Author Topic: Contemplation and Rambling  (Read 5752 times)

MelissaCharliesMom

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 711
    • View Profile
Contemplation and Rambling
« on: August 07, 2007, 10:43:17 PM »
I will apologize now for the  incessant rambling I am sure that I am about to indulge in. i have no place else to rid my brain of the sometimes odd things that fly through my head so...unfortunately for all of you....I post it here.
I have spent a great deal of time stewing about things lately, thinking, contemplating and in general rehashing the last 3 years of my "life". I haev come to realize some things and wonder if I am alone in these new feelings.
Before I was a firm believer in having a plan...not for everything mind you, but for a good deal of the day to day things such as housework, errands, bill paying, banking, etc. Now I figure as longas the bills are paid on time and the house is clean it doesnt really much matter when or how it gets done. I was fortunate to be raised by parents and in a family that put a great value on family time and has a great deal of love for one another so I am always able to sacrifice whatever is needed to assure the kids that Mom and Dad are always here. If I worked or attended school hubby was here with them and when he works I am here with them. We spent and still spend huge amounts of time participating in sports, Boy Scouts, family vacations, picnics, backpacking, etc...those things have not changed except now those things are of the utmost importance. Before if the kids asked to go camping or fishing or hiking we did it , but it was always with some strings (after work,next week, after we pay the mortgage). Not now...now we just go!
Ive learned that people you thought would be by your side through anything vanish quickly after you lose a child. On the opposite side of that  I have learned that people who didnt have to or werent expected to stand beside me chose to because they truly care about me.
Used to be I never wanted to hurt anyones feelings and was a "yes girl". never saying no to anything no matter how busy or tired I was. Now I am blunt and though I would never purposely hurt someone elses feelings I am brutally honest now....and it makes me laugh because I realize that we as a society are so concerned with being PC (i.e. sugarcoating everything) that when someone actually does tell the truth most people dont know how to handle it.
I have learned that sometimes in order to help myself I have to do things I never would have imagined before. Not all of those things are things I am proud of, but they have gotten me through the last 3 years and 2 months. I never thought I would choose my own feelings and emotions above someone elses. The reality is I have had no choice. I have had to take care of me despite what others have thought or think about my decisions.
I have become colder.....maybe not colder. Maybe less sympathetic is a better choice of words. I hear my friends or people I know, even total strangers in stores complain about such trivial, unimportant things and have to fight the urge to walk up to them and slap them in the forehead!!I cant stand petty bullshit anymore...I just cant deal with it. I dont have time for it and my toleration for nimby-pimby crap is ZERO!
My children have always come first, they still do...I know I can get through the next second, the next day, the next month because of them...for them. I dont have a choice I just do it! They are my life my reason for living and every day I wake up and put one foot in front of the other and struggle and put all of my anger and sadness aside for them proves that I love them more then life itself!
I have also learned that as much as I love my husband and as good of a man as he is we are not as solid in our marriage as we once were. Things are great now, but we went through some very tedious, iffy moments and I am sure they are not over. We grieve very, very differently and it is hard to combine both sides of it.
I suppose these lessons have meant very little. As far as I am concerned I would like nothing better then to not have learned them at all. I would much prefer to have my "normal" life back, or give my own life to have my son back where he belongs.
The one thing I am sure of is if it wasnt for all of you and this board I may not be here now. It has pulled me from some of my deepest, darkest moments and for that i am forever thankful. I surely wish none of us had reason to be here.....sending strength and peace.
And again I apologize for my rambling.

JONBOYS MOM

  • nospam
  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • Posts: 99
    • View Profile
Re: Contemplation and Rambling
« Reply #1 on: August 08, 2007, 04:48:26 AM »
MELISSSA:

 Ive been feeling the same, My family is my strenghth and shield!! If I could die for my son to bring him back I would..Thankyou for this..I thought I was the only one who felt like this..

Donna(Jonboys mom)

LuAnn

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 16
  • Mel and Drake
    • View Profile
    • Mel and Drake live in my heart
Re: Contemplation and Rambling
« Reply #2 on: August 08, 2007, 06:17:36 AM »
I'm right there with you, sister...... losing friends that you thought would always be there, re-evaluating what is truly important in life and especially wanting to slap people for the petty bullshit.

I consider it a good day if I can actually get out of bed, brush my teeth and take a shower. Anything after that is a bonus.

The thing that still bothers me obsessively is our cultures view on dying and how soon the survivors are supposed to get back to a normal life. It is absolutely cruel to make a parent return to work after taking the standard 3 day bereavement leave. You can't even get a funeral planned and carried out in 3 days. The company I work for has fabulous short and long term disability benefits except that they exclude any mental health diagnoses. I could have surgery or break my leg and I would get paid for time off work but if I get depressed because my grandson, son and nephew die there are no benefits. We are just supposed to suck it up and pretend that we actually care about  what is going on at work. I have had 3 sudden, traumatic deaths happen in the past 3 years (1 a year with the last one only 5 months ago) and I am expected to function at work at full capacity. No one has any tolerance for my ongoing grief and fear that another death is going to hapen at anytime.

Well, now my ranting is over...thank you for listening

LuAnn

Mel's mom, Drake's grandma and Stevie B's aunt


Dottie (Tammie's Mom)

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 1134
  • Tammie (My Precious Daughter) 8-9-65/9-14-05
    • View Profile
    • Project Tammie
Re: Contemplation and Rambling
« Reply #3 on: August 08, 2007, 06:52:10 AM »
I feel just you do::::I could have written this.

I get it believe me I do.

Dottie Tammie's Mom

Karen Paul

  • nospam
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 1181
    • View Profile
    • Chris Bascom Memorial
Re: Contemplation and Rambling
« Reply #4 on: August 08, 2007, 07:43:37 AM »
Melissa - everything you have said makes perfect sense to me. When I was struggling with my infertility I learned that people can say stupid, hurtful things in an effort to make you feel better (not realizing they are hurting you).. I realized that my friends could never understand what I was feeling, because they were not in my shoes.. it was a very isolating, lonely time for me..

When Christopher died.. I knew I could never understand how his parents (my brother Brian and his ex Amy) felt, because as much as I love Chris, he is not MY child.. I lost my nephew and that hurts like hell, but Brian and Amy lost their child.. their only child..

I have tried to keep the lessons I learned from my previous experience with grief (the acknowledgement that I will not have children of my own).... in mind when talking to my brother and Amy and everyone about their losses.. it is a very lonely place to be.. and sometimes I felt like I was stuck in my own head...

I cannot fathom how much more there is to it when the loss is not a child who never was or will be.. but a child who was so alive and a part of you.. you make perfect sense to me..

luv and hugs,
Karen
proud aunt of Christopher


~Dee

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 30
    • View Profile
Re: Contemplation and Rambling
« Reply #5 on: August 08, 2007, 11:30:33 AM »
Melissa, Our family situations may be slightly different, but I share the same thoughts.  The priorities of my life have changed.  I, like you, was the yes-girl, the go-to person.  Then I started to realize that, no matter how deeply I was hurting, no one ever said yes to me.  People I thought would always be there for me were not.  I had to learn the hard way to be "selfish" and put myself first.

It's not colder, or less sympathetic when you refuse to empathize with others over trival things.  (I have a huge intolerance of people who put pet loss on the same level as losing my child).  My ex-friends, it turns out, were never really friends at all.  One, it turns out, helped out with strings attached, and became angry when I could not devote 99% of my time to her and her needs.  Another only calls if there is some favor I can do for her.  None of the people I thought were friends would even think of picking up the phone to just say "Hi, how are YOU doing", and, if I contact them, I get an earful of their problems.  If I change the subject to me, they have to "run".  I have become very isolated, and, at this point, I really don't care.

Like you, I would rather have my daughter back, but this really says something about friendship and what is important in our lives. The lesson comes with too high a price.


Dena

  • nospam
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 1252
    • View Profile
Re: Contemplation and Rambling
« Reply #6 on: August 08, 2007, 03:25:47 PM »
Melissa - You aren't colder.  You are seeing the world and life through new eyes.  The eyes of a parent who has been through the greatest tragedy possible. Things that were a priority before are no longer as important.  You know what is important now.

One huge thing that we have all learned is just how fragile and precious life truly is and that the time we spend with family and those we love is far more important than anything else.

Love,
Dena, Josh's Mom

Gill

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • Posts: 50
    • View Profile
Re: Contemplation and Rambling
« Reply #7 on: August 08, 2007, 05:39:57 PM »
It seems crazy some of the trivial things people get upset over .. I don't remember if I was like that before my daughter died, but I now know what a waste of energy it is and I don't have that kind of energy any more.

 I think about that saying "don't sweat the small stuff"   then of course the line goes "and it's all small stuff".   We know that is not true, the losses we have suffered are tragic and enormous, but it's the small stuff people worry about 99% of the time, if only that was all we had to think about. I know we'd all give anything we could not to be living this nightmare.

Love
Gill

sandy2

  • Guest
Re: Contemplation and Rambling
« Reply #8 on: August 09, 2007, 06:03:11 AM »
WOW , YOUVE ALL SAID IT ALL. IM ONLY 7 WEEKS INTO THIS HORRIBLE JOURNEY. LIFE REALLY DOES CHANGE, I WAS THE STRONG ONE IN THE FAMILY, TAKE MY DAD TO CHEMO, CLEAN MY MOTHERS HOUSE & A CLEANING FANATIC AT MY OWN HOME . WELL NOW I HAVNT CLEANED MY MOTHER HOUSE IN THE 7 WEEKS SINCE I LOST SHANE , TRY 2 DO A FEW THINGS A DAY AT MY OWN HOME . ITS JUST A STRUGGLE TO GET OUT OF BED! I ALWAYS GOT OUTA BED AROUND 7 , MON I DIDNT GET UP TILL 10 , I CRIED ALL DAY CAUSE I CANT GET BACK ON A SCHEDULE. I WAS A CLUB MANAGER AT A MOOSE LODGE 4 26 YEARS I QUIT THE DAY I GOT THE CALL. I WAS BURNT OUT ON THOSE PEOPLE ANYWAYS BUT ......... WHERE R THEY??????????STILL THERE DRINKING , ITS A LONLY ROAD . I USED TO BE A GARAGE SALE NUT , STILL TRIED TO GO TO A FEW JUST TO GET OUT , THEN I RUN INTO SOME IDIOT THAT SAYS HOW R U "WELL HOW DO YOU THINK IM DOING , MY SON OF 29 JUST PASSED " THEN I RUN RIGHT BACK HOME . I FEEL BAD CAUSE I YHINK SOME MEAN WELL BUT IM NOT READY FOR THEM . BUT GOD HAS THIS BOARD & THE CONNECTION WE ALL FEEL HELP. HAD A BAD WEEK THIS WEK FEEL LIKE I WENT REAL BACKWARDS, CRYING 24 7 . MY BODY IS SOOOO MENTALLY , PHYSICALLY , & EMOTIONALLY DRAINED. I PRAY ITLL GET BETTER , BUT THE PAIN IS SO GUT WRENCHING !!!!! SEEMS LIKE NO ONE UNDERSTANDS , ESPECIALLY MY HUSBAND !!! HE JUST WANTS ME TO BE NORMAL AGAIN WHAT THE ----- IS NORMAL ?????? ISNT IT WEIRD HOW LIFE GOES ON AROUND US & WE JUST SAT & STARE & WONDER HOW ?? I FEEL SO HELPLESS . WELL THANKS FOR LISTENING , SORRY FOR RAMBLING . GOD BLESS EACH & EVERONE OF YOU . LOV SHANES MOM

JONBOYS MOM

  • nospam
  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • Posts: 99
    • View Profile
Re: Contemplation and Rambling
« Reply #9 on: August 09, 2007, 06:29:41 AM »
This is a great article,I read every post and replied to it also.. we lost our lives through the death of our loved ones we died with them.. the only thing I can say is we are still walking the planet.We all know we have to move on,its finding that strength everyday, Im so glad I have all of you..You have know idea how each one of you have helped me..

thankyou from the bottom of my heart...Jonboys mom(Donna)

Wadesmom

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 414
    • View Profile
Re: Contemplation and Rambling
« Reply #10 on: August 09, 2007, 07:26:00 AM »
MelissaCharliesMom,

No need to apologize, I don't consider your post as rambling at all. As you know from reading the responses that your post generated, several of us echo your thoughts & understand what you are talking/writing/ about.

Yesterday I responded to your post  & obviously it was devoured in cyber space somewhere b/c it never came up on the screen after I hit post.
I am thinking of you, can relate to numerous things that you mentioned and I'm glad that you decided to rid your brain of the things that fly through your head. It sincerely assists and helps  those of us who also have similiar things flying through our head.
 
Love,

Wadesmom

Brenda Taylors Mom

  • nospam
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 1378
  • I miss you so much my "big tough guy"
    • View Profile
    • http://www.taylor-lewis.memory-of.com
Re: Contemplation and Rambling
« Reply #11 on: August 10, 2007, 10:05:11 AM »
Melissa, everything you wrote makes sense. I wish none of us had to be here either but everyone on this board has helped me out of the pit of hell many many times and I too am very very grateful
thank you for what you posted
Love
Brenda