Author Topic: Love my brother  (Read 32970 times)

Coco

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Re: Love my brother
« Reply #30 on: September 20, 2007, 11:32:56 AM »
Just wanted to write and get a few things written down.  The Jewish Holidays are half way over and I am so thanksfu.  I was dreading these days for months, because last year without my brother was awful we all felt so displaced.  This year is definately easier, my whole family has all struggled to find a new way to spend the holidays.  Part of me still feels so angry at g-d for taking my mother and brother so young. Why?  Why were they denied the change to grow old?????  The other part of me is so grateful for what I have, finally at 43 I have a good stable life.  I find myself being often like a roller coaster with emotions towards my brother.  Somedays I am at piece with it and others days I am in complete disbelieve and still believe I can call him and chat.  I am owndering if others feel the same way going through the grief process?

Love to hear your views,

coco

Lonnie

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Re: Love my brother
« Reply #31 on: September 20, 2007, 07:41:13 PM »
Coco: I surely do, and it's been 2 years since the unexpected death of my dad. The intense feelings of grief still come and go. Sometimes I miss him so much, my heart aches. Other days are better. It's almost like a bad dream you can't wake up from, isn't it? A new reality that doesn't fit. And we have to keep on living, and it is so hard. I am glad that your life is in a stable, good place now. Love those nearest and dearest to you, and always let them know how much they mean to you. Hugs-Lonnie

Coco

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Re: Love my brother
« Reply #32 on: October 02, 2007, 11:10:54 AM »
Its amazing how the death of a loved makes you feel as if there is such a big void in our lives.  I guess it is worse for my brother was the linch pin that kept my family together.  Since his death I have barely had much contact with his wife and two children I have reached out with no return calls.  When I did speak to my sister n law she often has said nasty things.

My whole life I wasencouraged to believe your family will stand by and your family is everything in the meanwhile the last year the whole group including my sister and been in their own worlds.  Thank g-d I have a husband that understands.  Loss creates such an unberable emptiness at times.  I am wondering what others do you to cope.  I want to believe g-d is on my side but some days I am so angry.

coco

Lonnie

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Re: Love my brother
« Reply #33 on: October 03, 2007, 02:53:49 PM »
Coco: I really believe that this board helped me so very much. No matter how I felt-angry-scared-depressed-fearful, etc., I wrote it all down, and someone was always here to give me support and encouragement, or to just listen. Listening is so helpful. We just need to be able to express our feelings to someone who really understands. That is so healing, isn't it? Just to have someone say, "I know what you're feeling." Don't give up, the journey is difficult, but God is faithful, and things will improve in time. Many prayers and thoughts of you, Lonnie

Coco

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Re: Love my brother
« Reply #34 on: November 05, 2007, 11:58:00 AM »
Hello everyone, today's would of been my brother's 54 birthday.  We are exactly 10 years apart.  I look at his pictures and cannot believe how young he looks.  How could he of died?  I work in a place that makes medical devices for seniors so they can life independently.  I can't help but think why was he denied the opportunity to get old.  My family has really broken apart since his death.  His wife and I barely speak and my nephews never call me back.  It makes the loss so much greater but honestly my sister n law would of never been chosen as my friend and she has said very hurtful things about my family to me.  Instead of being grateful for all that we have done she resents us for not doing more.  My poor dad he is 78 and his lost his wife 30 years ago and now his son.  He is re-married but his wife his not very supportive.

Anyone out there feel like their parents lifeline?????

Would love to hear how your cope.

Thanks,

Coco

Lonnie

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Re: Love my brother
« Reply #35 on: November 05, 2007, 03:01:56 PM »
Coco: Thinking of you and your brother today, on his birthday. It just seems so unfair, doesn't it? I am caring for my 77 year old mom, and it is overwhelming at times. She still lives independently, but has many health problems. I have learned to not take on so much stress, and to try and be thankful for everyday that she lives. I try to get her out, so she can walk with the aid of a shopping cart in the stores. We eat together often, and sometimes watch tv. It is very sad when they have lost their spouse, and in the case of your dad, a son as well. Parents aren't supposed to outlive their children, and it hurts them so much to lose a child. Hang in there, and just keep doing the best you can. You are a wonderful daughter, and I can tell by your words, a wonderful sister. Many hugs-Lonnie

bean

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Re: Love my brother
« Reply #36 on: November 20, 2007, 05:47:46 PM »
Hi,
I too have lost my only sibling, my brother and he was older then me.  It will be 6 years on New Year's Day- the holiday's are approachig and i am dreading it beyond words.  I hate saying what my family has becaome- my parents- its so different.  So pathetically sad.  My heart breaks for them- and it also breaks for myself- all the things I won't have any longer.  We were incredibly close and this pain doesn't go away.  This is the first time since his death that I ever have looked for any kind of web-site or people with similar backgrounds.  I alway's feel so alone.  Everyone I know has their siblings and noone understands or can relate to me.  I just turned 32, my brother was 33 when he passed- it's eerie because I'm catching up to him.... it would be so nice to hear from people who have even an inkling of what this is like....   

Jeanneb

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Re: Love my brother
« Reply #37 on: November 21, 2007, 01:53:44 PM »
Bean,

Hi, I usually post on the child loss board but stop in every now and then.  I have lost a brother and my youngest son.

I lost my (older) brother 10 years and 5 months ago today.  Now I'm older than he was when he passed.  I lost my youngest child at age 17, 4 years and 4 months ago today.  They both died on the 21st of the month.  My mom now lives with loosing her son and grandson.

We all handle loss so differently.  For my mom she rarely talked of my brother and now I realize why she was so angry and what seemed to be so hateful.  I can still remember the day my brother died and the look in my mom's face...I now realize what my own children must have seen in me.

Can you talk with your mom about your brother?  My mom is just now talkative about my brother...the last couple of years I've gotten her to talk about him, about Philip...we laugh...we cry...but most of all I realize how much I need to talk of my son and when I am open she opens up. 

I know as a daughter I was so afraid that I would hurt her in some way talking of my brother but as a mom I now know that that is all we want to hear.  We want to hear our child's name, we want to hear the stories, we don't want them to be forgotten.  Also we had to make changes, we had to do things different in regard to holidays and we had to learn to give space, don't take things personally (very hard to do at times).  Most of all your mom is scared...when you loose a child you realize real quick that you have no control over what happens...these sort of things always happen to other people...not you.

It helps me also as a mom to read how other siblings feel, I don't want to put any more pressure on my kids than necessary but I also know that they worry about me very much.  I hope you continue to post, it really does help.

Hold on tight,
Jeanne
Philip's mom
Bruce's sister

Lonnie

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Re: Love my brother
« Reply #38 on: November 21, 2007, 02:30:33 PM »
((((((((((((((((((((((((Jeanne))))))))))))))))))))))) I appreciate so much that wonderful response you gave Bean. It helps so much when those who have been through some of these things, can offer understanding and advice. Thank you again. You expressed it all so beautifully.  :)  Hugs-Lonnie

bean

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Re: Love my brother
« Reply #39 on: November 26, 2007, 08:36:12 PM »
Jeanne
Philip's mom-
Bruce's little sister-
First of all thank you so much for your kind and helpful words.  Secondly, I am so very, very sorry for your losses.
Yes, all my mom wants to do is talk about  my borhter day and night- which is fine with me-
Often times she tends to compare everyone to him-
she is angry that "other" people go through nothing and have no clue
what loss is and we have had so much pain- she lost both her parents in her late 20's
and have taken care of her sisters- the woman is definitely going to heaven!
but seriously, I wish their was something i can do to help her.
all of us (me mom and dad) have so much pain and sucha void in our lives it is so
difficult- and she really puts me on a pedestal- like my husband is not good enough-
never will be- and that creates a lot of strain for me as well...
thinking of you, bean

Coco

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Re: Love my brother
« Reply #40 on: November 28, 2007, 07:37:08 AM »
Hi Everyone,

Hope everyone hope everyone had a good thanksgiving!  I was with my husbands family and it is not the same as being with my own.  The holdays are so hard sometimes I think they are more pain than joy.  My brother always made a big deal of Christmas he used to have a huge part Christmas eve to invite anyone that did not have a place to go.  Even though he lived in Florida and we live in Ma I always had such wonderful thoughts of him on Christmas eve.  I had my dad here for a few days last week he often speaks about my brother with no such kind words he likes to talk about all the mistakes he made in his life.  It is hard to hear I want to think of all the good things.  This year we will celebrate my father n law's 80th birthday it saddens me that my beautiful brother lost his life at 52 boy there is so much he will miss.

How are others getting through the holidays?

Let me know,

Thanks
coco

jazzgirl

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Re: Love my brother
« Reply #41 on: November 29, 2007, 02:50:24 PM »
Hey Coco,

We are scrambling thru the holidays too trying to find a new tradition. We had Thanksgiving at my house this year and we had both my parents and my husbands mom and step-dad.  My dad and his mom and step dad talked politics the entire dinner while my husband and his brother added there 2 sense here and there. My mom and I just sat at the end of the table looking at each other wandering if they were ever going to stop. I said " is this our new tradition?"  I'll take it though because it was nice to see his family and mine interacting (even if we did have to listen to politics :( ::)).
My brother always liked decorating for Christmas. The last Christmas he was with us, I think he had more blow ups and candy canes then he did yard. He said he was trying to keep up with the Jones'.
My dad is angry at my brother too for choosing the women in life that he did to have children by.  He just has such a hard time dealing with them. He always talks about how Jason would just jump into things without thinking until after the fact.  That's just how he was though. I tell him though that at least we can look back at his life and say he had a good life even if we was only 32 when he died. He made sure to do whatever it took to enjoy life and when it got to be too much, he left. Once again, jumping into a decision and thinking about it later, except this last one was unfixable.
These holidays are tough, but we will get thru them and we will be even stronger. Good luck.
Jazzgirl

Coco

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Re: Love my brother
« Reply #42 on: November 30, 2007, 08:19:54 AM »
Thanks Jazz Girl for getting back to me. It sounds like you are trying to focus on the positive things with you brother much better route to go. My brother was married three times each one worse than the other.  My father loves to talk about all the mistakes my brother made in his life.  Two years ago at the this time my brother started fading away before us.  I remember 2 years ago this month laying on lap watching a movie and how lucky I felt to have him.  After this trip I went down two more times it was hard to believe how it went from sitting on the coach conversing a little to sitting in a wheel chair with his head slumped down.  My big loud larger than life vivacious brother reduced to this.  The vision often huants me
I remember the last time I saw him alive he was in his hospital bed I fed him ice cream and patted his head and he took his hand and rubbed my arm.
I think he knew how I loved him I also told him that he was the best brother any one could of ever wanted.  It is 1 1/2 years since he is gone and everyone I wake up I have to remind myself that it is for real not just a horrific bad dream.

Did any one else who had loved one's realate to me watching them fade away before their eyes?
Love to hear how you cope with this vision.

Have a good weekend,

Coco

jazzgirl

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Re: Love my brother
« Reply #43 on: December 02, 2007, 01:47:32 AM »
Sorry Coco, I didn't watch him fade away. I did watch is fun adventorous ways turn into working and side jobs and house chores and no time for fun except when he would choose to go to the parks (Bush Gardens or the zoo). We live in florida so those are like our vacations. He would get the motels inside the parks at Disney too. Bush Gardens was his favorite, but things weren't the same when he went with his wife. We have picures of their last few visits and you can just see the unhappiness in his eyes. The last few family pictures were like that. I will never forget the sadness in his eyes the last time I saw him. I was visiting my parents 2 hours away for the weekend and as we were leaving, he was sitting on the couch. He had come over with his baby son because his wife would kick them out of the house because she needed to sleep because she worked. He just looked so sad. The very last picture we have of Jason was him dancing with my dog. Who would have thought my dog would have gotten the last dance.  ??? ::) All I know is where he is at now, he is no longer in pain. I just hate the fact that he has put it on his oldest son now. I don't know if his oldest son is going to ever forgive him. I just hope one day he can look at it differently. It breaks my heart that they are wanting to put Tyler on depression medicine. He is only 10. All I can do is pray. 
Either way, watching them fade away slowly, or getting that heart dropping phone call out of nowhere, it still sucks and we still miss them.
Jazzgirl

Coco

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Re: Love my brother
« Reply #44 on: December 12, 2007, 12:46:47 PM »
Hi everyone, I hope as the holidays get closer you are all doing okay.  This
is such a wierd time of year.  We are Jewish but my brother used to hold a christmas party for around 50 people who did have a place to go in Florida
where he lived.
I attended my many years and the years I was not there I was always sad that I was missing it.  My husband and I live in boston and will have my father n law in for the holiday but it saddens me to know that everyone is scrambling down in Florida trying to figure out how to continue to celebrate Christmas even though everything has changed.  Although I have read many of your stories and some of lost children and siblings younger than mine (52) I still feel sick to my stomach that he was denied so many years of living.  It has been almost 1 1/2 years now and I still don't believe it is true.  I have been going to a bereavement support group once a week which I have found tremdousely comforting.  All of us in the room have something in common and although it has just been a few weeks I really very connected these people.
I would love to hear how other cope with the anger and rage towards losing a young sibling.  It is hard to see how everyone is making plans with their families around me and mine is at such a loss.

Thanks for listening,
Coco