The ranting crazy.. again.. forgot about my other sister.. Lois...
She is about the most sane appearing one in my family and classy and sophisticated too. I love here dearly and she has had her own issues from all the pain. Issues like drinking. She was so bad an alcholic in her early 20's that when she was arrested for DUI she had almost killed a pregnant woman with a baby in the car and told the officer as she stunk of rum that it was her prescription pills that were making her like that. Meeting her you would never believe she was anything but class act, knowing her really, you know that class is a front.
Not saying that she is not a classy person most of the time, really she is.. and surviving what she has survived Lois is really one of the most awsome people I know. The mess that is in her is for my mom to answer for when she sees her maker. My mom never protected Lois and she just took fancy as her name, if you know what I mean.
We grew up in a trailer but she now drives a lexus. She is married to a funny kind man who is normal in many many ways and I believe really does love her so very much. But he just does not give her what she needs. The pretenses in which their relationship started is why.. she wanted to not have to worry about money and he wanted a hot body to show off.. they both were material.. they made it work and found love along the way and have two amazing boys that despite the rest are turning out to be men you can be proud of really. She is the best mother and a good friend too. A sister well, depends on the situation and what she is dealing with to tell whether she will be good there or not. Some times she is the most amazing sister ever, who can really understand the pain and hug when a hug is needed and give space when space is needed, other times when she snaps from the pressure and pain and is just not strong enough to be that great well..it is a completely new direction she heads.
Hateful, mean and bitter and blaming and callus and selfish are a few words to describe those times. Lately just a little of one and a little of the other,either way no support for me.
I think I got messed up the least only because I moved out at 13, Bette moved out at 21 the first time and went back many times after that, Lois was 17... both of them were so messed up by moms men by then that it was just too late for normal anyway. Lois went one direction to deal and Bette went in another. I became what I have always called "tuff as nails"
I am very angry at my family right now over Bette's death, even Bette.. it has been a year yet I can not tell you how many times this week I have just burst in to tears or felt like ripping someones face off in anger. I have remained tactful at work but just gave notice yesterday that I do not want to keep my job. It is a good job just the boss is taking advantage of me as a work horse.. working 70 hours plus and just exhausted.
I am mad at Bette for leaving us, for doing drugs, for being dead with out living enough. I am mad at Lois for just being unable to help me through it now-and being a mess and selfish and a few other reasons. I am mad at my mom for being my mom, the crazy chick that she is and I am mad at my dad because he just did not do anything.. he did not see the hell we went though as children cause he never paid enough attention. He was never bad to us but he did not raise us.. he just was not there.. it is still his fault cause he should have been there enough to know.
I am mad at all of them because that day when Bette was hallucinating I called all of them and told them and said she needed to be baker acted into rehab and we had to get to gether and help her... they all said she has always done drugs, that wont help her and well "Thats just Bette"... they all forgot that day, that call from me hysterically crying begging for their help. They have never mentioned it.. nor have I.. I do not want to say they did not do enough but it is the truth.. none of did enough to keep her alive. But I could not do it alone, you by law have to have three people to baker act someone.. and they convinced me it was not that bad that I was being OVER DRAMA queen about the whole thing as I usually do... No I do not.. I really think it is that serious.. and was then but I guess I just gave up on her too.
She is dead... she did not have to be and I miss her beautiful face, her sweet sweet bright smile and her love.. she loved the most hateful people who hurt her so bad.. she would love them anyway.. no matter how HORRID our lives were she would find something amazing to apprecieate about life... waterfalls, butterflies, dragonflies, and mountains of snow. Any body of water and nature were here best friends. She had an apprecieation for loving the wildest most beautiful things and never feared things that should have been feared in nature.
Going through Bette's things I found pictures of a huge black bear, out side her little trailer, the vantage point of the picture it had to be taken from somewhere close, less than 100 yards away. I know that bear had to smell her taking the picture, but I am sure he did not smell fear.. That was not in her. That picture was taken by her smiling.. I just know Boo enough to know she was smiling when she took that picture.
Her boyfriend.. crackhead looking guy but sweet... and a little scary.. felt it best to remind me of her birthday by waiting to mail me her things from Massachusettes until her birthday.. for her present he charged my account $487.00 to ship two boxes of pictures that I had begged and begged him to send me since she died last Aug. He waited to overnight them rather than ground ship them until her birthday.. sort of his little make sure not to forget her statement. What a jerk!
Like I would ever forget her... I was the only one who planned her funeral.. what ever a lousy funderal I could plan, and the only one to pay for any of it, and the only one to do anything at all... the rest of the family just fell apart.. I think I was hurt the most and still had to be the responsible one.
I am so sick of being so responsible. Feeling so responsible.
This past fathers day weekend, I convinced my now up for sainthood of a husband to go to Cumberland Island, George.. that is where we sprinkled the ashes of my creamated sister. I wanted to give her a headstone there and plant some wild flowers on her grave..or at least that is what I call it. He took me and we also took the time to apprecieate a place she loved so much.
Lois chose Cumberland Island for the place to sprinkle Bette's ashes. Bette did talk about that place all the time. It was pretty amazing though.. there are wild horses everywhere. The richest family in american history owned this beautiful estate on the island called "Dungeness" it is in ruins now due to a fire in the early 1900's. But you can see what the fomer glory was like. You can see allot there.. a cemetary from 1600's with historical figures and the most beautiful sentiments written on the stones that you have ever seen. There is swamp, and springs, and woods, and marsh, and beautiful beaches that look like the Florida Keys, there are nolls of grass that are perfect despite their only maintenance being that it is the dinner for those wild horses every day.. looks like it was trimmed by the best landscaper in the world. There are little walkways and pathways with trees that hang over, gardens over grown and full of weeds but still beautiful to behold, and quaint little bed and breakfasts. That is where be burried, or sprinkled little Bette Boo..
Lately I have been planning a visit back again.. see the one year anniversery of her death is quickly approaching in August on the 28th and I wanted my family to see those wild flowers and gravestone and know that she was buried proper.. she was not though.. we all know it.
We did not make reservations for the ferry the day we went down as a family to sprinkle her ashes. I did not know. I just booked a hotel room the night before and the family (my mom and her husband, my dad and his wife, and my sister Lois and my daughter Maryia) all drove over there and were gonna sprinkle her ashes.. the day we drove up we had just recieved her ashes in the mail, left on the doorstep by the mail lady, knocked over as if Bette was a crappy package to deliver.. I had to sign for my sister as if I just ordered a new set of sheets in the mail.
It was crappy. Just crappy. With the box of ashes came a little envelope with the rings she was wearing when she died and some of her hair, those georgous long brown curls.. I was so wrapped up in look at the curls I just wept. My sister Lois arrived at my house to drive up with me just when the box arrived and went straight for the rings picking out the most expensive looking one for herself like a dang vulture. After realizing what she was appearing like by the look of horror on my face and my daughters face she gave that ring to my daughter Maryia. Maryia was always Bette's little girl too.. Bette never had kids but she loved my daughter as if she were her own. They shared a journal that they mailed back and forth from Massachusettes to Florida and each would fill it out like a diary for a while and mail it over. Very neat reading for me now.
Lois and I and Maryia climbed in Lois's shiny Lexus and drove the couple of hours to Georgia to the hotel. We stayed the night there. Mom and Dad were going to meet us there. Mom called and said she just could not afford the hotel and had a trailer of crap hitched to her van so she could not make it. She was not going to come to her own daughters crappy funeral. How sick is that to hear from your mother ey?
I of course in grace mode.. don't know how I kept it together for that.. calmed my anger enough to offer to pay for her hotel room and explained there was a parking spot big enough for her crapy trailer attached to her van.. as embarrasing as it was. She showed up as they were only an hour away.. an hour past us mind you!
We all got up and ate breakfast as if we were on vacation laughing about Boo, it was not near as somber a mood as I expected. We went to get our ferry ticket and were told we could not come right back if we could even get on at all.. unless we stayed for hours and hours until late afternoon.. it was 7:20 am and already 93 degrees out I know I could not have made the full day there without a spring to jump into and my mom and dad in their 60's were by far not going to make it the whole day.. but this is the place Bette wanted to be all the time. Lois and I knew this.. so we made a deal with the ferryman and got them to bring us there, wait fifteen minutes and bring us right back.. so we did just that... her funeral was less than five minutes and they almost took off without us, we had to just pray really quick, and toss her ashes on this dirty little cliff area.. it was the best we could do. I am so ashamed. What a crappy funeral. How could I love her so much and giver her such a crappy funeral. This all sucks so bad.
So yeah.. months later I put a pretty grave stone there and plant some wildflowers to give her resting place some respect.. some respect..hmmm
Now the one year memorial.. I am planning it all week. My mom says she is not sure she wants to remember my sister as it is easier not to remember she existed at all.. she actually said that.. before agreeing to go. Her husband just gets really aprubt when you mention Bette's name. Lois she has not had five minutes to talk to me about it as mom was visiting her.
I invited the rest of the Aunts and Uncles and cousins who had to sweat at my house during her memorial as my air conditioner could not handle the load of all those who showed up to show thier respect and love for my lil sis during the first memorial. I did it all and I was such a mess I did a crap job at it all. I really needed some help then but only my husband helped me then and only my husband is helping me now.
I am exhausted to say the least.. but I have already said way too much so I will give your eyes a break and shut up here.
Thanks for reading all my pain. Hugs and Love to all of you feeling this hurt I feel in side.. I know it sucks! Just hang in there, it is suposed to get better. And truthfully some days really are better.. but not all days.
T