Author Topic: loss of my brother  (Read 6392 times)

lostinsorrow

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loss of my brother
« on: August 07, 2007, 07:28:26 AM »
I just need to vent I guess. I have been reading here alot over last few years and have now decided to register and post. I lost my brother on September 24th, 2005 due to a motorcycle accident. I never really realized how I had NOT grieved or found closure until 2 weeks ago when my husband said he was leaving me.. he feels that I am suffering through post tramatic stress disorder and I have emotional detachment issues.. like i'm emotionally numb. we have 4 children and I thought I was doing my very best to deal with this loss and live my life for my family; but my husband says I'm living my life for my brother even tho' he's not here.. like everything I do or don't do revolves around him... In a way, I see what my husband is saying to me and it all makes very good since to me.. no I don't want professional help or medications.. just a place to come to where people understand and can help me deal with my loss.. my husband keeps saying it will be 2 years soon and i'm still emotionally numb.  (He says I show no emotions for anything) I don't really see that.. but I get that maybe my pain is hurting him and my family.. I don't want that to continue.. and the first step in healing is admitting to the problem..and that is why I turned to the internet for support groups, website of support and help.. I've found plenty; but chose to post here as I've been reading this one for awhile now. Guess it never really helped me tho' cause I never opened up..so I'm opening up now even tho' it may be too late for my marriage.. I plan to save myself and my children from my depression, stress, whatever it may be. If I can't deal with losing my brother...how on earth will I cope when my parents go?? how will I survive ?? I'm scared for the future and I don't ever want to be that way. My brother and I are only 1 1/2 years apart in age and were always very close.. lots of people thought we were twins cause we were always together..and when he died it felt as tho' part of me died with him..and I want that part back... I need that part to survive... I know this now..and I hope I can get some support from this site to help me through without going for professional help. I know I haven't mentioned everything but this is a start..Right?

Now trying to understand this statement!!!
Grief is a powerful universal feeling! But it is Survivable!!

go4jenny

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Re: loss of my brother
« Reply #1 on: August 07, 2007, 08:51:49 AM »
I too came here for support and your story is so close to mine, It is effecting everthing in my life to and i'm finding myself very detached from the rest of the people I truelly love. I am sorry I have no sound advise for you, I am as lost, but I can listen. So sorry for your pain, death just changes everything.

Lonnie

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Re: loss of my brother
« Reply #2 on: August 07, 2007, 10:33:21 AM »
Dear LostinSorrow: I am so glad that you have come to the boards to read and share. Even the reading that you have been doing was a good first step. Many people do that until they are ready to post. I encourage you to continue to read on all the boards and see how people are learning to cope with the reality of the death of a close loved one. You may have been in shock all this time. I don't think that would be unusual at all for someone who was so close to their brother. Shock IS numbness and lack of feeling. In a way, it is a firstline protection from the horrible reality of something we just can't accept. In time, it begins to wear off and we must face our grief. But if you have been reading on the main board at all, you have seen that death leaves fear in its wake. Having lost so much, we are fearful about opening up and loving again. It might bring more pain, and we feel that our hearts just can't take anymore. Again, a normal reaction. But we do not want to stay in this place, because we will alienate everyone close to us. We not only lose our risk of experiencing horrendous pain again by shutting down our emotions; we also lose our ability to feel joy. And so the tradeoff is not good, is it? It takes courage to open our hearts up to someone when we have had them broken. I am sorry that you have chosen not to get some counseling, because I think with the right person, it is so worthwhile and productive. But if not, then I encourage you to come and discuss what you're feeling. Venting is good, especially with people that truly understand. Sometimes even our closest friends and relatives just cannot understand the pain we are feeling. So please continue to post here, and join us on the Main Board as well. There are many opportunities there to discuss things, and to get encouragement and suggestions for progressing on this journey. If you notice, it is called Crisis, Grief, and Healing. There is a place of healing, a place where you accomodate and integrate the loss into your life. It doesn't mean you forget the person. We would never want to do that, but in time, we are able to remember without the tremendous devastation and brokeness we have carried for so long. You WILL feel better. It just takes time, and they call it grief work, because it is TRULY work!
Please talk with your husband and tell him that you are going to work on this, and if you want the relationship to continue, ask him to give you a little more time to begin to heal, and then make a commitment to try and work toward that goal. He probably just wants to hear you say that you won't be numb and emotionless forever. You don't want that either, right? To begin to live your life again is not a betrayal of the love you will always have for your brother. In fact, it is a testimony to your love, in the way you continue to live your life to the fullest, though never forgetting what he meant to you and the memories you've shared. It's almost like you are living for him also, sharing the beauty and richness of life.  At least, that is one way to think of it. Remember, he would not want you to shut down and stop living. That would make him very sad. You have made a courageous first step to open up and begin to feel again. Let us help you to find your way to a place of healing. Hugs-Lonnie
« Last Edit: August 07, 2007, 02:57:07 PM by Lonnie »

kelly37

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Re: loss of my brother
« Reply #3 on: August 07, 2007, 02:37:57 PM »
LostinSorrow,
This is definitely a start!  I feel I need to talk to you---to let you know you are NOT alone!  You said you have been reading postings on this site so maybe you have read mine but I'll tell you a little about my losses too!  We sound very similar so here it goes:

I too lost my brother (he was 37, & it was 16 days before his 38th b-day, & 3 weeks before his first son being born, & his showing was on my mom's b-day & buried on the 4th of July) in a motorcycle accident on June 30, 2001. It was a horrible day.  I too like you never really grieved & I never thought I could endure the loss of my parents; but guess what?  On July 22 2006 my parents were also in a motorcycle accident & again I got the dreaded phone call.  My dad passed away 18 days later!  Now 1 year after my dad's death----I am grieving!  I have actually just now grieved both losses!  The loss of my brother & the loss of my dad.  It took me 6 years to grieve my brother's death & I'm now realizing it!

This is a GREAT place to come & vent.  I am fairly new to the site but I have vented, cried, complained, & no one judges me (unlike family & friends may do). I have found so much peace here that it is unbelieveable! 

I didn't know that you can grieve for somone so many years later but it happens.  I think I really tried to pretend he was still around when he wasn't.  It never interrupted family life (like in your situation) until  my dad died & things just went downhill.  I thought I was grieving but I really wasn't.  I'd cry myself to sleep every night & just wanted to be alone.  I have 2 kids & I  thought I was being the awesome mom & wife but I wasn't deep down.  It was all just icing on the cake----deep inside I was falling apart.  So I put on a show for everyone.  I was numb for quite a while.  I always blamed my husband & said "you just don't understand because you've never lost anyone close" but I know that was just placing anger that needed to be directed somewhere else.

I also didn't want medicine or counseling as my doctor told me to do.  He diagnosed me with post traumatic stress disorder after my dad died & said "here's some Lexapro".......what?!?!?!  Even after that it took me 5 months to come here & it is where I belong!

Sometimes it just takes 1 person to tell you something & you wake up!  I hope you come here often & let your feelings out.  My brother & I were very close even though we were 7 years apart (he was my BIG brother)!  Now I do things & think he would've loved this or that & he's watching me from somewhere!  So do things a little at a time & just know we are all here to listen!  Kelly
Dad & Keith,
Memories of you......I miss you both!
"Look Twice Save a Life"

jazzgirl

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Re: loss of my brother
« Reply #4 on: August 09, 2007, 05:45:52 AM »
Hey Lostinsorrow,

Welcome to the board. My brother and I were only 1 1/2 years apart. The pain seems to hurt a lot because we grew up together and walked our journey of life together. I feel like a piece of me is missing. It has been over 1 1/2 years and it still hurts. I understand what you are saying about not having any emotions. It is very hard for me to get excited about anything any more. I have been trying to work on that b/c I don't want to live like that. Good luck with this terrible journey we have to walk. Just know this is a good place to let it out. It has been wonderful for me. I'd probably had gone crazy if I couldn't come here to talk.

Jazzgirl

sweetpea

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Re: loss of my brother
« Reply #5 on: August 16, 2007, 12:59:26 AM »
Hello, Everyone I just recently lost my brother, also. I am sitting here preparing to go to his service in about 7 hours. I am really trying to get myself  together, I hold on to the comfort of knowing that he is in a better place, and that he suffers no more!!. My brother was only 51 years old. He never married never had any children. I miss him so much, We had such a rough and hard childhood, along with my 2 other sisters 1 who passed away at 39, and my baby sister who is the only other sibling of my mother's first husband that is left. But my sister and I will hold on as we always have,  :( :( it's just getting harder. I welcome any advice and help I can get, or give to anybody else.

Lonnie

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Re: loss of my brother
« Reply #6 on: August 16, 2007, 02:45:01 AM »
Sweetpea: I'll be thinking of you today as you go to the service. I hope it is a beautiful memorial to your wonderful brother. Grieve however you need to, and know that you will feel better for expressing your sorrow in some way that is right for you.  This is really just the beginning. No one else can tell you how to grieve. I pray that you feel God's comfort and presence on this day.  Let us know how the service went when you are able to post. Hugs and Prayers, Lonnie