Author Topic: Myths on the death of a child-This says it ALL!!!  (Read 11844 times)

MARTHA(CANDI'S AUNT)

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Re: Myths on the death of a child-This says it ALL!!!
« Reply #15 on: October 12, 2007, 09:09:05 PM »
john,
  all these thing's are true. i'm candi's aunt & i was 13 when she was born & at that moment  i became an aunt. i love all my niece's & nephews. i have 3 kids of my own. a son(r.j.-20)girls(brittany-16 & kendall-14.
 but when candi died i feel like i died with her.
there's been people that have told some friends that "candi was just her niece' or " martha was just her aunt."
that's not how i feel. they don't say these thing's to my face because i would tell them they don't know how i feel because they've never been through it.
oct.13th candi will be gone 2 yrs. & 5 mo. & i still miss her & want her back.
i try my best to go with one moment, one breathe, one day at a time.
 i learned that from donna on this group.

martha

laurasmom

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Re: Myths on the death of a child-This says it ALL!!!
« Reply #16 on: October 12, 2007, 11:36:17 PM »
Candi,
When a fanily is close, everyone feels close to everyone's childen.  I love my neices and would hurt if something would happen to them, as wekk as feeking my brither's pain and grief.  My brothers will still fill up with tears taking about Laura. And I feel as you do, it has been 4 years, 4 months and 6 days, and I still want her back.  I always will.  I miss her so much eveyday.
Love to all,
Lois
Lois, Laura's Mom

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Re: Myths on the death of a child-This says it ALL!!!
« Reply #17 on: October 13, 2007, 09:38:29 AM »
Bonnie, First, sending hugs to you on this day. 

You have nothing to apologize for.  Having a surviving daughter and grandchildren is a comfort, but, the relationships are also very complicated.  My daughter is grieving a sister, my grandchildren are grieving their Aunt, and all of us were very close.

In the beginning, I could not stand to be around my granddaughters.  It was too painful to watch the similarities to their Aunt.  One looks very much like her, one has many of the same mannerisms........

I pushed my daughter away, alot, until she became angry and reminded me that she was still here.  I worried about her constantly, and, for years, insisted she call me when she left here to go home.  Part of the pushing away had to do with feeling like a big failure as a mother.  You are supposed to watch over and protect your children.  I went through a lot of "If I had only............." regrets, at first about the night of Mel's accident, and, then started extending it back through the years.  "If I had done this, she wouldn't have been at a certain place, at a certain time, accident wouldn't have happened", until I thought I would go crazy with guilt.  What Lois, laurasmom said about turning off all of the feeling is exactly what happened to me.  If allowed myself to feel anything towards those who were left, I would be open to more pain if something else happened.

My daughter and I are closer now, we share lots of memories, but, there are also things we don't talk about, even after 10 years.

Thinking of you today,

(((Hugs)))

Dee

luckyladyb

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Re: Myths on the death of a child-This says it ALL!!!
« Reply #18 on: October 13, 2007, 03:10:23 PM »
Is there strength in numbers or what??  We hold each other up. I find great comfort in that .......  thanks guys for being out there.

Today has been one of the harder days for me. I've cried almost all day.
I keep thinking of what today was suppose to be. As luck would have it, we have a benefit to go to tonight. It's a work related affair.

I decided to stay real busy today.  I went and had my hair done. Cried all the way through that almost.  The guy doing my "up do" mentioned that my allergies must be bad this year.  I told him no that it's my life that's bad.  He knew about Jason and so I shared with him that today would have been his wedding day.
But,  the "up do" was hysterical!!  I don't think my husband would have let me go with that on top of my head!!

So, after getting my nails done, I stopped at another place and ask if they could wash and blow dry my hair.  The girl who I've never met before was sweet and making conversation.  She ask if I have children.  I couldn't even talk to answer her.
She stepped back and just stood there looking at me.  She thought she had hurt me.  I told her that my only child died the end of April. She said she was sorry and then we talked a little.  I told her that she probably would think I'm making the story up but today was his wedding day.  She started crying and the lady next to us started crying. But my hair looked great when I left.  She told me that I needed a break and she didn't charge me.  I just realized that I didn't even tip her.  I'll have to go back by there ............ my mind sometimes! 

So, I'll get dressed soon and we'll go to the theatre and listen to Jay Leno......
But, my mind will be somewhere else.

Lisa Moody

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Re: Myths on the death of a child-This says it ALL!!!
« Reply #19 on: October 15, 2007, 07:14:16 AM »
I don't know how to explain the existing of another sibling or child or more.....  When we lost our Russell boy not only had we lost our son but a brother, father and a friend.  You see its not about my other children don't matter or there is no support...its greiving with them every child has a unique way of their own and I love all of them dearly... but when that ring of love and closeness is broken it became our living nightmare.  My children are 29 through 19.  I have a table Russell boy's pictures and memories that we keep out in the open because of these reasons:  Everyone of my children hide their feelings and some will express them with us...  We found that we couldn't at first release this pain at each other...  We were bonded from the  birth of our children and never knew that this could ever happen...  Shockly to let you know that yes, my children have been there and yet we found it very hard to cope with each others grief.  No offense taken on what I have read so far..... every child that knew Russell Boy have been stripped by the verious thing that no one would ever want to feel. It's like when a child falls and you pick him up and ask him if is they are okay? Well,  when I see everyone of my children cry with pain I feel helpless because I cannot heal their wounds and the pain they feel.... We have not yet got a close case on my son's hit and run but I worry when that day should come if my children could stand to face the one person that took our son away from all of us....  We don't know when this will ever be comforting but I fear it is not yet the time to say... Every time i look into their eyes I see Russell boy with them and the pain they feel very emotional every single day....

Lisa - Russell Boy's Mom....

Lisa Moody - Russell Boys Mom
"Always Remembered - Never Forgotten"

lainie

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Re: Myths on the death of a child-This says it ALL!!!
« Reply #20 on: October 19, 2007, 03:18:01 AM »
I just have to say, and I am angry so... I have no other children and no husband, and very ill elderly parents.  Where do I go, who do I turn to? My counsellor was great but I can't afford her.  I was a single mom for 11 of Brynn's short 12 years.  I didn't build up any money in the bank.  We lived day to day.  I did the best I could.  Obviously, it wasn't good enough.
If I had been better, she would still be alive. 
I have been to the doctor, to the counsellor, to the grief groups.
But you know, it all comes down to... me.
I am alone in this world and I am upset about it.
My 78 year old dad goes in for colon cancer surgery on Oct. 31.
My health is suffering.  I can't sleep.  I am probably going to lose my job and end up on the street.
I haven't posted in a while 'cause I have nothing positive to say.
I am so tired of battling the world alone.
Sorry, but letting me rant in words here is helpful.
Is this what I am reduced to... a sick, tired woman.
I have tried to do positve in her name, I call it "Brynnspiration" , I mean I have the Bursary fund, the e-shop in her name.  But, still, we are divided by space and time and I am so so sad about that.
I do keep trying, but I feel so alone.
I know that you are the peple that will understand.
I think I was the best mom that I could be, but it obviously isn't good enough or I would still be her mom.
Brynn used to make jewelry and sell it in stores, so I am trying to do that for her, and it is selling, but it's just not the same as seeing her smiling face, and touching her hair.  I'm so afraid that I'm going to forget the sound of her voice and forget her likes and dislikes.
My health is suffering, I can't sleep, I miss my little girl more than anything.
I guess I'm just really sick and tired.  I wish that my dad had not got sick, because now I have to try to " be there" for him.
I always tell my parents, you have other kids and other grandkids, but I lost my whole family when I lost Brynn.
I just can't forget watching her die right in front of me, and I was helpless.
What a complete loser of a mom.  And I hate it when people talk about angels coming to help them, because if anyone needed an angel, it was her.
I know that I am ranting, and I'm sorry, but I am just about to just give up.
Elaine (Lainie)  Brynn's mom
My beautiful Brynn
Dec. 14/94 - Jan. 2/07

lainie

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Re: Myths on the death of a child-This says it ALL!!!
« Reply #21 on: October 19, 2007, 03:19:58 AM »
I'm sorry, I didn't even post this in the right place!
Please forgive me,
Elaine
My beautiful Brynn
Dec. 14/94 - Jan. 2/07

marie

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Re: Myths on the death of a child-This says it ALL!!!
« Reply #22 on: October 19, 2007, 06:18:52 AM »
john, How very true. Thanks for sharing. LOVE AND HUGS MARIE PATRICK"S MOM
                 

sandy2

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Re: Myths on the death of a child-This says it ALL!!!
« Reply #23 on: October 19, 2007, 08:51:05 AM »
LAINE,i cant give you any great advice we are both in the early stages of our journey, but i will say please dont give up on us . i can tell by your post & your website YOU WERE & STILL ARE THE WORLDS GREATEST MOTHER & BYRNN KNOWS THAT LAINE!.the love you have for that girl shows from the day she was born & always will. i do know there are so many days of this journey pure hell, but dont put yourself down . im so sorry to hear about your father also, i take my father to chemo every week he has bone cancer. its all just so emotionally draining. just remember hon we are here for you and walking in those shoes too , yo can rant all you want. hoping youll have a peacful day sooner than later . sending you BIG HUGS & LOVE SANDY SHANES MOM