I just have to vent somewhere.
I just came home from Grief Group, and lsitening to the stories of grief and desperation and then reading these post on this sight for weeks.
I cannot feel like all of you feel. I love him as much as he let me, Mine was crule, mean and very controlling and an Alcoholic. I stayed with him because I Loved him and I always believed he would stop and we would at last have a good marriage, I dont feel lonesome, I was for the 42 years we were married, I have no one to share my real feelings, and I never did, and I just have to say these things.
I miss him not being here.
He was never here when I went to bed, we hadnt splet in the same room in over 20 yrs, he had insomina. many a night I lay and cried wanting that touch of compassion, and a companionship.
I am a christian and I believe God put us together and he would keep us together as long as he wanted us to be together. I do mourn, but not for what we had , for what we might have had, He had been sober for 2 yrs and things were good for two years, I am thankful I had that. I Grieve , for the good times we never had because he was always drunk. We put on a good front at achurch and only one person really knew what our life was really like at home.
He never wanted company , family or friends. We never went to parties together , I always went alone, so I dont grieve for him when I go places I always went alone anyway .
At the Service for him all his co-workers and friends gave such glowing feeling for him,, I and my children never knew that man, we always prayed to know him and at times we did, and we live now on the good time. We dont condem him he did the best he knew how, He was an abused child and adolesent, He was bi-polar and he was one of Gods children.
I wonder why, a lot, I dont regret staying with him, He needed me and I loved him. I pray for a release of what we will never have together, I grieve for the tenderness he could not give.
I cry because no one understands , as I do not understand how so many of you had such loving feeling and desperation at the loss of a spouse, I dont ,, How can I grieve for what I never had !!!
I dont expect anyone to reply to this. I know how awful it must sound to some of you with such loving and compasinate marriages. I just had to vent and try to get over this feeling of guilt because Im not criing my eyes out, Im not celebrating by anymeans , I do miss him and I do have some depression and I do cry . I had such high hopes for our senior years.
I cannot really be too sad, because hes not having those horrible nightmares, and those feelings of being lost. Of trying to be a better man and failing. Those tormenting memories of his childhood are gone and God has given him peace and this I am happy for I cannot be sad he is finally at peace.
If anyone reads this please dont judge me for sharing such awful things , He is missed and I did Love him, but I did not have a good marriage as many of you did. I wanted it , it just was not ment to be.
gulity and longing for what I will now never have nor the hope for a better marriage is gone>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>