Okay, Lainie,
So, here I am again, posting on top of one of my own posts...but I want to see your picture and your message REALLY soon. I want to stay connected to people who feel the same way I do. And, I know you do.
This afternoon, my rage was so HUGE, because I saw three of the kids who we know have information about how Owen died, but won't tell. I talked to the detective on Owen's case. I talked to my older son, who is going CRAZY, with the questions. And, we still have no answers as to what happened that night.
I know you feel alone, but you mentioned your parents in one of your posts recently. Do they live near you? Can you visit them often? Do you talk with them on the phone? They are grieving for Brynn in a double-layered way, in their grief for losing her, and in their desperation in worrying about you, and hoping you find your way through this maze of unknowable pain. I pray you have them to lean on.
If not, then lean on us more than you want to. We're here in this strange place called the internet, but also, in real time (no matter the time zone). We read, we write, and we feel together.
What are your resources for help with your grief? Have you tried counseling? Have you talked with a health practitioner? Do you talk with other grieving parents outside of this board? Maybe someone on this board has information about resources near you. Maybe you don't feel like you can pick up the phone, but maybe you can push one number, and the next day, push another.
I would rather stay in bed until the end. But, I can't. I wake up each day, and there it is again. The stabbing pain of losing Owen. At a certain point, my right foot hits the floor, then the left, and I'm sitting up, waiting for some invisible force that points me toward the shower. I hope you have something like faith, or my "invisible force" that points you toward each day. How do you fill your time?
I've asked too many questions, and I'm attempting to get your answers. Maybe I'm just too much. Tell me to shut up if I am. Or, tell me you're okay, and moving through your days.
Kiss Brynn goodnight for me, and for Owen. I don't know why I think they are friends, but I do. He was always a good friend to young kids who needed a hand.
Love,
Linda
Owen's mom