hmm where do i start?
been feeling like crap for the past 3 weeks, I expected some of it, but it has continued and gotten bigger and bigger.
The 2nd anniversary of Zac's death was on the 3rd of January. I had a nice day with the kids, movies etc .
we bought a cake (white chocolate mud cake with fresh cream) and as i handed it to them i said it was a celebration cake and to think of happy moments with Zac as we ate it
Not one family member or friend contacted me. Not even a sms text message. How hard would it have been for them to let me know that they haven't forgotten him.? I didn;t want any sympathy, just to know that he hasn't been forgotten.
I guess that at the core of my depression. They all think( though they never say it to my face) that its time to move on.
My grandfather passed away from a stroke just before christmas. It was a bit of shock. Unfortunately we had drifted apart as i got older, and i hadnt had any contact with him for nearly 10 years. He never met his 2 great grandchildren, he didnt come to my wedding . But i still have fond memories spending school holidays at his place. The place we would run to would be the macadamia nut tree. then straight under his house using the work vice to gorge ourselves on nuts.
He would always have minties somewhere.
I hate my job. I started looking for a new job before Zac died, but after the accident I stopped looking for a while. My company was very supportive during this time. The job itself is fine, but I've become bored and disinterested and it shows in my quality of work. and that bothers me more because I am a prfectionist and i don't like shoddy work. I just don;t have the passion for it anymore. It is also extremely underpaid for the hours that i work. I have applied for and got through to interview stage for a few jobs but nothing ever comes through.
I am sick of living financially from week to week. Each week having to put off bills. my credit rating is in the toilet. I couldn;t get a personal loan to save my life :
My personal car is off the road, my work car is a ute with 2 seats, so that if i want to take the kids anywhere , its either borrow my ex's car or make multiple trips.
We had to give up our two dogs which we got as grief companions, the real estate said we weren't allowed to keep them. and we couldnt afford to move to a place where we could keep them. Actually the real estate is being a bit ludicrous. we also have to get rid of our pet mice and even our fish tank.
all of this just adds up. I'm sure if was just one or two id be able to cope. please dont think this is a whinge, i'm just rambling. and hurting.