Author Topic: Bottling the pain, need to release some pressure  (Read 6591 times)

now_the_youngest

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Bottling the pain, need to release some pressure
« on: September 18, 2007, 07:10:23 AM »
I’m new here….found this link while looking at my brother’s obituary for the millionth time. I lost my little brother on January 6th, 2007; he was the youngest…and now I am the youngest. My brother and I were close…really close. He was literally my best friend. It’s like I’ve lost two people in my life.
    I find this post very difficult to write…I have trouble admitting what happened and that I need to talk about it. We come from a family where it is common to hide any pain and suffering you are going through. My family is not un-familiar to pain…my mother had breast cancer (she survived), my uncle had testicular cancer (he survived for years after being diagnosed), my cousin and grandmother had breast cancer (they both survived that). One of my older brothers tried to commit suicide when he was 12 and I had tried to commit suicide when I was almost 22 (5 years ago now). Through all of this, our family barely talked about what we were going through, our pain, depression, anger, etc.
    So when my little brother died when he was barely 23, only 3 years younger than me, there was a lot of feelings that everyone pushed away by all of us. I live 3 hours away from where my parents live and where my little brother lived, so the moment I had an opportunity to come back after the funeral and “move on” with my life, I did. I tried to shove all the pain and suffering out and down as much as I could. It worked for a while, but over the past few months, it’s finally started bubbling up.
      He’s one of the first things I think of in the morning and usually the last thing I think about at night…add in about 20 more times during the day. The pain and agony are almost as strong as the day it happened; the slightest thing will set me off. The last time I tried talking about it I ended up yelling at one of my friends and telling my boyfriend that I wish I was in heaven with him. The time before that, it was at the funeral of a friend of mine who tried to help me through my brother’s death and I couldn’t stop crying for an hour. 
    I was a psychology major in college, I know the proper way to grieve and the signs that someone is in trouble…I know I’m not grieving in a healthy manner and I’m heading down a slippery slope. I find the easiest way to kill the pain is with drinking and I’m about a 12 pack away from becoming a full-blown alcoholic. But the thing is…I DON’T CARE. I really don’t….I’m told by everyone around me they wouldn’t consider me an alcoholic because I can still function, that I don’t let alcohol affect the rest of my life. Never mind the fact that I’m trying to get drunk almost every night to kill the pain.
     I  have been told that it might be good for me to get some professional help to deal with my pain….did I mention I was a psychology major? The one and only therapist I had seen (after my suicide attempt) suggested I find a different therapist because I wasn’t being honest with him and was pretty much just screwing with his head. Took him two months to figure that out…and it took me all of three sessions to realize he couldn’t help me because I didn’t want to open up and be honest. Honestly, it’s too embarrassing to me to say my feelings face-to-face (blame it on my family history if you want, I do).
   So, I’ve decided to try something with a little more anonymity.
Alright, that’s enough for now I think….

middle sis

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Re: Bottling the pain, need to release some pressure
« Reply #1 on: September 18, 2007, 03:18:38 PM »
now_the_youngest,
I am so sorry for your loss, and the pain you are feeling right now. I wish I had magical words to help you feel better, but I know I don't. I hear and feel your pain. My family and I don't share our feelings either. And I too find other ways to cope which I agree with you is not the best solution. But what can we do? I don't like talking face to face with others either about the way I feel. Numbness only lasts temporarily, which leads to the repetative behavior. I know, I've been there and still am. This board definately helps though. Everyone here truely cares, and will help in any way possible. Please come and share more about your brother when you feel up to it. Thinking of you tonight, and hope that just by knowing your not alone, helps in some small way.
Take care (((hugs)))
middle sis

Lonnie

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Re: Bottling the pain, need to release some pressure
« Reply #2 on: September 18, 2007, 08:10:18 PM »
Hi: I am so glad that you are trying to share your pain and sorrow. I am a former psychology major also, and sometimes the people who know the most, find it the most difficult to actually do what they know is healthy. By living in a family that does not share feelings, you have tried to cope the only ways you can. Drinking your pain away appears to be one of them. Hiding your feelings and trying to push them down, and avoid them was another way you tried to manage. (But that didn't work either.) I know I'm preaching to the choir here, but the healthiest thing you can do is acknowledge your pain, and try to deal with it. I don't know if you are male or female, but Tom Golden, our Administrator and Founder of this site, says that men and women generally deal with grief differently. So it would help to know your gender. I personally think it is healthy, for a man OR woman to talk about their feelings, and try to get it out, instead of suppressing your great loss. It sounds like you and your brother were so very close, and the absence of him from your life must be enormous. If you have had tendencies in the past toward depression and suicide, you really should make every effort to talk with someone. But you would have to be honest for it to be any help.
Please continue to come by and talk about your feelings. And you can join us on the Main Board as well. We have lots of discussions about things there, and I really hope that it will feel like a safe place for you, as it has been for so many of us. I feel that personal counseling helped me so much in other areas of my life, but nothing helped as much as this board with my grieving. Just knowing that others understood, and "got it" helped me heal. I always say that if you do not work through your grief, it will come back to haunt you. That is what I think is happening with you now. You will feel so much better if you allow yourself to feel the feelings, and share your thoughts with us. You can be angry, sad, hurt, disappointed, etc.-whatever you need to be, and we will understand. We're here to listen. Big Hugs-Lonnie

sweetpea

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Re: Bottling the pain, need to release some pressure
« Reply #3 on: September 19, 2007, 05:48:26 AM »
 I agree with Lonnie, and Middle Sis, Your first step, to dealing with your grief is Honesty. You, I am quite sure are aware of this fact. Even though you have a family history of not being able to open up to expose hidden truths, about yourself or your family, you must step out of this pattern to save yourself. I come from a family who put the letters in
 D,Y,S F,U,N,C,T.I.O,N,A,L   :D :D :D :D which included,abandonment, incest, physical and mental abuse, foster care which also included the previous 2, being told on a daily basis that you were not worth anything, your real mother and father never loved you, you're never grow up to be anything but a whore, you're stupid, separated from your sisters and brothers, through the welfare system, molested by 2 of your so called foster fathers, as well as your mother's brother, and waiting till you had the courage at the ripe old age of 45 to finally tell your mother what her brother did to you, but you could only do it over the telephone, and all she could say was..oh and pick up her conversation like you had never spoken a word?...

losing my father , sister, and just over a month ago a brother. and If I can survive the maddness of that hell, you can get through your greving. Just take it a day at a time and pray to the man up above, or your higher power, and say.....give me the strenght to grieve for my brother, without the help of alcohol, , you are suppose to feel pain because it does hurt when we lose a loved one...it will get easier.it will take time. Try to think of the happier memories of your brother, cling to them... he has really never died he will live on forever in your heart, it's the suttle things years from now that will remind you of him, and you will smile and he will smile, with you as he is now, you just don't know it yet. Your friend when you need an ear ......Sweetpea
« Last Edit: September 19, 2007, 04:51:26 PM by sweetpea »

Lisa Moody

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Re: Bottling the pain, need to release some pressure
« Reply #4 on: September 19, 2007, 10:56:47 AM »
I am soory for your pain you have to go through and yet this is very familar to me.  I myself have lost my Russell Boy who was 22 years old.  He was involve in a hit & Run accident here in Oregon.  He had siblings just like you he was the youngest of his brothers.  Yes I understand the pain that you have been going through.  My family has been broken the day we lost Russell Boy. The recovery period is not great but we try.  We tried to deal with it entirely with each other and found out that it brought more pain than recovery.  My son's had to greive on their own way.  They looked at me everyday and felt more pain they couldn't see me or their dad in pain...  It has been 14 months since Russell Boy left us and yes we still feel that pain... We are a close family until the tragic death of Russell Boy.  It will take time I can't tell you how much time it depends on you and how you learn to cope with your brothers death.  Life isn't fair and all we can do is pray and hope we comfort each other in everyway.

My heart goes out to you and please keep writting this helps a little in someway.

Lisa Moody - Russell Boy's Mom

Lisa Moody - Russell Boys Mom
"Always Remembered - Never Forgotten"

sweetpea

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Re: Bottling the pain, need to release some pressure
« Reply #5 on: September 19, 2007, 05:01:28 PM »
Dear Lisa, my heart goes out to you and your family, I too recently lost my brother August 1, 2007 he died of lung cancer. Even though I could never imagine the loss of a child.  It was such a painful time for me and my sister. So I  know what it's like to lose a loved one.

 Each day it will get better, it may not seem that way now, but it will I lost my father 33 years ago, and my sister 14 years ago, it took me almost 5 years to stop crying when I talked about her!!!!.
I just hope and pray that we all can find comfort and strenght, in each other to heal, but never forget our family.

One of my favorite quotes,

" Life is Not mearsured by the Number of Breaths We take, But by the Moments That take Our Breaths Away"

If there is anything you ever want to talk about I am always a click away.

Sweetpea
« Last Edit: September 19, 2007, 05:14:45 PM by sweetpea »

laurenE

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Re: Bottling the pain, need to release some pressure
« Reply #6 on: September 20, 2007, 07:29:10 AM »
Now the youngest,

I was a psychology major as well and one thing every professor taught me, both in my undergrad program as well as my graduate studies,  is that 'every therapist needs a therapist".   We were taught that you can't help or be there for someone else if we are unwilling to go through the work and the pain to help ourselves. 
Been there.   Still there at times.   But its the most rewarding healing thing I have ever done for myself.   Yes its difficult to trust but its worth the risk.    Therapy is alot of work,  and its oftentimes very painful at first,   kinda like childbirth,  but its worth it in the end. 

Im so sorry about your childhood and your losses.   I'm usually on the other board  (not the child loss or sibling loss)  so you can find me there more often than not. 

hugs,

lauren

hummingbird

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Re: Bottling the pain, need to release some pressure
« Reply #7 on: November 05, 2007, 04:41:26 AM »
Hi now the youngest
I am so sorry for the pain you are feeling, my heart goes out to you.
I lost my brother on January 10th 2007 which devastated me.
I am the youngest and my brother was 14 yrs older then me, we spent alot of time together when i was little (he sort of took on a father roll even though my dad was around), i loved going places with him, going out on the motor bike and just doing all sorts of fun things.
We have always been a close family (and my brother being the rock of the family helping with everything he could as he was a multi trades man) along with my 2 sisters but as you i have always found it hard to talk to people face to face.
The night my mum,dad,my oldest sister, her husband and my nephew came round and told me that chris had had  a heart attact and died i i just fell to the full floor the pain was like nothing i had every felt before, and all i could think was why him he was healthy(always swimming and won over 400 medels), he never drank,smoke or took drugs
I done a reading at his funeral which was very had but i am so glad i done it,(it is posted on here under Gental giant).
I have had some really bad times since his death, i have 2 children and some day i only function for them to get them to school.
I also have a great partner called john who has been a great help and support i don't know what i would have done with out him. He only lives about a a mile away so always there for me.
Even though having the children and support from john it hasn't stopped me hitting rock bottom and i have tryed to take my own life because i feel i can't cope with the pain anymore, but i think maybe they were cries for help.
I am now seeing a mental health doctor who is trying to get me on to medication but i don't want to go down that route, and a conseller who has been a great help and support, also suppoting me in the fact i don't want to take medication, i didn't think the conselling was gonna help as i had tryed conselling a few months before but i didn't get on with the conseller,i think you need to find a conseller that you are comfortable with and when you feel the time is right.
Having the conselling has been a great help to me.
I wake up thinking about my brother everyday too and god knows how many times in the day, my house was completely done out by my brother and at first was very hard to spend time in, but now i love spending time here as i have every thing around me to remind me of chris.
I hope this site will help you it has done wonders for me, even if its just to come and read the post from every one else, i don't post every time i come here, its just some where safe and everyone know the pain you are going through and you them.
Keep writing take care my thoughts are with you
lots of hugs Helen
« Last Edit: November 08, 2007, 11:23:10 AM by hummingbird »

go4jenny

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Re: Bottling the pain, need to release some pressure
« Reply #8 on: November 05, 2007, 06:08:31 AM »
Hi "now the youngest",
 I am not a psychology or anything else close to that but I can tell you that just writting down how I am feeling helps more than anything else. Here you are not judged and you dont have to worry about what family and close friends say. Write whatever you are feeling, be it angry, sad, happy...whatever. It really helps me when i just sit down and put what I'm feeling into words. Also I too have had a suicide attempt when I was 17, my sister saved my life. I have never told anyone that...see how easy it is? Talk as much as you need to sweety, you are in my thoughts....Take care Jennifer