Author Topic: Myths on the death of a child-This says it ALL!!!  (Read 11881 times)

John-Danielle Marie's Daddy

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Myths on the death of a child-This says it ALL!!!
« on: October 07, 2007, 04:16:01 PM »
These are myths bereaved parents hear every day, I found this article to be so true I had to share.

The younger the baby/child, the less your pain will be

Truth: It may be true that society grants us less of a right to grieve for infants and stillborn babies, however, the truth is that the love of a parent is not contingent upon the amount of time we had with our child. Love simply cannot be measured in time. Some may try to "pro-rate" our grief. That is, if a ten-year-old dies, it is worth "x" amount of pain... if a one year old dies, it is worth "y" amount of pain... if a one day old dies, that is worth only "z" amount of pain. It seems ridiculous to bereaved parents. Consider this... Would it be easier to bury your child when you did or would it be easier to bury them one year later? It is an impossible question to answer. There is no easier time, no lesser pain. It is horrible whenever it happens.

It has been six months you should be over this

Truth: The truth is, you will never "be over" this pain. The pain never completely leaves. We will grieve our entire lifetime for the child we should have with us. When others think we should have gotten over it by now, they are confusing the significance of the death of a child with an event of much lesser significance. You get over the loss of a job, a broken bone or a friendship gone awry. The death of a child, at any age and from any circumstance, is a life changing and tragic event that will never be forgotten. You will however, eventually learn the skills necessary to assist you in dealing with the pain. Day to day life will never be "normal" and may never feel the way it used to, but time does help to ease the pain.

Another baby is the answer to your grief

Truth: Your deceased child's life is worthy of all the pain you feel. While another child will fill your empty, aching arms, it will never replace your other child. Allow yourself time to grieve your child. Do not rush yourself. Another baby may add more pressure on you, your surviving children, your spouse and your new child. Be cautious not to venture into an unprepared pregnancy, too soon after the death of your beloved child. For more information on how to recognize when you are ready for a subsequent pregnancy see.

You need to forget your baby / child and move on with life

Truth: Many people will ridicule you if; photographs of your deceased child are placed in your home, if you still attend support group meetings or if you memorialize your child years after his or her death. Your faithfulness to your child's memory is to be commended! Do not let others discourage your gift of dedication. The truth is, twenty years after the death of Elvis Presley, the whole country stops to recognize him with candlelight vigils in Grace land. The event is televised worldwide on CNN and every other news station and television station in the country. This is a completely acceptable practice which millions of Americans, young and old, partake in. Yet, the same communities would have grieving parents questioning their own sanity when they chose to participate in an event, quietly memorializing someone far more important in their life- their own child. Remember your child. Do not let others determine what is right for you. Remember and do not be ashamed!

Support Groups are for weak People

Truth: The truth is, that the death of a child is the most isolating and lonely event in a human's life. Many grieving parents say that friends become strangers and strangers become friends. The reason for this is clear. How can any one else possibly understand the depth of this pain if they had never experienced it before? An analogy I like to use is related to weight loss. Let's say I struggled with obesity all my life and finally made a decision to do whatever I needed to lose weight and become healthy again. Courageously, I check myself into a weight loss clinic. However, the mentor and counselor assigned to help me through my struggle with weight is 110 lbs and a size three, and she has never been overweight a day in her life. How in the world is she going to understand your pain, your struggles and your fears? She never can. It is unlikely that you will even feel comfortable relating to that person. Support groups are a safe haven for parents to go and share the deepest of their pain with others who have experienced the same feelings. Many support groups are full of strong and compassionate people who are dedicated to helping newly bereaved parents find hope and peace in their life.

You will soon be yourself again

Truth: The truth is, you probably died with your child. You may have remnant pieces of the former self remaining; however, you are unlikely to become exactly who you were before. Get to know who you are once again. Your child's death has changed many things about you and you will need time and patience to reacquaint yourself with the new person you have become!

Am I going Crazy

Truth: Every parent who has gone through the death of a child feels as if they are crazy. The vast array of emotions can overwhelm us. Many of us feel emotions we never knew we could feel. It is frightening and shocking. The usual routine of day to day life suddenly annoys us. We feel out of place even amongst the closest of family and friends. We cannot attend baby showers or birthday parties. We may feel too weak and drained to get out of bed in the morning. Once enjoyed activities become dreaded tasks for us. Some parents are unable to perform at work, while others may become completely absorbed in their jobs as an attempt to escape the pain. Some parents express that the grief has become so unbearable, that they prayed God would take them while they sleep. It is a roller coaster ride. Some days we are able to laugh and feel joy again. While other days there seems a black cloud hanging over us the entire day. Who wouldn't feel crazy while undergoing all of these many emotions? You aren't crazy. You are a grieving parent, simply missing what should have been in your life. Be patient and kind to yourself. While the longing for your child will never disappear, time grants us moments of peace in between the tidal waves of pain. Allow those peaceful moments to bring you closer to your child's love and the gifts they have left for you to discover
Wishing You All Continuous Comfort & Peace,
John-Danielle Marie’s Daddy
1/4/95-2/20/06 (head trauma-motor vehicle accident)
“Her friendship was an inspiration, her love a blessing”

sandy2

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Re: Myths on the death of a child-This says it ALL!!!
« Reply #1 on: October 07, 2007, 05:20:05 PM »
WOW DOES THAT SAY IT ALL, MAYBE THATS WHERE ALL MY FEELINGS HAVE CAME FROM LATLY I POSTED ON THE MAIN BOARD, TAKING LIFE FOR GRANTED. THANKS FOR SHARING SANDY SHANES MOM

JONBOYS MOM

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Re: Myths on the death of a child-This says it ALL!!!
« Reply #2 on: October 08, 2007, 06:47:37 AM »
THANKS JOHN

This is so true, This opened my eyes! The feelings are all so true.



Jonboys mom

Donna

Lisa Moody

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Re: Myths on the death of a child-This says it ALL!!!
« Reply #3 on: October 08, 2007, 07:55:38 AM »
This is so true especially the last one....  I really think people think I'm crazy but I can't help being who I am now.  And yes, I believe the day my Russell Boy passed I left with him. My sould has never been the same anymore and yes we live differently and to cope with that is hard enough.....  Hugs

Lisa

Lisa Moody - Russell Boys Mom
"Always Remembered - Never Forgotten"

DantesDad

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Re: Myths on the death of a child-This says it ALL!!!
« Reply #4 on: October 08, 2007, 08:32:44 AM »
Thank you John.  I have experienced these things myself, sometimes by my own family.

Peace to us all,

Marty - Dante's Dad

laurasmom

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Re: Myths on the death of a child-This says it ALL!!!
« Reply #5 on: October 09, 2007, 01:03:49 PM »
Another myth:  "At least you have other children.  Just think how much worse it would be if she had been your only child."
I can't tell you how many times I heard this, and it makes me sooo angry!  Like your love is divided, so if you have 2 children, then your loss is only 1/2 of what someone's would be who only had 1 child??!!??  I think not!!  I feel the pain of her loss every day, and the emptiness that will never be filled.  And the fear that this could happen again with one of my other children or one of my grandchildren!  I have a friend who lost her son, and he was the youngest of 6, and her pain and grief are no less than mine or anyone else's.
I wish none of us had to bear this.
Lois
Lois, Laura's Mom

luckyladyb

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Re: Myths on the death of a child-This says it ALL!!!
« Reply #6 on: October 09, 2007, 02:22:04 PM »
I have heard so many of these ......
The part about having other children.  I lost my only child so I can speak a little to this.
I agree that it doesn't matter how many children you have, you are going to grieve like you lost your only child.
I believe my husband and I would find comfort in our son's siblings if we had other children.
We would have a comfort knowing that there is someone to be there as we age. We have no one to pass our memories to. We would still be able to have grandchildren if we had other children.  I have boxes of things put away that were our son's and they are tagged, "for our grandchildren".
I believe there would definitely be a future that would be comforting and something to look forward too.
We just feel broken and lost without our son and our plans for the future.
We all grieve and the grief is just as great.  The hole in our hearts is just as big.
I don't have the fear of it happening again. We have nothing left to lose.
I too, wish none of us had to bear this heavy burden of grief.
Jason's Mom, Bonnie

Lisa Moody

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Re: Myths on the death of a child-This says it ALL!!!
« Reply #7 on: October 10, 2007, 09:00:04 AM »
I could sure comment on this myth.....

I have six children.  5 boys and one girl.  I do not believe in that myth at all....  Learning through my experience with the death of my youngest son - Russell Boy...  There is no 1/2 suffering or any quanity you could judge someone for their grieving.....  When our Russell Boy passed away it took an enormous change in my family from my self to all of my children. Lets say my family went crazy... we didn't know how to cope and we are still going through all kinds of stages of grief.  I can't imagine someone comparing a grief of who had just one child or more?  All I know the pain I feel everyday is real as it can be.  It hurts from my inner soul and never ends... I look at my children and see him in all of them everyday they all where very close so the pain and suffering it doesn't end even if you only lost one child it takes over your life and is a living nightmare......  I am sorry for coming across so straight forward but that is how my life has been.  I have many issues on the greiving part of my son's death whether it be just me or my entire family.  It has been a living hell!!  And no one not no one can say get over it...

Lisa 

Lisa Moody - Russell Boys Mom
"Always Remembered - Never Forgotten"

laurasmom

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Re: Myths on the death of a child-This says it ALL!!!
« Reply #8 on: October 10, 2007, 06:52:57 PM »
Lisa,
you said it all.  Laura is in my mind every moment of every day, and we all still miss her terribly.  My second daughter recently married, and my 3 suriving children all chose a song that the 3 of them could dance to together.  It was very beautiful and touching, but there were also many tears and it was so obvious that one was missing.  Every time I talk with pne of my other children, with my family, Laura always comes up.  We will never not miss her.
Lois
Lois, Laura's Mom

momofwatsonx

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Re: Myths on the death of a child-This says it ALL!!!
« Reply #9 on: October 10, 2007, 09:44:29 PM »
Man does all this ring so true..... I have 3 children and I miscarried 1, I never allowed myself time to grieve of deal with the miscarrage, this baby would have been younger that Josh by 2 years,  Brittany is older that Josh by 2years 1 month and 1 day..... and there was a 10 year gap between Josh and Rachel,
Josh was my only boy, and yes he was a moma's boy, it didn't matter who was around, friends, family, coworkers even strangers, he never failed to tell me he loved me and alway gave me a kiss.....GOD do I MIss him....

My family is the type that thinks that I should be over it by now, My mom is always given me a hard time because I still cry every day... she tried to tell me that God took Josh to prepare me for Her death, I was shocked and i said mom when you die it will be a piece of cake, from what i am dealing with now.... I dont think she like that answer... But we expect to burrie our parents, not our kids..... My sisters who was really close to me, doesn't come over, call or any thing she told me that i was to sad to be around.....

It thank God that I have Brittany and Rachel but i wish I still had my JOSH!!!!

virgie
JOSH'S mom



Karen Paul

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Re: Myths on the death of a child-This says it ALL!!!
« Reply #10 on: October 11, 2007, 06:08:15 AM »
Of course you don't grieve less because you have other children, that thought is ridiculous and it just goes to show how clueless some people are.

I do think that the challenges are different for parents who have lost an only child - the lack of a future is the most glaring - the end of hopes for marriage and grandchildren in some cases - the absence of anyone to actively "parent" - I know Brian and Amy have felt this very keenly - since Chris was still in high school and there were many plans still to make (driver's license, prom, college, etc.) - to all of a sudden have complete and utter silence - well..

And you parents who still have kids at home have another challenge - how to still give them time and energy while grieving your child that passed - that has to be very draining - at a time when you have little extra energy - and being forced to deal with all the daily challenges of life on top of grieving -

I believe the loss of a child is the most devestating loss a person can suffer - no matter how big the family - but there are  differences in the journey if you have surviving children or if you've lost your only child.. either way - you are all amazing to share here the way you do - and to continue to allow me to share with you -

much love and many hugs to all,
Karen

~Dee

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Re: Myths on the death of a child-This says it ALL!!!
« Reply #11 on: October 12, 2007, 10:26:19 AM »
All of these myths have surfaced and touched me in one way or another over the years. 

Having another child is pointless, you can not ever replace the child you have lost.  This has also come up in discussions about human cloning.  Absolutely not.  You may produce a duplicate, but the uniqueness, the very soul of your lost child can never be reproduced.

Yes, I have another daughter, who was married with children of her own when her sister died.  I did not try to replace my daughter with her sister.  In fact, I pushed her away for a very long time.

I have had people, including some who have lost younger children, say, "But you had her for 20 years, and I only had a short time............." It's hard to believe that another grieving parent could say that, but I am not the first to have heard it.

I am particularly enraged by the outpourings of grief for both Elvis and Princess Diana.  Why is it okay to grieve openly, years later, for someone whom which you have no personal relationship, but I am chided for still grieving my own child?

You should be moving on, forget your child, be over this by now is all spoken by the truly ignorant, yet, they resist your attempts to enlighten them.  I hope they never have to be on the other side of that conversation.

Support groups can be a help, but, my personal experience was that it became very "cliquey", not something I wanted to deal with.

Some days I feel that I am going crazy.  Those who want me to be "myself" again never take the time to know the person I have become.

Dee

luckyladyb

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Re: Myths on the death of a child-This says it ALL!!!
« Reply #12 on: October 12, 2007, 03:13:34 PM »
I'm curious.........
For those of you who lost a child and have other children. The remaining children brought you no comfort?  Didn't the spot they hold in your future bring you comfort? It's not a question of replacing a lost child with the surviving children. It's the comfort that the surviving children would offer in terms of the future and sharing memories. Having their children, your grandchildren.
I would think it would be hard on the surviving child to feel that they could never measure up to the child that was lost.  They must feel like they not only lost a sibling, they lost a parent to the overwhelming grief.
I am so sorry if I offended anyone with my earlier post. I actually thought that having other children would somehow be comforting. Not once did I or have I thought that it's harder for those that lose an only child.  The grief is there and the loss will always be there for everyone who loses a child. In my mind, I actually thought the future might not be as bleak for those with surviving children.  Not that the pain of the loss would be any easier. The death of a child is the most devastating event that anyone will ever face regardless of the number of children you have.
Our son's wedding day was to be tomorrow, October 13th. I guess I've been a little self centered in my thoughts.
I apologize to Dee, momofwatson, laurasmom and lisamoody and anyone else that I ruffled.

laurasmom

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Re: Myths on the death of a child-This says it ALL!!!
« Reply #13 on: October 12, 2007, 08:19:39 PM »
Bonnie,
Please don't feel that you need to apologize to me, I was not upset at all by what you said.  I think Karen said it best....we all grieve the loss of our child, but differently.  Laura is my youngest child, my other children were 12, 10 and 7 when she was born, so she was a family baby. When she was killed I had 2 grandsons.  I don't know that I can say having other children is a comfort, because I still don't feel that anything can comfort me regarding her death.  I do know that after her death, for a long time I felt that I had  to shut off all feelings, even toward my other children and my grandsons, I wouldn't let myself feel anything because I could not let myself be vulnerable to that kind of pain again.  I knew that I loved them, but I couldn't let myself feel it, I don't know if this makes sense ot not, but that's how I felt.  It wasn't until my 3rd grandson was born that I really began to feel anything again.  I guess part of my being that way too was that my son (3rd child) was injured in the collision that Laura died in, and I needed to be able to take care of him.  I don't know, I only know that I did what I had to, so that I could survive and do what I had to do.  And that's what we all do to survive this pain that has no end. 
Much love to you, and you will be on my mind for the difficult day (another one!) you have tomorrow.
Lois
Lois, Laura's Mom

momofwatsonx

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Re: Myths on the death of a child-This says it ALL!!!
« Reply #14 on: October 12, 2007, 09:08:04 PM »
Bonnie,

There's no need to apologize... I am a bundle of mixed emotions, I do find some comfort in my girls and my grandson, but that doesn't replace Josh by any means....... There is always that special bond between a mother and her son!!!  When I was eight months preg. with Josh they did an ultrasound to find out if he was a boy or girl, see I am a carrier of hemophilliac (free bleeder) and only males contract it, female can be carriers, so any way the doctor seen that he was a boy and asked me to abort...I said no I have to take my chances, Josh was born healthy and didn't have hemophilliac.... As i said above later on I did lose a son to it I was just a few months preg when the baby started bleeding and ended up in a misscarrage.

I can tell you that I would grieve the same no matter which child it was, but when you are grieving on child you (I) have a hard time not to feel guilty that I am enjoying my other children and not Josh...

anyway  Bonnie I just wanted to let you know that I am thinking of you as I know how tough this weekend is going to be for you... sending you a big ((((((((((((((((HUG)))))))))))))))))))

virgie
JOSH"S mom