Author Topic: almost a year for Boo too!  (Read 7796 times)

tina

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almost a year for Boo too!
« on: July 12, 2007, 10:28:47 AM »
The ranting crazy.. again.. forgot about my other sister.. Lois...
She is about the most sane appearing one in my family and classy and sophisticated too.  I love here dearly and she has had her own issues from all the pain.  Issues like drinking.  She was so bad an alcholic in her early 20's that when she was arrested for DUI she had almost killed a pregnant woman with a baby in the car and told the officer as she stunk of rum that it was her prescription pills that were making her like that.    Meeting her you would never believe she was anything but class act, knowing her really, you know that class is a front.

Not saying that she is not a classy person most of the time, really she is.. and surviving what she has survived Lois is really one of the most awsome people I know.  The mess that is in her is for my mom to answer for when she sees her maker.  My mom never protected Lois and she just took fancy as her name, if you know what I mean. 

We grew up in a trailer but she now drives a lexus.  She is married to a funny kind man who is normal in many many ways and I believe really does love her so very much.  But he just does not give her what she needs.  The pretenses in which their relationship started is why.. she wanted to not have to worry about money and he wanted a hot body to show off.. they both were material.. they made it work and found love along the way and have two amazing boys that despite the rest are turning out to be men you can be proud of really.  She is the best mother and a good friend too.  A sister well, depends on the situation and what she is dealing with to tell whether she will be good there or not.  Some times she is the most amazing sister ever, who can really understand the pain and hug when a hug is needed and give space when space is needed, other times when she snaps from the pressure and pain and is just not strong enough to be that great well..it is a completely new direction she heads.

Hateful, mean and bitter and blaming and callus and selfish are a few words to describe those times.  Lately just a little of one and a little of the other,either way no support for me. 

I think I got messed up the least only because I moved out at 13, Bette moved out at 21 the first time and went back many times after that, Lois was 17... both of them were so messed up by moms men by then that it was just too late for normal anyway.  Lois went one direction to deal and Bette went in another.   I became what I have always called "tuff as nails"

I am very angry at my family right now over Bette's death, even Bette.. it has been a year yet I can not tell you how many times this week I have just burst in to tears or felt like ripping someones face off in anger.  I have remained tactful at work but just gave notice yesterday that I do not want to keep my job.  It is a good job just the boss is taking advantage of me as a work horse.. working 70 hours plus and just exhausted.

I am mad at Bette for leaving us, for doing drugs, for being dead with out living enough.  I am mad at Lois for just being unable to help me through it now-and being a mess and selfish and a few other reasons.  I am mad at my mom for being my mom, the crazy chick that she is and I am mad at my dad because he just did not do anything.. he did not see the hell we went though as children cause he never paid enough attention.  He was never bad to us but he did not raise us.. he just was not there.. it is still his fault cause he should have been there enough to know. 

I am mad at all of them because that day when Bette was hallucinating I called all of them and told them and said she needed to be baker acted into rehab and we had to get to gether and help her... they all said she has always done drugs, that wont help her and well "Thats just Bette"... they all forgot that day, that call from me hysterically crying begging for their help.  They have never mentioned it.. nor have I.. I do not want to say they did not do enough but it is the truth.. none of did enough to keep her alive.  But I could not do it alone, you by law have to have three people to baker act someone.. and they convinced me it was not that bad that I was being OVER DRAMA queen about the whole thing as I usually do... No I do not.. I really think it is that serious.. and was then but I guess I just gave up on her too. 

She is dead... she did not have to be and I miss her beautiful face, her sweet sweet bright smile and her love.. she loved the most hateful people who hurt her so bad.. she would love them anyway.. no matter how HORRID our lives were she would find something amazing to apprecieate about life... waterfalls, butterflies, dragonflies, and mountains of snow.  Any body of water and nature were here best friends.  She had an apprecieation for loving the wildest most beautiful things and never feared things that should have been feared in nature. 

Going through Bette's things I found pictures of a huge black bear, out side her little trailer, the vantage point of the picture it had to be taken from somewhere close, less than 100 yards away.  I know that bear had to smell her taking the picture, but I  am sure he did not smell fear..  That was not in her.  That picture was taken by her smiling.. I just know Boo enough to know she was smiling when she took that picture.

Her boyfriend.. crackhead looking guy but sweet... and a little scary.. felt it best to remind me of her birthday by waiting to mail me her things from Massachusettes until her birthday.. for her present he charged my account $487.00 to ship two boxes of pictures that I had begged and begged him to send me since she died last Aug.  He waited to overnight them rather than ground ship them until her birthday.. sort of his little make sure not to forget her statement.  What a jerk! 

Like I would ever forget her... I was the only one who planned her funeral.. what ever a lousy funderal I could plan, and the only one to pay for any of it, and the only one to do anything at all... the rest of the family just fell apart.. I think I was hurt the most and still had to be the responsible one. 

I am so sick of being so responsible.  Feeling so responsible. 

This past fathers day weekend, I convinced my now up for sainthood of a husband to go to Cumberland Island, George.. that is where we sprinkled the ashes of my creamated sister.  I wanted to give her a headstone there and plant some wild flowers on her grave..or at least that is what I call it.  He took me and we also took the time to apprecieate a place she loved so much. 

Lois chose Cumberland Island for the place to sprinkle Bette's ashes.  Bette did talk about that place all the time.  It was pretty amazing though.. there are wild horses everywhere.  The richest family in american history owned this beautiful estate on the island called "Dungeness"  it is in ruins now due to a fire in the early 1900's.  But you can see what the fomer glory was like.  You can see allot there.. a cemetary from 1600's with historical figures and the most beautiful sentiments written on the stones that you have ever seen.  There is swamp, and springs, and woods, and marsh, and beautiful beaches that look like the Florida Keys, there are nolls of grass that are perfect despite their only maintenance being that it is the dinner for those wild horses every day.. looks like it was trimmed by the best landscaper in the world.  There are little walkways and pathways with trees that hang over, gardens over grown and full of weeds but still beautiful to behold, and quaint little bed and breakfasts.  That is where be burried, or sprinkled little Bette Boo..

Lately I have been planning a visit back again.. see the one year anniversery of her death is quickly approaching in August on the 28th and I wanted my family to see those wild flowers and gravestone and know that she was buried proper.. she was not though.. we all know it.

We did not make reservations for the ferry the day we went down as a family to sprinkle her ashes.  I did not know.  I just booked a hotel room the night before and the family (my mom and her husband, my dad and his wife, and my sister Lois and my daughter Maryia) all drove over there and were gonna sprinkle her ashes.. the day we drove up we had just recieved her ashes in the mail, left on the doorstep by the mail lady, knocked over as if Bette was a crappy package to deliver.. I had to sign for my sister as if I just ordered a new set of sheets in the mail.

It was crappy.  Just crappy.  With the box of ashes came a little envelope with the rings she was wearing when she died and some of her hair, those georgous long brown curls.. I was so wrapped up in look at the curls I just wept.  My sister Lois arrived at my house to drive up with me just when the box arrived and went straight for the rings picking out the most expensive looking one for herself like a dang vulture.   After realizing what she was appearing like by the look of horror on my face and my daughters face she gave that ring to my daughter Maryia.  Maryia was always Bette's little girl too.. Bette never had kids but she loved my daughter as if she were her own.  They shared a journal that they mailed back and forth from Massachusettes to Florida and each would fill it out like a diary for a while and mail it over.  Very neat reading for me now.

Lois and I and Maryia climbed in Lois's shiny Lexus and drove the couple of hours to Georgia to the hotel.  We stayed the night there.  Mom and Dad were going to meet us there.  Mom called and said she just could not afford the hotel and had a trailer of crap hitched to her van so she could not make it.  She was not going to come to her own daughters crappy funeral.  How sick is that to hear from your mother ey?

I of course in grace mode.. don't know how I kept it together for that.. calmed my anger enough to offer to pay for her hotel room and explained there was a parking spot big enough for her crapy trailer attached to her van.. as embarrasing as it was.  She showed up as they were only an hour away.. an hour past us mind you!

We all got up and ate breakfast as if we were on vacation laughing about Boo, it was not near as somber a mood as I expected.  We went to get our ferry ticket and were told we could not come right back if we could even get on at all.. unless we stayed for hours and hours until late afternoon.. it was 7:20 am and already 93 degrees out I know I could not have made the full day there without a spring to jump into and my mom and dad in their 60's were by far not going to make it the whole day.. but this is the place Bette wanted to be all the time.  Lois and I knew this.. so we made a deal with the ferryman and got them to bring us there, wait fifteen minutes and bring us right back.. so we did just that... her funeral was less than five minutes and they almost took off without us, we had to just pray really quick, and toss her ashes on this dirty little cliff area.. it was the best we could do.  I am so ashamed.  What a crappy funeral.  How could I love her so much and giver her such  a crappy funeral.  This all sucks so bad.

So yeah.. months later I put a pretty grave stone there and plant some wildflowers to give her resting place some respect.. some respect..hmmm

Now the one year memorial.. I am planning it all week.  My mom says she is not sure she wants to remember my sister as it is easier not to remember she existed at all.. she actually said that.. before agreeing to go.  Her husband just gets really aprubt when you mention Bette's name.  Lois she has not had five minutes to talk to me about it as mom was visiting her.

I invited the rest of the Aunts and Uncles and cousins who had to sweat at my house during her memorial as my air conditioner could not handle the load of all those who showed up to show thier respect and love for my lil sis during the first memorial.  I did it all and I was such a mess I did a crap job at it all.  I really needed some help then but only my husband helped me then and only my husband is helping me now. 

I am exhausted to say the least.. but I have already said way too much so I will give your eyes a break and shut up here.

Thanks for reading all my pain.  Hugs and Love to all of you feeling this hurt I feel in side.. I know it sucks!  Just hang in there, it is suposed to get better.  And truthfully some days really are better.. but not all days.

T

jazzgirl

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Re: almost a year for Boo too!
« Reply #1 on: July 12, 2007, 12:36:11 PM »
I'm glad you came here. You will find great comfort coming here. It seems like you are beating yourself up and you shouldn't be.  All of that can get very very expensive and with no help at all, you can only do so much. Just keep rising above all the wrong doings of your family and lift yourself up for all of the good that you have done.  It sounds like you were very thoughtful of what Bette would have wanted. Her beautiful spirit is still with you and that is what counts. I know this pain is unbearing.  Certain things just trigger your emotions and before you know it, you are right back to the beginning of the pain. Just know that Bette is not sick anymore. She is not having to do drugs in order to be happy. That is just a sickness that some people have and sometimes people drowned in that. I feel God reaches down on those and rescues them from their pain. Just know you sister loves you and sees everything you went thru for her. I am praying for you and remember to keep lifting yourself up for you!!

tina

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Re: almost a year for Boo too!
« Reply #2 on: July 12, 2007, 01:49:19 PM »
I love you girl!  I know you miss J too...Thanks for being my rock... always here for you to..  Hugs, T

Sad Eyes

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Re: almost a year for Boo too!
« Reply #3 on: July 12, 2007, 02:41:14 PM »
Tina,

You will find that this site is filled with people who understand the pain of having lost someone special in their lives.  I am so sorry for all of the heartache and sorrow that has filled your life.  The things you have done for your family shows that you are a very caring and loving person.  You wouldn't have expected yourself to cure Bette of cancer, nor could you have cured her of her addictions.  You have done the best that anyone could do under very difficult circumstances, so don't beat yourself up.  My brother was murdered and I have a really hard time letting the good memories of him overshadow the ugliness of his murder, so I can relate to the harshness of your sister death.  So try to let the good memories fill your heart.  Take care!!!

Sad Eyes

tina

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Re: almost a year for Boo too!
« Reply #4 on: July 12, 2007, 02:59:56 PM »
Thank you.. I am just having a bad couple of days with this.. most days lately have been good.  Just now planning the memorial, one year anniversery memorial... I just feel like we did not do it right the first time and I would love to see that it be done right now... I just feel like crap and the guilt and pain just flushes it self through me.

I can not image the anger I feel now against the anger I would feel if it was murder.  My heart is in my throat just thinking about that possibility.  How do you keep the hate at bay enough so it does not absorb you.  I know as much as my heart is angry for those who did not take action when needed, I have for the most part forgiven but not forgotten and still feel the anger. 

I just have to get this all out so the pain will stop taking over me.  I am sure you know what I mean.. I really think this site will be a life saver.

I know in my sisters honor I would like to praise one of her best qualities.. she forgave and forgot all who hurt her and as unfortunate as her life was she always managed to find someone suffering more or more poor than her and she would give her last dime or jacket to in the freezing cold.  She was a beautiful person who was mistreated for so long she needed the drugs to stop the pain.   But she would have forgiven the entire family for not doing what action needed to be done.  I know she forgives me.... I just have not forgiven me yet.  Not really. 

All that I have done is to absolve that guilt not necessarily out of love, more so out of guilt.

Hang in there.. some how there are days when you get to smile again, and I keep telling myself it is ok to smile.  I do not have to be sad always.

Hugs!  Bunches of Hugs!!

I am here anytime you want to chat.. my email is newbielink:mailto:[email protected] [nonactive]

Trisho

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Re: almost a year for Boo too!
« Reply #5 on: July 12, 2007, 10:09:31 PM »
T -  I am so sorry for the loss of your sister and the pain that you are going thru.  I have a suggestion for you that might take away some of the pressure.  It won't eliminate the pain but maybe you should just do something on your own on the anniversary.  Just make it something that is special to you in order to honor your sister the way you want to without all the other drama from your family members.  I lost someone I loved and at the one year of his death, I planned a trip so I could be at the cemetary on that day.  I flew from Arizona to New York and then drove to New Jersey.  My daughter went with me for support and we just spent some of the day at the cemetary, took flowers, cried alot, and then I went to see his parents because I love them also but I knew he would have wanted me to see them.  Don't get me wrong it was very difficult and all the emotions from the prior year came back but just being there helped me in some weird way.  When I was getting ready to leave the cemetary and head to the airport that last day, it really hit me hard because in my mind I wondered will I be able to do this year after year, so instead I told my daughter I want to take him home.  So I said " get in the car - we are going home".  ( kind of silly but for me it helped - even if it was only for a while)
In Nov. it will be two years.  Yeah, I want to fly to New York again but don't think I will.  I have a little memorial set up in my yard - that is where I talk, I cry and even laugh sometimes when I think of some of our memories we shared.  I keep him in my heart each day and miss him terribly but as I now go thru life without him, I remind myself how much he loved life and know that he would want me to try to live each day big.  He certainly lived big.  So maybe just doing something that is special to you would eliminate the pressure and give you a moment of peace to honor her.  Big Hugs and I'll keep you in my prayers.  Trisho

Sad Eyes

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Re: almost a year for Boo too!
« Reply #6 on: July 13, 2007, 01:56:41 PM »
Tina,

Thank you so much for understanding.  The anger is something that I really have to work on.  I never had anger issues until after the murder and the trial.  One thing I have figured out is that the hate inside me was taking away my life.  I have went to counseling and that has helped, but I still have times that the anger almost turns to rage.  My "shrink" told me it perfectly normal to feel the way I do, however if I ever wanted to act on my anger it would be a problem.  I have never acted out in anger and never will..............the would put me on the same level as my brother killer and that is less than human.

I know how hard the anniversary date of a loved ones death is!!!  In the past I always put memorials in our local paper.  I always got emotional around these dates.  I no longer do any type of public memorial..........................I don't feel that I have to do anything publicly to prove that I loved my sister, parents and brother.  I carry them with me each and every day in my heart.

 

Sad Eyes

jazzgirl

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Re: almost a year for Boo too!
« Reply #7 on: July 14, 2007, 07:55:18 AM »
Sad Eyes,

I understand about the anger. My brother committed suicide and for a long time, I couldn't let go of the anger I had towards his wife b/c I know she contributed to it. The last 2 months before he did this, he wanted to divorce her and her mother works for a law firm and between her and her mother, they made sure to let him know his life would be a living hell if he divorced her and he had already gone thru 1 nasty divorce with his nasty 1st wife. I just don't think  he could have handled another nasty divorce. It didn't help with the fact that his 2nd wife was just one of those people that you could never make happy. Even in her new marriage, it is the same thing. Her new husband already had moved out for months on her b/c he said it made him depressed to live with her. I remember calling my brother all the time and she was always in the background yelling at him. She would yell at him in front of family at functions.  It was just hard for us not to blame her. They say with suicide it just becomes a blame game.  My dad was so angry at her and I think he still is. He wanted to go paint murderer on her house.

As time went on though, I learned to rise above all that b/c no matter what, he is still gone and there is nothing we can do about it.  My belief is that he is in a better place and is watching over us now and he has way more power that we ever had. 

You are in my prayers and I pray you will be able to overcome the anger in due time. People always seem to get whats coming to them.

Sad Eyes

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Re: almost a year for Boo too!
« Reply #8 on: July 19, 2007, 07:20:41 AM »
Jazzgirl,

You and your family have every right to be angry at you ex SIL.  She has wrecked the worst kind of havoc within your family.  She my be a twin to my brother's ex wife.  At this point I still have not been able to talk about her and her evil ways on the board.  It all too crazy, it doesn't even seem possible to me, but I know all too well how eveil she really is.  Like I've said before, handle your ex SIL with kid gloves.........a counsler can give you some good tips. 

jazzgirl

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Re: almost a year for Boo too!
« Reply #9 on: July 20, 2007, 02:04:14 PM »
I have just chose to take my family out of the picture and just deal with my family. I keep telling myself to just be grateful for the things I do have and not think about what  I don't have b/c it is out of my hands to do anything about it.  I'm just thankful she hasn't kept my nephew from my parents. My parents are setting up a meeting with both of his wives and is going to try to set up 1 weekend a month to get both boys. I think that will be best for all. I just pray it works out and there isn't any more drama. I think everyone is just drained from all of it.

go4jenny

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Re: almost a year for Boo too!
« Reply #10 on: September 02, 2007, 04:23:52 AM »
Dear tina,
 I could not believe my eyes reading your story, Mine is so similer I could have just replaced your relatives names with mine. My sister sounds so much like yours, I do tried and tried to get her help. She did finally get cleaned up do to her pregnancy only to be killed by her sons daddy because he was high on cocaine when he offered her a ride. She got clean just to be killed by drugs anyway and my mother, her father, our sisters or other family members did nothing to help her when they could have. So many times. She stayed lost and loney her whole life and it had alot to do with our entire family and their judgmental crap, but mostly my mother was brandies biggest disappointment and sadness and lonilyness in this world and feeling unloved by the one person that could have made all the difference. If your mother doesnt love you then who does? I miss her so much and I too feel like I failed her. Even the place you buried your sister is similer to mine. I have no advise for you as I too am a walking mess right now but know you are not alone.... Take care hon