THIS MASK

[sandy2]

hope you all dont mind, but i just had to vent a while. i dont have a counseler, so i`ll just lean on my friends if ya dont mind. i do go see a couseler next week . this is just so hard  having a mask on all the time when really the pain is so intense! i have AUSTIN, so my mask stays on . i am just in one of  them moods , i am so mad about life. why would people send me christmas cards , why do they ask how ya doing ? we had snow today ,SHANE would have been here bright & early with the blower , instead his 10 year old is shovling (having fun) but , its NOT RIGHT I WANT MY BOY BACK!!!! this holiday thing is awful, everyone is so hyper, excited , cooking , baking. omg there is just days i CAN`T DO THIS . i sleep with SHANE`S SHIRT everynight but the smell has wore off. . I NEED TO SMELL, TOUCH ,FEEL & JUST TALK TO HIM AGAIN. i guess ya`ll told me this was a tough journey, but can we ever imagine THE INTENSE PAIN !!!!! i had to go buy a tree for a cemetry plot?? :'(WHY? WHY? WHY? )i look at his pictures all the time , still in disbelieve they are so real. i just feel soooo LOST & LONLY!sorry just wanted to vent where i felt safe, try to get some of this anger out , its just not ME as a person. well it wasnt . so now i`ll go put my mask back on for the people around me, especcially AUSTY & he is such a joy & lifesaver. i think it was JUDY DOUGIES MOM says helladaze SO TRUE . but they cant be for AUSTIN . THANK-YOU ALL FOR HELPING ME GET THRU THIS JOURNEY , SURE IS A BUMPY ,CRAZY, TERRIBLE ROAD. we have a court date dec 18 at 8;30 a.m/  PLEASE PRAY FOR US & AUSTIN. ONCE AGAIN THANK-YOU ALL FOR YOUR SUPPORT & EARS , YOU HAVE BEEN SUCH A BLESSING !!! LOVE SANDY SHANE`S MOM. SHANE I MISS YOU MORE EVERYDAY, WATCHING THIS BOY TO GROW UP & BE LIKE DADDY , I WILL LOVE YOU MORE & MISS YOU MORE EVERYDAY . LOVE YOUR MOTHER ALWAYS ( god to just hear him say mom again )LOVE YOU FOLKS

[Lonnie]

Sandy: You expressed it all so well. I am so sorry for all the pain you are going through, and for a world that barely pauses to recognize your tremendous grief. You are an amazing woman, and Austin is so blessed to have you in his life. I will be thinking of you as you approach those court days. I know the stress of that hangs over you constantly also. Let's believe that it will turn out as it should, and Austin will be with you always!  You are such a dear, sweet lady. I have enjoyed getting to know you better on the Main Board also. I know that so many of the parents on this board can comfort you best in this season. I just wanted to let you know that you are in my prayers and thoughts! Love, Lonnie

[Dena]

(((((((((Sandy)))))))) - I am thinking of you.

I think people send cards and try to do the "normal" thing because they are at a loss.  If they don't send a card, they might be afraid you would think that they are not thinking of you. 

I know you want your wonderful Austin back and I wish so badly he were there with you.  The holidays, or helladays as so many see them are a time that wreaks havoc on the grieving.  This is the best place to come to vent & cry.  We all understand.

Do only what you feel like doing this season. Don't push yourself to go above and beyond.  And know above all, that you are not alone.  We are all here for you.

Love,
Dena, Josh's Mom

[ldmoody]

I hear you Sandy,  I am so sorry you are feeling all the pain and heartache...  I cry inside my soul for you as we all have masks we put on everyday at work, at home, around events.....  We can never understand the pain and ache we feel and how to deal with it.  We take one day at a time and every step we make is a very uncomfortable journey.  I don't enjoy getting a Xmas tree for my son's resting place either and tomorrow I will go to the chapel where his service was held and join others who lost their love ones.  We will each bring an ornament to share on a tree that they provide for the service.

On December 10th we will go to my son's resting place this time for his birthday he would have been 24 years old. With our family and friends we will do 24 white/blue balloon release and have anyone that want to write on these balloons will do so.  We will have a little cake and candle lit that day for him. 

Yes it is very hard but I have to do these things and it hurts my inner soul very much.  I am trying to be strong and pick up all the pieces of our broken hearts. Every single day we have to try.

We come here to this web page and share our feelings because this is like our second family where comfort is always here and everyone listens. I don't like December at all ever since Russell boy past on but I have to do what I need to do. 

My prayers and thoughts are with you and your family for they will need you to be strong for them no matter what arises.

Hugs...
Lisa

[Brenda(Jessica's Mom)]

Ah the mask. The mask that has attached itself so well that it might tear away what is left of our souls if we ripped it off. Wearing that all the time. Dont know how to live without it anymore. This journey has all but exausted me. I feel your pain dear friend.

[Karen Paul]

Oh Sandy - I'm so sorry my friend - I remember feeling like it was a slap in the face that everyone around me was so excited for the holidays - how could they go about their holidays as if nothing had happened? How could the world just continue on as usual?! Chris was dead! I remember that first couple of years being so so hard - raw and empty

I remember about a week after Chris passed, his mom said it was the longest she had ever gone without talking to him, I'm sure Brian felt that way too... the silence of his absence was deafening - and as a parent, I'm sure the physical absence of touch, site and sound must be so so so hard -

Know that you are in my heart - one day, one moment, one breath at a time is all there is sometimes -

luv and hugs, Karen

[Dottie (Tammie's Mom)]

Hi, Sandy,

I feel your pain and truly understand about the Christmas cards. I hate getting them too, I toss them in the garbage. But I do agree most people don't want us to think they are not thinking of us, even if it is just for the moment they are addressing the card.

That MASK, I think we all have learned to wear it too good. I call it my MASK of ARMOUR. Thats how it feels.

Our lives will never be the same, others don't and can't understand unless they are on this journey too. The pain is always with us. As Karen said I know in my house the SILENCE OF HER TAMMIE"S ABSENSE IS ECHOING everywhere. It is so very hard.

Know I care and wish I could do more,
Hugs,
Dottie Tammie's Mom

[Aussie_dad]

I understand completely. I wrote this poem a while back when I was having one of those days.

Costume

I wear a costume
Its the perfect disguise.
No-one can see the real me inside.

People see my costume,
they see the strong man
They ask me how I am, and I say that I'm fine
I really have them fooled

Inside I am screaming
but they can't hear me.
They hear my words and they believe me.
They don't question me, probe me to find the truth.
They don't want to know the truth.

I am searching for answers to questions I don't know.
What am I looking for?
Inside, I want to run away and hide forever

The costume is so heavy
I feel its weight crushing me
Somedays I can barely lift it.
It surrounds me, smothers me.

My friends and family don't ask how I am anymore.
They can see that I am coping
They can see that I'm strong.
I really have them fooled.

Leif Kelly

[WendyRN]

Hi Leif.... Except for the "man" part, didn't I write that poem?  Well, maybe its just every thought I've been thinking.  I love your poem.  My son, Keith, has only been gone 4 months yesterday and yet I am already starting to get the "you've got to buck up" expressions.  I do display my mask/costume most of the time.  Even usually for my own family.  If we have to suffer such a loss and feel such pain, why oh why are we condemned to have to hide it and pretend the Earth is still turning on its axis?

Sandy, vent away.  I hope your approaching court date gives you the peace you seek.  I agree with what has been commented on about Christmas cards.  Our family and friends just don't know what to do with us.  What if a request was made to forego a greeting card and to put $5 in Shane's name to the Salvation Army kettle or something like?  I am reaching out to you, Sandy, and sharing my strength and hopes for a moment of happiness today and every day throughout this very difficult month of December.

Wendy, Keith's mom.

[sandy2]

THANK-YOU EVERYONE FOR YOUR REPLIES.guess im just overwhemed with everything around us as is everyone else. the poem was fabulous & isnt it  so sad its so true . WE &OUR FAMILIES are the only ones that will NEVER EVER FORGET OUR BABIES TOTALLY !!! .once again thank you to everyone. MAY PEACE & STRENGTH BE WITH YOU THIS SEASON & ALWAYS . LOVE SANDY SHANES MOM