Author Topic: Wel I went to work today  (Read 11461 times)

Louise

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Wel I went to work today
« on: December 08, 2006, 03:28:36 PM »
And i got Thur it.The Dr.increased my Prozac up to 40 mil,20 was just not cutting it.I am at least able to function a little better,but i still hate leaving my house.This from a person who was always on the go,and a ultra people person.Now I have to force myself to leave the house. :-[  People just don't realize that when you lose a child,when you lose a big piece of your heart.Your not just sad.it bleeds into every aspect of your life.you change so much.If anyone would have told me a year ago that I would be afraid to leave my house and see happy people on the outside,I would have laughed in their face.ME?Miss social,loving life,ton of friends,great kids.ME?It changes everything,but i did go to work today,Love,Louise[Keren's mom]

Valerie (Kyle's Mom)

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Re: Wel I went to work today
« Reply #1 on: December 08, 2006, 03:59:05 PM »
How did it go?

I jumped back to work so quickly, the first day back a few said that they thought I wouldn't be back, but many knew I was the same as you, a people person and very social.
Working has helped me, it's when I come home is when my depression is more severe.  God, how we try, don't we?

I do hope you found some comfort today. 

Valerie
Valerie R. Patton (Kyle Berry's Mom)
http://james-.memory-of.com

Louise

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Re: Wel I went to work today
« Reply #2 on: December 08, 2006, 04:45:38 PM »
Thank you Valerie,It went OK.Since keren died i just don't like going out.I feel safer in my home.I was NOT like this before.Now I think i could turn into a hermit as long as i have my computer.I just feel like i am not part of the real world now,like i am on the outside looking in,so instead of feeling like that i retreat to the safety of my house.in less then 9 months,I have completely changed as the person I had been for 48 years.Love always,Louise

Kyme jeffreys Mom

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Re: Wel I went to work today
« Reply #3 on: December 08, 2006, 04:58:30 PM »
Hi Louise


5 days after Jeff and  Tanya passed I went back to work, I had no choice, had no idea what to do, I know now I pay for it

but you take one step at a time, you will have great days and really bad days, but for some reason we make it

Still trying

Kyme "Jeffrey's Mom"
Kyme - a mom on a journey with no map



Louise

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Re: Wel I went to work today
« Reply #4 on: December 08, 2006, 05:05:30 PM »
Thank you kyme,I must say,your son Jeff is very handsome.{{{HUGS}}}Love,louise[keren's mom]

starynyte

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Re: Wel I went to work today
« Reply #5 on: December 08, 2006, 05:34:37 PM »
Hi Louise,

I so hope your 1st day back went well, as well as it could anyhow. I pray that the people there show you kindness and as much understanding as possible [for people that just don't really get it, cause they don't know what it's like to live in our shoes]

Working can be a positive thing, something that puts the structure and a bit of normalcy back into our lives, although trying to balance my grief AND work was reallly hard for me. The 1st year and a half, I couldn't work, at all. I tried a few days about a week or 2 [I don't remember] after Chris was killed, and I pretty much just sat there in a daze, then I just quit and lived off of my profit sharing from a company I had worked for, for 11 years. It was all the savings for retirement... allll gone. A month after Chris's death Fall semester began, and everyone strongly encouraged me to go back, so I did. I missed A LOT of classes, there were days I just couldn't force myself to do it, and I didn't care. It's a wonder I passed all my classes that semester and the next. I think they gave me the grade because they felt sorry for me... I was close with one of my instructors, and she made sure others knew about it, to be leinent on me I guess, which I'm so grateful for.

When I finally returned to work full time, it was SOOOOO hard, the typical questions, just being around people, driving, all of it, just stepping outside my front door gave me a panic attack! I came home one night, and saw my shadow on the front wall of my house as I crossed my front yard, and I about peed myself I was sooo scared! It took me a few seconds to realize it was my own shadow...

Then the sleep issues started, and I was allllways so tired, so much so I called out a lot [not good in the eyes of the boss man], and was sick all the time, bronchitis, reactive airway disease, colds, flu, you name it, I got it, and missed even more work. Back then, I couldn't allow myself to grieve, because I thought if I did, I would get lost in it for days, weeks, like I did that first 1.5 year. So I tried to turn it off, wear the mask, move on like everyone was telling me I needed to do, and it backfired on me big time. I got sooooo depressed, almost felt suicidal at times, but never really thought of it, just wanted to die...

Somehow I seemed to have learned to balance my grief and work now, I have no clue how I've accomplished this, perhaps through praying again, support from here, my friends, and the few family members that will listen, and taking time to feel my grief, and allow myself to release it when I need to... or maybe it's just the timing in my journey...

I hope your transition back to work is a calm one, that you are able to find some escape in it, a chance to feel normal again, YET still remember to allow yourself time when appropriate to grieve too. It's a tough thing to learn how to balance for sure!

Sending lots of hugs and wishes for peace in your heart.

Love Cherri

Louise

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Re: Wel I went to work today
« Reply #6 on: December 08, 2006, 06:15:48 PM »
Thankyou Cherri for your kind words.i have gone back to work before today,about 3 weeks after keren died,but the same thing happened to me.I just couldn't take it.seeing people just go on with thier everyday lives,smiling,joking ,talking about their children,I just wanted to scream,And I have always been the type of person that fit in.My whole life,always had friends,always was social etc.This was the first time I felt like i wasn't a part of this world anymore.My grief counselor says to me"Louise,keep busy,because you cant do two things at once,meaning I couldn't think about keren 24/7.But I can and I do!I'm so used to fitting in and being a part of this world for 48 years,that i can smile and says the right things,but the WHOLE time I am thinking about keren.So I stopped going into work during the week.I still kept my weekend job,but started back this week going in twice,so i still have 3 days off throughtout the week.And i am STILL so unbelievably tired,but the higher dose of Prozac has helped some.it is just that i have changed so much as a person and i know that is really hard for my two sons esp. my 17 year old who lives at home still.Here I was the outgoing supermommy and now i can barely function. :'( {{{HUGS TO YOU}}Love,always,Louise[keren's mom

faye

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Re: Wel I went to work today
« Reply #7 on: December 08, 2006, 06:29:58 PM »
Louise,

I think that most of us feel this way.  I also used to be outgoing and love to go out and do things.  Now, there are some days when I feel emotionally "frozen" and can't even step out of my house.  I think I am doing a little better, but I just don't enjoy the things I used to.  I am forever changed.  I did start working just a few hours a week for my dog's vet, and it does help my mind.  You are always in my thoughts and prayers, Louise.  Nothing is the same anymore.

Louise

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Re: Wel I went to work today
« Reply #8 on: December 08, 2006, 07:17:36 PM »
I know Faye,nothing is the same anymore. :'( But like you I love being around my animals.It gives me a certain peace and keren was the biggest animal lover i knew.{{{HUGS}}}Love,Louise[keren's mom]

starynyte

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Re: Wel I went to work today
« Reply #9 on: December 08, 2006, 07:38:37 PM »
it gets easier with time... little by little we learn to live this new life. For me it has gotten easier to deal with, especialy now that im working somewhere that has ZERO pressure or bull shit. I still realllly need my vedge time tho! when i get home, i dont want to go out, or blab on the phone, just peace n quiet to feel what i need to feel or nothing at all.

the simple fact that we get out of bed every morning is proof that we are trying our best, trying to find our way through this foggy nightmare

HUGS

MARTHA(CANDI'S AUNT)

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Re: Wel I went to work today
« Reply #10 on: December 08, 2006, 07:51:17 PM »
LOUISE,
    I USE TO LOVE PEOPLE TOO. NOW I DON'T GO OUTSIDE MY HOUSE UNLESS I HAVE TO. I QUIT WORK  3 MO. AFTER CANDI WAS HURT IN THE HORSE ACCIDENT. THEN WHEN SHE WAS KILLED MAY 13,2005. IT'S UNBELIEVEABLE HOW  I'VE CHANGED. I STAY IN MY ROOM MOST OF THE TIME. I FILED FOR DISSABILITY. IT WAS APPROVED THE SECOND TIME. NOT DUE TO PHYSICAL. THEY SENT ME TO A PSHYCOLOGIST. I WAS IN THERE ONE & A HALF HOURS.  I TALK TO ONE OF MY FRIENDS EVERYDAY. I MISS CANDI SOOOOOOO MUCH. MONDAY THE TRIAL STARTS.

I HOPE THIS TIME IS THE LAST TIME WE HAVE TO GO TO THE COURTHOUSE FOR THIS. I DON'T WANT TO SEE HIS FACE EVER AGAIN AFTER THIS IS OVER.

I DON'T HATE HIM ANYMORE. I WOULD DEFINATELY NEVER BE HIS FRIEND........

MARTHA

Joanie -----> Adam's Mom

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Re: Wel I went to work today
« Reply #11 on: December 08, 2006, 08:16:21 PM »
Quote
People just don't realize that when you lose a child,when you lose a big piece of your heart.Your not just sad.it bleeds into every aspect of your life.you change so much.

Louise, I've never seen it described so well!  It sure does BLEED into EVERY aspect of our lives!  I am going to borrow your description next time I try to explain it to someone.  What drives me crazy is that people think that this grief over losing a child can be compared to any other type of grief.  I myself always knew that once Adam was born my life was changed forever...but I never realized how my identity was changed and became so intertwined with his.  My therapist always says that I am not just going through grief and mourning, but also an identity crisis.  I often look at myself in the mirror and wonder who the hell I am now?


         Adam:  6/21/94 - 12/2/05
  ~~~Forever 11 years young in heaven~~~
                 I miss you, Pal

Louise

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Re: Wel I went to work today
« Reply #12 on: December 08, 2006, 08:21:58 PM »
I'm so sorry Martha,I can hear your pain in your words.It will be hard to go to the trial.You are in my thoughts and heart.Candi is so beautiful.I know you miss her so,just like I miss my keren{{{HUGS TO YOU}}}}Love,Louise[keren's mom]

Louise

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Re: Wel I went to work today
« Reply #13 on: December 08, 2006, 08:29:41 PM »
Joanie,that is so so true!Don't you love it when people say,OH I know how you feel,I lost my grandmother last year >:( i have written this before,but this is what i tell people that don't get it.I loved my dad,I had a great dad and when he died in 2001 I was sad,but compared to the loss of keren this is what i say.When my dad died the grief was like a drop in the ocean,when keren died it was the WHOLE ocean.i feel like i lost a big part of myself too.In a way we also morn the person we were,LoveLouise[keren's mom]

stella joshs mom

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Re: Wel I went to work today
« Reply #14 on: December 09, 2006, 12:43:09 AM »
My son Josh went missing July 13, 2005.  I hired many professionals to help us find him.  I had very little choice but to go back to work full time when school started a month later.(I work with Special Ed students at the High School here).  I knew I couldn't afford not to work.  It has taken its toll though.  I am so tired and irritable and sad, and anxious.  My memory is shot!  Maybe I would have felt this way even without working.  All I know is I am struggling more I think in this second year as I have found no resolution and am exhausted from the first year of controlled panic and now this year such deep sadness.  I get tired trying to be normal!  I get tired trying to fit in with Normal life and people.  I get exhausted trying to fit in when I drift between the normal world and some strange place of existance where I feel I am behind a mirror looking out but unable to interact with others  on the other side.  I too am forever changed and not who I used to be.  I am probably stubbornly trying to not take medication for any of this.  I have tried yoga, teas, vitamins, warm milk, counseling and I think part of why I may not sleep is because it self medicates me.  It has a numbing effect on the pain as I go through my day exhausted.  Weird huh?  I do worry about the long term effect from all this stress though.  Don't know what else to do though as I have no interest in anything either.  I can't believe though that all of you at this site feel so similar.  I feel like we are all in some strange plane of existence that is between where our kids are and where we used to be.  Is that where God puts mothers who have lost there children?  Why?  Its like being in limbo.  Will we always be there?  I want to be happy again.  How did the pioneers make it through this?  Without Meds or counselors?  I miss my son and I miss me.
Stella-Joshs mom :'( 


Josh and his little sister