Back to work????

[WendyRN]

Just wondering if, when, how everybody managed to get back to work?  Did it make the everyday life somewhat easier or worse?  Since August 6th, I've been using up my sick days but that has now come to an end and I'll have to apply for a government benefit (unemployment sick leave).  Money will be very tight.  I am terrified of going back to work.  Firstly, of dealing with co-workers who as wonderful as they are will all have to know "how I'm doing" and then sneak looks at me to see if I'm falling apart at any given moment.  I'm an RN working on a labour/delivery floor and fear my forgetfulness and lack of concentration won't allow me to do this work.  I don't know how I will do 12 hour shifts, including nights.  I feel so burnt out doing NOTHING.  This overwhelming sadness draws so much energy. 

My husband has been back working since the beginning of September, after using up his holiday time, and yelled at me last week, asking, "When I'm going back to f-----g work?"  I don't know how he could be so hurtful.  That remark will go in the "never to be forgotten" corner of my mind.  Part of me wants to never return....thinking, how could I? (And now out of spite!)  I spend all day, every day looking at Keith's pictures, daydreaming of him, listening to the music we picked out for his service and the gathering after at our house.  Every moment revolves around  Keith.  How can I give that up?  And yet how can there be some beginning steps until I do?  I hate this.  I hate this club.  I don't want to be here.  If only.......

Wendy, Keith's mom.

[sandy2]

WENDY,i never feel like i have any answers just being fairly new myself. but i was a club manager at a moose lodge (bartendar) for 24 years. i quit my job the day i received my phone call . i applied for unemployment , got turned down several times even with a dr., slip. you have to be willing able & capable of looking for work.well i wasnt capable, i live in ohio may be different else where. i just knew i wasnt ready to go back to work with the public or that kind of envirment , i outgrew 10 yrs ago anyway. finacilly now its time to go , not sure where , or what. but i do have to find something,its been 22weeks. cant say im ready ,but really will we ever be ? but i feel for my self ive got to try. wish i had ansewers for you , but what ever feels right for YOU,YOU,YOU . i wish you well on this journey we dont want to be on .peace, strength,& lov. LOVE SANDY SHANES MOM

[Marylou]

WendyRN, I just went back and read your post of what happened to your Keith. I also lost my first born and only son, his name was Keith, like your Keith he was killed in a motorcycle accident. I got the call that no parent wants, on June 30, 01 and it still rings in my ears.
On going back to work?? It took me 6 weeks, my husband went back sooner, I guess he needed to go, but it was soooo hard for me. I was a Librarian and I think dealing with the public like you and kids, it is more difficult. Since then Aug.09-06, I also lost the love of my life for 47 years to another terrible motorcycle accident, going back to work-----it was not for me. I tried and I just fell apart, couldn't do the job any more. I had a very understanding board (Bosses) they wanted me to take leave and decide later. I just didn't have the drive in me and I knew I could not do the job as I once did.
I had people tell me, take your time it will get better, I couldn't do it. I am not sorry that I didn't take their advice, I think it should be totally up to you and only you. You will know when and if, you can give your all to your job. You have a job needs your all! I hope this helps and I do know what you are facing, do what feels right. You have been through sooo much!
I am with you on this club, we get our member ship unwilling and it is one we HATE!
Wishing you hope and praying things get better!
Give yourself time, TIME is really the answer!!!
Marylou

[Kathy]

Dear Wendy,

I went back to work six weeks after the death of my son, Don. He was 16 years old and killed in a car accident on Oct. 2, 2004. I teach school. I started back part time for several weeks and then full time. I had a great principal and coworkers. All of my students knew Don and I can't tell you how much that helped me.

My job helped me survive and it still helps me today. I teach in the same classroom that Don was a student in during 4th grade. In order to make it through the day I did things to help me. During lunch time I would walk the track for 15 minutes. When my students were at a special class (music, art etc.)I would listen to soothing music. I didn't do any special after school activities. I eased back into the routine.

I knew that if I didn't go back when I did I would never go back. I did what was right for me. I hope you find what is right for you.

Kathy-Don's Mom

[Penny - Sean's Mom]

I made a couple attempts to go back to work in the first few weeks after Sean's death.  The first time I lasted all of 2 hours before I literally ran for the elevator.  The next time I lasted a bit longer but I knew I wouldn't be doing anyone any favors by staying at that point.  I finally went back after 10 weeks but with the understanding that if I needed to I would leave at any given moment.  I made a promise to myself that when I felt that "gotta get out of here" feeling I would ignore it for 15 minutes and try to work through.  If after 15 minutes I was still consumed by the need to leave then I would.  I did end up leaving a few times but not more than I can count on one hand.   I also gave myself permission to cry in front of my co-workers.  If it made them uncomfortable I decided it was their problem, not mine. 

I won't say it was easy and looking back I probably should have stayed home a bit longer but honestly I didn't know what else to do at that point.  I was lucky(?) enough to have a manager in my area that had lost her 22 yo son the year before and she helped me understand that it wasn't crazy to cry all the way to work and all the way home.  That it was okay to excuse yourself and cry in the bathroom for an hour if you needed to.   It was okay to know that you were completely different now but not everyone understood that. 

My biggest challenge was a lack of focus (but I'm in sales so that kinda goes with the territory sometimes) and lack of motivation.  I just didn't care enough to care if that makes sense.   I lasted another 10 months in a fairly toxic work environment before I left a triple digit income to start my own business.   Haven't seen a paycheck since but it was the right decision for me.  The money will come and in the meantime I can heal on my terms - even if that means digging in my yard instead of calling clients because I'm having a bad "Sean day." 

Sorry for rambling.  I guess my answer is to test the waters if you can and go from there.  There were mornings that the only reason I got out of bed was because I knew I had to go to work.  I think that was a blessing.

Wishing you peace...

Penny - Sean's Mom

[momofwatsonx]

WendyRN, first let me say i am sorry you are a member of this club!!!! I don't want to be here myself, but for some unknown reason we are members and can't change that.

WORK..... that is a tough one, I lost my son Josh on May 26, 2006 that day was just like any day at work, I work for a flower shop, I was a designer and a wedding consultant... I set down and planed the wedding flowers and center pieces with the bride and then i designed it, delivered and set up.... I loved my job..... I was working on a wedding for the 27, and was so busy that i never relized that my son didn't call me around 4..... I talked to him at 11 am
and told him to be home for his little sister around 4, my oldest daughter had her and ended up droping her off at my job, thinking that Josh might want to sleep since he had to work that night, he was a prison guard and only 18......  I was so consumed in my work.....
FOR THIS I WILL ALWAYS FEEL GUILTY!!! 

when i got home around 6 and seen Josh wasn't home I started calling his cell phone, no answer, then it was shut off... while leaving him a message I got a beep, It was the Harris
County Morque, looking for a family member of a JOSHUA LEE WATSON, she told me that at
3:03 he was killed in a car wreck.... THIS HAUNTS ME TO THIS DAY!

My boss said take as much time as you need, to this day I still haven't went back to work, how can i design flowers for someone else wedding and never get to do my sons?  and having to do funeral flowers, there is just no way i can handle that right now......

I ran into one of the bosses, and he asked me how i was doing and I said Well I still breakdown and cry everday, I still think of Josh and that this is a dream and he will be home soon,  to my surprise He looked at me and said "Girl you need to get some help, you should be over it by now"    How dare him, he has no ideal what i am going through, so like i said
I still havent went back to work, I still have keys to both flower shops but I don't think I will ever go back!!!!

My husband is being supportive, he did once tell me that i needed to go back to work, and I looked at him and said " I lost my son, you lost your stepson, he has raised Josh since he was 4..... If it was your son tell me could you go back to work already, when your mom died you went on a drinking binge for a year,   THIS IS MY CHILD, MY ONLY SON SO DON'T TELL ME S**T ABOUT WORKING.

After that and all the medical problems I have been have related to Josh's death, he doesn't mention work.

It is a difficult decission that we all have to make, sooner or later, i wish you the best in making yours,

virgie
JOSH"S MOM

[lwuest]

WendyRN,

First let me say I am so very very sorry for the loss of your son, Keith.  This is an exclusive club that none of us want to be in....the membership fee is waaaay too high!

The question of going back to work is such a hard one and has to be a personal decision.  It is so difficult to move out of our "safety zone", whatever that area is.  The decision to go back to work, unfortunately, has to be based on the question of "how long can we afford to go without my income?'  Yep, that sucks.  In noticed in your profile that you are from Canada.  Here in the US, most companies give us 3 days as bereavement.  I won't even go into how I feel about that!
  
My son died in February of this year in a car accident.  I tried to go back to work after six weeks.  I had a pretty demanding job in sales and I just simply could not cope!  I was fortunate and found a great therapist who got me qualified for short term disability for six months....but it's over now.  

You have probably already looked into this, but is there a possibility you could go back to work on a part time basis, just to see how it would work out for you?  As far as your co workers go, yes, they will look at your weird, because, really, they don't know what the hell to do.  We are their worst nightmare!  They look at us and wonder what they would do if they lost a child.  But, after the first few times you show up at work, they will respond to whatever "vibe" you give them.

You have a very demanding job.  I can understand why you would worry about giving your all and not missing any important details.  Is there any special friend at work who could sort of "shadow" you for a bit?  

Now, as far as your hubby, my initial reaction is that I just want to punch him in the nose!  But, is it possible he is just grieving in his own way?  Men and women really do handle this differently.  

Wendy....I guess my response to your question is that you might as well try to go back to work in whatever "best situation"you can negotiate.  You have already had the worst thing in the world happen to you.  so, if you go back to work and it doesn't work out.....then you will figure it out from there.

I wish you the best, Linda

[Karen Paul]

Wendy - I'm so sorry for the loss of your precious son Keith. As others have said this is such an individual thing. I am not a parent but an aunt so I'm not sure my thoughts are very helpful. I only took three days off when Chris died. When I went back to work it was very hard - and my attention was not really there for a long long time..

My brother took about 6 or 8 weeks I think. Chris died Nov 12 and I think he went back after New Year's. He works on a child abuse hotline so I was very worried about this - but he "needed" to go back to work and seems to be able to "separate" the work issues pretty well - I guess that is a thing social workers are more able to do perhaps. He works alot and I think it keeps him busy which he seems to really need. Chris was his only child - and he has since split from his wife (Chris' step-mom) so he is all alone now - I think the work lets him not think too much about it (not sure if this is good or bad)..

Chris' mom - I'm not sure how much time she took - she works in an office where her boss is pretty toxic but she has at least one nice co-worker who has been a godsend.. she has been very up front with every one from the beginning about what her needs are and that she will be taking time off for certain dates (always takes Chris' birthday and his death day off). So she sort of established this from the beginning. It is easier perhaps to do that when you work for a small company than a large one.

I wonder if there is any flexibility with your job. Could you start part time instead of going immediately back to 12 hour shifts (that seems unrealistic)? Could your duties be altered for a while to accommodate attention and memory issues - this is a real problem for all who are grieving - and even I found just patience - I had no patience with stress -

I think my brother really needs to be "doing something", activity is the key for him.. staying busy is what he needs... I needed more down-time myself - some days I would have panic attacks and have to walk out of the office - some days I would come in before every one else and just cry for an hour in the bathroom..

It is not easy - but I think it does help to have a reason to get up every day - and allows focus on something outside ourselves, which is good sometimes - but it has to be flexible I think -

I'm so sorry you have to do any of this - it is all so impossibly hard.. but you will find a way I know you will..

hugs, karen
Chris aunt

[Wadesmom]

Wendy, Keith's mom,

I believe that it is different for each parent/aunt. Only YOU know what you are and are not capable of doing at this time.  You have a very demanding job where other people's lives are effected by the decisions you make, I would need someone to shadow everything I did.   My attention span is very short and If I really need to focus on something it is mentally exhausting for me to keep up this pace. You  need to do what is right for you. Some of it depends on your personality as well.  I believe it's an individual decision.

Please take care of yourself.

Wadesmom

[Karen Paul]

Wendy - I would also suggest perhaps you look at the Compassionate Friends website (www.thecompassionatefriends.com) - there is a link to TCF brochures and there is a brochure called "When an Employee is Grieving the Death of a Child" and there is one called "When a Coworker is Grieving the Death of a Child" - I wonder if it might be helpful to print these out or email them to your employer to start the discussion of how to come back..

Just a thought I had this morning..
luv, Karen
Chris' aunt

[~Dee]

Wendy, I'm so sorry for the loss of your son.  Going back to work is such a difficult,  individual decision.  You need to do what you feel you CAN do.

 It's 10 years for me now, and, when I look back, I see that both the job, and more importantly, the people you will be surrounded by will play a big role in how you are able to function as an employee.
Are your bosses and co-workers supportive?  Will they help you, or make you feel worse? Are you someone who is able to immerse yourself in work?

These sound like tough questions, but, believe me, they do come into play in your decision.  In addition, the job you return to may not be the job for you any longer, and, you may decide to look for something different.

My experience was more negative than most.  I worked for a screaming tyrant. who, the day after we buried our daughter, called and pressured me to return to my part-time job (SOMEONE has to do your job!), and kept pushing me until I collapsed in tears on my kitchen floor.  I ended up taking 6 weeks, then returning for about a year.  Co-workers were not only unsupportive, some were downright rude and hurtful.  After I also lost my Mom, it became unbearable.

I moved on to a different full-time job, but found I could not handle it. By some twist of fate, another grieving mother whom I had met at a Compassionate Friends meeting also worked there.  I was only a couple of weeks into it when my boss, and the other person's supervisor had a discussion (with me working in the same room) about how a year had been long enough for her to have gotten over it, and they were "sick" of her using it as an excuse to get out of work.  They insisted she would have to stop scheduling counseling sessions during the work day.  That, combined with other on the job issues told me to move on.

I floundered for 6 months, then found a job that I loved.  The people were supportive, I liked the work, and I immersed myself in it.  Then I became a workaholic.  After 9/11, I started to feel again, and questioned what I was doing, and why.  A few months later, I hit the wall and came home.  Although I've had a few short-term jobs since, I found that it is harder to go out there.  People want to know what you have been doing, and, they put a low premium at staying at home when you have no young children to care for.

I didn't mean to give you my whole story.  I just wanted you to know that it is not a decision that you make and have to stick to, just because others think you should.  Do what you feel you need to do, and eventually, you will find your way to what you want.

Hugs,

Dee

[luckyladyb]

I'm fortunate in that I don't work. I stopped about four years ago with health issues.
My husband went back to work about five weeks after our son died. He actually felt like it was good for him.  He was forced to focus even though it was hard.
He actually had a difficult time with a couple of customer visits after he went back. When they would express sympathy or mention the situation, it was hard for him to stay composed.
He worries that I don't get out enough.  I'm comfortable at home because I don't have to worry about someone asking about children or running into someone that doesn't know and having to tell them.
I agree that it's individual.  I also don't know how I would get through a day on the job when I have trouble getting through a trip to the grocery store!
Jason's Mom, Bonnie

[lainie]

Wendy -
I don't really have any advice for you.  Just want you to know that I am facing the same thing.  My disablity benefits are coming to an end, so I will be back to work in a couple of weeks.  I too am terrified!  I work as a pharmacy technician and I'm so afraid of making a terrible mistake with someone's medication or something.  Also nervous to be with my co-workers, and some new people hired on there this year.  Unfortunately, I have no choice.  I was a single parent, and Brynn was my only child so I don't have anyone to help to support me financially.  Why don't we try to get through this together?  Feel free to email me, if you like.  I'm certainly thinking about you.
-Elaine, Brynn's mom

[Dottie (Tammie's Mom)]

I think we are all different that is for sure.

I lost my Daughter Tammie Sept 14,2005, she was my only child and my reason to get up each day.

I actually went to alot of counseling in the beginning but felt I needed to do more to survive each day. I bought a Beauty Salon and work a 6 day week to keep my mind busy otherwise I would have probably already joined my daughter. There are difficult days around the Holidays when everyone is talking about their families, but for the most part it has helped me get to 26 months today without my daughter.

Good Luck and HUGS for this journey ,
Dottie Tammie's Mom

[WendyRN]

Thanks to everybody for taking the time to add your input.  If any body has any tips that made life a little easier at work, I'm listening. 

My dear friends tell me to take my time and I'll know when its right.  My mother-in-law asks me the same question first off every time I see her, "Are you back to work yet?"  My own mother started to explain to me how she thinks it would be best if I got back to work, to fill the days, etc.  I know she wants what is best for me, but she doesn't know.  All of her children are still living.  I'm afraid I kind of snapped at her a little and hurt her feelings. 

Sandy2 - I hope you find some employment that suits you and that you learn to love.  Marylou - I'm so sorry for the added devastation of losing your husband.  Virgie - Is it possible, when you're ready, that landscape design in some form might suit you? By the way, I especially like the picture of your Josh in the striped shirt!  Linda - In Canada, we also have 3 days compassionate leave only, but can have a year off with each maternity leave???  Karen - I'm going to check into Compassionate Friends for the info you suggest.  Thanks. 

Although I am leaning toward trying a return next month, when I dialed my manager's number today to discuss it, I could feel my heart beating through my chest and the now familiar large lump developing in my throat.  I am lucky that she is very supportive but she wonders if working with moms and new babies will be too hard for me now.  She has no expectations and there is no pressure of my returning any sooner (if at all) if I'm not ready.  She will help me set up long term disability in case its needed.  I spent several years working on a surgical floor that was screaming busy and finally took the specialty course to work in labour/delivery.  Less busy at times but highly stressful.  Management is willing to let me try 4 or 8 hour shifts and could probably schedule me to work with postpartum moms at first.  There is nothing else for me to do on that floor.  I wish there was a little corner I could hide in and just do paperwork all day.  No contact with humans. 

Wendy, Keith's mom