Author Topic: what has this made you  (Read 11259 times)

sarah

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 12
    • View Profile
Re: what has this made you
« Reply #15 on: August 30, 2007, 01:25:33 PM »
I was a hard- working, compassionate, appreciative person *before*.

For a long time it was hard to feel compassion for anyone else at all.  A few months after we lost the girls came the 9-11 attacks.  It was hard to care, I was so buried in grief.

It has taken a lot of hard work to get back close to where I was in terms of being able to feel others' pain and react to it.  I estimate in terms of self, in six years, I have made about an 85% recovery.  The rest of the damage, I'm staring to understand, is probably permanent.  In a lot of ways, I feel like a stroke victim.  I continue to work on appreciating my life despite the damage.  Like a chronic illness, I work around it, and try not to let it define my life, or undermine enjoyment of what I have left.

I have several college girlfriends that never got to experience a lovely marriage and kids at all.  As bad as its been, I would never trade places with them.

Sarah

MelissaCharliesMom

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 711
    • View Profile
Re: what has this made you
« Reply #16 on: August 30, 2007, 07:13:15 PM »
It has made me angry, bitter and mad at the world. I have great sympathy and tend top gravitate towards other grieving parents. I have no patience for petty whining. I cant stand to listen to people gripe and complain about how horrible their lives are. I lost my best friend of almost 20 years after Charlie died, she just vanished. So those who stepped in to help me stay alive I cherish and keep extremely close.
I dont care about too much really...my kiddos, my friends and the environment the rest really doesnt matter anymore. I am a bundle of nerves because I hide my anger and sadness from my precious kiddos. I figure it is unfair for them to be forced to carry the same burdens I do and I want them only to be happy.
My marriage almost fell apart and my body up until recently was covered with stress induced horrendous psoriasis (it is only on my joints now).
I wish for what might have been, keep my fingers crossed that this is all a big nightmare yet live with the reality upon waking every day that this is my new life.
I dont know what will become of me. I only know I have to do whatever it takes to help my other precious kiddos be happy, healthy and grow into successful adults.

lainie

  • nospam
  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 181
    • View Profile
    • www.beheartstrings.com
Re: what has this made you
« Reply #17 on: August 31, 2007, 01:31:21 AM »
I feel like all those things that have been said here.  I feel like I could have written the words Dottie wrote.
I used to be very out-going, now I am in a shell.
I had a couple of friends of 20 years that have just disappeared on me.
I realize now that things that seemed important before no longer do.
It is like living a hollow existance, now.
I have trouble hearing about or seeing other children.
My siblings seem to just go on as though nothing has changed.
I am lost and alone most of the time.
I am not at all the same person as I used to be.  I used to wear makeup everyday.  Now I never wear any, ever.
Everything has changed, and I just want my baby back.
Elaine
My beautiful Brynn
Dec. 14/94 - Jan. 2/07

Dena

  • nospam
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 1252
    • View Profile
Re: what has this made you
« Reply #18 on: August 31, 2007, 05:36:43 PM »
While I am a compassionate person by nature, I am also a no BS person now.  I don't have time for the trivial things that people make a big deal out of.  I don't have time for foolishness and ignorance angers me.

I used to be very driven and a person who lived on edge all the time - driven by deadlines...  I am much more laid back than I ever was.  Life is too short and too precious to ignore the subtle.  I have learned that life isn't all about who has the most toys.  The most important things in life are right in front of you.  Family.

I am not as gullible as I used to be.  The innocence was lost in 1999.  It is hard for me to get really close to people and I don't have best friends that I spend time with, except here of course!

I have become very private. I cherish my privacy now, remembering what it was like to have our lives laid bare.

Love,
Dena, Josh's Mom

Dottie (Tammie's Mom)

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 1134
  • Tammie (My Precious Daughter) 8-9-65/9-14-05
    • View Profile
    • Project Tammie
Re: what has this made you
« Reply #19 on: September 01, 2007, 06:04:52 AM »
After reading what everyone had to say. I say THANK YOU Tom, for this group . Without this safe place to go what would we do?

My siblings are as understanding as they can be, they try. But of course they don't get it how can they.

My friends or let me let me restate that people I thought were friends are long gone. I have new aquaintances but I don't consider ANY friends except the people on this board that truly care and unfortunately do understand. CHANGED PERSON is an understatement for me. My marriage almost fell apart too because even he doesn't get it.

Karen, your a wonderful sister much like mine. YOU care and listening and just letting Brian know you care is so important. Letting him talk and say WHAT he feels not what others think he should be feeling is so important too. Being alone is sometimes just what we need.

It is very lonely after losing a child that space can never be filled. It leaves you a half person.

LOVE AND HUGS TO ALL,
Dottie Tammie's Mom

DantesDad

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 115
  • Love you Dante - see you soon
    • View Profile
    • Dante's tribute page
Re: what has this made you
« Reply #20 on: September 17, 2007, 08:31:05 AM »
I have changed completely.  Some things for the better, some for the worse.  I tend to think a lot more now.  I reflect on things, I look at people differently.  I feel a bond with other grieving parents - even if I have never met them - more then anyone else.

Joy is much harder to come by.  The things that used to make me happy are just things now.  I think about Dante every day, all day.  People look at me and they don't see the same Marty anymore.

My mother-in-law read a book on bereaved parents (that I gave her to read).  I asked her what she thought.  She was not impressed, but she did say that it gave her some insight into "somethings that I do" that she didn't understand before. 

I believe that losing Dante has not made me better or worse.  I am just a different person.

Peace to us all,

Marty - Dante's Dad

Brenda(Jessica's Mom)

  • nospam
  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 243
    • View Profile
    • Jessica Kaiser
Re: what has this made you
« Reply #21 on: September 17, 2007, 10:45:28 AM »
Melissa took the words right out of my mouth. Bitter, angry with the world... hold it all deep inside for the remaining kids sakes. God I know this sounds horrible, but sometimes i resent them, resent having to hold it together for them. And im fearful, of what will happen to me when the youngest leaves the nest and i dont have the kids to use as an excuse to hold it together anymore. Feel like an empty shell, the old Brenda died with her daughter.

CRCmom

  • nospam
  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 227
  • My precious child.
    • View Profile
    • Christian's Memorial Website
Re: what has this made you
« Reply #22 on: September 17, 2007, 03:56:56 PM »
Tough question,

Like most everyone else, I am a different person.  My life was forever changed the day I lost Christian. 

Since Christian died I have raged, cried, hurt myself, wanted to die, hated everyone and everything, felt sorry for myself, been angry at God, lost my friends, and it continues.  I don't want to be resentful and bitter.  Lately I have tried to focus on the reality that Christian is a gift and the time I had with him is so very precious to me.  I wouldn't trade it for anything.  He is still with me, but I miss his being here in person painfully so. 

In most ways, I find myself being more compassionate and tolerant but still very forthright with my opinion and not real tolerant of people who have a choice to do something different. 

Anyway, I don't really know who I am without my son, but I want to be better.

LOVE AND GRACE ON THE JOURNEY,
PAULA


Wadesmom

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 414
    • View Profile
Re: what has this made you
« Reply #23 on: September 20, 2007, 10:23:22 PM »
I am more reserved , reluctant & hestitant,,something that i was not before.

I am cautious to speak & voice my opinion, I listen more now , because I really have nothing to contribute to a conversation.

 I sense when someone is sincere and when someone is not.

 I have started reaching out to those in the community, over the past few months who are in need, (illness, surgery, injury,death, laid off from work)  because the community so  generously did so to us when our son was killed.
 
 I am tuned into teenagers actions, words and emotions, yet find myself easily repelled by adults who find being a parent a pain in the backside. I get easily angered when I see kids being mistreated by their parents in public.

I have noticed that some people worry & talk about alot of insignificant things in life. 

I try not to judge people , but I tried not to judge people  before my son's accident too,
I could take bits and pieces from all the posts listed-and it would probably sum up the way I feel better then my own post.
 
What has this made you?? very confused, uncomfortable, itchy in my own skin, painfully aware that there are no second chances
« Last Edit: September 20, 2007, 10:26:33 PM by Wadesmom »