Author Topic: emotionless  (Read 6272 times)

mandy.luera

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emotionless
« on: August 08, 2007, 03:42:29 PM »
My sister died July 5, 2007 she just turned twenty years old June 1st.  When she died I cried for a minute and haven't been able to cry anymore when i start to cry i'll stop myself.  I don't know why i won't let myself cry?  My mom says it's cause i don't want to let her go others say i'm still in shock.  She was my little sister but she would call me mamaz cuz she thought of me as her mom i helped raise her.  She even lived with me and now i can't be home really cause i'm scared i'll fall asleep and i can't i have three children 3 yr old twin boys and a 6 month old but all i want to do is sleep and that's never happened.  But when people come up to me to say sorry about my sister they look at me like why isn't she crying i couldn't even cry for her funeral i guess it's cuz i can't believe she's gone i still keep on thinking she's gonna walk through the door any day.  Is it just that i can't let go or what?
*MANDY*

Becky18

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Re: emotionless
« Reply #1 on: August 08, 2007, 04:43:39 PM »
{{Mandy}}  Welcome to a safe place where you can cry, or not cry and no one judges you. I'm a newbie here too (although my brothers death occured 7 years ago) and I want to share my experience with you.

When my brother died  (of suicide) I could'nt cry either. Not when I found him, not when we had to vacate  his apt. that very day, not when I picked up my girls from school. That night I did, briefly, I think out of shock more than anything. And then, for days on end I couldn't cry. I didn't cry at the memorial that we had at my sisters house either. Infact, I laughed.

I realize now that it was indeed shock, disbelief and my refusal to believe his death that made me bring up every funny thing I could remember. Thank God my family didn't think it rude, but understood how I was feeling and laughed along with me at remembered antics.
 
But, some people made rude comments later that evening at our local pub about how I didn't seem to be grieving. Let me tell you, my best friend made mince meat, verbally, out of those poor people. She stuck up for me in telling them that my grief went beyond tears, and unless they were personally in the "survivors of suicide" club that they would never know the  depth of my pain.

Well, I can return that favor now. You aren't crazy, there's nothing at all wrong with you. As I finally did, you will cry too Mandy.  You just aren't ready, and I'm sticking up for you.  Whether it be a single tear or a gully washer, you will eventually cry, in your own time and place.

And when you do, come here. We've got strong shoulders, good ears and plenty of kleenex.
Becky

Lonnie

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Re: emotionless
« Reply #2 on: August 08, 2007, 06:27:37 PM »
Mandy: I wanted to welcome you to the board, and hope that it will be a source of comfort to you! My mom went through something similar. After my dad's organs shut down in the hospital, due to a long list of complications as a result of triple bypass, the nurses bathed him and said we could go in. I absolutely wailed out loud. My mom just sat there completely stunned. She tells me that she has a difficult time crying even now, and letting it out that way. She wishes she could because she feels that it would do her good, but the tears have not flowed freely for her, and she was absolutely devastated by the loss of her husband of 44 years. In fact, he retired to be her caregiver, as she has so many things wrong. No one ever dreamed that he would die first. So don't feel like you are strange. People handle things differently, and I believe you are still in shock. Even though you have been through the funeral and all, your heart hasn't yet caught up with your head.  Like Becky said, it will probably truly sink in later. And you said all you want to do is sleep (a form of escape from the reality), and I CAN'T sleep since my dad died, and I have the care of my mom. It's almost pathological for me. I started staying up all night, and it's been 2 years now! So we all do "crazy things" that aren't really crazy at all. Our nervous system has taken a hit, and the wiring is somewhat malfunctioning. You are still in shock. Also, this society rushes through everything so fast, that we really don't have proper time to grieve. We go through the visitation, the funeral, etc. lightning fast, and then it's all over, and we haven't even had time to realize what happened. Please drop by whenever you'd like to talk about your sister. We're here for you, and are so sorry to hear that she died, and at such a young age.  Tell us more about her when you feel like it. Hugs-Lonnie
« Last Edit: August 08, 2007, 07:06:37 PM by Lonnie »

Crushed

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Re: emotionless
« Reply #3 on: August 08, 2007, 09:51:03 PM »
Mandy, I am so sorry for your loss and your being a member of the club none of us wanted to join.
I get so tired of people who think they have the answers on how and what others should do with their grief. Who made them the expert anyway? We are all different and there is no right or wrong way.
This is all so new for you and you are in shock and will be for awhile. It's the only way we can get by for awhile. Your emotions are all mixed up and you may not cry and you may start one day and think you won't stop. Please go with the flow and go where the emotions take you. As hard as it is, it is better and healthier if you don't try to block anything. For awhile you will be bouncing all over the place, but amazingly will begin to settle down and start to process everything in a few months. I have come along way in the last 6 months and am so thankful to have the terrible aching pain subside. It visits often, but I do have some respite from it also. If you need some help to help you at first, ask for it. It's ok to take meds to help you sleep and not feel such depression or anxiety. Please find a way to have some laughter as it puts good chemicals in to your body and is in no way dishonoring your loved one. Be gentle with yourself and get enough rest and eat right. That is really important. I am glad that you have found this site so soon and it has really helped me cope better. There is a lot of love and understanding here and no one will judge you for feeling whatever you feel.
« Last Edit: August 16, 2007, 06:33:04 PM by Crushed »

jazzgirl

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Re: emotionless
« Reply #4 on: August 08, 2007, 10:01:07 PM »
Hey Mandy, My sister was just like that when my brother died. It has been over 1 1/2 years and she really doesn't cry over it. I don't think it means anything. Everyone has different ways of grieving. One way or another, you seem to get yourself thru it.  I'm not that tough. I cried like a baby and I still cry. My father consumed himself in his geneology. My mom talks to people all the time.  There is just no right or wrong way. It is just there. Just know this is a great place to let your feelings out. Good luck with your journey.

Jazzgirl

Marylou

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Re: emotionless
« Reply #5 on: August 09, 2007, 04:22:02 AM »
Dear Emotionless, just read about your sister, I am sooooo sorry and I do know what your going threw. I lost my son and cried for weeks,6 years and I still cry. I lost my only true love, my husband of almost 45 years and didn't cry till months later. It is a year today of that terrible day and now I can cry in a sec. I had been hurt in the accident, head injury, so I thought maybe that was why I reacted the way I did. No, now I know I just didn't want to except the fact that he was gone and never was I to see him on this earth again. Don't let any one tell you how you should act, everyone is different. I had a lady tell me at his funeral, I wasn't acting right, what is right???
It will take time, how long, maybe forever, no one has a time frame. Death is soooo unfair, one can not believe your life can have so much sadness, until you go threw this, it is not FAIR!!
My only help, was a stronge faith in GOD! if I didn't have God in my life, I would hate to think how I could ever have handle all this pain and grief .
So I am thinking of you on this Sad day, and pray the day will come when life for you will be alittle back to normal. I can't say it will be like it was, because it won't, your loss is much and nothing and I mean nothing will take that away! Just know we are all thinking of you and hope you knowing that will help.
Crying now - Mary lou

mandy.luera

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Re: emotionless
« Reply #6 on: August 13, 2007, 05:42:09 PM »
Thank you all for helping me understand that it's normal and that people have different ways of grieving.  I think of her alot especially because she would always watch out for me, even though I was five years older.  She would tell me i let people take advantage of me and let them walk all over me, but when she started living with me she stopped all that.  She was my best friend.  She died of a head trauma.  The day of the accident she got hit by a big F-350 truck that was speeding.  When it hit her the blazer spun, the driver side door was bent in, it broke the middle console which made the seatbelt snap open and my sister fell out of the blazer hitting her head first.  her friend who was with her was alright thank God she had cuts and bruises and the guy that hit them only had a scratch on his face.  we thought my sister would live but her brain swelled up too much and cut off circulation to her brain.  i'll tell you all more another time i hate to think of that time sorry.
*MANDY*

Crushed

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Re: emotionless
« Reply #7 on: August 13, 2007, 06:33:03 PM »
Mandy, My husband died from falling out of his car also and had blunt force trauma among other things. I don't like to think about how badly hurt he was either. I think he died instantly though. Your sister was so young and had so much ahead of her and that causes even more pain. Please take care of your self and know that others are here to listen when ever you feel like talking.

AllysonD

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Re: emotionless
« Reply #8 on: August 15, 2007, 10:37:27 AM »
Sorry I'm late on this but what the others have said Mandy, is correct. There is no one proper way to grieve. For some it may be crying, getting mad, throwing things, and for some it may be joining a grief group and talking or volunteering for a cause or something like that. Or it may be a combination of these.

When my little brother died in April (he was 26), I cried. A lot. But a few days after we got the news, I couldnt cry. I think I was in shock. I had an aunt (well meaning, I'm sure) who said "you really dont need to hold it all in. Psychiatrists say that is harmful!" Now this is a woman with barely a high school education spouting psychological theories to a woman whose brother has just been found dead at 26! How dare she?!

Thankfully I kept my wits and replied something like "thank you for your concern, I'll take that into consideration" when I wanted to shout "what in the blank-blank do you know??? My brother just DIED!!!"

Dont let people tell youhow to greive. If you cried from now till the day you die, does that mean you loved your sister more? No. If you never cry does that mean you didnt love her? Not at all.

Prayers and hugs for you.....

Autumn Leaves

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Re: emotionless
« Reply #9 on: August 15, 2007, 05:56:25 PM »
Allyson is so right; there are so many ways to grieve. Sometimes you feel you're getting better and something happens to make you feel like you've backtracked and are starting all over again. Sometimes it helps to talk to people like a support group or your doctor or a psycologist or something. That's what I'm going to do.
RJ

pattie40

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Re: emotionless
« Reply #10 on: August 15, 2007, 06:39:23 PM »
hi mandy. so sorry for your loss. just like everyone else has said grieving is different for everyone. when my father in law died after a long illnes his wife did not cry. she was at his bed side every day that someone could take her on the 100 mile trip to the hospital. she made all the dessions that no spouse wants to make when their loved one is ill. she kept him alive for as long as he would draw a breath from the resperators. she loved him and would not let him go. but she didn't cry, she held his hand and talked to him but didn't cry. she felt guilty the day he died cause she was not there and she didn't cry.. she is not the kind of person that cries..she worries,she gets depressed,she cooks when no one is really hungry but she doesn't cry.

her son, my wolfie died 5 months latter of 2 strokes. my son and his sister where their with him when they told me he would never wake up again. man we all cried but we knew to let him go. we called mom and told her that he was dieing and to come if she could. she lived 5 states away. we did not tell her we took the respirtor off. we lied to save her further worry. well she made it the afternoon before he pasted she got to say goodbye, she didn't cry then.

some people said that it was odd that she didn't cry for him either but family knew that was not her way. we knew how hurt and shocked she was. her grief showed on her face and the ringing of her hands and the food she kept trying to get us to eat.

i went into shock and did nothing for a month and a half. i slept a lot or just stared into space, i had no little ones around. i wish i had it would of given me something to do.

my mother inlaw calls me once a month to talk and we remember the good times. her voice gets shaky sometimes but i know she is not crying. it's not her way. she doesn't care what others think of her. her grief is her own and no one eleses. it does help us to talk. we share as widows..

love and light :)

magic happens

mandy.luera

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Re: emotionless
« Reply #11 on: August 16, 2007, 05:33:55 PM »
thank you all for your advice it is helping me understand alot more now.  again thank you all! :)
*MANDY*