Feeling alone

[SadCat777]

Hi,

Does anyone else ever feel alone in their grief? I feel like my husband always makes me feel worse after talking to him about how I'm feeling, rather than I did if I didn't talk to him about my feelings. I tell him that I'm sad and that I'm having a really hard time(it's only been two months since my mom passed unexpectedly). He has nothing to say, no advice to give, so here I am again on my computer at 9:30 PM looking for comfort. How sad.

I was telling my therapist that his coldness is making me start to resent him. He says that he's there for me, but it sure doesn't feel like it. I feel as if I am all alone. I have a really good support system of good friends, but shouldn't I be getting it from my husband too? These past few weeks he hasn't asked me how I was, how I'm feeling, nothing. Thanksgiving was so hard, and he didn't say a word about anything until I brought it up.

Like tonight, I told him that I'm sad. He asks, "About what?". It's amazing how odd of a question that is. About what? What does he think?!!!   

Anyway, thanks for letting me vent. I guess that I will get all of my support from my friends and family, but shouldn't my husband be my main supporter of all people???

I miss my mom so much. I feel so bad for my dad. He seems so lost without my mom. They would have celebrated their 50 year Wedding Anniversary this June.

Candice

[momofwatsonx]

Candice,

I am so sorry to hear of your lost... I haven't lost my parents yet, but i lost my 18 year old son 18 months ago...... my husband is his step dad...... he had his grieving time, and then it was time to move on...... I still haven't moved on....... When i start crying he makes the commit  "Oh great here we go again"....... I would become even more upset with him because of his heartlessness, so one day I was really down and he said he was worried about me, and I said yeah right your just affraid i might start crying, I said what is your deal with me crying and grieving my son...... He said thats not it, It is just when you cry or you are really depressed i feel helpless and don't know what to say or do..... He said i just assumed that you would be ok by now, I gave him a hard look and said, 11 years ago when your mom passed away, what did you do?  I said you spent 2 years drinking all the time and complaining that you never told your mom you forgave her for place you'll in the childrens home for 7 years.....I said you still to this day have not gotten over your moms death so tell me how in the hell do you think I can get over my son.... my baby i carried for 9 months and raised for 18 years..... TELL ME HOW??

After that he has really opened up with me and accept the fact that i will grieve for myson for the rest of my life, there no getting over it, just like theres no getting over his mom....

Talk to him and tell him that you really need him, and if he keeps pulling away that you are worried that it might put a strain on your marriage.

I hope everything works out, and we are here for you, when ever you need us....
sending you a big (((((((HUG)))))))

Virgie   Josh's mom

[Lonnie]

Candice: Virgie gave such a heartfelt answer, and I know she is right that she will grieve her son forever.
I am also finding that men don't grieve in the same way that we do. And it is true, that most of them don't seem to know how to comfort us. I know I have felt very alone at times in the grieving of my dad, and stepdad (he was my dad since I was 7). It seems like they die, and we go through the motions of the funeral, completely in shock, and then the rest of the world just so quickly moves on. And we are left thinking is that all there is? A person I loved is missing, and that's it? This society sure has a weird take on grieving. We don't allow enough time even for the initial phase, must less the continual loss we feel.
I think Virgie is also correct when she says to talk to him about it. Even if he never responds exactly the way you need him to, at least he will know that you do need him to be there for you, and to try and understand. I agree the question he asked. "About what?" is just unbelievable. But honestly, men are different. Maybe its not that they don't care, it's just that they are so used to fixing everything, and you can't fix a broken heart. And men (and some women) tend to just push down the pain, and not acknowledge it.
I am so very sorry for all the hurt and loss you feel. Sometimes we just have to come here and talk to those who do understand. I am writing a blog, and tonight I wrote about watching my mom's mental capacities fade. There is a song that I chose to go with it by Celine Dion. It's called "Goodbye Is the Saddest Word", and she's singing it to her mama. If you would like to watch it, here's my blog.
http://sparkle333.wordpress.com/
Just know that I am keeping you in my thoughts and prayers, and I truly understand what you're saying. Hugs-Lonnie

[kelly37]

Candice,
I totally understand exactly how you're feeling.  My dad died from a motorcycle accident last Aug & only a couple years prior to loosing my dad--I lost my brother the same way.  My dad was only 65 and he & my mom were to celebrate their 45th anniversary last Sept (but he didn't make it).  Actually the last picture taken of my mom & dad together were 4 weeks before the accident at the church they got married in.  My sister & I were going to have the church hand painted for them so they were there taking pics to give us!!

Sorry I got off subject!  My husband sounds just like yours.  We try to take walks nightly & I remember a specific beautiful night saying "I'm sad" & he said "about what?"    I wanted to shake him & say "are you kidding me!" 

He so doesn't understand the grieving process or how it feels to loose a loved one.  So therefore I choose not to talk about the sadness & pain w/him.  If I did, we'd end up in an argument.  I have learned to talk here to my computer to vent when needed.  I have no friends that have experienced my loss either so that makes it even harder. I have found my comfort here on the computer talking/sharing on this site where we all understand each other's pain to some point.

It is very frustrating when our other half doesn't understand.  I get angry when I see him so happy w/his complete family.  If I get sad (esp around holidays) he doesn't get it.  If I cry, he looks at me like I'm weird & his facial expression says why aren't I over it! Then I feel embarrassed.  Well I'll never get over it.  The day he looses ones of his parents or sibling I will be there for him.  Until then, he doesn't get it & I accept that.  I could hit him over the head w/a brick & he wouldn't get it.  So I say to myself "he's never experienced the loss" and I move on.

I hope this helps. You're not alone. It is frustrating; it is tough on the marriage. There is resentment.  All of my feelings are just like yours!  I don't feel bad for feeling this way about him; I just assume it's my new normal!

I hope you have a better day today!
Kelly

[jazzgirl]

I can say I have felt like that as well. I always had my family, but they lived a few hours away and a hug wasn't available when needed. My husband, like yours, just wasn't someone I could go to about when I was sad. I would just start crying and go into another room and grab a picture of my brother and stare at it. My kids would see my crying and were able to lift me back up.  I am very blessed to have the children I have. All 3 have such big hearts and are so caring.  It's nice to have this website to go too when feeling that way though. They all give such good hugs via email  .

Jazzgirl

[Lonnie]

Jazzgirl: Here comes one now: (((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Jazz))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

[sandy2]

((((ECHO,ECHO,ECHO))))

[Lonnie]

LOL@ Sandy!!!!

[knucklesmom]

Candice,

Boy, do I hear what you're saying!  My husband was the exact same way.  I know he loved my Mum, he cried the whole time as I read the eulogy at her funeral, and in the 17 years we've been together that's only the second time I've seen him cry.  But, the next day, he got up and was on with life.  I actually envied that.

I tried not to hold his 'lack of understanding' for my pain against him.  I knew deep down that he wanted to help be but didn't know how, so he avoided it.  Little did he know, there was absolutely nothing he could do to 'fix' it, but a nice big hug sure would have helped.  Also, I could have told him that.

My counselor asked me about my support system, and when I didn;t mention my husband, she asked me why.  I told her pretty much the same story that you posted and she explained it to me.  She actually got into the science of it which at the time I understood.  something about men are analytical thinkers and women are emotional thinkers.  Men analyze and deal with a situation pretty much on the spot, where as a woman must analyze it, disect it, think about it and try find a reason for it and solve it.  She also told me that neither way was wrong, it's just the way it is.  Once I understood this, I talked to my husband about it and through our conversation discovered that she was pretty much right. 

I've also tried to be more open with my husband and he surprised me by being receptive.  Maybe yours would be too.  And I did feel all alone in my grief, until I found this website.  I had already decided to get counseling, but, the people here truly gave me the first sense of real hope that I wan't alone and that I could deal with my grief.

Hugs
Heidi

[jazzgirl]

You guys are great!!! (((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((())))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

[Crushed]

My hubby was like that in the early years of our marriage and would tell me he didn't know what to do to help me. I thought it was because he came from an abusive, neglected back ground.... not knowing then that it is a gender difference. I learned to tell him what I needed and he gave it to me. Maybe they just need a little push from you. My hubby would say to me, "I'm not a mind reader!"  Now that I need him the very most, I have to figure this out by my self with my girls' as he is the one we are mourning.  LOL

[patty]

Hi, sometimes I used to feel like you do, alone and that my husband wasnīt giving me the emotional support I needed.  He would listen (while doing something) and I would get mad.  If I got on his case he say "Iīm here, isnīt that enough?"
   Well, now heīs gone and I am really alone.  I never expected he would die young and that I would ever be alone as he was always so much more fit than me, I always expected Iīd die first.  I really know now what lonliness is, Iīd give anything to be if he was here and I could be chattering away at him as I did all the time.  I didnīt know how good I had it.  I donīt have any friends nearby, am lucky to see one a week.  And I donīt have a therapist to listen either.  I live alone and itīs so sad, thereīs nobody to share memories with, nobody ever calls to ask how how I am.  I call friends long distance to talk, I have to.
   I sometimes think like Iīm in solitary confinement, or maybe purgatory.  Do you remember the movie 2001, when the astronaut is alone in that cold bedroom aging, just waiting for the end, thatīs how it feels.
   Not all guys can express themselves, if he is THERE then be glad for that.  Go to him and just give him a hug.  I miss my husband so much i can hardly bear it.  Patty

[sandy2]

PATTY,i am so sorry for your pain & loniness. thanks for opening my eyes to something to give thanks for. you are in my thoughts . please share with us we are here for you . lov SANDY SHANES MOM

[Lonnie]

Patty: I am thinking of you, and sending you hugs.  We're here for you! Lonnie

[Crushed]

Patty, I am so sorry that you are so alone on this journey. I am glad that you can reach out to friends.... to bad they don't live closer. You have friends here that will listen any time.