Author Topic: Owen, our beloved mystery man  (Read 47801 times)

Marianne

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Re: Owen, our beloved mystery man
« Reply #30 on: July 18, 2007, 08:03:13 AM »
How wonderful that you felt your Owen all around you!  There are times when my Alek seems to be rubbing my shoulders - urging me to keep on going.

I pray the Owen's love surrounds you.

Hugs and Support!
Marianne (Alek's Mom Forever)

Lonnie

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Re: Owen, our beloved mystery man
« Reply #31 on: July 18, 2007, 09:43:31 AM »
Owen's Mom: I am so glad that you and Dave went to the counselor together, and that you felt peace, even for awhile. I am also like Owen. Ever since my dad died, and I have the care of my mom, my sleep schedule has gotten even crazier. I was always a night owl, but through the stress of it all, took to staying up all night at times. I am desperate to change this as I know it is not good for my health. I am working on this in counseling, but I am also wired differently. It is very difficult to reverse. Of course, grief interferes with sleep also for quite some time. It seems my problems have become almost pathological, and I am trying to change my schedule. But it is a challenge. Thinking of you today, Lonnie (Main Board)
« Last Edit: July 19, 2007, 12:29:16 AM by Lonnie »

owensmom

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Re: Owen, our beloved mystery man
« Reply #32 on: July 19, 2007, 12:07:47 AM »
Thanks, Lonnie.  Your message was important to me.  I feel like I'm losing my mind sometimes.  I go through those numb periods where I can function in a somewhat capable way for moments.  Then, the crash happens again.  God, I pray this will stop, but fear this is a lifetime sentence. 

I went to work for 1.5 hours today.  First time I've walked through those doors since Owen's death, and I didn't know if I could do it.  I just talked with Owen the whole way there (about a half hour from home), and when I got there, I could only look at the ground, until I was safely in my office.  That was all I had.  And, even that was tough.  I just had to fix some things that only I had authority to do, and then I was out of there.

My friend, and colleague, has a son with a similar personality to Owen's, so we shared some of our previous proud moments, and challenges, and that made it a little easier to face the mundane parts of work.

I'm trying to ease my way back into the day-to-day life, and am fortunate that my company will allow this.  I can't even imagine how people go back to work in the typical "bereavement leave" periods, after the loss of a child.  I work in Human Resources, so am often the person charged with monitoring bereavement leaves, and thank goodness, have lost enough family and friends over the years, to be flexible.  But, NOTHING, can compare with the loss of a child, and I have a new understanding of what it takes to come back to work and have any sense of meaning in the tasks at hand.  How do people keep their minds on work, when their children have just been taken away in such cruel ways?

I just felt that Owen was with me, and since I was able to share stories about him, it was, I think easier for me, than for people who have to return to work, and dig right back in where they left off. 

Thanks, Owen, for standing next to me, as you so often did on those evenings on the phone when I worked late.

Thanks everyone, for sticking with us, as we move through this.

Love,
Linda
Owen's mom

Dottie (Tammie's Mom)

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Re: Owen, our beloved mystery man
« Reply #33 on: July 19, 2007, 06:01:06 AM »
Hi, Owen's Mom,

I am so sorry about the tragic loss of your son's life. You have found a safe comforting group of parents here.

My heart aches for you,
Dottie Tammie's Mom

owensmom

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Re: Owen, our beloved mystery man
« Reply #34 on: July 27, 2007, 01:41:29 AM »
Hey everyone,

We're still here, just quiet for the last few days.  We still have no date or cause of death for Owen, so the questions and his missing days are making this mystery unthinkable in so many ways. 

I still go down to the River to sit, and write in my journal.  I stay in the very open, public areas, and sometimes I run into people who knew him.  Most of those who know what happened, still can't look me in the eyes, and our conversations are short and difficult.  They're young and hiding, so I get it.  I just don't want to.  There's one young lady who sits with me for extended periods, depending on who else is around.  She hints at things that might or might not mean anything, and while it drives me crazy, it also gives me hope that someday, someone might share what they know. 

Last Saturday, two of Owen's friends from the movie theater asked me to meet them for coffee.  We had such a great, though sad time, sitting at the River, with our coffees and Owen stories.  They had such sweet things to share, and I felt so blessed to be his mother.  They had ordered bracelets that say, "In loving memory of Owen Riley" and are colored in orange and black swirls, as Halloween was Owen's favorite holiday.  They gave me some for family, and said they would order as many as I wanted.  I took one for Nat, Owen's brother, and one for Owen's room. 

They had a birthday party for him on June 13, though he was unable to attend, his body having been found on June 2.  They decorated their house with Halloween stuff, and baked a cake that flopped dramatically.  They ate it anyway, and laughed about funny things he'd shared with them, and talked about gifts he brought to people.  He, apparently, was quite the character at work, as he was at home.  It was really good for me to hear their stories.  I shared some of our funny family stories with them, and they seemed very grateful.  I took them some pictures of him, as they had none.  Both of these young ladies attended his memorial service, and just felt like they needed to know more about this guy who they'd only known for a few months, but who had impacted their lives in such a big way.  I was glad to share, and I think they were, too.

That's all I have for now.  I pray you are all doing as well as each day will allow, and that you are finding the peace that is currently betraying our family.  I'm certain that someday, we will be able to be more supportive to all of you.  Today, though, we are fairly empty.

Love,
Linda
Owen's mom

owensmom

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Re: Owen, our beloved mystery man
« Reply #35 on: August 12, 2007, 11:37:26 PM »
Hey again,

Although it seems self-indulgent to reply to my own post, I can't help myself.  Just wanted to let you all know that we still know nothing - 11 weeks tomorrow since I last saw my Owen.

I called the coroner's office on Friday, and they said to expect it to take another 2 -4 weeks for the final autopsy report.  The civil-servant-red-tape thing is larger, longer, than I would have ever imagined.  How dare the propaganda machine of television make us believe this should be different. 

I left messages with the detective on Owen's case, and at the coroner's office.  No replies, duh.  So, we sit with our constant questions, and our constant misery in missing Owen.  Yet, we have our joyful memories to support us through this agony.  They are important in this purgatory (no, we're not Catholic, but totally get the concept of purgatory now - not for the dead, but for the living).  Forgive me, if these words offend anyone's faith.  They don't come from my faith, they come from my grief.

My faith tells me that Owen is happier now than he was in this life.  My older son, Nat, and his stepdaughter, Ruby visited this evening for dinner.  He is so tortured, absorbed in guilt, and our conversations take hours to come to a place of momentary acceptance of what has happened.  I am so concerned about losing him in the mystery.   He doesn't have the life skills to deal with this kind of obscurity - who does?  He is doing his best, and thank God, he has Anna and Ruby to give him a sense of "life going on" for I don't believe he would care, otherwise.

Today was one of my darker days.  Don't know why, don't care.  Just know.  I stayed in bed most of the day, watching the PGA tournament from my bed - the television being in the living room and visible from my prone position, however, I didn't bother to put on my glasses.  Sometimes, we don't really want to see, just want to escape.  Is that true for you?

So, when it got close to the time when Nat and Ruby were to arrive, Dave and I rushed to the store for dinner ingredients.  When we got home, I felt this overwhelming need to spruce up the house, make it look like someone here still cares about things like dust and cobwebs.  Dave and I kicked into high gear, to get the place cleaned up, and waited for them to arrive. 

When they pulled into the driveway, I was again, in bed.  Sick, physically, sick.  Once I heard Nat's car driving over the gravel, I snapped to.  I played with Ruby (she's four), and she loves my stuffed bear collection.  After they ate (I couldn't), she wanted to go upstairs to Owen's room.  She loves visiting his room.  She talks about him openly, remembering Owen stories, and it's amazing to me, that at her young age, she remembers him, and talks about him in such an innocent way.  I watched and listened to Nat talk with her about his brother, the uncle she will probably not remember in the years ahead.  And, Nat was awesome.  I am so thankful he can grab hold of this life in these moments, and truly get how dear his current relationships are, and welcome them into his life.

For now, we wait.  For eleven weeks, we've waited.  And, for a lifetime, we may never truly know what happened to Owen, except that he died at 20, and was working so hard at finding a balance in life.  Balance.  What a gift.  We may never feel it again.  I can't know.  I can only hope. 

I love you all for being here.  I can't imagine not having a place to put these feelings.  Counseling is great, but it's not here in these late hours.  You are.  Thank you.  Thank you, Tom Golden, for having this amazing place to write, and read, and grieve with others who know our pain.

Love,
Linda
Owen's mom

Lonnie

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Re: Owen, our beloved mystery man
« Reply #36 on: August 13, 2007, 12:20:21 AM »
Linda: Thank you, thank you, thank you for posting! I have been wondering if you have heard anything more concerning Owen, and not wanting to bother you with asking questions. Wow-that is so looooonnnnnggg to wait for the autopsy report, and then it will probably just tell you WHAT he died from, and of course, not HOW he died. ??? I pray all the time that someone will come forward and tell you what they know. You write so wonderfully, and though I am very sad for the reason that you are here, I enjoy reading your posts.  You have a way of painting pictures with your words. Little Ruby sounds like a bright spot in all this. I'm so glad that she is there for you. And Nat is suffering terribly of course, but I know it does him good to talk about his brother and her uncle. Bless your heart on leaving messages with the Coroner's office and the detective. Not exactly like Court TV, huh? Sounds like red tape and more red tape. >:( I am just so sorry that the mystery lingers on, but let's believe that you will get some answers.  I am glad that you are resting on the days that you need to. It is still so early in your grief.  Even just resting helps a lot with the fatigue of grief, since none of us seem to be getting much sleep these days.  :( I also was glad that you had coffee with the friends from the movie theater. You must have a wonderful way with young people, as I can tell they all gravitate towards you. Please post and let us all know what you find out. And take care of your sweet self, and know that there are so many people here who care. Big Hugs-Lonnie

sandy2

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Re: Owen, our beloved mystery man
« Reply #37 on: August 19, 2007, 11:38:44 AM »
LINDA,first of all i dont have a way with words as you do but, hold on to that sliver of hope !i konw its so hard to keep trying to be so strong when our body is so weak, try to get some rest. know what ya mean about your job , i had been a club manager at a moose lodge for 24 years. i quit my job the second i received my phone call, i knew in my heart i couldnt never walk thru those doors again. believe it hurts real bad finacially, but it wouldve hurt worse to go back . i hope for your sake & your family you do fine some peace soon. what a terrible journey we all had to go too !!!! im so glad you can feel owen & know hes there, hold on tight to that . lov & a great biiiigggg HUG , SANDY SHANES MOM

AllysonD

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Re: Owen, our beloved mystery man
« Reply #38 on: August 20, 2007, 03:18:16 PM »
I'm still reading Linda. Hold on. It will get easier with time. And one day you may have to resolve that you may not get all the answers you seek. My prayers are with you......

owensmom

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Re: Owen, our beloved mystery man
« Reply #39 on: August 20, 2007, 11:30:10 PM »
Hey all,

I have set up a new blog at: http://mysteryoriley.wordpress.com

When I can't come here, because I get so overwhelmed with our stories, I now write on this blog.  Yes, it helps.  Part of blogging, if you're familiar with it, is that every time you reply, our community gets larger, faster.  The point is, that our family wants to be a resource to families who are dealing with ADULT missing persons...who, as you know, are not a priority for most law enforcement agencies.  Our family is a case in point.  Owen did not deserve the disinterest of our local police department. 

And, he's gone, and we can't get him back, and they could have helped prevent his loss.  You will know, in time, what all transpired.  I can't tell you everything now, because they SAY that the investigation is still ongoing.  I don't believe much of what they say now, so I'm telling stories of our lives together on the blog.

There a few more hopeful pieces to the police investigation, but we have little belief in their efforts.  Duh...****ing duh, given our experience.

Stay with us, if you can.  If not, we get it.

Love,
Linda
Owen's mom

Lonnie

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Re: Owen, our beloved mystery man
« Reply #40 on: August 21, 2007, 03:34:36 AM »
Linda: Thank you for keeping us updated. Owen's story has captured my heart, and I pray that you will get the answers you need. Apparently, you do know some things that you have been unable to share with us, and I am glad that you have a little more information anyway. Please continue to post about the things that you can share. I will also be reading your blog, as I love the way you express yourself. Stay with it, and never give up, as you have a right to know the facts. I think of you often and your handsome Owen, and pray for more revelation as to what really happened. Many hugs-Lonnie

MelissaCharliesMom

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Re: Owen, our beloved mystery man
« Reply #41 on: August 21, 2007, 10:18:47 AM »
Everything you have said, everything you write is so personal and yet feelings that are shared by so very many of us.We know how Charlie died, an auto accident caused closed head trauma that killed our 10 year old son instantly. A life so full of love, smiles, promise for the future was taken instantly...10 years of love and time and joy gone from this earth in an instant.
What we dont know is exactly how the accident occured though we know the man responsible admittted at the scene to arguing with his wife and not paying attention. His story has changed 20 times since that day and his only punishment was a $250 fine and a 3 month suspension of his license.
I ask why all the time. I wonder what if? I should have known, should have done something, should have kept him home safe. The reality for me is there is no answer in this world that would suffice. Nothing anyone can say, no magic words to give me any peace in the fact that my son at 10 years old was killed at the hands of some careless stranger. Yet even though I know that nothing would ease my mind, nothing would bring peace I continue to search, hoping beyond hope that somehow an answer will be given that will finally give ease my pain.
I am so very sorry for the loss of your precious Owen. Not knowing is the hardest thing imaginable and our circumstances differ greatly so I can only imagine and dont pretend to understand.
Know I am sending strength and peace and hoping for some truth and justice for you and your son.

owensmom

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Re: Owen, our beloved mystery man
« Reply #42 on: August 23, 2007, 11:56:33 PM »
Dear Melissa,

I am so very sorry for your loss of Charlie.  Ten years old is...well, such an unimaginable time to say goodbye.  Owen had twice that amount of time here with us, and I can't know if that makes it easier.  Certainly, not twice as hard, as we love our children ultimately, each and every day.

Thank you for your kind words.  No, knowing the answers won't make it easier to grieve, just easier to comprehend those tangible things such as HOW?  Never, never, never, why.

Answers are what we seek.  But, answers won't bring him back.  We just have to love our son in his new space in time, and in our memories of him. 

Thanks for your reply.  I know how hard it is to write, when all we want to do is join our children in their new world, all the while feeling our need to stay here and make a difference.

Love,
Linda
Owen's mom


AllysonD

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Re: Owen, our beloved mystery man
« Reply #43 on: August 26, 2007, 02:17:20 PM »
I'm here Owen's Mom. Your story is captivating and heartbreaking. I'm still reading and wishing you peace and the answers you so desire.

owensmom

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Re: Owen, our beloved mystery man
« Reply #44 on: August 29, 2007, 09:19:38 PM »
Hello, my webhealing friends,

I hope you know how important it is to have this space to write the things I can't write in my more public posts.  I consider this site a "cone of safety" so to speak.  This is where I know people who have same/similar thoughts and feelings come to gather (and come together), and I trust that what I say here stays here.  Sort of like Las Vegas, but not really.   And, since I work in the technology world, I know that anything I say here is open to the scutiny of the greater cyberworld, at any point in time.

13 weeks, and counting.  No coroner's report, no police report, no answers. 

We have reconnected with many of Owen's friends through other sites/blogs, and while that is comforting in so many ways, it is also another reminder, that they are still physically with their families, and Owen is with us in spirit.  Which brings me to the point of this post.

I think Owen always walked on the fence between this world and the next - always trying to find balance on that slim beam between here and there.  I don't think he feared death.  I think he even challenged life, and looked it straight in the eye, and said, "What?  Huh? What are you gonna do about it?"  I don't think he asked for an early end, but I know he played with fire.  He was in awe of fire, and we have plenty of July 4th memories to prove it.

Owen's bedrooms upstairs (one was for sleeping, the other for relaxing), are a study in his search for the answers to those unknowable truths that are such a part of a young man's life.  His collections: videos, music (CDs and LPs), miniature animals, string (yes, string), bracelets, comic books, safety pins (of various colors), pens (of various colors), movie posters (he worked in movie theaters), books....ah, the books, and his journals, are all evidence that he was searching the universe for those truths.

We hope he found his truth, and is living the ultimate truth in his afterlife.  We see his messages in our everyday lives, and question our own sense of reality and fantasy.  He didn't actually care whether one of his answers was based in reality or fantasy...it just was.

Thank you, still, for sticking with us.  You may not believe in the same things we do, and that's just what Owen would expect.  Ultimately, he expected us all, all of humankind, to ask better questions.  He did.

Love,
Linda
Owen's mom