Author Topic: Wow, this is so hard.  (Read 2635 times)

Marianne

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Wow, this is so hard.
« on: October 22, 2007, 06:10:28 PM »
Why did God think that I could handle this?  I don't get it.  I was never the strong one.  I just can't fathom why me?  Why any of us? 

I have been having nightmares.  It's the same every time.  WHY didn't I try to save my baby.  I mean in my head I know he was already gone too long.  But, Why didn't I try?  I didn't do anything.  I should have held him and rocked him and tried CPR or anything.  I didn't do anything.  I just touched him and knew he was gone.  Why didn't I just go watch that darn movie with him.  Why didn't I just stay up with him that night.  Why him????  He was so good.

My mom keeps reminding me of all the good in my life.  I have Mark and the girls.  They are a blessing that I thank God for every day.  To other people, it would seem that I have allot to be thankfull for.  I AM NOT THANKFUL - I AM ANGRY and sad and just a mess!  If I didn't know how much it would hurt everyone else, I would just not choose this life.  I day dream about being in an accident.  Then, it wouldn't be my fault and I could go be with Alek.  I even get jelous when someone else dies - WHY NOT ME?  Doesn't GOD want me?

I know how irrational I seem.  I am still aware enough to understand that this lousy life is the one I have and I have to make the best of it.  It just hurts like hell tonight.

Thanks for being there.  I don't have anyone else.

I am hurting so bad right now.
Marianne (Alek's Mom Forever)

luckyladyb

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Re: Wow, this is so hard.
« Reply #1 on: October 22, 2007, 06:48:36 PM »
Oh Marianne,
I am so, so sorry that you're hurting so badly tonight.
I doubt that anyone on the site has not asked the same question.  I seem to remember screaming it in the first  few days after our loss.  Why?  Why?  Why?
We will never know ........ 
It's cruel,  it's heartless, but it's also reality.  There will never be an answer.
I remember going to bed and my last waking thought being, please don't let me wake up  .........  I don't want to do this anymore.  It hurts too much.
But,  you know what,  I did wake up and I still wake up and it still hurts.
I'm trying hard to accept his sad new chapter in life.  To put on a somewhat happy face as I do my day to day living.
I've tried really hard to connect to my child's spirit and focus on his life instead of his death.
The thoughts of his life make me happy.  The thoughts of his death take me to a place that's dark and calling my name. That's where the strength comes in. I believe it comes from him somehow.
I believe we grieve so profoundly because we loved so deeply.  How many people get to experience that kind of love? 
I try to go to the grateful place in me instead of the grieving place.  Hopefully, at some point, the grateful place will be dominant.  I will always grieve.  But I wish not to live with the memory of my child in a dark place.  I want to see his smile and see light. He was after all, scrubbed in sunshine.
 In his honor, I will survive this and I will make him proud!
Jason's Mom, Bonnie
« Last Edit: October 22, 2007, 06:51:00 PM by Bonnie, Jason's Mom »

MelissaCharliesMom

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Re: Wow, this is so hard.
« Reply #2 on: October 22, 2007, 07:31:16 PM »
It seems these recent weeks have brought the pain right back to the surface for me as well. it is fresh and raw and seems as if it all happened just yesterday and yet it seems as if its been forever and a day since I have seen, hugged, touched my boy. I am so sorry you are having such a difficult time and I wont pretend to have any infinite words of wisdom because I dont. I know that 3 years 3 months and 26 days into this nightmard and it doesnt get better, or easier and the grief doesnt lift...it changes, it gets different, but it will never go away..at least not for me.
Just know you are in my thoughts and I am right there beside you struggling with this pain. Sending strength and peace!

Landons Mom Shelly

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Re: Wow, this is so hard.
« Reply #3 on: October 22, 2007, 09:24:37 PM »
Wow how I can relate to you Marianne, as probably so many of us can do here on this board.  I think we all wish things would've or could've been different the day our babies were taken from us, why didn't we say "yes" when we could've said "no", why didn't we stay home when we went to work . . . there are so many "what if's" that make my head spin each and every day.  I know in my heart that your son is up in heaven along with my little Landon, I wish I could hold him one last time but they (the medics and everyone else) wouldn't let me . . . I so regret that I didn't force my way into our garage to hold my sweet boy because I wanted to say goodbye but I never did get that last hug, that last sweet goodbye that haunts me as I watched the ambulance take him away so I clung to my other two sons in my arms sitting on the kitchen floor and watched as they took my Landon away, I sobbed as I had to tell my only daughter (19) on the phone about her little brother.  I too have nightmares that seem to hit me, mostly when I'm trying to just take a short nap, don't know why but it's always of that day, over and over again.  Why didn't I get out sooner, and I will always blame myself.  Even though my husband continued his relationship with his girlfriend and refused to go to counseling with me and the boys, I managed to gather enough strength thanks only to a young man by the name of Bryan (my oldest boy 16) who pulled me out of some really tough situations and made me make a solemn promise to him to never leave him or do anything stupid.  he went through hell and back trying to keep me focused on what was most important in his life . . . FAMILY.  Sons, daughters, brothers, sisters, mothers, fathers, friends . . . that's what life is all about, isn't it??  Right now I had a major breakdown after my youngest boy was upset with me because we just got the internet set-up and he I wouldn't let him on the computer yet since our recent move (left the soon-to-be ex-husband).  Well, I've been busting my butt to get everything done by myself, working full-time, getting the boys to school and counseling, found this house, my car is now broke down, shampooing carpets, and when he throws this little fit, what does he say, "Fine, I'll just go live with Dad!"  I live and breath for my kids, period, and when he said that I thought I was going to have a complete breakdown.  He called his Dad, of course Dad picked him up and now he's the hero and are watching Monday night football while I'm the bad guy.  Sorry to be rambling since this was about your difficulties . . . life is so hard, I hate when others say it'll get better over time 'cause so far it doesn't seem like it is.  Don't feel too bad . . . I will be sleeping on the couch tonight because when I left our house, hubby got the bed so I had to get a thrift store bed from a friend and tried to shampoo it tonite and it's all mildewy still (yuck!!) but hey, I guess it could be worse!!

Just hang in there . . . you are definitely in my thoughts and prayers tonight. 
God bless you and know that we're all in this together!!

Shelly
« Last Edit: January 15, 2009, 03:12:38 PM by Landons Mom Shelly »
Landon's Mom forever,

Shelly



My Precious Little Landon -- Forever in our Hearts        http://landon-greenan.gonetoosoon.org
August 1, 1995 - June 1, 2007

John-Danielle Marie's Daddy

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Re: Wow, this is so hard.
« Reply #4 on: October 23, 2007, 12:59:23 PM »
(((((Marianne))))),
My dear heartbroken, weeping friend, I am sorry that your pain is so deep and that you are feeling so down. Please know that I send you a warm (((((HUG))))) of friendship and support and a shoulder for you to cry on. I know how much you long to hold your beloved son, Alek in your arms again. You and I have had many times where we have both asked…”Why did God…?” I wish that we would both receive an answer! There may NEVER be an answer to “WHY?” until we arrive at our final destination on our judgment day.
Marianne, WE are ALL stronger than we could ever realize! We have been left to face a tragedy so great that there are no words in our life to describe such a horrible event. I truly believe that you are a strong woman, just the fact that you reach out for support and even in your own grief are caring and loving to even show support to another grieving parent who also reaches out in their time of need.
IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT!!! I wish that there was something that would help you know that your wonderful son’s death was not caused by anything you did or did not do. Even though here will never be an answer to your questions, you are not to blame!
You ARE NOT irrational, you are heartbroken, sad and missing your son. Give your husband and daughters a warm loving hug and let them know how much you love them too.
Take Care of yourself and I will keep you and Alek in my deepest thoughts and prayers.

With you along the “journey”,
John, Danielle’s Daddy
Wishing You All Continuous Comfort & Peace,
John-Danielle Marie’s Daddy
1/4/95-2/20/06 (head trauma-motor vehicle accident)
“Her friendship was an inspiration, her love a blessing”

marzz

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Re: Wow, this is so hard.
« Reply #5 on: October 24, 2007, 07:56:25 AM »
Marianne
We have our hell times, O we do, to many,
Know why, it's the deep love we have for our child
and our child's love which they give to us in life CAN pull us up.
My daughter kelly give me so much love in her 36ys she is still
giving it to me 16 months later, and always will   till I'm in her time
and place.
Love Marzz Kelly's mum
Thank You Kelly For Being My Daughter.

  

Dottie (Tammie's Mom)

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Re: Wow, this is so hard.
« Reply #6 on: October 27, 2007, 06:16:59 AM »
Dear Marianne,

I understand every single WHY in your letter. I ask all those same questions too. I also wish I were dead many many days. I don't have step children that I even like let alone fill any void for me. Know I am here standing right beside you.

Believe me, I GET IT::::: :'(
Dottie Tammie's Mom