---he died 18 days later in a trauma unit.  I then had to put on another mask for my mom this time.  I'll say it again & again---no one can understand how we feel unless they too have experienced the same loss!

When I lost my brother, I screamed on my hands & knees.  He was my big brother, my protector.  I never thought I'd deal with it.  Oddly enough, days go on & I was healing.  He came to me in a dream about 2 yrs after his death, & said "I'm okay".  He hugged me & walked into a fog! From that day on, I was okay too.  So after finally being able to deal w/that, I loose my dad & the process starts all over again!

I admire your words of "claiming your loss".  You do need time to deal with it yourself! I hope you take all the time you need!  Some of my closest friends ignore what I've been through & to me that's alright.  They don't understand as they've not experienced my losses!  But let no one tell me "I've accepted" my loss or I will let them see that I have not!  Keeping it all inside is the hardest thing I've ever done.  I let it out when & where I feel it's appropriate for me (whether it be in the shower, driving, or falling asleep)---take care of yourself!!
Dad & Keith,
Memories of you......I miss you both!
"Look Twice Save a Life"


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Re: Finally claimed my loss
« Reply #4 on: February 14, 2008, 10:48:05 AM »
While I was reading your story it was like reading my story, except I lost my sister 4 years ago, but I had to take care of my mom because she went down hill.  I will never say I know how you feel because everyone feels differently, but I understand what you are going through and what you had to deal with.  I am fianally starting to deal with my grief as well because I can finally take that mask off and get help.  Keep getting help and try not to push things aside, I know it's hard it's a daily struggle for me.  Hope to talk to you soon.  Lots of hugs and loves
Katty May


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Re: Finally claimed my loss
« Reply #5 on: February 14, 2008, 07:13:22 PM »
I think I undersand a little of what you say.  One of my brothers  died 20 years ago of a major heart attack.  It was a couple weeks before his 34 birthday. I was ten years older then he was and had been married over 20 years so I had the feeling I should not grieve.  I'm not sure how many years later my youngest brother killed himself. He had been diagnost with a mental illness and couldn't handle it. He was in his middle 30's. He was 5 yrs old when I got married so once again I had the feeling I should not grieve.  So i guess that now I grieve for all of them, my brothers,my mother and my husband.  It does take awhile when you put it off for so long.  Hang in there and keep coming back here, you will find what you need.              Meemaw