Author Topic: I'm in a crisis  (Read 11301 times)

luckyladyb

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Re: I'm in a crisis
« Reply #15 on: August 14, 2007, 05:45:54 AM »
Lainie,
I thought of a video that I have watched a few times since my son died in April. It's "Portraits of Hope".
 I ordered it from the website, Griefhaven.org.
In it several parents discuss the loss of their children. One Mom in particular talks about grief and the fact that it's non-linear.  That comment is ever so true.  We have good days and bad and ups and downs.
I've spent the last couple of days sorting, folding and deciding what to do with Jason's belongings. It's so hard. He was a vibrant human being as was your daughter and all the other precious children we gather here to talk about and remember.
There is no magic cure and nothing that makes the pain go away. We are living hell here on earth.
I keep thinking about the dream where Jason seemed so real and he just hugged me and patted me on the back. I feel his presence, even when the pain clouds my eyes with tears and I don't want to go on another minute.
Of course, I want him here filling my days with his voice, laughter and humor. But, I only have his presence in memory now.
I  went to a doctor when I was low and wanting to die.  She gave me something for sleep and an anti-depressant.  You do feel better when you sleep and I only took the anti-depressant for a couple of weeks. I came out of that crisis.
I don't know what keeps us going.  Sometimes I think it's the commraderie with everyone who understands and knows what we mean and where we're at when we cry out that we're in crisis.
Talk to us about Brynn. Tell us what you miss.  Yes,  that means telling us everything about her!
Sending warm wishes for peace and comfort,
Jay's Mom, Bonnie

lainie

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Re: I'm in a crisis
« Reply #16 on: August 14, 2007, 02:06:50 PM »
I remember once that Brynn insisted on eating everything with chopsticks for about a week, even her cereal!  I kept telling her to give it up and use a fork, or spoon for whatever she was eating but she insisted on making it work with chopsticks - for everything!  After about a week, she just as promptly quit.
I remember how Brynn adorned everything she could.  She tied ribbon bows on all of our clothes hangers, and ribbon bows on the radio antenna, and made and hung beaded, woven mobiles all over the house.
I remember when we were having financial difficulties, and Bryn said, "it's okay Mommy, I wouldn't mind if we had to live in a tent, as long as we're together."
I remember how everday she told me how much she loved me.
I can't write any more right now.
Elaine
My beautiful Brynn
Dec. 14/94 - Jan. 2/07

Lonnie

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Re: I'm in a crisis
« Reply #17 on: August 14, 2007, 03:38:46 PM »
Elaine: What precious, precious memories. Eating with chopsticks for a week, and decorating the clothes hangers with bows!  :) Brynn was SO creative, and she would be so proud of you for carrying her legacy on through the jewelry and the scholarships. How wonderful what she said about living in a tent. (It would be okay as long as you were together!) And to have her tell you everyday how much she loved you. As much as it hurts to write these things, they will bring comfort at times. You are a wonderful mom! And to hear about your beautiful Brynnie blesses us all. Prayers and Hugs-Lonnie

Dena

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Re: I'm in a crisis
« Reply #18 on: August 14, 2007, 04:11:45 PM »
Elaine - Our children still tell us everyday that they love us.  It is not as "loud" as it once was and sometimes we must push ourselves to take notice.

....It is there in the gentle kiss of the breeze and the warmth of the sun on our skin.

.....It is there in the gentle bird's song

.....It is there in the beautiful scent of the roses

....They wink at us in the twinkle of stars.

There are many nights I sit out in the dark and just think. Over the years, I have named stars for each of our children here.  Brynn's star is right there with the Riley Roo and so many other stars.

Hold on tight to the good memories and to us.

Love,
Dena, Josh's Mom

owensmom

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Re: I'm in a crisis
« Reply #19 on: August 14, 2007, 11:25:51 PM »
Hi Lainie,

We actually did live in a tent for nine days, between moves, when Nat and Owen were little, and we made it a "vacation" when in reality, we just didn't have enough money to stay anywhere else.  Money and all that it means, is evasive, and therefore, not worthy of our energy.  But, the almighty dollar (whether Canadian or US, or elsewhere) helps when we have to pay the bills, eh?

Those stories, about Brynn, those are what keep us going...those stories about our beautiful children, who were so unimaginably snatched from us...we hold them dear, and always will.

Write to us whenever you can.  I know how difficult it is to sit at a computer monitor and watch the letters appear, when all we want is for our kids to walk in the front door, and tell us about something that happened in their day.

They are not going to walk in the front door again.   But, there is nothing stopping us from continuing our love for them.  We can talk to them, look for the signs they send to us, and look forward to the day when we meet them again. 

My belief, is that they want us to make SOMETHING happen here in their honor.  I believe you are doing just that.  Keep visiting us...these people who "get" your pain and your love.

Love,
Linda
Owen's mom



owensmom

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Re: I'm in a crisis
« Reply #20 on: August 17, 2007, 12:21:23 AM »
Okay, Lainie,

So, here I am again, posting on top of one of my own posts...but I want to see your picture and your message REALLY soon.  I want to stay connected to people who feel the same way I do.  And, I know you do.

This afternoon, my rage was so HUGE, because I saw three of the kids who we know have information about how Owen died, but won't tell.  I talked to the detective on Owen's case.  I talked to my older son, who is going CRAZY, with the questions.  And, we still have no answers as to what happened that night. 

I know you feel alone, but you mentioned your parents in one of your posts recently.  Do they live near you?  Can you visit them often?  Do you talk with them on the phone?  They are grieving for Brynn in a double-layered way, in their grief for losing her, and in their desperation in worrying about you, and hoping you find your way through this maze of unknowable pain.  I pray you have them to lean on. 

If not, then lean on us more than you want to.  We're here in this strange place called the internet, but also, in real time (no matter the time zone).  We read, we write, and we feel together.

What are your resources for help with your grief?  Have you tried counseling?  Have you talked with a health practitioner?  Do you talk with other grieving parents outside of this board?  Maybe someone on this board has information about resources near you.  Maybe you don't feel like you can pick up the phone, but maybe you can push one number, and the next day, push another. 

I would rather stay in bed until the end.  But, I can't.  I wake up each day, and there it is again.  The stabbing pain of losing Owen.  At a certain point, my right foot hits the floor, then the left, and I'm sitting up, waiting for some invisible force that points me toward the shower.  I hope you have something like faith, or my "invisible force" that points you toward each day.  How do you fill your time?

I've asked too many questions, and I'm attempting to get your answers.  Maybe I'm just too much.  Tell me to shut up if I am.  Or, tell me you're okay, and moving through your days.

Kiss Brynn goodnight for me, and for Owen.  I don't know why I think they are friends, but I do.  He was always a good friend to young kids who needed a hand.

Love,
Linda
Owen's mom

sandy2

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Re: I'm in a crisis
« Reply #21 on: August 17, 2007, 07:22:40 PM »
LAINNE, PLEASE WRITE & LET US KNOW HOW YOUR DOING .WE SURE DO MISS YOUR POST & YOUR BEAUTIFUL PICTURES. HOPE YOUR SRRENTH IS GETTING BETTER , LIKE WE HAVE ANY ! GOD BLESS YOU LADY . LOV & HUGS SANDY SHANES MOM

LaVonne

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Re: I'm in a crisis
« Reply #22 on: August 18, 2007, 07:55:27 AM »
Lainie

 Just a little late but as they say better late than never.I so feel your pain and have been down this road a long time. It gets softer and you will again smile but only when you are ready. Take one step at a time and sometimes like me when you start to climb that mountain you sometimes fall and thats ok. Just get back up brush yourself off and start again. Someday i hope you will get to the top and only then will you see the beauty and the love that is waiting for you.  Brynn is so beautiful and i know she is with you but we just can't see them. Take care and take one step at a time slowly and only at your pace,no ones elses.  Hugs sent to you and God Bless.  LaVonne