loss of my dad

[ladybug]

Christiana, it looks as if you have recieved a number of responses. However, I too wish to reach out and let you know that I am praying for you and your family. I too, lost my father to emphysema and lung cancer back in 2005 and my whole world shattered. You see, I was Daddy's girl and the bond I had with him was so strong, I have no words to express it. I felt that sense of fogginess you mentioned, and it seemed as if God was oblivious to my situation. I sat for days after returning back to North Carolina (he lived in Kansas) after the funeral and I was lost. I sat ont he couch seeking comfort in the Bible, but the tears seemed to keep on coming and the pain was still fresh with each passing day. Please believe me when I say that you WILL begin to heal- although the process is slow. May I take a minute to sahre a testimony? Upon hearing of my father's death, I rushed to the airport in Myrtle Beach, SC to get the earlieset flight out to Kansas. The bereavement rate was a whopping $800.00 (which I did not have). As I began to cry and explain my situation, some minutes passed when the flight representative gave me a new price of $54.00. Thinking that the airlines had cut me some kind of deal, the representative kindly told me that a man who was in line with me gave me all of his frequent flyer miles! So even though I thought God didn't care about my pain (and I was angry with God to some extent) He was always on the scene to take care of me. Later, I "saw my father-in the spirit"- I think looking very young and vibrant. He was healthy and looked to be around in his late 30's or early 40's. He said that when I got to Heaven, I would know him and he would know me and he was happy, content, and smiling. I could even hear his heart beat while hugging him. I woke up crying. It was so very real and it definitley was not a dream. My uncle later told me that sometimes, God will give us a glimspe of events like these to encourage us. You be encouraged. I know that you deeply loved your father. Bishop TD Jakes once said that death cannot kill a love as great as ours and human hands cannot bury it.  God loves you, and you and your father will be reunited soon one day. Until we meet in Heaven-Pam

[christina]

 Pam,
 My heart is filled with your kind words. The most amazing thing I am discovering is the beautiful, wonderful people I have come to share my life with. If not for my loss, I would not know any of you.
 Pam, you and others on here are the most special people that I have never had the good fortune of meeting. Yet I feel I know you. I feel we could all be in a room together, all friends. We would be able to laugh, cry and share without trying to make anyone understand, because we already do understand.
 Thank you for sharing with me. Your father and my father sound very similar with their illnesses. My dad had emphysema and throat cancer. My pain is still to big to know what to do. It is a hurt forever with me. Oh Pam, I miss my dad. I miss him so so much. The sadness is so overwhelming sometimes. My mind still dazes. Still an underwater fog feeling. When I think of my dad it is still like a jolt to remember him as gone.
 Again, I can't thank you enough for giving me time and telling me your feelings. It is a blessing to chat with you.                         God Bless,           
                                                                                           Christina

[Lost]

Christina,
    I fell the same way also. I think if we were all in a room together we would know who was who, and there would be no reason to explain anything we all understand. We will never forget our loved ones no matter what the relationship. One loss cannot be compared with another. We all hurt, maybe just in different ways. Maybe one day we can learn to live with our loss. I feel like I have made alot of friends on here who do not judge you.

[Lonnie]

Pam, Lost and Christina: What beautiful, wonderful thoughts you have all shared about our group. I treasure all of you just as much (or more) than some of my "everyday" friends. (It is one of the good things that has come out of tragedy.) We found friends who understand, listen, and care. What an awesome gift! 
And it is so great to get some of the men's perspectives on grief. It seems lately, that we have a few more men on the board, and that's so nice!
Love each one of you, Lonnie

[christina]

  Hi all,
 I am very happy to have all of you in my life. It has helped me so so much. Knowing I can come on and just type away at my computer. I have someplace to store away my feelings. That is a true blessing for me. It is a place I keep my dad when I want to visit him. I know that may sound odd. I don't mean it in that way. But I feel as though my dad along with your loved ones are here with us. A place we can come to sit a while and reminisce.
Lonnie, I think having a man's opinion is a great asset as well. It helps me understand my husband a little better. I have gone back reading older posts. The one thing I feel is men grieve just as much as women but show it outwardly so different. That is just my opinion. My husband is quiet. Doesn't talk a lot about feelings. But when he has cried I feel such a deep love for him because I know in his mind it is showing weakness. Which is just not true! I think men have to carry a lot on their shoulders. I know with my husband he feels obligated to comfort me and take care of us. I know he must be thinking if he bends a little to show he may also need comforting he is not being tough enough. That makes me feel so sad. I feel as though I use him a bit because I forget he needs to vent too.
I don't mean to make lite about this but I can be cooking and bawling. I can watch tv crying my eyes out then suddenly be fine. I can cry, sob, yell, hyperventilate, scream, be angry, sniffle a little, be depressed, on edge, weak, vulnerable (and sometimes just shake it off)... on and on and on.  I can get away without much explanation because I am a women! I literally can act insane and just say.. Oh, Just give me a minute, I'm ok.  And everything I just mentioned is me! I have been all of that and more. Now when I think of my husband acting out as I have in this way. That would (for lack of a better word) freak me out! I would think he went wacky! Wow, that is just so unfair! I feel terrible because I realize that is what I am giving to my family. And then expecting them to just take it. I know I get over my moments but I take then along for the ride! I have got to work on that. It is only when I am in the middle of one of my many meltdowns that I stop and tell myself DEAL WITH THIS AND MOVE ON!! SO, I am trying to be better at apologizing. To show them just how much I love them. How much I am grateful for their love and understanding.
Wow, this crazy life.  Ups~ downs. But we move forward and what a blessing I have all of you to move forward with! (I'm taking you along for my emotional ride)  )  Thank you.
And Lost, I mean this with friendship and a smile...(including all of you other wonderful men who share with us)
THANK YOU FOR BEING A MAN!    )  Have a great day all.
                                                           Much love, Christina

[Lost]

Thanks Christina,
               I know your husband hurts, and hurts for you. I guess we just have a different way of showing emotion. A few years ago I would have never thought I would be sharing my feelings with people I called strangers, but the more I leave, and answers post the more everyone becomes friends. I have never did any sort of chat until now. It's as I think you and kelly were talking, we could all be in the same room and I think we would all know each other. I would be be the one everybody thought was a drunk.    
                                 (from the stroke)    
                             Hope you have a good day.
                                        Thanks.