Author Topic: rambling - feel like crap  (Read 3913 times)

Aussie_dad

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rambling - feel like crap
« on: January 18, 2008, 03:23:22 PM »
hmm where do i start?
been feeling like crap for the past 3 weeks, I expected some of it, but it has continued and gotten bigger and bigger.
The 2nd anniversary of Zac's death was on the 3rd of January. I had a nice day with the kids, movies etc .
 we bought a cake (white chocolate mud cake with fresh cream) and as i handed it to them i said it was a celebration cake and to think of happy moments with Zac as we ate it
Not one family member or friend contacted me. Not even a sms text message. How hard would it have been for them to let me know that they haven't forgotten him.? I didn;t want any sympathy, just to know that he hasn't been forgotten.
I guess that at the core of my depression. They all think( though they never say it to my face) that its time to move on.
My grandfather passed away from a stroke just before christmas. It was a bit of shock. Unfortunately we had drifted apart as i got older, and i hadnt had any contact with him for nearly 10 years. He never met his 2 great grandchildren, he  didnt come to my wedding . But i still have fond memories spending school holidays at his place. The place we would run to would be the macadamia nut tree. then straight under his house using the work vice to gorge ourselves on nuts.
He would always have minties somewhere.

I hate my job. I started looking for a new job before Zac died, but after the accident I stopped looking for a while. My company was very supportive during this time. The job itself is fine, but I've become bored and disinterested and it shows in my quality of work.  and that bothers me more because I am a prfectionist and i don't like shoddy work. I just don;t have the passion for it anymore. It is also extremely underpaid for the hours that i work. I have applied for and got through to interview stage for a few jobs but nothing ever comes through.
I am sick of living financially from week to week. Each week having to put off bills. my credit rating is in the toilet. I couldn;t get a personal loan to save my life  : :-[ >:( My personal car is off the road, my work car is a ute with 2 seats, so that if i want to take the kids anywhere , its either borrow my ex's car or make multiple trips.
We had to give up our two dogs which we got as grief companions, the real estate said we weren't allowed to keep them. and we couldnt afford to move to a place where we could keep them. Actually the real estate is being a  bit ludicrous. we also have to get rid of our pet mice and even our fish tank. ???

all of this just adds up. I'm sure if was just one or two id be able to cope. please dont think this is a whinge, i'm just rambling. and hurting.



Zachary Evans 26-5-1992 to 3-1-2006


Kaitlyn (11),Jared (4),Harrison (13), Danae (7)
http://grievingparents.proboards70.com

Rebecca

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Re: rambling - feel like crap
« Reply #1 on: January 18, 2008, 04:44:52 PM »
I know we all go through these feelings, they are very normal.  Jason's 3 year anniversary of his death is coming up and I don't expect anyone to call of say anything.  I know that I am terrible when it comes to birthdays so I can never fault anyone for not remember Jason's anniv. date.  I am convinced that people just don't know what to do or say, which is not to excuse them to to cut them a little slack.  Maybe you might remind some who are so close to you of the exact date and ask for companionship, caring, talking on that day of days.  The people in my office are going to a conference on Feb 10 and asked if I wanted to go as well.  I said, no thanks... that is the day the coroner said Jason died and the l3th is when we found him.  I cannot be away that day.  They understood.  I know I would not want to be with them on those terrible days before and then the l3th but I also know that I will be the only one to cover the Court call and I will be very busy.  How can I do my work, concentrate and do what has to be done on the "l3th".  Well, I know I must and I will.  I can have my moments later when I get home.  I hope that there are people that you can count on and again, I believe that we have to ask for what we need.  I always try to be a mindreader for others and my expectation that they will do the same for me never pans out.   I hope for the best for you on this horrible jouney which will get softer but never get better.
Rebecca Jason's Mom

Landons Mom Shelly

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Re: rambling - feel like crap
« Reply #2 on: January 18, 2008, 05:41:43 PM »
Guess we've all been there having to deal with everything . . . seems like it all piles up at once when you just don't think that you can handle anymore!  >:(

I'm so sorry no one remembered to call on Zac's heavenly birthday, I know you feel like everyone else is able to go on with their lives as normal and wonder, "What the heck is wrong with you?  Why would you want to celebrate the day he died??  Can't you just move on and let him go???"  Well HELLLLOOO???  I do know exactly what you're feeling, wish I didn't but I do.  I don't understand how people can think that a year or two can make you miss him any less, but they just don't get it.  Only my true friends understand that I LOVE to talk about my Landon (& my soon-to-be ex hates it when I refer to him as my Landon, but he was and always will be my Landon!!), I love to hear his name (although it does make me cry sometimes & has only been 7 months since he left) I still want people to always remember every little thing about him, as you do with your precious Zac, what a handsome boy he is!  I'm so glad I was able to make a memorial webpage for my Landon, it makes me feel so much closer to him, were you able to do that for your Zac ??

Hold on, I've been through hell & back these past months and am still walking & talking !!!  Maybe you could find a new job, starting something new might be just what you need.  I'll be saying a prayer for you a your little ones (& of course your Zac too!!!) . . . take care . . .

Landon's Mom forever,

Shelly
Landon's Mom forever,

Shelly



My Precious Little Landon -- Forever in our Hearts        http://landon-greenan.gonetoosoon.org
August 1, 1995 - June 1, 2007

Wadesmom

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Re: rambling - feel like crap
« Reply #3 on: January 20, 2008, 04:57:17 PM »
 
I'm sorry you have so much to contend with.  It's so confusing,,,,,,,,,,,

 Yes, I do understand- you didn't really want any sympathy yet it  IS  nice to know that others are thinking of us just with a simple phone call or a signed "thinking of you " card,,,,,,,,,, it seems to help somehow to know that others continue to keep us in their thoughts and to know that our child has not been forgotten.

My thoughts are with you & Zac

Take care Zac's Dad

Wadesmom
« Last Edit: January 22, 2008, 08:33:14 AM by Wadesmom »

Karen Paul

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Re: rambling - feel like crap
« Reply #4 on: January 21, 2008, 07:11:24 AM »
I'm sorry I have no words of wisdom - just wanted to let you know i hear you and am so sorry for all the extra losses you have had to face since losing your precious Zac - it seems like for so many parents losing their child is just the first of many losses that happen in the years that follow - for some it is financial, for some marriages, and for others beloved animals or their own health - the loss of a child is so devestating it affects all aspects of life...

Please be patient with yourself and do take care of yourself. I do hope you can find a work situation that you like better. Whatever happens know that you are not alone. And on here your Zac will always be remembered and so will you...

luv and hugs, karen
Chris' aunt

Dottie (Tammie's Mom)

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Re: rambling - feel like crap
« Reply #5 on: January 22, 2008, 06:43:23 AM »
So sorry for all the problems you are having. Dealing with these life issues on top of grief is just so hard for us at times.

I am especially sorry you had to give your pets away as I know my dogs have truly been my best companions through this grief.

Hang on, BIG HUGS,
Dottie Tammie's Mom