Author Topic: loss of my dad  (Read 53021 times)

Lonnie

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Re: loss of my dad
« Reply #15 on: August 26, 2007, 06:48:27 PM »
Christina: Thank you for a loving, compassionate, caring and just plain beautiful post! Hugs-Lonnie  :)

Crushed

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Re: loss of my dad
« Reply #16 on: August 27, 2007, 03:17:22 PM »
Christina: Your post showed so much insight to this whole thing. Very nicely written. We can't go back and redo, but we can go foreword and do it differently. Good luck.

christina

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Re: loss of my dad
« Reply #17 on: August 31, 2007, 06:50:43 AM »
Good Morning Everyone,
   Today, Friday Aug. 31st. I have had a few bad days. I know no one can give an exact time. But how long before I maybe won't feel my head is in a fog? It's as though I'm here but not part of anything? I visited my dads grave. That is just so strange as well. It all seems like a movie. Like it is just not real. Most time I am feeling ok. It is only so often that I get whammied in the stomach by a pang of sadness. Missing is hard. Accepting loss and knowing on this earth we will not see our loved one again. I pray harder and try to have more faith. I hope you all have a wonderful day. If I smile I've noticed, even if I don't feel like it. I do feel better. Even if no one sees you. It does help.  Blessings to you all.
                                                                          Christina
Blessings, Christina

kelly37

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Re: loss of my dad
« Reply #18 on: August 31, 2007, 08:17:08 AM »
Good Morning Christina,
I can just give my experience on what you're feeling  but it is all part of the process.  My dad has been gone a year, prior to loosing him I lost my brother 5 years ago, so this "fog" is going to be w/you for a while---take it from me :0.  The haziness, the zombie feeling, the "how am I going to live" feeling, the "I miss my dad/brother & it's not fair" feeling, etc.....I could go on & on but we're in the same boat so you know what I mean.  I think the fog is a protector for us during the healing stage.

Looking back I didn't realize it, but I was a zombie.  I just did my routine things but now I really don't remember what I did this past year.  Shortly after his funeral, I'd visit his grave & just yell at him for riding his Harley even after loosing my brother the same way! I was angry. 

I lost my faith over the year! Now for my own therapy I'm reading books & realizing that I have to believe in "life after death" or I wouldn't be able to go on!!!  When I'm feeling down which is a lot these days, I try to remember what I've read from people w/Near Death Experiences who say they've been to Heaven & back & it really helps me! At first I blamed God for these accidents & I'm trying to get over that.  Each day I say is going to be a little better from here on out----I have to make it that way even when I'm down. 

I hope you do feel better but please give it time.  The bad days that come when things seem to be going good definitely take me for a loop! I hate it! I'm making a video tribute to my dad & brother & going through old family photos & my heart aches during the whole thing.  But I know they're watching me & they can hear me----so talk (even though some people who haven't been through what we have think we're crazy) to your dad & let your feelings out!

Hugs to you today!
Kelly
Dad & Keith,
Memories of you......I miss you both!
"Look Twice Save a Life"

christina

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Re: loss of my dad
« Reply #19 on: August 31, 2007, 12:06:36 PM »
Thank you kelly.
Blessings, Christina

Lonnie

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Re: loss of my dad
« Reply #20 on: August 31, 2007, 02:34:22 PM »
Christina: I lost my dad just a little over 2 years ago, and I can honestly say that it has taken me this long to even start to feel "right" again. Of course, I have the added stress of caring for my aging, ill mom as well. But the whole first year, I don't think it seemed real. So just know that you will probably be dealing with the grief for quite some time. It tends to come in waves that wash over you, and then the tide goes back out (for awhile). Thinking of you, Lonnie

DianasMemory

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Re: loss of my dad
« Reply #21 on: August 31, 2007, 04:45:33 PM »
I lost my mom about three months ago and it is still hard.  In the begining I went to a event and had my shirt inside out.  someone mentioned it and I said I was lucky I remembered clothing.  To tell you the truth I was.  Lately, I've been sad and I sure I miss her as I look at the only picture I have of her.  I'm still in the fog but now I know what day it is.  It still hard and I cry but I also canlaugh every now and then.  We were buddies and spoke all the time.  I don't have friend I can share every moment like I did with my mom. I get through one at a time.  I know my name and my clothes are not inside out.  The fog is lifting a little.  I go on for my son.  I'm full time in the special education credential for teaching.  This was my promise to my mom I would become a teacher.  I'm stressing wanting to give up but I can not break my promise.  I will get through it.  It does get better slowly is what I am finding out.
 
Stephanie

christina

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Re: loss of my dad
« Reply #22 on: August 31, 2007, 06:36:28 PM »
Hello All,
  Just saying thank you doesn't seem enough. Reading my posts show you care about my feelings. I have now spent long periods at this site reading about other peoples losses. Your children, husbands, wives. Everyone's losses. I feel like I woke up reading these and now see outside of myself. I feel a bit ashamed to know it has taken a death for me to see the vulnerabilities we have. I think life should be more simple. People are so much a like, no matter what differences we have. We have family. jobs, friends. There should be no strangers in this world. We all need the same stuff. I have never been a theorist or philosopher  :) but when I was reading many of these entries I felt like they are my words too. All the comments about the pain, tears, unfairness, strange moments, memories, laughs ... all of it. It's as though some of you found the words I want to say.. I appreciate your hurt and want so much to make you all feel better because somehow it has made me to feel better to find you. I sit here and I think of us sitting at our computer. Staring at a screen, looking for some kind of an answer. A way to not be angry or sad. A message or sign that we will go on and be ok. I am scared of not being ok, but my knowing that someone may read this and feel a little better gives me a sense of doing something good. And that gives me hope. I hate that we have losses. I miss my dad every second. I still sit in my fog. I feel sick. The pain and the tears rip me part. My ears ring and it is surreal. A movie. And as many of you have told me I will feel this way perhaps a long time but I'm so happy I have this site. It feels like a safe place to come and visit. Thank you                            Christina
Blessings, Christina

Lonnie

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Re: loss of my dad
« Reply #23 on: August 31, 2007, 10:16:14 PM »
Stephanie: I did the same thing-had my jacket inside out and wore it that way a good bit of the day!  ;D We are doing good to function at all, aren't we?   ::) I also felt that way when my dad was so sick in the hospital for several weeks. You know how tired you get going there, and yet you need to be there, and you just stay so exhausted. I get crazy now trying to take care of my mom and her doctor's appointments, errands, hair appointments, groceries, banking, etc. (She no longer drives.) It's amazing how much it takes to keep our lives going, and living for 2 is a challenge, not to mention caring for my own family.
I know you will be a wonderful teacher, and your mom will be so proud! And you are a good mom to your son. I know you miss your best friend so much, but I am sure she is there in spirit, still caring about your life. But we wish they were here with us, don't we? Many Hugs-Lonnie

christina

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My dads birthday was yesterday..Sept.2
« Reply #24 on: September 03, 2007, 03:43:22 PM »
Yesterday was my dads birthday. I talked with my mom and she said she didn't want to hear anything about dad. She said she is not able to go to the gravesite. My sister has been angry and mean since my dad passed. My brother just doesn't talk. He has he's head in the engine of his truck. I go to dads grave and am not sure if I feel comfort or just loss. Reading my last entries it seems all I wrote was how wonderful the world should be and how people should treat each other. I think today the world just sucks. My head hurts all of the time. Loss loss loss I feel so much loss. My dad was not young. He would have been 77 yesterday. But I just want him back. My heart breaks from missing him. Wanting to do things different with him, for him. Today sucks. Everyone around me sucks. I am tired of people calling me and asking how I am doing? What do I say??? Good? Bad? What words do they want to hear?  I am just doing.
Stephanie, Lonnie..I went to the store today with my husbands boxers on. I realized when I came back home. I thought I had shorts on. You had just written that you both wore things inside out and didn't know it. I thought by my reading this I was making sure to check myself before I went any place. I must have looked like a crazy person.
« Last Edit: September 03, 2007, 03:52:38 PM by christina »
Blessings, Christina

kelly37

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Re: loss of my dad
« Reply #25 on: September 03, 2007, 03:59:33 PM »
Christina,
I just get so tired of hearing people say "how are you".....like I said before do they really wanna know? If they have a couple hours they can feel free to sit down & I'll tell them how unfair life is & it sucks! But like you I just say "I'm good".  Deep down I'm angry & wanna scream at them "I lost my dad & brother you idiots; how do you think I feel"!  My dad was only 65 when he died last year, getting ready to retire & enjoy life! He didn't get to do that.  I've had a couple down days in the last week but I'm better today. There are so many things I would've done differently w/my dad if only I could've seen into the future!  We became really close in the past 5 years (since my brother had died).   He was very different in the 3 months or so prior to his accident & I often wonder if they sometimes know something's going to happen.  I'm very thankful for the father/daughter bond we got to have but I so badly want him here w/us NOW.  To see my kids grow, play sports, eat dinner w/us, celebrate family events etc....It hurts all the time.  As if loosing my brother wasn't bad enough, a parent is definitely a different type of lose!!! 

I read your posts & they always make me feel so much better. You have a wonderful way w/words! I hope that gives you some kind of comfort.  When I was feeling so down, I read your posts & they have such meaning.  It made me wake up & stop feeling so down b/c there are people out there just like me!  I'm sorry I can't make you feel better but just coming here & venting helps me so I hope it gives you peace too!

I hope you have a better day tomorrow....
Hugs,
Kelly
Dad & Keith,
Memories of you......I miss you both!
"Look Twice Save a Life"

Lonnie

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Re: loss of my dad
« Reply #26 on: September 03, 2007, 10:32:52 PM »
Christina: I hate the word "sucks", but this past week after I had been with my mom tottering around all day off balance, and she had gone low unexpectedly (blood sugar) and I had to save her life once again, I was worn out. I came home and said, "My life sucks!!!!!"  ;D There I said it, but immediately felt guilty, of course. I thought of all the people in the world who have it so much worse, and I guess I felt guilty that I wasn't grateful for what I DO have. But a long time ago, I felt like God told me in my heart, that He did not look at people's situations like that. Everyone is individual to Him, and if I'm hurting, then I'm hurting!!!!! (And it doesn't matter at the moment, if Sue down the street is hurting worse. Right?) Sometimes we just have to go with the feelings and let ourselves express them! What might be difficult for me, might be easy to you and vice versa, but our pain is very real to us. You mentioned about everyone around you finding their own ways to deal with your dad's death-your mom's depression, your sister's meaness and anger, your brother hiding under the hood of his car, avoiding it all.) I guess they are all doing the best they can, but that sure leaves you feeling isolated at times, doesn't it?
I must say that your story about wearing your husband's boxers to the store had me reeling!!! :D Grief makes us do the craziest things!!!! Our whole lives are turned upside down, and it's a good thing we get dressed at all, isn't it? Just wanted to let you know I hear ya', and hang in there! Love, Lonnie

Crushed

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Re: loss of my dad
« Reply #27 on: September 04, 2007, 06:58:07 AM »
I hear you and I am thinking of you as you work your way through this. you are doing well and I have read that you have to feel to heal and if you avoid your emotions they will come out in other ways. It sounds to me like your family is experiencing some of that. You have to take care of yourself and do what's right for you.
It will get easier in time and the fog will lift and you will find joy and peace. I wanted to take the speed route through all of this.... but we can't and God has set the course and we each walk at our own pace. Take limes and make some smiles today.

christina

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First day of school....
« Reply #28 on: September 06, 2007, 06:00:51 AM »
 Good Morning Everyone,
  Well, My little boy started 1st grade yesterday. What a cutie he is. He rode the bus for the first time. I was so nervous about it that I went to the school to wait for his bus (plus to get a picture at school) So I wait and wait.. His bus finally pulls up (the last bus I might add) The kids get off ... here I am waiting to snap my camera.. and low and behold my Jacob is not on the bus!!! Frantic I ask the bus driver where is my child?? and she started to laugh and told me he must have gotten off at the wrong school.  The other school was then calling saying they had Jacob and all was fine. They sent another bus to pick him up. (I wanted to go and get him, they said no it's ok) The bus pulls up to his school. I see this little head on the big bus. I'm ready to cry and expecting him to be crying. But there he was all smiles. He got off and said Mommy I made a big mistake. I asked him what he thought when he got off at the wrong school and he said.... "Well, this sure is the wrong place." We and the teachers got a laugh.
 I guess no harm done. He was always safe. The rest of his day went fine. He came home happy and tired. Last year Kindergarten was only 8:30 am to 10:50 am. and I drove him. This year it is 7:30 am for bus until 3:10 pm bus drop off. Long day.
 The funny thing is I was fine at the school yesterday morning, but when I came home I bawled my eyes out. I was alone. I cried partly because last year my dad (from his hospital bed.. in our dining rm.) would salute Jacob and Jacob to Poppy before and after school. ( My dad was a very proud Marine) Anyway, they spent a lot of time together and were very close. My dad would get such a kick out of Jacob with his school attire and cute attitude. Both of my children love their Poppy very much. I think my oldest Corey (19) feels a duty to go into the service for his Poppy. (and our country). Now I fear what will happen with him.
 Have a nice day all.  Thank you for sharing your time with me and listening to my scary first day of school. This morning I did not go to Jacob's school. I know I have to trust other people and that things turn out ok. So ok I'm crying a little. Still miss my dad.. It is not easier yet. Lots of pain. Fear of the future. But it's another day.                              With Friendship,  Christina
« Last Edit: September 06, 2007, 06:02:49 AM by christina »
Blessings, Christina

Lonnie

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Re: loss of my dad
« Reply #29 on: September 06, 2007, 11:11:37 AM »
Christina: Thank you for sharing this wonderful story of your little boy's first day at first grade! You write so well, and I felt like I was there with you, experiencing it all. He is a sport, isn't he? Brave and courageous, with a sense of humor thrown in.  ;D Your dad would be proud! (Probably saluted him from heaven!)  My dad was also a Marine. He served in the Korean War and got a Purple Heart. I know you miss him so very much! Keep writing. You bless me with your thoughts! Love, Lonnie